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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
TokyoTen · 04/08/2022 11:26

Yanbu OP and infant blame you. Kind of you to take on stopping DSC in the first place but they have to fully cooperate. I think your approach of patents do all parenting in future is an excellent one.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 04/08/2022 11:27

FlibbertyGiblets · 04/08/2022 11:15

If you had read the OP you would have discovered that the OP has dropped the DSC at club a few times, including having the child dropped off by mum at the OP's for onward transit by OP. But don't let that interfere with your narrative of wicked stepmama, oh no.

Show quote history

I read and understood the op fine. It isn't a wicked stepmama narrative, its an irresponsible adult narrative. She shouldn't have offered.

chesirecat99 · 04/08/2022 11:30

I would be furious with you too.

You agreed to look after your DSC. You were the responsible adult in charge of the child. You were in loco parentis. Would you have left your own child at home alone because they wouldn't get out of bed? Would you have left a sleepover guest home alone because they wouldn't get out of bed?

You should have dealt with this before it got to the stage of making you late. You had plenty of other options. You could have called your DH to come back earlier. You could have asked him to deal with it by phone, a telling off from his DF might have got him out of bed. You could have asked his DF what he wanted you to do, leave him home alone or drag him to the car (personally, I would rather you plonked him in the car in his PJs). I really don't see why your employer would give you leeway for issues with your own child but not a step child in your sole care. You didn't have to tell them it was your step child anyway, you could have just said it was your DC...

You don't have to put up with looking after your SDC in the future but yesterday you agreed to take care of the child. You didn't.

MineIsBetterThanYours · 04/08/2022 11:38

@chesirecat99 actually I would leave me my 9yo on their own yes.
Because that was for about 30mins not the whole day.

MineIsBetterThanYours · 04/08/2022 11:40

And lol at the idea that the Op should have called his dad ‘befire it got out of hand’.

How long before leaving do you tell a child to get up? 2 hours? Because in that situation I would have asked my own dc to get up about 30 mins before leaving, not earlier.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 04/08/2022 11:41

I do think the parents need to parent - the only thing wrong here I think is that you took on being the parent by agreeing to do the morning run - and it wasn’t fair to just drop that unexpectedly and without warning - mainly for the child’s safety and wellbeing.

I6344 · 04/08/2022 11:42

chesirecat99 · 04/08/2022 11:30

I would be furious with you too.

You agreed to look after your DSC. You were the responsible adult in charge of the child. You were in loco parentis. Would you have left your own child at home alone because they wouldn't get out of bed? Would you have left a sleepover guest home alone because they wouldn't get out of bed?

You should have dealt with this before it got to the stage of making you late. You had plenty of other options. You could have called your DH to come back earlier. You could have asked him to deal with it by phone, a telling off from his DF might have got him out of bed. You could have asked his DF what he wanted you to do, leave him home alone or drag him to the car (personally, I would rather you plonked him in the car in his PJs). I really don't see why your employer would give you leeway for issues with your own child but not a step child in your sole care. You didn't have to tell them it was your step child anyway, you could have just said it was your DC...

You don't have to put up with looking after your SDC in the future but yesterday you agreed to take care of the child. You didn't.

OP could have made her DC get in the car easier, step mums get slated if they even fart in the general direction of DSCs. If her DSC had phoned mum to say she dragged him by his arm to the car.... do you think that she wouldn't have been even more angry?

babba2014 · 04/08/2022 11:44

The poor kid. I never ever comment on this board but honestly it's the summer holidays, he probably just wants to be at home. This is not your fault at all by the way. His parents can't work something out between them and the child is suffering. Instead they conveniently leave it to you and blame it on you.
The kid is in the middle of this all. He isn't naughty. I'd hate to go to any summer holiday club at that age. He's obviously feeling the brunt of his parents just fobbing him off to you which is why he stood his ground. Please don't call him naughty.
You've done a lot for him it seems. Here, it's the parents to blame. Not you or the child. He is not naughty and nor are you to blame. Perhaps they should parent themselves and get their child to any club themselves.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/08/2022 11:45

I think in an ideal world you would have rung DH sooner, and he would have arrived faster, but it's not an ideal world, and you probably thought that DSC would eventually get up last minute, rather than keep refusing.
Keeping your job trumps most other considerations here, but it would have been better not to have left DSC alone, if there was a choice.
Am quite shocked at DSC's aggressive and rude behaviour...the thing is, if your own child says "Make me!" you absolutely can make them, up to and including physically putting them in the car, and knowing them well enough to be able to de-escalate more easily.
When it's not your child, it's much more difficult, and you are now being asked to justify your actions, which would not be the case if it was your own child.
I agree with you that having had this experience with DSC, it is no longer OK for the actual parents to ask you to take on responsibility for him.
In the meantime, DSC clearly needs an earlier bed time to help them be better tempered in the morning.. DH should be putting that in hand pronto. DSC needs to understand consequences.

