Page 20 | Left DSC home alone

Work1 · 2022-08-04T09:24:19+00:00

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest. I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is. Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on... Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work. DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

Yousee · 04/08/2022 18:19

@CallOnMe well, I am hopeful based on the the general behaviour of my 10 year old DSD, whose mother has been leaving home alone while she nips to the shop for at least 2 years now as it happens.
DH is probably a neglectful father for not immediately informing SS. 🥱

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 18:26

BloodAndFire · 04/08/2022 18:16

If you found yourself in charge of a random 9 year old child, or indeed a vulnerable adult, who needed your help (e.g. lost in a shopping centre) you wouldn't be their parent either. But as an adult, you would (hopefully) not just wash your hands of it and walk away.

It's not a step parenting issue, it's a decent human being issue. My son is 8, he's pretty streetwise and mature and would probably be fine left on his own at home. But I don't leave him alone, and would be unbelievably angry and upset if someone else, whose care he was in, chose to do so.

Leave the relationship if you want. Refuse to ever do anything for your step child again if you want. But leaving a 9 year old child alone like this is not ok.

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Bit of shit comparison.

Leaving a child at home in his bed where he’s safe.

a random child you don’t know lost in a supermarket.

not comparable in the slightest!!

Mef82 · 04/08/2022 18:27

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 15:03

@itwasntmetho

This is a kid with too much power.

You say this like it's the child's fault. His parents have failed to coordinate with each other and agree on a parenting approach; he will be having very uneven care experiences in his two homes as a result. He is obviously also far too aware of this discord between his parents regarding him and is playing them off against each other.

This is a child with, as you say, too much power, with parents at odds so there are cracks and insecure boundaries he can manipulate. That is terrifying for a child. Children don't want to be in charge like this, whatever they may seem to be trying to do. The grownups here (all of them!) need to give their heads a wobble, get together and co-operate with one another to parent this kid in a coherent, consistent way. IMO. Although I see it's an unpopular one here, with most people preferring the idea that each parent should do exactly what they see fit in their time and the other parent to all intents and purposes ceases to exist in the interim, the stepparent's role is absolutely nothing, and the 9 year old child can just pivot on a dime every time they move houses and balance the competing boundaries and priorities of both households on his own. And if he doesn't manage this, he's the one who is naughty and manipulative and should be punished.

I'm very glad to read this - some comments on this thread are like a Dickens novel. I don't think OP did anything awful, in terms of actions, but the focus throughout the thread on the 'misbehaving, the 'brat', the 'little bugger', is just depressing. He didn't want to get up, didn't cop on that the situation would escalate, then dad arrived, and he got up and went to camp - not really such a terrible transgression in terms of things a 9 year old can get up to.

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 18:31

Sarbears28 · 04/08/2022 16:51

This is exactly what you should have done, a step child should be the same as a biological child. There is no difference between them in terms of what you would/should do for them. You are a parent to them. I'm with your dh in this. The child is 9. Their emotions are all over! If you couldn't deal with him you should have waited until someone who could turned up, not just left.....speaks alot about your character.

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No. A step parents is not the same as a parent and you are not a parent to them. There’s a huge difference between your own children and a step child. You do not have to treat them the same. ridiculous thing to say.

HumptyDumpty2022 · 04/08/2022 18:32

Not RTFT but you’re absolutely not in the wrong. Not your circus …. The pure hypocrisy of the mothers saying you are wrong when the tables turn you’re not worth the steam off the step kids shit. Blood boils!

RedHelenB · 04/08/2022 18:33

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:38

If it was a similar situation with a babysitter or a childminder

I'm not a babysitter or a childminder, I have my own job to get to and being late because someone else's child refuses to get out of bed doesn't cut it.

True but if it was your own child would you have done the same? You should have made it clear that you weren't prepared to look after him .

tempester28 · 04/08/2022 18:33

Annoying situation but shouldn't have left him

SpidersAreShitheads · 04/08/2022 18:34

Genuinely horrified at the attitude of OP. It absolutely stinks.

No problem at all saying “never again”. Also no problem saying to DH “you come and sort this out right now”.

But choosing to leave a 9yr old at home because you’d be late for work?? Knowing that’s against the mother’s wishes, and the child has never been left alone for that length of time before??????

Actually lost for words that anyone thinks this is ok.

You tell DH you’ll never do it again so you won’t have that issue with work in the future. It’s a one-time only occurrence. What you don’t do is put a child at risk because you’ve got yourself in a temper tantrum.

When you agreed to drop him at the holiday club, you agreed to act as a “babysitter” - I’m using this term because you clearly don’t see yourself as an actual stepmum.

Imagine if you went to pick up your child from after school club and all the adults had left the building and the child was left alone. There would be outrage and it would be a safeguarding issue. This is no different. As the Op confirmed, we aren’t talking about a 9yr old who’s regularly left at home for 30minutes +.

