Left DSC home alone

[Work1]

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

Congratulations you taught aggression in three different ways! Gold star!

Oh god another one! Has someone left the gate open?

It's not the same thing but when you marry someone with children, those children become your family too. If you don't want any responsibility for somebody else's kids, don't marry someone with kids.

They really don't.

A message from mumsnet mod on this topic.

Hello all. This is a reminder that, whislt we welcome a range of views on mumsnet, the stepparenting board is intended as a supportive place for MNers who maybe finding things tough or need advice in navigating delicate situations, and who, frankly may need to let off steam.

Posts suggesting that the op should have not got together with someone with children are pretty unhelpful in this scenarios and we ask posters to keep that in mind when posting on this board. Others are welcome to post but this is primarily a board for stepparents. Thanks*

Nope. Step-parent means the person you are married to already had children. I have no responsibility for my SC.

@Catfordthefifth the gate has well and truly been open.

I'm a mum and I wouldn't assume someone becomes defacto parent because they marry my ex. She has two parents who take all the parenting responsibilities on.

I don't think my DSD mum would appreciate me being like ok move over I'm here now type of approach.

Anyone peddling these statements iMO has some guilt issues they need to work through.

Honestly, I've found that anything after "when you marry a man with children" (which I always imagine in a bossy, Dolores Umbrage, twatty tone with a head tilt) isn't worth the time to read, let alone actually engage with. It's going to be a lot of shite spouted by someone who can't wrap their little minds around the fact that people/children/families/relationships might be different from their experience or even their fond imaginings.

And its very rarely "if you have children and marry a woman, don't expect her to be a 3rd parent"

Then there's the "would you have done that if it was your biological child?" crap. No because you can do things with your biological children that you can't do to your stepchildren. Like discipline them, or have a say in their upbringing, or grab and throw them in the car in their pyjamas when they refuse to get out of bed when you are running late for work.

Stepchildren are not your children.

You were bang out of order.

I think the bigger problem here is the way you talk about this child.
You clearly don’t see yourself as an extra parent, which is what a step-parent should be. This child to you is an inconvenience and you’re doing your husband “a favour” in looking after him. How does that work in a family, exactly? Because where I am from, we help each other out, we work together, we are a FAMILY. If my son was ever made to feel like an unwanted inconvenient burden by his step dad, I’d drop his a*s so fast he wouldn’t know what happened!

the real issue is not this one time you’ve left the child alone, it’s the way you don’t see him as family, even when he’s a half sibling of your own child.

This is the only red flag in your whole story. Sorry I’m not joining your little self-righteous wagon. You’re a terrible step-parent, why did you marry a man with a child? 🤦🏼‍♀️

You clearly don’t see yourself as an extra parent, which is what a step-parent should be no its not my DSC don't need 3 parents.

Nah, the problem here is that your definition is totally wrong. If my DP ever held me to a standard where he expected me to see myself as an extra parent to DSS and wasn't grateful for any favours I did for him regarding his care, then I would dump HIS ass.

The arrogance of parents like this.

I think mostly I’ve concluded that the concept of ‘family’ is a coercive, patriarchal tool to keep women in their place. And stepmothers in particular.

It shouldn’t be. But all this ‘you’re a family and that means you should/must…’ is incredibly telling.

Or have you considered that maybe, maybe, your way of thinking is incredibly judgemental and offensive to people who have a different kind of family?

I met my husband when my son was 18 months old. We moved in when he was nearly 3. He’s 6 now. He’s lived with his stepdad now for longer than he’s ever lived with his bio-dad. He calls his bio-dad papà and his stepdad dad. I never forced it, the relationship just grew. And yes, my husband does treat my son like his own and he does get involved in decisions, he has a say and a seat at the table, because at the end of the day he’s raising my son with me every day. He’s the person my son has breakfast with, who shares his passion for science and who has the same sense of humour as him.

My husband can’t have a biological child and we are looking into sperm donation, but either way he always tells me he’s fine with having just one child- who’s technically his step-child.

I wouldn’t want any less commitment from the person I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with. Not everyone might have the same relationship, I’m not saying they have to call you mum and dad, but you SHOULD treat them like family because stepchildren ARE family. They’re your husbands/wife’s blood, and if you have children with your spouse they’re your children’s own blood! How can you say they are NOT family?

And how horrible, how utterly tragic for the mental health of these children, feeling so rejected and unwanted by their parents’ new spouses, treated as inconveniences and Barry more than packages to be offloaded at the end of a visitation weekend.

It has nothing to do with the gender of the step parent: I would find it despicable from a woman or a man or a gender fluid individual. Maybe we actually have a different standard for stepdads, because most often the mother ends up being the primary caregiver and the stepparent accompanying them ends up living with the child 24/7, except a few weekends a month.

whatever you want to say to defend OP: you say you have a toddler. That child you’re so easily dismissing is their brother. They see how you consider that child, they will act the same way as you do. Think about what kind of relationship you want to model for the siblings, as well.

@allypanda no one has once said DSC aren't family.

This is a really good example of reading comprehension gone down the drain.

maybe, your way of thinking is incredibly judgemental and offensive to people who have a different kind of family?

The fact that you wrote this and don't get any of the irony of what you put is just mind blowing. People used to consider black people sitting on the same bus as white people offensive. Just because your offended doesn't mean you have the moral higher ground on any level (and history would indicate that actually statically it's unlikely coming at it from this angle you aren't on the "good" side.

It's fine to say that doesn't marry with my reality, but you don't get to diminish or reprimanded others for having their own views. And you are offended by people sharing their perspectives on their family that's different to your own... maybe get off the internet and take your judgement else where 🤔 just a thought ...

@ThePumpkinPatch

Was your daughter a baby at the time?
I remember someone on MN showing me the article.of her ex charged with this crime, but it was a baby, he left strapped in a car seat to go to his job...he was something like a mechanic if my memory is correct.

That was very different than this.

I mean in this situation with the OP, I personally wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving SS alone. I would have called in work and told them I'm running late and waited till his dad got home.

It's just that I'd never forgive myself if anything happened and really, an hour late compared to the child's safety is a no brainer. Any decent employer would be fine with this and it would be highly unreasonable for them to take any kind of disciplinary action for it.

I would make it absolutely clear to the child, that I was very upset with his behaviour and a few more words and I'd be telling the parents, I WILL NOT be left to take him to camp anymore.

@allypanda maybe you should consider that much of what you just explained about your own specific family and the specific people and relationships involved just doesn't apply to many, many others?
As an EOW/half the holidays (actually, all the weekends and all the holidays right now as DSDs mum is very ill) SM I simply have never had the same exposure to DSD that your DH has had to your son.
Especially as her mum fought DH all the way against our first introduction, then fought DH to make him an EOW dad, then stopped contact several times, meanwhile DSD is getting older and older...
So no, at no point in all this was it ever very likely that DSD was going to become just like "my child" in my eyes. People's hearts just don't work like that.
The way her mother behaved, I found it hard enough to think of her as DHs child since this woman was so determined he was only there to pay and for childcare purposes.
Things are much more settled than they used to be, but I do not share "breakfast and passions" with DSD and she seems perfectly happy knowing that her mum is her mum and I am Yousee, her brothers Mum. No pretence. No expectation that I am here to be dictated to and serve out of obligation because I married her dad.

What is it with people's inability to just say no to children on this forum. I've never known anything like it. The amount of ridiculous pandering that goes on to just avoid saying a two letter word every child should be able to hear every now and then without it ruining their childhood or requiring therapy.