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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to insist DSS doesn't come to ours over this weekend?

354 replies

Weekendawaynightmare · 07/08/2022 17:15

Me and DH are going away for a long weekend next weekend. It's for my birthday.

My mum is very kindly coming to stay at our house to look after our toddler as it's easier for her with everything here already.

My step son (14) is not due to be with us that weekend hence why we booked it for then.

My husband told me yesterday that DSS is asking if he can stay at ours for the weekend as he wants to go out with a friend who lives closer to us. DH doesn't see the problem.

I'm insistent that he says no. It's too much to ask of my mum. DH doesn't think it will be a problem as he barely needs looking after. I don't think that's the point, it's another child in the house my mum will feel responsible for. How is she supposed to okay him going out with friends and police when he comes home etc... She'd also need to make his meals and things like that and I just do not think it's on to put that on her when she's already doing us such a huge favour.

I do not want to even ask as I know my mum will feel pressure to agree.

I think DH needs to say no on this occasion. We are always happy to have DSS outside of normal contact usually but this time we are away so we can't. If he wants to see this friend he'll have to sort it with his mum.

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 07/08/2022 20:00

unless this 14yr old has a lot of “challenges “ and is going to roll in drunk/ drugged not come home etc why shouldn’t she actually want to see her “ read made grandchild “. I mean he’s part of her family.

There’s every chance she only knows him vaguely or has only met him in passing. He’s hardly a close blood relative of hers!

SirVixofVixHall · 07/08/2022 20:04

uhtredbebbanburg · 07/08/2022 17:42

God no! Your DSS doesn’t really have a relationship with your mum and your mum probably wants to spend some quality time with her GC not be worried about a 14 year old she not related to as well. It’s super unreasonable for it to be even brought up.

I agree with this.
Your average 14 year old might use this to get away with stuff not normally allowed, and your Mum doesn’t know him well at all so that will be stressful .
I was once babysitting a friends child who I knew really well, but the friend had another friend staying so I ended up with two older children I’d never met before. It was really hard work and stressful, the eldest boy was pretty naughty and annoying. Normally a nice boy by all accounts, just enjoying pushing boundaries.
I wasn’t happy, it isn’t fair to do this when someone is doing you a favour.

StridTheKiller · 07/08/2022 20:07

Your DH is a CF.

Darbs76 · 07/08/2022 20:09

100% no, I wouldn’t ask her either. He needs to say no that’s it’s not fair on your mum. It’s not his weekend and he can stay with the friend if he’s desperate to see him that weekend

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 07/08/2022 20:12

Ick I can see some of the usual likes trotted out as per usual 🙄

Your DH is a CF and I would be saying hard no. It doesn't hurt to tell your kids no, they won't hate you for life even sc.

I speak as a step child before anyone has a melt down at the suggestion of saying no.

Frankola · 07/08/2022 20:15

Absolutely no.

Your dh is taking the piss.

Katekeeprunning · 07/08/2022 20:17

I think the OP meant ‘police the time he comes home’

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 20:19

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 19:26

No. I have a 13 year old DSC though. Do they change much in a year?

Show quote history

Er yeah, they do change a lot in a year… prime puberty years innit.

My comment was somewhat tongue in cheek because you’re saying/implying they’re “little” and that mothers would want to spend all the time possible with them. This mother (me) didn’t feel like that about my DC when they were 14, didn’t mean I didn’t love them completely.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/08/2022 20:22

It really wouldn't be fair to put pressure on your mum by asking her. Tell DH no, also point out that if your Mum feels people are taking advantage she won't be so happy to baby sit for your baby again either. Be really clear that he is not ask her.

weekendninja · 07/08/2022 20:25

Helenloveslee4eva · 07/08/2022 19:50

Ask you mum.
unless this 14yr old has a lot of “challenges “ and is going to roll in drunk/ drugged not come home etc why shouldn’t she actually want to see her “ read made grandchild “. I mean he’s part of her family.

I can't help but agree with this.

The DM may want to. I'd imagine they have some form of relationship considering her daughter married the DSS' dad! What is their relationship like OP?

Some posters are acting as if the DSS is another toddler for the DM to look after. Most 14 year olds I know are capable of looking after themselves and arranging drop off/pick up times, going to bed independently, making a snack. It just seems like a lot of excuses are being made NOT to do it.

Unless theres any previous issues I don't see the problem.

LDN1 · 07/08/2022 20:27

You are right. Your DH is wrong.

Simple as that.

Ducksurprise · 07/08/2022 20:29

Did DSS know that you weren't in when he asked to stay?

I have a 14 year old. I still send them to stay over at granny's when I go away, as in I wouldn't let them go out and meet friends or do another activity, they would be teensat much like your toddler is being babysat (and it means they spend much needed time with GP which obviously isn't relevant in your case)

billy1966 · 07/08/2022 20:30

Absolutely not and your husband is a CF to suggest it.

What an attitude he has.

Not enough that your mother is giving you a weekend away, he'll use her to mind his child too.

His attitude is presumptuous and entitled.

I wouldn't dream of bringing it up with your mother.

It's a no and your husband needs to get over himself.

If you ask your mother OP, you too are a CF and if I were your mother I would never offer again to mind YOUR child.

So I would tread with great care.

Ducksurprise · 07/08/2022 20:30

Leave DH at home with toddler and DSS and have a nice night away with your mum?

BungleandGeorge · 07/08/2022 20:31

DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 20:19

Er yeah, they do change a lot in a year… prime puberty years innit.

My comment was somewhat tongue in cheek because you’re saying/implying they’re “little” and that mothers would want to spend all the time possible with them. This mother (me) didn’t feel like that about my DC when they were 14, didn’t mean I didn’t love them completely.

Show quote history

Not to mention the teen is planning to spend the weekend with his friend, not with either parent. That’s just the way with 14 year olds isn’t it!

Mollymoostoo · 07/08/2022 20:32

BishFish · 07/08/2022 17:39

@Johnnysgirl - I agree in this instance. However “he stays at your house to be with his dad” sounds a bit strange.

The OP’s house the child’s home too, where he stays part of the time as he lives between two homes - his mums and his dads, which should both feel like home to him.

When he is old enough and doesn’t need babysitting, he will presumably have his own key and be able to spend time there without an adult present, he is not a guest who just stays there occasionally.

Umm no. I have a step daughter, this is not her home, she lives with her mum and visits us to see her dad. She will never have a key or be welcome to come and go as she pleases. When she has her home, I will not have a key and be welcome to come and go either. People should have boundaries and sorry but just because my husband had a child with someone, I don't have to let them do whatever they want in my home.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/08/2022 20:36

Your DH is a CF.

He either says no to DSS or he stays home with the toddler and DSS while you and your mum gave a lovely weekend away.

I agree with the poster who said it sounds like he does very little parenting generally if he thinks that it s is in any way acceptable. That also needs to change

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2022 20:37

I'm sort of torn. If he's an all round 'really good kid' who is mature and trustworthy to be (and stay) where he says he is and come home when he's supposed to then I'd be tempted to ask my mum, but make it clear that she was perfectly entitled to refuse and it wouldn't be a problem. But if there were even the vaguest possibility of DSS crossing those lines, even unintentionally, or being unduly influenced by others, then I'd have to say to DH that I was not willing to even ask my mum, and nor should he.

As far as DH asking her because it's 'his situation', I think my mum would have felt more comfortable saying no to me that to my DH. Although she never had a problem saying no to either of us!!

weekendninja · 07/08/2022 20:41

Mollymoostoo · 07/08/2022 20:32

Umm no. I have a step daughter, this is not her home, she lives with her mum and visits us to see her dad. She will never have a key or be welcome to come and go as she pleases. When she has her home, I will not have a key and be welcome to come and go either. People should have boundaries and sorry but just because my husband had a child with someone, I don't have to let them do whatever they want in my home.

Show quote history

Some pretty strict boundaries you have there @Mollymoostoo. I could never get those boundaries past my DP (who is pretty relaxed) and neither would I want to.

Reading this thread it's almost like barriers are placed in the SDC way to make them feel more of a house guest/inconvenience with absolutely no flexibility.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 07/08/2022 20:42

Helenloveslee4eva · 07/08/2022 19:50

Ask you mum.
unless this 14yr old has a lot of “challenges “ and is going to roll in drunk/ drugged not come home etc why shouldn’t she actually want to see her “ read made grandchild “. I mean he’s part of her family.

If any of my DC marries someone who already has children, I would always be pleasant and polite to their stepchildren. However, they would not be my family. One of my children choosing to marry someone who already has children is their decision. I would not regard any child of a previous relationship as my "ready-made grandchild". He or she would just be someone else's child, and while I wouldn't make them feel unwelcome, I would never actually care about what they were doing. Why would I? This is one reason I've never dated men with dependant children - I cba with all the blended family malarkey (and I think it's mostly a bit crap for children, too).

If I were the granny in this situation, I'd feel forced to say yes, but would be dying to say no. OP's husband shouldn't put her in this position.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 20:44

If any of my DC marries someone who already has children, I would always be pleasant and polite to their stepchildren.

How spiteful. Prepare to be the grandparent who sees their grandchildren less and less when the other step grandparent embraces the new additions.

Ducksurprise · 07/08/2022 20:51

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 20:44

If any of my DC marries someone who already has children, I would always be pleasant and polite to their stepchildren.

How spiteful. Prepare to be the grandparent who sees their grandchildren less and less when the other step grandparent embraces the new additions.

How do you think the plan for inheritance should be divided.

Should a grandparent share inheritance with the step child so her actual grandchild only gets half?

There is a difference between embracing new additions and believing them to be family. If the op split from her DH the grandparent would never see the 14 year old again.

Ihearticecream · 07/08/2022 20:53

Your DM will not want to babysit again if this is the case. As opposed to 1 on 1 time with her grandchild it will be marred with concern about the comings and goings of 14 year old DSS.

Goodskin46 · 07/08/2022 20:55

iRun2eatCake · 07/08/2022 19:21

Other option is that DH stays at home and you and DM go away instead

This, TBH toddlers are much easier to leave than teens. Dh is the one who needs to step up here. It is not always possible to have nice adult times when you have teens.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2022 20:57

@Ducksurprise it depends on the relationship they develop.