I understand being furious with the situation and refusing to do it ever again but saying “fuck it” and putting a child at risk - your own stepchild - is thoroughly nasty.

And bollocks do you have a good relationship with the child. You’re sneery about them in every comment - poor kid. They deserve much better and you’re patently unsuitable to be a step parent.

SlickShady · 04/08/2022 18:35

I have only read the first page, but I think when you marry someone with a child, that child becomes ours not yours. And it's hard to believe the 'make me' happened out of the blue, so you should have discussed the child's misbehaviour with your husband at an earlier opportunity.

Ontomatopea · 04/08/2022 18:37

SlickShady · 04/08/2022 18:35

I have only read the first page, but I think when you marry someone with a child, that child becomes ours not yours. And it's hard to believe the 'make me' happened out of the blue, so you should have discussed the child's misbehaviour with your husband at an earlier opportunity.

No that's not how it works.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 18:37

Mef82 · 04/08/2022 18:27

I'm very glad to read this - some comments on this thread are like a Dickens novel. I don't think OP did anything awful, in terms of actions, but the focus throughout the thread on the 'misbehaving, the 'brat', the 'little bugger', is just depressing. He didn't want to get up, didn't cop on that the situation would escalate, then dad arrived, and he got up and went to camp - not really such a terrible transgression in terms of things a 9 year old can get up to.

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Dad had to leave work..
That is massive and he is absolutely a brat for this.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 18:38

SpidersAreShitheads · 04/08/2022 18:34

Genuinely horrified at the attitude of OP. It absolutely stinks.

No problem at all saying “never again”. Also no problem saying to DH “you come and sort this out right now”.

But choosing to leave a 9yr old at home because you’d be late for work?? Knowing that’s against the mother’s wishes, and the child has never been left alone for that length of time before??????

Actually lost for words that anyone thinks this is ok.

You tell DH you’ll never do it again so you won’t have that issue with work in the future. It’s a one-time only occurrence. What you don’t do is put a child at risk because you’ve got yourself in a temper tantrum.

When you agreed to drop him at the holiday club, you agreed to act as a “babysitter” - I’m using this term because you clearly don’t see yourself as an actual stepmum.

Imagine if you went to pick up your child from after school club and all the adults had left the building and the child was left alone. There would be outrage and it would be a safeguarding issue. This is no different. As the Op confirmed, we aren’t talking about a 9yr old who’s regularly left at home for 30minutes +.

I understand being furious with the situation and refusing to do it ever again but saying “fuck it” and putting a child at risk - your own stepchild - is thoroughly nasty.

And bollocks do you have a good relationship with the child. You’re sneery about them in every comment - poor kid. They deserve much better and you’re patently unsuitable to be a step parent.

Why should the OP care about the moments wishes? Her hunsad said it was fine to leave him

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 04/08/2022 18:40

The scaremongering, inaccurate/false “laws” information, not to mention the guidance being sprouted as laws on this thread are exceptionally laughable!

U12’s can be left alone, just not for long periods of times!.

That’s the guidance, majority of child social workers wouldn’t even bat an eye at these circumstances, unless there were extenuating circumstances! (Ex child ETD social worker here )

Hope you got it resolved OP and your dh and his ex wife start parenting their child!

Rtmhwales · 04/08/2022 18:42

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2022 18:03

Also there’s a lot of crap about treating your DSC as you would your own children.

my own children I’d bodily haul them out of bed shove them in the car in pjs and march them to the summer camp.
my own kids actually would not dare tell me I couldn’t ‘make them’.

you cannot do the above to somebody else’s kid. You just can’t. And nobody here would if your honest.

TBF I 100% would drag either DSS bodily out the door. We have them 50/50 and I decided early on if we're living together the same amount they live with their mum and with their dad and it impacts me physically, mentally, and financially, I am having a say in how they're parented. I have rules and consequences and treat them the same as my own DS. Dad and I are the same for all three kids across the board. I never understand all the wishy washy comments about having to treat them like your own to their benefit at your expense.

diddl · 04/08/2022 18:42

didn't cop on that the situation would escalate,

Oh come on-he's 9!

He knows that his parents were both at work & Op had to go to work.

WTF did he think would happen?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 04/08/2022 18:47

Lots non step parents making wide sweeping statements about what a step mum should do, how she should feel and having no lived experience and clearly you shouldn't have gotten together with a man with kids and op clearly hates her sc.

🙄 I don't remember being in my marriage view saying I would become unpaid childcare with my DH ex as my boss.
🙄

Usually I say SC and mums being colour to the board but the sheer amount of nastiness on here is just a bit diabolical.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 04/08/2022 19:01

There are often lots of unhelpful comments on this thread! Some helpful ones also.

