Page 9 | Left DSC home alone

Work1 · 2022-08-04T09:24:19+00:00

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest. I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is. Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on... Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work. DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 12:57

Dacquoise · 04/08/2022 12:56

If there's a positive to come out of this, and it looks like no harm has been done, it's the great big boundary you have now set for the three parties involved:

Your DSC now knows that they can't manipulate you into allowing them not to go somewhere they need to go.

Your DH now knows that you won't drop your responsibilities to facilitate his.

The exW now knows that this isn't your problem to solve and that she needs to coparent their child's behaviour and put something in place so it doesn't happen again

😉

She nailed it with one action and let all 3 of them know they can’t take the piss!

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 12:57

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 12:56

PPs need to understand that there are some jobs where you simply cannot be late.

just imagining everyone standing at the station platform while the announcement comes over that train driver is running late due to badly behaved step-child

🤣🤣

I6344 · 04/08/2022 12:58

Cw122 · 04/08/2022 12:52

Just my opinion I think when you marry someone who has children you take on the role of step parent and you have responsibilities as part of that step parent role. That child is now as much a part of your family as your other child even though it's completely natural to find that tough because you're meeting them at a later stage. If something had happened while you were out and they were home alone you were still the responsible adult at the time who left them in that position. Obviously they need to learn from this and your husband needs to support you and have a joined approach but he's not going to be able to have a joint approach to parenting with you if you opt out when it's hard because they're 'not your kid'. If I was the kids mum and my exs partner had left them unattended while in their care I'd be spitting fire. I think it's unreasonable to expect her not to be mad at you for that. You need to sit down with your husband and have an honest conversation about what aspects of parenting you can and cannot take on but just remember there's a child at the centre of this who will remember what your approach to them is like for the rest of their lives.

It's hard for step parents because as soon as we take responsibility (like everyone tells us we have to) and parent them how we would parent our own DCs we get absolutely flamed for it. Saying "not your kid, you have no say" etc. On Mumsnet and in life, being a step parent is something that no one can seem to get right in the eyes of other mothers. Damned if we do, damned if we don't

Whatnow321 · 04/08/2022 12:58

I can understand it from both sides to be fair.

They aren’t your child and so to a degree not your problem and why should you end up late to work. However if not your problem it’s also not your place to decide they’re mature enough to be left alone and you’d agreed to drop them off and be with them and so not ok just to leave them.

The solution probably should have been to ring DH before you left. DH may very well have made the decision that he could have been left until DH got home since he’s done it before, and that would have meant it’s not on you then. Equally DH may have asked you to wait which I get would be frustrating but you’d agreed to be with him.

Motnight · 04/08/2022 12:59

MeenzAmRhoi · 04/08/2022 10:53

You're well within your right to refuse to take DSC to anymore holiday clubs, their parents can sort it out and I wouldn't put up with it either.

But Yabu to leave them alone.

This.

I personally wouldn't leave any 9 year old alone.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:59

@Becky6758 maybe not but if only a one off and it meant leaving a child home alone , i think most would be and the law is on your side in this instance
But i Don't understand how there was no time to ring num or dad before leaving , surely as soon as he refused and wasn't budging they should of been called and they speak to him, leave work
Then OP didn't need to be late and child didn't need to be home alone

MRex · 04/08/2022 13:00

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Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 13:00

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:59

@Becky6758 maybe not but if only a one off and it meant leaving a child home alone , i think most would be and the law is on your side in this instance
But i Don't understand how there was no time to ring num or dad before leaving , surely as soon as he refused and wasn't budging they should of been called and they speak to him, leave work
Then OP didn't need to be late and child didn't need to be home alone

She did ring Dad though?

Forgotthebins · 04/08/2022 13:00

I guess you are posting for support and don’t want to hear the other point of view OP. But I am genuinely interested in what happens next? Were the “D”SC’s parents ok with it, did they punish the 9 year old in the way you hoped? How are the relationships now?

Pumpcake · 04/08/2022 13:00

This board is always a race to the fucking bottom.

You call dad earlier, so that he comes in as you go out. No need to manhandle child into the car, no need to leave them unattended, no need to be late for work. When the time left is 10 mins before dad's journey time back you call dad. It's not hard.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:01

@MRex thats what I don't get either , surely at first sign he wasn't playing ball you called mum and dad to sort as you have to get ready for work/ get to work

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 13:02

Could is not would. And whatifery is unhelpful. Do you go onto threads about divorce and offer half baked legal advice about assets splits? Or onto threads about medical issues giving advice because your friend’s GP apparently told her X? Or is it just social services based speculation you go in for?

Nothing happened to the child because he was completely safe. There is nothing to investigate. Him feeling disgruntled or upset that he’s in trouble are not being unsafe.

This child’s father has made an assessment that he’s ok to be left on his own. He’s left him before. The mother feeling differently doesn’t override this. Legally or morally. They both have parental responsibility. Equally. She’d actually need to prove that he’s unsafe. She doesn’t get to exercise all the parental judgement.

The OP phoned him and the outcome of
that conversation was that he knew she was leaving and the child would be unattended while he came home. He agreed to this. At that point, he was taking responsibility for him. Undeniably. As has been established, he feels his son is mature enough to be in the house on his own for a period of time that’s comparable.

The only objection to her leaving came from the child’s mother who the child called to
complain. But the child’s father is just as entitled to make his own decisions.

Maytodecember · 04/08/2022 13:02

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:39

Ended up being about 30 - 40 mins.

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Perfectly ok. Probably watched TV, YouTube, minecraft whatever whatever.
Not your child, not your problem. Child probably thinks neither parents cares and this was their way of getting attention.

greatblueheron · 04/08/2022 13:03

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:54

@greatblueheron the nspcc disagree with that though and this child was upset and obviously has behavioural issues

There is no 'obviously' here. If there was, I would say his mother 'obviously' caters to these stunts which is why he decided to try it on. There was nothing wrong with him, he just didn't want to go.

The NSPCC can disagree, it doesn't make them right or the law in these situations.

I think most 9 year olds are responsible enough to be left home alone for 30 minutes in an adult changeover situation like this. No different than leaving an under the weather child home rather than dragging them out to pick up another child at school, etc.

Cw122 · 04/08/2022 13:03

I6344 · 04/08/2022 12:58

It's hard for step parents because as soon as we take responsibility (like everyone tells us we have to) and parent them how we would parent our own DCs we get absolutely flamed for it. Saying "not your kid, you have no say" etc. On Mumsnet and in life, being a step parent is something that no one can seem to get right in the eyes of other mothers. Damned if we do, damned if we don't

Show quote history

Totally agree with this I think it's so hard for step parents absolutely, but i also think it's bound to be hard for the child. You're both adjusting to a new family dynamic and the boundaries of that so it's really really hard. But even if it was a babysitter or a friend watching them and a parent wasn't at home on time or the kid wouldn't cooporate you would never expect them to just leave the kid alone incase something went wrong. You'd expect them to phone the parents and wait with the child until they got back unless otherwise told by the parents.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:03

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim as she was leaving not before
It says she rang dad told him to come home as she was going to work
Why not call him an he before when he first didn't listen and no mention of I called dh to come home , he said go to work and leave him like it was a joint decision
The childs mum has every right go be angry

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:04

@greatblueheron you can't possibly say most 9 year olds are ok you can't make that assumption as 9 year olds can all be very different

Earlymenopausesucks · 04/08/2022 13:04

Work1 · 04/08/2022 12:07

If I leave my kids in your care then you're doing me a favour. My 9yo would be getting a bollocking for inconveniencing you.

I honestly can't ever imagine leaving my child with someone, them behaving like this and then being annoyed at the person who was looking after them. My child would be grounded for a week for behaving like that and making an adult late for work on purpose and I'd be apologetic as hell to the person they'd done it to.

This would only be relevant if the responsible adult hadn’t left a 9yr old home alone!!

I wouldn’t allow my child to be left in your care again.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:05

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters I haven' offered any legal advice so get off your high horse really
I can state what happened as have others and have an opinion just like you

Teateaandmoretea · 04/08/2022 13:05

No different than leaving an under the weather child home rather than dragging them out to pick up another child at school, etc.

Lots of people do this though. Then let them out on their own to the park. Its surely safer watching telly at home.

I think yanbu OP, as a step parent there is less you can do about the behaviour anyway as if you actually made the child go the mum would have been furious too.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:07

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters and no point in the OP does it say he agreed , she told what she was doing and what is your profession tha you know so much
Are you a social worker , is the other poster lying about getting a call from SS ?
Yes it may be rare but it can happen
The nspcc have guidelines also for a good reason

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 13:09

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:03

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim as she was leaving not before
It says she rang dad told him to come home as she was going to work
Why not call him an he before when he first didn't listen and no mention of I called dh to come home , he said go to work and leave him like it was a joint decision
The childs mum has every right go be angry

She can feel whatever the hell she wants. The father made a parenting call on his time. She has no actual say in the decision that was made.

I'm assuming the OP was a little busy getting herself and her child ready to worry about if the kid was going to follow through on his audacity.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:09

@Pumpcake exactly just be the adult in the situation surelh

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 13:10

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:59

@Becky6758 maybe not but if only a one off and it meant leaving a child home alone , i think most would be and the law is on your side in this instance
But i Don't understand how there was no time to ring num or dad before leaving , surely as soon as he refused and wasn't budging they should of been called and they speak to him, leave work
Then OP didn't need to be late and child didn't need to be home alone

She did ring the dad.

In a lot of jobs it doesn’t matter if the law is on your side, who wants to deal with shit at work for a child that’s not yours and being a little shit.

It’s the parents problem to deal with. They got called. No one’s hurt. End off.

RedWingBoots · 04/08/2022 13:11

@MRex actually she does. She is the adult left in charge by one of the child's parents so she had to make the risk assessment. If anything happened to the child e.g. they blew the house up then she would be the one charged with neglect.

I've unpaid babysat younger relations plus SC. I've known which ones I can safely leave alone at 9 in particular circumstances and which ones I can't. Even though they all tend to behave better with me than with their parents.