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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 04/08/2022 12:45

Again not AGM

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:46

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim what if your child was injured you would be begging forgiveness from the person who left him

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 12:46

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:37

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters yet seem to think you do ?
Read up find out for yourself
You seriously don't think if an accident had occured and a child at that age was alone it wouldn't be looked into
I know a little how it works and even with a 13 year old one may be deemed on to leave home alone , another not

I’m not the one bringing SS up. Or trying to make the OP feel that she was abusing or neglecting the child. Or saying that the mum should stop contact.

And, yes, I do actually know more than a bit about it. For professional reasons. Not based on partial details of a friend’s
experience. Or having googled NSPCC.

But mostly, I object to moralising and scaremongering from people who admit they don’t know enough about the topic to advise. On literally any topic.

comfyshoes2022 · 04/08/2022 12:47

Goldbar · 04/08/2022 10:38

You were wrong to leave DSC home alone (he was in your care), but YANBU to say that your husband and his ex need to sort things between them from now on.

This.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:47

@I6344 it really does , some people seem to get away with loads and others pulled up
Its just it can happen

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 12:47

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:46

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim what if your child was injured you would be begging forgiveness from the person who left him

No. Then I'd be giving them another bollocking for doing whatever stupid thing got them injured.

When did we stop holding children accountable and allowing them to think they had the power to behave in such a disgusting manner

greatblueheron · 04/08/2022 12:48

Most 9 year olds can be left perfectly safely at home on their own for short amounts of time.

OP, you haven't done anything wrong here. Your own husband, his father, leaves him home alone for short periods of time. It's called judgement, and he's allowed to use his own, as are you.

This is your husband's problem to sort when your DSC is in your home. There's zero excuse for a 9 year old to behave in this manner. You are not required your job and livelihood because your DSC wouldn't get out of bed when you are doing his father a favour by sorting him in the mornings.

MintJulia · 04/08/2022 12:48

Good for you.

I left my 9yo alone every week to do parkrun. He was fine. As long as he had a phone and know how call, there was no problem.

You informed your DP - the responsible parent - so you did everything that was necessary. This is down to the parents, who are busily getting on with their own lives and assuming someone else will carry the load.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:49

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters but it is a fact that SS could get involved and I said what I would do if that was mY DC , the childs mum is not happy either she can also have a opinion
If you really know a bit about it due to your profession then when you would know that technically SS can get involved another poster also had the same or are we both lying
If someone posts on a public forum for opinions they will get ones , even ones they don't like

Cw122 · 04/08/2022 12:52

Just my opinion I think when you marry someone who has children you take on the role of step parent and you have responsibilities as part of that step parent role. That child is now as much a part of your family as your other child even though it's completely natural to find that tough because you're meeting them at a later stage. If something had happened while you were out and they were home alone you were still the responsible adult at the time who left them in that position. Obviously they need to learn from this and your husband needs to support you and have a joined approach but he's not going to be able to have a joint approach to parenting with you if you opt out when it's hard because they're 'not your kid'. If I was the kids mum and my exs partner had left them unattended while in their care I'd be spitting fire. I think it's unreasonable to expect her not to be mad at you for that. You need to sit down with your husband and have an honest conversation about what aspects of parenting you can and cannot take on but just remember there's a child at the centre of this who will remember what your approach to them is like for the rest of their lives.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:53

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim they are 9 , so if they fell down the stairs as accident happen and were seriously ill your instant response would be to bollock them
My child would never of behaved like this , I agree he has behaviour problems but that makes it even more of a risk leaving them in my opinion
I would be fuming at my child and I would if left work , but I would still not be happy they had been left alone and as the parent you can also feel like that
But at the same time , I would never of left mine with someone who would if done that
i also think if it was a mum in here saying her dp had done this , the answers would be very different

sillysmiles · 04/08/2022 12:53

A good lesson for the child that you have boundaries. A good lesson for the parents that then did to sort out their child to stop him progressing down the road of entitled brat.

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 12:54

You haven’t done anything wrong.

Maybe his parents might sort his behaviour out now.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:54

@greatblueheron the nspcc disagree with that though and this child was upset and obviously has behavioural issues

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 12:54

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 12:53

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim they are 9 , so if they fell down the stairs as accident happen and were seriously ill your instant response would be to bollock them
My child would never of behaved like this , I agree he has behaviour problems but that makes it even more of a risk leaving them in my opinion
I would be fuming at my child and I would if left work , but I would still not be happy they had been left alone and as the parent you can also feel like that
But at the same time , I would never of left mine with someone who would if done that
i also think if it was a mum in here saying her dp had done this , the answers would be very different

Yes I absolutly would.
It was half an hour before Dad came home so they should've stayed in bed.

I'm not sexist so my answer is always the same.

Fluffyboo · 04/08/2022 12:54

Work1 · 04/08/2022 12:02

I'm sure the people saying 'it wasn't my decision to make' would be saying the same I'd I'd physically forced him to the car too.

Seems like the only reasonable thing to do would have been to sit quietly and be late for my own job. Fuck that.

Well yes OP obviously, because you are a step parent. You should know by now that your needs come far below that of (in order) your step child, your husbands ex, your husband, and your your children.

You are to take all the responsibility for DSC but with none of the authority so you should just have let the kid do what he wants, while you phoned into work and sat in the corner self flagellating for not for foreseeing this scenario when you met your husband

AryaStarkWolf · 04/08/2022 12:55

You were in a lose/lose situation there OP, if you'd put your hands on the child their mother would probably be worse, leaving them for a short amount of time while their father gets back to deal with it is no big deal imo

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 12:55

Excellent, OP. I think that was the perfect way to handle it, you didn't start shouting and yelling and dumping a bucket of cold water on the brat then dragging him down the stairs by his ankle. You know the kid, alerted his dad (WTF is with all the "call his mum" bollocks?) and went to work.

If i were the mum or dad in this? the child would be getting a good stiff talking to and having some fun stuff curtailed for a week. And an apology to the OP.

And now? mum and dad can take care of the child (well, Dad since this is on his days) and OP doesn't have to be inconvenienced. Drinks all round!

Tontostitis · 04/08/2022 12:55

A tired nine year old left in bed knowing dad is on the way is not at risk. Anyone who thinks SS would have any interest in this has absolutely no idea of the work load and pressure the SS network is under and is quite frankly being ridiculous. You made the best decision in the circumstances OP. Like others I'm staggered a nine year old would A be so rude and B that anyone could be cross with you instead of him

Soonberaining · 04/08/2022 12:55

PPs need to understand that there are some jobs where you simply cannot be late.

OP was in the right. It's the parents that are responsible for their child, and if he's going to behave like this they must sort out childcare.

A nine year old is perfectly capable to be left and, presumably was warned this would happen. He clearly didn't care and wasn't worried that he'd be alone. .i

chesirecat99 · 04/08/2022 12:55

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2022 12:40

@worriedatthistime another poster suggested OP take a day off work.

If you are referring to me, @frazzledasarock, I didn't suggest OP took a day off work, I said that there would be no comeback for being 30 mins late to work to care for a step child when the alternative is leaving a 9YO home alone because she is entitled to time off to care for a dependent in an emergency.

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 12:55

I’d be telling the mum to go and take a run and jump as well if she got pissy over it.

Dacquoise · 04/08/2022 12:56

If there's a positive to come out of this, and it looks like no harm has been done, it's the great big boundary you have now set for the three parties involved:

Your DSC now knows that they can't manipulate you into allowing them not to go somewhere they need to go.

Your DH now knows that you won't drop your responsibilities to facilitate his.

The exW now knows that this isn't your problem to solve and that she needs to coparent their child's behaviour and put something in place so it doesn't happen again

😉

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 12:56

chesirecat99 · 04/08/2022 12:55

If you are referring to me, @frazzledasarock, I didn't suggest OP took a day off work, I said that there would be no comeback for being 30 mins late to work to care for a step child when the alternative is leaving a 9YO home alone because she is entitled to time off to care for a dependent in an emergency.

Show quote history

Not everyone’s work are so accommodating.

Brefugee · 04/08/2022 12:56

PPs need to understand that there are some jobs where you simply cannot be late.

just imagining everyone standing at the station platform while the announcement comes over that train driver is running late due to badly behaved step-child Grin