Cognacsoft · 04/08/2022 11:48

babba2014 · 04/08/2022 11:44

The poor kid. I never ever comment on this board but honestly it's the summer holidays, he probably just wants to be at home. This is not your fault at all by the way. His parents can't work something out between them and the child is suffering. Instead they conveniently leave it to you and blame it on you.
The kid is in the middle of this all. He isn't naughty. I'd hate to go to any summer holiday club at that age. He's obviously feeling the brunt of his parents just fobbing him off to you which is why he stood his ground. Please don't call him naughty.
You've done a lot for him it seems. Here, it's the parents to blame. Not you or the child. He is not naughty and nor are you to blame. Perhaps they should parent themselves and get their child to any club themselves.

This^^

Parents happy to push their responsibilities onto OP but wouldn’t have been happy if she had disciplined him.
Dc should be made to apologise and parents should too.

LunaMay · 04/08/2022 11:49

hulahoopqueen · 04/08/2022 10:48

I was a right little shit when I was 9, and would absolutely have shown my DSM this kind of shit.
She would have done exactly the same as you, OP.
My mother did not like my DSM at all. But had I called her in a strop that I'd been left alone, my mother would have laid into me, not the DSM, and my DF would have done the same - because guess what, it's the child who has the responsibility for their actions at that age.
I don't think YABU in this instance.

Same, i was horrible to my SM at times around that age and funnily it was never my dad that pulled me up on it but my mum would absolutely let me have it and i would be punished by her when i got home.
I also tried the same shit with my SF but only the once because she wasn't having it, she'd not put up with us treating any adult like that and she was actually a pretty relaxed parent.

chesirecat99 · 04/08/2022 11:50

I don't think you should leave a 9YO old home alone, but that is your choice to make risk to take as a parent, @MineIsBetterThanYours. Would you leave a child guest home alone? Or a child you were babysitting? It wasn't OP's decision to make.

The reality is, the child was in her care, in the eyes of the law, she would have been responsible if something went wrong.

2bazookas · 04/08/2022 11:51

IT seems very unlikely this is the very first ever incident of their son flatly refusing to do as he's damn well told by a parental figure, so how has this arisen? Has it been raised before and the birth parents failed to deal with it?

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 11:52

I get hating summer clubs, I'd have hated it to at his age but it is what it is, his parents need to go to work, it's not an excuse for behaving like that imo. (Not condoning this obviously) but I'd have got a clap round the ear if I'd told my parents to 'make me' and made them late for work because I didn't want to go somewhere!

It shouldn't just be ignored because he doesn't want to go to club. There are children the country over having to go to clubs or boring grannies house or whatever because it's school holidays and their parents still need to work.

OP posts:
Whatsagirlsgottado · 04/08/2022 11:52

Wicked step mother!! Don't knowingly marry a man with a child.

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 11:52

It wasn't OP's decision to make

Don't leave your child 'in my care' then if you don't want me to make any decisions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 11:54

Whatsagirlsgottado · 04/08/2022 11:52

Wicked step mother!! Don't knowingly marry a man with a child.

What has marrying him got to do with anything?

OP posts:
ilovemyboys3 · 04/08/2022 11:54

I absolutely don't blame you and would of done the same. A 9 year old could be left for a very short time and if you rang his dad then you've let go of your responsibility. Why should you get in trouble and be late because of him. I wouldn't be getting back into the situation of babysitter and chauffeur!

SarahAndQuack · 04/08/2022 11:55

I think if your DSC's parents disagree with you on the appropriateness of leaving a nine year old alone for half an hour (which, personally, I think is fine unless you happen to know there's a good reason the child won't cope), then there's a simple solution: they shouldn't leave you to do the work.

Sirzy · 04/08/2022 11:55

You agreed to look after the children and get them to holiday club. You can’t just walk out and leave them like you did whatever your role in their life.

saying “I’m not doing it anymore” is one thing but walking out with nothing in place to resolve it is another. I don’t blame them for being angry with you

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 11:56

walking out with nothing in place to resolve it

I didn't walk out with nothing in place. His dad was coming home and I had to get to work. That was the resolution. I didn't just walk out and not let anyone know.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/08/2022 11:59

chesirecat99 · 04/08/2022 11:50

I don't think you should leave a 9YO old home alone, but that is your choice to make risk to take as a parent, @MineIsBetterThanYours. Would you leave a child guest home alone? Or a child you were babysitting? It wasn't OP's decision to make.

The reality is, the child was in her care, in the eyes of the law, she would have been responsible if something went wrong.

So step parents are to be held to a higher standard than parents? Nah, I wouldn't be doing any childcare in those conditions.

Beachbabe1 · 04/08/2022 12:00

Good for you!! He was in bed for 30 mins until Dad arrived home! Quite safe! Too many precious people on here!! Jeez!!!

Just10moreminutesplease · 04/08/2022 12:01

Jesus, you’re well within your rights to refuse to offer childcare but you don’t leave a child you’ve already agreed to watch home alone. I honestly can’t believe that you think you’re in the right.

It doesn’t matter that you’re a stepparent. You’re an adult and you made a commitment…you don’t just leave a nine year old regardless of whether they’re having a tantrum or not.

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 12:02

I'm sure the people saying 'it wasn't my decision to make' would be saying the same I'd I'd physically forced him to the car too.

Seems like the only reasonable thing to do would have been to sit quietly and be late for my own job. Fuck that.

OP posts: