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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 05/08/2022 08:43

If DSS is supposed to come to yours tonight, it will be interesting to see what his dad now has in place to get him to club tomorrow morning... I think that will be telling in 'how bothered' he is about dss being left.

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2022 08:45

*The reason why OP should care is that most blended families try to work together and respect each other's wishes - or the decent ones do at least. The only time that's not possible is when party is being wildly unreasonable, or just acting like a bellend.

Not wanting your 9 yr old child to be left at home unattended isn't unreasonable. There are lots of parents who would consider this to be way too young - especially for longer than a few minutes. I can't see therefore why it would be unreasonable to try and accommodate the mother's preference*

There are many things my DP and his ex don't agree on in terms of how to raise their DS, and they just both have to crack on with their own approach. The desire for the child not to be spoilt rotten (especially when their behaviour is poor) and the desire for them not to be massively babied and mollycoddled, are as fundamental as the desire for them not to be left alone for half an hour. Yet these are things one separated parent regularly has to watch the other allow, it's an incredibly common disagreement. Because the truth is those things are subjective and the other parent has just as much right to set their own limits.

When the parents have different approaches, you can't really satisfy them both at once. OP only has any real obligation to pay attention to what their dad says, which she did.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 08:55

In many post-divorce families, the entire situation came about because the parents don’t work together and agree in some fundamental ways. They don’t usually get more aligned after separation.

exactly how is @Work1 supposed to work together with this particular ex? Especially given the 9 year old is clearly practiced at playing his parents off against each other. He knows they don’t work together; that’s why he does it.

contrary to popular belief, it’s not stepmums who cause the problems in the vast majority of cases. The breakdown in the relationship preceded them. The separation and the ACE already happened. The dysfunction between the parents already existed (I suspect even in many of those cases where apparently it was all fine until the SM came along that what’s actually happened is that dad realised that he didn’t have to act like his ex is the boss any longer). The kids know that dysfunction exists.

We are so often told that SM’s should hide in the corner and do penance because the child will know that they don’t love them like their own etc, etc. But that’s mostly a blame the stepmum distraction technique for a situation where the child already knows a lot about how their parents feel about things, and that’s the upsetting thing for them. A stepmum is just a handy squirrel so you can brush all that under the carpet.

KosherDill · 05/08/2022 08:58

Still on Team OP here.

OP, has the child apologized?

Flakjacketon · 05/08/2022 09:21

With the wisdom of hindsight, perhaps you should have been late for work on this ONE occasion, whilst you waited for your DH to come home. Then refused to be responsible for DSC in the future.

MiddleParking · 05/08/2022 09:29

Flakjacketon · 05/08/2022 09:21

With the wisdom of hindsight, perhaps you should have been late for work on this ONE occasion, whilst you waited for your DH to come home. Then refused to be responsible for DSC in the future.

Why is that the wisdom of hindsight solution? With the wisdom of hindsight, perhaps the mum should have wound her neck in.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 05/08/2022 09:31

ThePumpkinPatch · 05/08/2022 02:02

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim You're the only person making a fool of yourself by condoning the neglect of a nine year old child! Whether they're a baby, 6/7/8 or 9, they cannot sufficiently protect themselves! Yes, of course a 9yr old is more competent than a toddler but neither has the capability to protect themselves from certain dangers - therefore it's still endangering a child!

In my last house, my neighbour left her 11yr old in charge of her 9yr old to go on a date. The 9yr old subsequently fell down the stairs whilst 11yr old was sulking on her phone in her room. Thankfully he was fine but only because I happened to be knocking on the door to ask a favour at the exact moment he fell!! Of course I'll be accused of lying about this but I know fine well it happened & won't ever forget it. Including the sound of his little skinny body hitting the stairs & crashing into the front door as I stepped up to the other side of it.
She wasn't prosecuted but as she took him to hospital when she got home & was honest, they of course referred to SS. They investigated & warned her that it was unacceptable and if they investigated anything similar from her in future that her kids would be considered to be In Need. She was also given an NSPCC brochure explaining how to determine when your child/ren is ready to be left alone! I know all this as she told me herself whilst raging!

And people with this logic are free to raise children and pass on their wisdom.

Mally100 · 05/08/2022 09:32

Thatsenoughnow · 05/08/2022 07:51

So the kid refuses to do as he's told. How's she supposed to get him to holiday club? Drag him? Why is the mother not angry with the person who caused all this - her precious son?

His parents have raised a rude brat. Well done them. He's 9, he's not a baby. He's well old enough to understand that the world doesn't revolve around him and sometimes we all have to do things we'd rather not.

Not a chance in hell i would be getting involved in any care of that child again. At all.

Show quote history

It's good that op has put her foot down. Why should she have to be late for work. He was behaving like a brat so that is the consequence.

Staynow · 05/08/2022 09:35

I wouldn't leave a baby or toddler alone for a minute but a 9 year old in bed is going to be fine for half an hour. I mean they manage to go all night alone in their bedroom without hurting themselves so I think it'll be ok.

Blendiful · 05/08/2022 09:40

YANBU
He was home alone for a short time at age 9.

Yes someone could have reported to SS but after a brief chat, they wouldn't have been bothered about this situation and would likely just advise making alternative provisions for it not to happen again, which you already did!

I had a similar situation when I used to take one of my DSC to school, they would run off, not walk, want to walk in the road etc. i felt limited in what I could do, my own child I would have held hand/shirt and insisted they walk next to me, couldn't do that with DSC, so I refused to take them either. DP fine with that and sorted things so he could. Few days later I saw DP having to walk DSC by coat to get them to walk, so he could see what i was having to deal with.

