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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/08/2022 20:59

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:41

I agree with this but he's not at that age yet. Whilst he still needs parenting he can't be here without his parents (or me) imo.

Show quote history

But your own child is staying in the house without its parents!!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/08/2022 20:59

Hard no. And DH needs to graciously accept it. Or he’ll have ruined the weekend before you get there!

Mustthinkofausername · 07/08/2022 20:59

I haven’t read all the posts but my first thought was the DSS is planning to get drunk or stay out all night and it’s working out well for him that his Dad isn’t going to be there to answer to if he doesn’t come home when he is supposed to etc. It’ll be like a parent free weekend for him!

ThisWasMeTooo · 07/08/2022 21:05

No way should your Mum be policing a 14 year old. She probably wants to enjoy her time with the little one and then have a nice night on the sofa with her feet up. Your DH needs to say that can happen the following weekend. It would be like your child being sent to the DSS's Grandmother for the weekend!

AlexandriasWindmill · 07/08/2022 21:06

YANBU. Like a PP, I think your DSS has probably deliberately picked this weekend because he thought he could get away with more since you are both gone.

Your DH needs to tell him 'no'.

Ugzbugz · 07/08/2022 21:08

Toddler and a teenager? No thanks.

whynotwhatknot · 07/08/2022 21:08

no its not his weekend anyway and its not your dm responsibilty-very unfair of him

rookiemere · 07/08/2022 21:10

Granny may already be a bit nervous looking after a toddler solo for a weekend. She will likely want to go to bed quite early, after getting up at toddler wake up time and looking after the DC all day. She won't be wanting to wait up until DSS arrives home and/or cook extra meals for him and perhaps his friend.

This is not a good opportunity for Granny to get to know her step grandson better. Maybe they should have a better relationship, but this is not the time to foster it.

Lazybedhead · 07/08/2022 21:22

Not fair on your mum and you DSS Mum may not be keen on the idea either. Your DH needs to tell him to re-arrange for the following weekend. He could even offer to treat them to a McDonald’s or something to soften the blow!

MargotChateau · 07/08/2022 21:22

Absolutely not. Your husband is taking the mickey. She doesn’t know the stepson’s mother, she wouldn’t feel comfortable disciplining him, it’s a hard no from me, and I imagine if she was pressured into looking after both children, from then on in your mum would be conveniently busy everytime you asked to baby sit your baby.

(I know I wouldn’t offer again if I felt pushed into look after both, I’m terrible for getting into situations like your mum and saying yes to things I don’t want to do because I’m too nice (stupid) to say no, but then I studiously avoid getting into the same position again. So the person misses out on ever receiving a favour from me again.)

ScribblingPixie · 07/08/2022 21:27

A definite no from me. There is no relationship between your DM and your DSS's mother so why on earth would the mother be ok with it anyway? It's absolutely unfair to put your mother in that position, you're quite right to say no.

huuskymam · 07/08/2022 21:30

Your dh is taking the piss. It would be a big fat no from me all round.

Nope he can't stay as you're both away.
Nope won't ask dm at all.

Eiapopeia · 07/08/2022 21:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MsRosley · 07/08/2022 21:46

I think you're right, OP. Stand your ground and leave your mum out of this.

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/08/2022 21:49

As others said no

you are away. No fair on your mum to be I. Charge of a teenager she barely knows

saying this though, is dss not considering a grandson to your mum

sounds like dss mum has made plans her self

or else she would pick him up from friends if only 35mins away

or he can stay at the friends house

AnneElliott · 07/08/2022 21:50

It's a no from me. No way would I want to be responsible for a 14 year old that I don't know. I can't imagine his mother would be thrilled about this arrangement either. No way would DS be left in the care of someone I didn't know.

And if it's only 35 mins travel between your two houses then surely the mum can drive him over to the friend. Or she can arrange a sleepover for her son.

msbevvy · 07/08/2022 22:06

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 07/08/2022 19:25

^^This.
How dare your DH assume that your mum will look after a teenager she’s barely/never met before 😠
As a grandmother I would be pretty cheesed of at your dh’s cheek!

Show quote history

As a grandmother I would I happy to do it. I would welcome the chance to get to know the stepson a bit better. He is after all part of the extended family.

I would however want to make sure that I had all the relevant contact numbers and knew what time he should be coming back etc.

Coffeepot72 · 07/08/2022 22:06

I have a step daughter, this is not her home, she lives with her mum and visits us to see her dad. She will never have a key or be welcome to come and go as she pleases. When she has her home, I will not have a key and be welcome to come and go either. People should have boundaries and sorry but just because my husband had a child with someone, I don't have to let them do whatever they want in my home.

Absolutely. DSS was a welcome visitor but his home was with his mum. I share my home with DH, and our lives were not going to be dictated by a non resident teenager. It seems that the step mother’s right to a home is often eclipsed by a step child, and that’s an unhealthy dynamic.

viques · 07/08/2022 22:07

DSS needs to ask his mum if she will ask friends parents if he can stay there for the night/ weekend. It is her weekend with him so making arrangements should be in her court,

Original poster
Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 22:08

Goodskin46 · 07/08/2022 20:55

This, TBH toddlers are much easier to leave than teens. Dh is the one who needs to step up here. It is not always possible to have nice adult times when you have teens.

Show quote history

Why should DH miss a planned weekend away rather than just tell his son no? Genuinely confused by that.

Anyway have told DH it's not to happen under any circumstances and he's told DSS so I guess he'll either not go or figure something out with his mum.

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 07/08/2022 22:10

Does DSC think Dc is going with you or staying at granny's.

Teen age hat on and my brain pinged oh free house. No rents to check on where I am or who I'm with.

If granny is there how does she know "Steve" isn't actually a group of teenage girls and beach drinking ? (I say this because I did the same thing as a teenager only they weren't teenage girls but boys)

Nah potential to go so wrong here tbh.

OhJanet · 07/08/2022 22:15

Not a chance I would ask my mother to do this. My DH would also never be so cheeky to ask!

BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 22:30

People don’t give their own children a key to their house? Do they have to stay under house arrest when they’re staying with you? What happens if both parents have new partners? They don’t get a key anywhere?

Hollychristmasjoy · 07/08/2022 22:36

BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 22:30

People don’t give their own children a key to their house? Do they have to stay under house arrest when they’re staying with you? What happens if both parents have new partners? They don’t get a key anywhere?

My step daughter doesn’t have a key to our house and to be honest I can’t see her ever having one. We live 50 mins away by car so she can’t ever just be passing or pop in. She lives at her mums and visits here.

Our daughter does have a key already as it’s her home.

Blendiful · 07/08/2022 22:44

I would refuse to ask if this were my parent. He has to say no, you have plans and are not home, that's DSS answer.

Regardless of what your mums answer would be I'd simply be telling DH that I am saying no. And that's it.