But for me, as a past SM who was also given way too much responsibility for other people’s kids, OP is completely within her right to say no to the morning run. It’s not working out, the kids are not happy with it either. It’s a lose lose situation. That’s OK OP does not have to be the parent, not her job at all.

However the only thing I think was wrong, was to have passed it up in the moment. That created a bit of an urgent situation and best avoided. I would have dealt with it, told the father that to get home if he could but not gone out until he’d arrived, or stayed home and told both parents that I lost out on work and would now not be doing this again.

Catfordthefifth · 04/08/2022 19:02

SlickShady · 04/08/2022 18:35

I have only read the first page, but I think when you marry someone with a child, that child becomes ours not yours. And it's hard to believe the 'make me' happened out of the blue, so you should have discussed the child's misbehaviour with your husband at an earlier opportunity.

Do you want to tell DHs ex that? If I said her child was "ours" she'd throw a brick at my face (and yes she too was allll too happy for me to babysit on her time too!)

SlickShady · 04/08/2022 19:02

Ontomatopea · 04/08/2022 18:37

No that's not how it works.

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It does for me in my marriage. We each brought in a child (mine's fully with me), and then had children together. They all get the same level of care and love from both of us. (In fact there's a running joke in our family that whenever my SC does well in school or the like, I claim it's my genes.)

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/08/2022 19:02

frazzledasarock · 04/08/2022 18:03

Also there’s a lot of crap about treating your DSC as you would your own children.

my own children I’d bodily haul them out of bed shove them in the car in pjs and march them to the summer camp.
my own kids actually would not dare tell me I couldn’t ‘make them’.

you cannot do the above to somebody else’s kid. You just can’t. And nobody here would if your honest.

THIS ⬆

Lay even a gentle hand on someone else'e child and you are in deep trouble. Plus - a nine year old boy is heavy - and can kick and strike out. You could get into a situation where you drop him and he gets hurt, or where he just lets himself go limp and heavy and you can't shift him at all. You've then lost - and shown him that you can't physically coerce him. This is worse than not engaging in the battle at all.

Would have done exactly the same as the OP.. Like a PP I babysat younger siblings from being very young (8 yrs old) myself.

Refuse to ever do anything for your step child again if you want.

I think this is what OP intends to do (and I don't blame her). And doubtless if she'd known what a pain he was going to be she wouldn't have been looking after him at all - but there has to be a first time, doesn't there?

Catfordthefifth · 04/08/2022 19:07

Also I think lots of mothers on this board would be in got a shock "I'd never let my child be in your care again" "I'd want assurance you weren't there and I'd stop contact"

You'd end up in court and they'd end up with contact restored. The idea that mother's are in charge and have the most important say isn't actually how the law works

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 04/08/2022 19:14

@Emotionalsupportviper your post in spades and spades.

Imagine if op is the anti Christ now what people would be saying if she indeed treated DSC as her own if she had tried to man handle the child out of bed ?

I'm genuinely interesting how that would have gone down with the posters that are saying treat them as your own.

My Dd god love her has been picked up and removed from situations, you all happy with me doing that with DSC as I do my own... or would you be also unhappy with that ?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 04/08/2022 19:18

@SlickShady my DSM and I get on and she would ligitmatly smack me if I said this to her.

Let alone my own DSC who would find that not only awkward but offensive tbh.

Rather like me claiming my niece as my own while both parents are still alive. Little bit insulting all way around tbh and confusing. Step mums aren't the parenting version of a upgrade.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 19:29

It amazes me that all the ‘they become your child’ crowd have missed that this child most clearly is acting on the basis that he is not the OP’s child. He doesn’t want to be (as is common in SC however nice and welcoming their stepmum is). And it’s clear from his parents’ attitudes that she’s not his parent too.

The OP can’t make him do anything and he’ll phone his mum to complain at the first opportunity. Imagine what shit she’d have gotten if she manhandled a 9 year old (not an easy thing to do) into the car in his pyjamas instead of phoning his dad, agreeing that he was now in charge and she could leave. He drove home and sorted his son out.

So now the mum (and OP’s husband) is going to be without any of the childcare support she’s been getting from the OP. All because they haven’t insisted that he treats his stepmum with respect. Which is to say: you reap what you sow.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2022 19:34

RedWingBoots · 04/08/2022 15:23

The OP isn't answerable to the child's mother.

She is only answerable to the child's father who was fine with her leaving his child on his own.

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I agree with your basic premise, but IMHO she's not 'answerable' to either parent. She is answerable only to herself and in this situation her decision was to call the child's father to come home.

'Moving on'...I agree with OP's decision to put the responsibility back onto DSS's parents. If DSS will not listen to her on a consistent basis and respect the fact that she is acting 'under his parent's instructions' then she is well within her rights to stop providing any assistance at all. Doing so doesn't mean she's going to 'blank' the child and act as if he doesn't exist, for Heaven's sake!