We may be step parents but we shouldn't have to deal with misbehaving when we have limited powers to deal with it. I wouldn't leave my kids in anyones care if I didn't trust them to behave and do as they are told.

frazzledasarock · 05/08/2022 09:49

Cadot · 05/08/2022 07:10

The father thinking it's ok doesn't make it ok.

seriously?

what if the mother thought it was OK?

And how far does this go with OP being able to unilaterally make decisions regarding her stepchild and overruling his parents?
let me guess, only as far as skivvying for the parents and kowtowing to the child’s whims!

this kid needs firm boundaries and consequences he is behaving like a brat.

Cadot · 05/08/2022 10:00

Biological fathers and mothers aren't all perfect or even competent. They can and do make poor judgements, neglect their children, put them at risk, need to be supported by interventions from social services.

The issue here is not being a stepmother, it's leaving a 9 year old unsupervised at home (or anywhere to be honest). I'd be saying that was wrong, unwise and dangerous no matter who had done it.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 10:04

Cadot · 05/08/2022 10:00

Biological fathers and mothers aren't all perfect or even competent. They can and do make poor judgements, neglect their children, put them at risk, need to be supported by interventions from social services.

The issue here is not being a stepmother, it's leaving a 9 year old unsupervised at home (or anywhere to be honest). I'd be saying that was wrong, unwise and dangerous no matter who had done it.

There is no evidence here that the father is in any way neglectful in determining his son is ok on his own for a short time. None.

Cadot · 05/08/2022 10:16

A 9 year old at home alone is at risk. Luckily nothing happened this time, but that doesn't mean that the risk or the situation was acceptable.

Assessing risk means looking at the worst possible scenario, the likelihood of it occurring, mitigations to be put in place.

Before leaving a child of any age alone, at the least you would want a discussion with the child about emergency situations that could arise and what you would do. You'd want to ensure the child was mature enough to follow the instructions and that they felt safe and happy being left. Etc.

OP and Her DP didn't do any of that - she just stormed off in a rage without a thought for the child's well-being.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 10:23

it is not necessarily a risk at all. Not any more meaningfully than everything in life is a risk. Getting out of bed is very risky, statistically. Putting socks on. Crossing a road or getting in a car is statistically more risky than many things. But we do them.

Because risk assessment is nuanced. And not all about the unlikely, worst case scenario.

and the father had left the child alone before. So presumably he’s risk assessed it based on his actual child and done the necessary training already.

Thatsenoughnow · 05/08/2022 10:29

Flakjacketon · 05/08/2022 09:21

With the wisdom of hindsight, perhaps you should have been late for work on this ONE occasion, whilst you waited for your DH to come home. Then refused to be responsible for DSC in the future.

With the wisdom of hindsight, the child should have been told to do as he's damn well told by the person who is supposed to be looking after him.

greatblueheron · 05/08/2022 10:47

MiddleParking · 05/08/2022 06:11

“5 weeks old believe it or not” is the most amazing plot twist I’ve ever seen on mumsnet 😂

Absolutely. It took an awfully long time for her to cough up that she was talking about a newborn baby, not a strapping 9 year old without special needs just a bad attitude.

greatblueheron · 05/08/2022 10:52

Wondering too if the 9 year old has apologised to the OP and whether OP has left it to her husband and his ex to sort him out going forward in the mornings.

GelatoQueen · 05/08/2022 11:17

Don't get why everyone is happy with a 9 year old being left alone for 45-50 minutes (according to the OP). So much could happen in this time. I wouldn't leave my DS who has just turned 9.

GelatoQueen · 05/08/2022 11:20

Sorry 40 mins according to OP (but we don't exactly know how long child was left alone as this is just an estimation)

Original poster
Work1 · 05/08/2022 11:22

GelatoQueen · 05/08/2022 11:17

Don't get why everyone is happy with a 9 year old being left alone for 45-50 minutes (according to the OP). So much could happen in this time. I wouldn't leave my DS who has just turned 9.

Because not everyone agrees with you that it's a problem.

OP posts:
GelatoQueen · 05/08/2022 11:27

I think you have failed in a duty to care for a child here and shown poor judgement. But that's because I've done a lot of safeguarding training. Others obviously don't see the risks

KosherDill · 05/08/2022 11:28

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 10:23

it is not necessarily a risk at all. Not any more meaningfully than everything in life is a risk. Getting out of bed is very risky, statistically. Putting socks on. Crossing a road or getting in a car is statistically more risky than many things. But we do them.

Because risk assessment is nuanced. And not all about the unlikely, worst case scenario.

and the father had left the child alone before. So presumably he’s risk assessed it based on his actual child and done the necessary training already.

Exactly.

What's the difference between him lying in his bed talking to his mum by phone, and lying in bed all night with his father asleep down the hall? House could burn or burglars enter before dad ever woke up.

Unless parents stay conscious and alert 24/7...

KosherDill · 05/08/2022 11:29

Cadot · 05/08/2022 10:16

A 9 year old at home alone is at risk. Luckily nothing happened this time, but that doesn't mean that the risk or the situation was acceptable.

Assessing risk means looking at the worst possible scenario, the likelihood of it occurring, mitigations to be put in place.

Before leaving a child of any age alone, at the least you would want a discussion with the child about emergency situations that could arise and what you would do. You'd want to ensure the child was mature enough to follow the instructions and that they felt safe and happy being left. Etc.

OP and Her DP didn't do any of that - she just stormed off in a rage without a thought for the child's well-being.

At risk of what, exactly?

Cadot · 05/08/2022 11:51

@KosherDill You really can't imagine any emergencies, problems or worries that could arise for a child left alone in a house without any adult?

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