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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
Cadot · 05/08/2022 07:15

Being a stepmother or a biological father, or a teacher, or a sports coach, or a volunteer brownie leader, or a family friend, paid or unpaid, is completely irrelevant. If you've accepted responsibility for a child, and to hand them over to another adult, you DO NOT leave them alone.

Cloud9isnowclosed · 05/08/2022 07:16

MiddleParking · 05/08/2022 06:11

“5 weeks old believe it or not” is the most amazing plot twist I’ve ever seen on mumsnet 😂

This! @ThePumpkinPatch what your ex did was hugely neglectful and I'm glad she was ok, however that is quite the reach your making suggesting equivalence with the OPs scenario

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 07:17

Cadot · 05/08/2022 07:10

The father thinking it's ok doesn't make it ok.

Yes. It absolutely does. He’s the child’s father and these things are up to the discretion of people with parental responsibility.

a 9 year old is not a very young child. Really. The 5 week old was a very young child and one in considerable danger left alone for 2 hours. But a 9 year old can get themselves a drink. This one managed to hound his mum to tell on his stepmum. And it was 30-40 minutes.

Cloud9isnowclosed · 05/08/2022 07:17

gah! "You're" not your

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 07:18

Cadot · 05/08/2022 07:15

Being a stepmother or a biological father, or a teacher, or a sports coach, or a volunteer brownie leader, or a family friend, paid or unpaid, is completely irrelevant. If you've accepted responsibility for a child, and to hand them over to another adult, you DO NOT leave them alone.

The biological father was totally fine with it. He didn’t need her to wait.

It’s like how teachers will let 9 year olds walk home themselves rather than handing them to another adult.

MissMaple82 · 05/08/2022 07:24

But he was left in your responsible hands, you had care of him and you essentially left him at risk. I get thst its nor your responsibility but you could have refused the responsibility of it all together. I think what you did was wrong, and I'd be furious too. You should have rang your work to explain you had a situation and called your husband to come deal - then never agree to the care if the child again. You are the adult, you behaved inappropriately

MissMaple82 · 05/08/2022 07:25

MiddleParking · 04/08/2022 10:59

How can people possibly think OP should face consequences at her work because of the behaviour of someone else’s child who has two parents? What kind of employer or colleague would be okay with that?

There wouldn't be any consequences, shit in life happens!

FurAndFeathers · 05/08/2022 07:28

ThePumpkinPatch · 05/08/2022 02:20

@CallOfTheMild 5 weeks old believe it or not. I was in A&E. He couldn't come with me of course, due to having a newborn and hours & hours in A&E not being ideal for a baby, so he'd stayed at home with her. Next morning he 'assumed' I'd be home soon and buggered off to work, leaving her in her little seat................. She was still feeding every 2 hours at this stage, had reflux(!) & still suffered a little with Colic so was very unhappy to begin with!! She was so so incredibly dehydrated when I found her, poor thing. Any longer and she'd have been gone.
He never saw her again. Kicked him out immediately and called Solicitors.

So yes, wildly different than leaving a 9yr old alone of course. However I remember the Police Officer saying to me that it doesn't make any difference whether they're newborn or 11, whilst yes an 11yr old is distinctly more competent & capable than a baby (obviously), neither can fully protect themselves or make proper balanced & mature decisions about how to protect themselves, from things such as fire or intruders etc.
Too many people seem to think that as soon as their child sounds & acts like a teenager, that they are one!

@ThePumpkinPatch
Your ex left your 5 week old alone for two hours and you think that is EXACTLY the same as the op leaving a 9 year old alone for half an hour?

if you can’t see that those two situations are vastly different in terms of risk or criminality then I don’t think anyone on this thread can help you.

using an entirely different scenario to criticise the OP is unfair and irrelevant

Ducksurprise · 05/08/2022 07:37

Police Officer saying to me that it doesn't make any difference whether they're newborn or 11

Ffs, of course it does. In the UK there are no rules about leaving children alone, only leaving children at risk.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 07:38

Becky6758 · 05/08/2022 07:05

Same!!! I Can’t believe it’s even been brought up!

