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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
Roady1 · 11/08/2022 07:04

Wrong thread!

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/08/2022 07:06

@allypanda

you SHOULD treat them like family because stepchildren ARE family.

Every family is different, and what you call 'treating like family' would have other people screaming 'overstepping' or 'you're not my Mum, you can't make me' etc.

A childless man choosing to take on an infant as his own child gets an entirely different life experience to a woman taking on older children/teenagers/young adults as stepchildren. Being the resident parents makes a huge difference to the relationship you can build.

Your experience is your unique experience. It doesn't qualify you to tell others in entirely different circumstances what they SHOULD do.

liveforsummer · 11/08/2022 07:16

allypanda · 10/08/2022 23:17

Or have you considered that maybe, maybe, your way of thinking is incredibly judgemental and offensive to people who have a different kind of family?

I met my husband when my son was 18 months old. We moved in when he was nearly 3. He’s 6 now. He’s lived with his stepdad now for longer than he’s ever lived with his bio-dad. He calls his bio-dad papà and his stepdad dad. I never forced it, the relationship just grew. And yes, my husband does treat my son like his own and he does get involved in decisions, he has a say and a seat at the table, because at the end of the day he’s raising my son with me every day. He’s the person my son has breakfast with, who shares his passion for science and who has the same sense of humour as him.

My husband can’t have a biological child and we are looking into sperm donation, but either way he always tells me he’s fine with having just one child- who’s technically his step-child.

I wouldn’t want any less commitment from the person I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with. Not everyone might have the same relationship, I’m not saying they have to call you mum and dad, but you SHOULD treat them like family because stepchildren ARE family. They’re your husbands/wife’s blood, and if you have children with your spouse they’re your children’s own blood! How can you say they are NOT family?

And how horrible, how utterly tragic for the mental health of these children, feeling so rejected and unwanted by their parents’ new spouses, treated as inconveniences and Barry more than packages to be offloaded at the end of a visitation weekend.

It has nothing to do with the gender of the step parent: I would find it despicable from a woman or a man or a gender fluid individual. Maybe we actually have a different standard for stepdads, because most often the mother ends up being the primary caregiver and the stepparent accompanying them ends up living with the child 24/7, except a few weekends a month.

whatever you want to say to defend OP: you say you have a toddler. That child you’re so easily dismissing is their brother. They see how you consider that child, they will act the same way as you do. Think about what kind of relationship you want to model for the siblings, as well.

This is a very different scenario though. Say in a couple of years time when your da is a bit older. If his dad got a girlfriend- or a new one if he has one just now would you be happy if hood boy started calling her mummy and she started taking on a full parental role instead of just being kind and friendly and doing favours (until he shouted at her 'make me' whilst she's late for work). This is not a situation where that dc sees her as mum he has a mum for that who is resident parent and the dc just visits. Your dc is living with your partner where a father role is more appropriate/necessary

clickychicky · 11/08/2022 07:30

Not everyone might have the same relationship, I’m not saying they have to call you mum and dad, but you SHOULD treat them like family because stepchildren ARE family. They’re your husbands/wife’s blood, and if you have children with your spouse they’re your children’s own blood! How can you say they are NOT family?

  1. I'm not sure why "they're your children's own blood" is often used as an argument here. Some dads go round fathering multiple children with one night stands, as long as the children are vaguely aware of the other kids I don't see why they all have to be one happy family. It's also offensive to adopted children. Blood isn't everything.
  1. No one is saying they aren't family? But people in families are treated in different ways. My DSC are my family but I don't "treat them as my own" as they aren't, they wouldn't want me to be another "mum". They are them, I am me, we have out own unique and precious relationship where we just are what we are. Fair enough other step families might work differently but this is what works for us. Anything else would be fake and potentially damaging to the DSC, I firmly believe they need a hierarchy in their life - their parents at the top.
liveforsummer · 11/08/2022 07:37

@clickychicky I totally agree with you. My DC's sm is fantastic but she's more like a friend with a bit of responsibility say in the way one of my close friends are with them. They'll do basic level care but bigger decisions or dealing with very poor behaviour gets referred to a parent. Not that the latter has ever occurred but if it did.

allypanda · 11/08/2022 07:48

The only person who can’t read here is you: SEVERAL messages replied to my previous one saying “they’re NOT family”. Hence what I was talking about.

