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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
GreenManalishi · 06/08/2022 09:29

*It all rests on whether your dp is a wet lettuce
*

I'm not sure what classifies as a wet lettuce but I'd disgree. It's not about how good he is about prioritising his new partner over his ex and the kids. It all rests on whether the adults go into it like adults with their eyes open and some empathy for the kids they're dragging behind them who have no choice.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 06/08/2022 09:42

I agree with some of the comments. I was spectacularly naive even as a 40s woman with years of experience in many fields. I thought people were generally good and that the mother of my husband’s children would want the best for them. I was very very wrong. Her desire to protect her own self importance in his life far out stripped her wish to see her children happy with their dad and his new partner.
We hobbled through and now have a life that although considered strange by many works for us, despite her!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/08/2022 09:45

GreenManalishi · 06/08/2022 09:29

*It all rests on whether your dp is a wet lettuce
*

I'm not sure what classifies as a wet lettuce but I'd disgree. It's not about how good he is about prioritising his new partner over his ex and the kids. It all rests on whether the adults go into it like adults with their eyes open and some empathy for the kids they're dragging behind them who have no choice.

The irony of this being said on the step parenting board, like the majority of sp forgotten or dismissive of our DSC needs.

I don't assume all Dm are evil or crazy. Why do you think it's ok to do that to sm ?

But it takes all people to work together. If people are cross at an ex for moving on, why not be cross at him and leave us out of it.
Or keep said wet lettuce 🥬 for yourself ?

MaxOverTheMoon · 06/08/2022 10:15

So ironic to assume not being a wet lettuce equals having no empathy towards your dc and not meeting their needs at the expense of meeting a new partners needs. Honestly it's hilarious to see what people really think of step parents.

greatblueheron · 06/08/2022 10:55

diddl · 05/08/2022 15:23

I know the onus was on the dad to collect his son & get him to the club-but I'm guessing that the mum wasn't concerned enough when her son rang to immediately down tools & rush to be with him?

Very good point.

As I said earlier, I think it's just a convenient stick for mum to beat OP with ... until she realises that OP won't do the running on her days for her anymore.

GreenManalishi · 06/08/2022 11:06

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pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/08/2022 11:13

@GreenManalishi

A post from mod from mumsnet -

*Hello all. This is a reminder that, whislt we welcome a range of views on mumsnet, the stepparenting board is intended as a supportive place for MNers who maybe finding things tough or need advice in navigating delicate situations, and who, frankly may need to let off steam.

Posts suggesting that the op should have not got together with someone with children are pretty unhelpful in this scenarios and we ask posters to keep that in mind when posting on this board. Others are welcome to post but this is primarily a board for stepparents. Thanks*

GreenManalishi · 06/08/2022 11:16

I'm a step parent that doesn't agree.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/08/2022 11:21

@GreenManalishi If you're on here moaning (and this is the internet not a private step mum club) maybe you're not doing it right.

Grand so I'm sure you can then understand that actually it also maybe that some of the issues SP face and talking about here. Aren't always caused by the step parent... but sure wide sweeping assumptions like this help.

GreenManalishi · 06/08/2022 11:49

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

I think where I'm coming from if we refer back to the OP, is that if your relationship with a child of 9 is so poor that you can't get them out of bed and you "fucked off and left" them alone in the house and you're "fuming" then there is an issue with that relationship, and a massive empathy void. As the adult the responsibility for this lies with you. Not your "wet lettuce" partner that someone has suggested be sent back to his ex, and we are yet to clarify what qualifies as a wet lettuce. Not the childs mother, and absolutely not the child.

I'm simply saying that there is absolutely no point in vilifying the SC and the only way for everyone to have an easier time, including you as a SM, is keep the kids front and centre and get over your own ego. Of course not all issues are caused by SM, and I didn't suggest that was the case. However issues in a relationship with a SM and a SC are the SM responsibility.

Yousee · 06/08/2022 12:01

However issues in a relationship with a SM and a SC are the SM responsibility
Not entirely the SMs responsibility. If you think the behaviour and attitude of the child's parents has no bearing on how that step relationship develops you are in Dreamland.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 06/08/2022 12:01

@GreenManalishi and I don't disagree with you re re of course you shouldn't just fuck off and leave a child which you have no legal right to make the choice to leave.

What I would call someone with parental rights and ask them what to do. Which is what op did and dp gave approval for op to leave and he came to collect his child.

However if this was my child I would have picked them up and put them in the car, and they would have been reprimanded by me for being rude to a adult.

Knowing my position within a step family means knowing I don't have the right to do the above as I'm not their parent.

But as a parent with my Dd, I'm in the best position to see and address any issues that maybe with said child (say child is suffering from the split) and fix them. A sp is simply not in that position.

I would love to treat DSD as my own, but frankly everyone involved would find that odd (thinking not just of childcare, but weddings, graduation and special occasions). I respect her Dm and I am not ever going to replace her in any fashion.

And pretence to me, would not work for my family. What happens in another family is none of my concern. Frankly.

Yousee · 06/08/2022 13:01

@pitchforksandflamethrowers @MaxOverTheMoon
Thanks, I think he's ok too ☺️
He's definitely shaped by his experiences as a DSC on both sides. He learned that
A) his mum was an idiot to try to force a false narrative of who was related to who on her new partner and his family.
B) his dad was an idiot for palming off his (very minimal behaving moved 100 miles away with his new partner and kids) parenting on to his SM, who already had her hands full with two younger children and an older disabled daughter.
He doesn't blame either of his step parents for how that played out. It was his parents who were in the wrong and he learned from their mistakes. Hence he doesn't expect me to declare undying love for his child or pick up her dirty pants.

Jomo01 · 08/08/2022 18:54

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stepmonster69 · 08/08/2022 19:02

@Jomo01 if he divorced her though he wouldn't have anyone to do his childcare though would he?

ImAvingOops · 08/08/2022 19:23

@Jomo01 no one is going to leave their wife because she had to get to work on time and left a stroppy 9 year old in bed for half an hour until their dad got home! Jeez

StarDolphins · 08/08/2022 19:35

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable op, I would’ve done the exact same thing.

DarthMom · 08/08/2022 19:36

I know that’s right! You would have been in the wrong too had you dragged him to the car and into the holiday cub. It was a lose lose situation for you. It’s not like he was left at home for an entire work shift. It was under an hour. His parents need to teach him some respect and manners. YANBU

StarDolphins · 08/08/2022 19:36

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable op, I would’ve done the exact same thing.

Jomo01 · 08/08/2022 19:41

If someone could not accept my child as their own and talked about them the way she did and referring my child as not her own then yes I would absolutely divorce them. Also it is recommended that you do not leave children alone until they are at least 12 years of age. Most children do not have the coping skills and rationale to deal with an emergency if it comes up.

HandbagsnGladrags · 08/08/2022 19:44

Jomo01 · 08/08/2022 19:41

If someone could not accept my child as their own and talked about them the way she did and referring my child as not her own then yes I would absolutely divorce them. Also it is recommended that you do not leave children alone until they are at least 12 years of age. Most children do not have the coping skills and rationale to deal with an emergency if it comes up.

Well of course the child isn't her own. She's just saying it how it is. If my daughter's stepmum referred to my daughter as her own child I'd be furious.

clickychicky · 08/08/2022 19:49

Jomo01 · 08/08/2022 19:41

If someone could not accept my child as their own and talked about them the way she did and referring my child as not her own then yes I would absolutely divorce them. Also it is recommended that you do not leave children alone until they are at least 12 years of age. Most children do not have the coping skills and rationale to deal with an emergency if it comes up.

But my DSC aren't my own. It's a fact. They don't want to be my children. They are my stepchildren and we have a unique and special bond. Just accepting each other for who we are.

gamerchick · 08/08/2022 19:54

Good for you OP. Bet he nearly crapped himself. One of mine would have been in trouble for going on like that. Tbf I can understand why he wanted a lie in. This is why I take 2 weeks off in the summer holidays so my kid can chill. Mam or dad should have done that tbh.

rookiemere · 08/08/2022 20:17

Jomo01 · 08/08/2022 19:41

If someone could not accept my child as their own and talked about them the way she did and referring my child as not her own then yes I would absolutely divorce them. Also it is recommended that you do not leave children alone until they are at least 12 years of age. Most children do not have the coping skills and rationale to deal with an emergency if it comes up.

DS started getting the bus home and being alone for about 30-60 minutes from the age of 10.
9 is a little enthusiastic, but these were unusual circumstances.

Starseeking · 08/08/2022 20:33

Jomo01 · 08/08/2022 19:41

If someone could not accept my child as their own and talked about them the way she did and referring my child as not her own then yes I would absolutely divorce them. Also it is recommended that you do not leave children alone until they are at least 12 years of age. Most children do not have the coping skills and rationale to deal with an emergency if it comes up.

I really don't understand this mentality. A child has 2 parents, neither of whom is the OP. Marrying someone with DC doesn't automatically make those DC theirs; the DC already have a parent of that sex!