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It is incredible.

No wonder the poster took so long to actually admit it was a newborn baby. After saying there were no aggravating factors, like being a tiny infant.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 07:41

Ducksurprise · 05/08/2022 07:37

Police Officer saying to me that it doesn't make any difference whether they're newborn or 11

Ffs, of course it does. In the UK there are no rules about leaving children alone, only leaving children at risk.

What you remember a police office saying while you were in a distressed state doesn’t have anything to do with what would actually happen if you’d left an 11 year old for a couple of hours.

even the neighbours example isn’t the same. Because leaving 2 kids alone while you go out for a date (for an evening presumably) isn’t the same as one child spending half an hour in bed waiting for his dad at about 9am.

the specifics matter!

Mally100 · 05/08/2022 07:47

GreenManalishi · 04/08/2022 10:39

I'm just struck with the complete lack of empathy for the 9 year old. Why would you marry someone with children, go on to have your own children, and then draw a line and opt out when their kids aren't "behaving"? They're not a car you never drive that needs servicing. Baffling. They're absolutely and completely aware of how you feel about them. All of the time. Which might help you work out why he's not "behaving" for you.

Because it's not her child?? She probably would be jumped on for discipline the brat and told she isnt their parent but also expected to be a skivvy with no say? You did the right thing OP. Everyone got the message now that you will not be entertaining shit from anyone.

Thatsenoughnow · 05/08/2022 07:51

Sirzy · 04/08/2022 11:55

You agreed to look after the children and get them to holiday club. You can’t just walk out and leave them like you did whatever your role in their life.

saying “I’m not doing it anymore” is one thing but walking out with nothing in place to resolve it is another. I don’t blame them for being angry with you

So the kid refuses to do as he's told. How's she supposed to get him to holiday club? Drag him? Why is the mother not angry with the person who caused all this - her precious son?

His parents have raised a rude brat. Well done them. He's 9, he's not a baby. He's well old enough to understand that the world doesn't revolve around him and sometimes we all have to do things we'd rather not.

Not a chance in hell i would be getting involved in any care of that child again. At all.

MsTSwift · 05/08/2022 07:55

I think it’s quite good occasionally for a child / teen to bump up against a hard boundary. I hosted young Italian teens for years mostly lovely girls. One group of 13 year olds asked if they could smoke in the house (?!)obviously that’s a hard no as my instructions clearly stated. 30 mins later the smell of cigarettes wafts down the stairs….I calmly rang their teacher and kicked them out. They couldn’t believe it! Much outrage weeping and wailing. Don’t think any of them had faced a consequence before! .

Thatsenoughnow · 05/08/2022 08:01

chesirecat99 · 04/08/2022 12:34

That is correct. I was referring to dependent's leave, not parental leave, @frazzledasarock.

Employees are entitled to take a reasonable amount of time off in an emergency/unexpected situation to care for a dependent. The definition of dependent is anyone who relies upon you to help them in the case of emergency. That could be taking a flat mate to A&E or waiting 30mins with a 9YO step child for their DF to arrive so they aren't left home alone.

Show quote history

Someone else's bratty 9yo refusing to get up isn't an emergency. My work would take a very, very dim view of me being late and trying to claim that that's an emergency. If it was me, id have to lie and say he was ill to avoid a disciplinary action of some kind.

Catfordthefifth · 05/08/2022 08:05

ThePumpkinPatch · 04/08/2022 23:19

@Catfordthefifth She was left for 2 hours. He was charged with Neglect of a child. No idea why I'm being doubted as I'm quite happy to upload redacted proof clearly stating the charge

So not 30 minutes and it wasn't the same as you weren't on your way home and aware. How old was she?

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 08:07

Catfordthefifth · 05/08/2022 08:05

So not 30 minutes and it wasn't the same as you weren't on your way home and aware. How old was she?

Show quote history

Oh. Wait til you get to that plot twist!

Catfordthefifth · 05/08/2022 08:11

Oh @CharlieAndTooManyCharacters I just have!! 5 weeks!! Exactly the same as 9 years!! Blimey Blush

Thatsenoughnow · 05/08/2022 08:16

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 13:24

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim

She doesn't have more power than him.
A parenting decision was made on his time. She doesn't get any say in it.

Just a quick reminder that these are supposed to be adults jointly responsible for the care of their joint child here, not contestants on the Jeremy Kyle show. Dad being aggressive and trying to pretend it is reasonable for their child to live two completely separate lives depending in whose house they are in at any given time is hardly conducive to harmony is it. Are you suggesting it is never legitimate for one parent to question the another's parenting choices? Even ifit arguably is unsafe?

However, assuming other people are indeed as immature as you and are in the habit of telling their co-parent to 'shove' their legitimate safety concerns, then I as that mum would not be sending my child to him again unless it was ordered by the court.

Our children should be precious to us, and left in safe, qualified care, not in the care of a stroppy woman-child who flounces off when things aren't going her way just because its free and convenient. Imagine any other childcare provider doing this.

Op's not a childcare provider. If she was she'd be getting paid and she's not. She's taking all this crap for free.

Why is the mother's "parenting choice" the most important one? Arguably, the dad is right. His choice to leave the child alone isn't unsafe. He's left the child alone before and everything's been fine. The house didn't blow up, kid didn't fall down the stairs, or poison himself or all the other mad scenarios that Mumsnet is scared of, so perhaps the mother should follow the dads lead and leave the kid alone. Build some resilience to go with that disrespectful attitude she's nurtured.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 05/08/2022 08:17

Catfordthefifth · 05/08/2022 08:11

Oh @CharlieAndTooManyCharacters I just have!! 5 weeks!! Exactly the same as 9 years!! Blimey Blush

Absolutely.

its exactly the same as if the child had been 11. According to the police. Except, they may well have been commenting on the leaving them tied to a chair to become so dehydrated they nearly died bit.

Of course it’s outrageous neglect to leave a newborn for 2 hours. That’s awful. And must have been terrifying. But just not relevant to this situation.

Original poster
Work1 · 05/08/2022 08:21

Of course it’s outrageous neglect to leave a newborn for 2 hours. That’s awful. And must have been terrifying. But just not relevant to this situation.

Yes its relevance as a comparison in this situation is just completely nil.

PP would have been better opening with her convenient neighbour story.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 05/08/2022 08:26

Work1 · 05/08/2022 08:21

Of course it’s outrageous neglect to leave a newborn for 2 hours. That’s awful. And must have been terrifying. But just not relevant to this situation.

Yes its relevance as a comparison in this situation is just completely nil.

PP would have been better opening with her convenient neighbour story.

That wouldn’t have been as funny, to be fair.

Abra1d1 · 05/08/2022 08:28

Goldbar · 04/08/2022 10:57

You can't leave a child that age alone though. Next time (if there is a next time), tell DSC that either he gets ready or you'll be dropping him at his dad's work in his pyjamas for him to deal with. But don't leave him in the house by himself.

Nine is old enough unless you live somewhere dangerous or have an immature child.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 05/08/2022 08:30

Did someone really just try to frighten/shame op by saying ss and the police will get involved as they did with her DF with a Massive drip feed much later saying her case was with a newborn for all day while she was in a and e😩

Saying that's comparably to leaving 9 year old DSC with parental approval for 20/30mins while his dad was coming to get him.
If there was a emergency he is old enough to use his phone because he called his Dm to complain so isn't silly.

Stuff of MN legends.

Quitelikeit · 05/08/2022 08:31

Sometimes and only sometimes something like this needs to happen in order to effect change.

the child should be told he’s going to be going to bed no later than 8:30pm!

I think that I’d have been shouting (sorry everyone) at said child to get his butt out of the bed.

I certainly would have removed his duvet!!!

I can’t flame the op she really was trying to do everyone a favour in the first place and then bam she reached her limit. It happens sometimes.

I don’t agree that op is a risk to children, or with any of the posts attacking her decision. They just aren’t helpful to her or anyone.

op is the child going to face any consequences for what he did?