It’s not about the moral high ground, I don’t really care if you think I’m an awful person or compare me to a racist (100% relevant to the post, by the way!).

All I said is that step children should be treated like family. How hard you are battling against me about this says way more about you than it does about me.

Have a blessed day 😁

Yousee · 11/08/2022 08:04

@Roady1 actually, your comment is perfectly at home on this thread, which is about a child who simply would not be told!

CornedBeef451 · 11/08/2022 08:05

It's all a bit hysterical on here but I think you did the right thing.

You seem very sensible and your responses to the slightly mad messages on here have been very calm.

SudocremOnEverything · 11/08/2022 08:21

There are I finite ways to do family.

Saying you should treat anyone like family doesn’t imply anything in particular. Family, in many cases, means dreading seeing some people and just trying to get through any events where you do. Or avoiding them entirely. That is as much as part of the spectrum of possibilities as anything else.

SC are not your children. They’re in-laws. So the family comparison are to how you might view your MIL or BIL rather than mother or brother. Insisting that they are your children so you must, is like insisting that you sister’s husband is in a role at all like your husband. For some reason, loads of people just stop thinking at all when it’s children. Even though they don’t want a second mother in most cases!

clickychicky · 11/08/2022 08:52

@SudocremOnEverything I feel that is an excellent comparison. I suppose really they are inlaws.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 11/08/2022 08:57

@allypanda since your message was op - not to various posters here ...I don't remember her say once he's not my family.

She's said repeatedly DSC isn't her child which is correct unless she has adoption papers hidden somewhere.. that would be a massive drip feed if so. Also if he was her child she would be able to treat the child as she saw fit without asking permission from his dad on what to do (which she did) and mum having a fit.

As I said your reading into OPs post when she's literally not said he isn't my family.

It's abundantly clear though that certain posters think they coming from a moral high place and I certainly don't have that pretence. You compared apples and oranges and said they are same thing, the orange should be less orange because it's morally correct.
Which doesn't change the fact oranges and apples are different.

Btw calling a mum or dad bio dad is actually kinda offensive, but granted biologically correct. You can't change blood no matter how much some may want to.

Side note - even on the topic of family it still doesn't mean you are = unpaid babysitter. There's a another word for that, if you think that's normal. And it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

Anyway you do you, but let's not pretend or moralise something that is not fact. Just opinion.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 11/08/2022 08:58

CornedBeef451 · 11/08/2022 08:05

It's all a bit hysterical on here but I think you did the right thing.

You seem very sensible and your responses to the slightly mad messages on here have been very calm.

This all of this. ^

GreenManalishi · 11/08/2022 12:06

I think there's a point being missed that a nine year old that behaves like that isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. It's not about that one's YOUR child, or this one's MY child, they're not posessions or malfunctioning equipment.

Any child in an adults care deserves respect and kindness, whether it's a child your DH fathered, or not. If you can't understand this basic humaning you deserve the relationships you will get.

HandbagsnGladrags · 11/08/2022 13:00

Or maybe they're just being a little shit @GreenManalishi, as kids that age can be sometimes?

GreenManalishi · 11/08/2022 13:17

@HandbagsnGladrags I feel that's a very one dimensional way of looking at it, but maybe that's working well for you.

Yousee · 11/08/2022 14:09

Maybe OP didn't have the time to get her armchair out and psychoanalyse the kid and get to the heart of his issues, she just needed to get her child to nursery and get to work.

SnowWhitesSM · 11/08/2022 15:12

Not all poor behaviour is communication. Sometimes it's natural pushing of boundaries. The defiance suggests it's that rather than communicating through poor behaviour. This age in boys seems to be a sticking point in all step parenting forums!

clickychicky · 11/08/2022 16:08

GreenManalishi · 11/08/2022 12:06

I think there's a point being missed that a nine year old that behaves like that isn't giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time. It's not about that one's YOUR child, or this one's MY child, they're not posessions or malfunctioning equipment.

Any child in an adults care deserves respect and kindness, whether it's a child your DH fathered, or not. If you can't understand this basic humaning you deserve the relationships you will get.

OP also deserves respect. I don't think it is disrespectful to have left the SC on their own. If anything it shows OP views them as master of their own destiny.

Pinkyxx · 11/08/2022 20:42

It's certainly not OP's job to be carting this child around, but personally I wouldn't leave a 9 year old alone having a tantrum. Children behave unreasonably at times, even the best behaved child will have it's moments. It's par for the course and part of the deal when you agree to look after someone else's kids. Personally I avoid doing so like the plague because I have little patience for this kind of behavior (possibly why my daughter would never pull this kind of shit). If the child wouldn't cooperate I'm not sure why one of his parents wasn't called sooner?

Sorry OP YABU, there were better ways to handle this.

ohdelay · 13/08/2022 20:12

The kid literally told her "make me", she couldn't and it wasn't her job and passed it back to the parents. If her kid had told her "make me", she would have. That's the difference and why she should step away from any future favours.

beachcitygirl · 17/08/2022 16:40

Bit of both OP

I'd have been furious too but I wouldn't have left him alone & nor should you.

I would have (with bad grace & fury) stayed until Mum or dad got home

But

I would have been 100% out from then on in.

beachcitygirl · 17/08/2022 17:07

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 14:48

@ImAvingOops

For the benefit of a pp upthread, not all children from 'broken homes' are traumatised Hmm. Many kids have 2 lovely families and are perfectly happy.

Separation and divorce is considered to be an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) which correlate with future mental health and other problems. No not every child will be adversely affected in the long run, but it is inevitably a trauma and upheaval, and is a risk factor for long term issues. Adults like to pretend this isn't the case because they want to believe what's best for them is ergo good for everyone else. And certainly it is better for a child to experience parental separation than it is to live in a loveless, unharmonious or abusive home. But that doesn't undo the fact that losing the family unit is an ACE in its own right.

The fact this child's parents clearly do not get along and see eye to eye; the fact his father has remarried and he has recently acquired a step-sibling; the fact his is acting up, playing the parents off each other etc; all these are indicators that he is struggling, with a situation which is acknowledged by experts to be a difficult one.

Do you think the situation described (high levels of aggression and frustration from the OP towards the parents and the child, disagreement between the two parents about what constitutes acceptable care, the child acting as go-between and intervening and provoking disagreements between his parents) sound like a child with 2 lovely families who is perfectly happy?

If not your Pollyanna viewpoint is a bit irrelevant really.

👏🏻👏🏻

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 17/08/2022 17:14

Your right divorce is a ace

Separation and divorce is considered to be an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) which correlate with future mental health and other problems. No not every child will be adversely affected in the long run, but it is inevitably a trauma and upheaval, and is a risk factor for long term issues. Adults like to pretend this isn't the case because they want to believe what's best for them is ergo good for everyone else.

So maybe instead of this turning this thread into a first wives vs second wives - the parents who create children and divorce - creating the trauma should stop attacking sms for asking a question on the step parenting board and go out that extra energy they have got into their children.

I say this as a first wife, with a Dd who has a sm and she was the ow. And I still manage to co parent well and own that fact me and her dad are solely responsible for the divorces impact on our daughter. And act accordingly.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 17/08/2022 17:14

Use*

SandyY2K · 19/08/2022 08:38

@beachcitygirl

Bit of both OP

I'd have been furious too but I wouldn't have left him alone & nor should you.

I would have (with bad grace & fury) stayed until Mum or dad got home

I totally agree with you.

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