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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 15:23

My point is that while it's not optimal, it isn't always the case that kids are suffering. I know children who aren't - they do exist!

No-one thought I was suffering. My parents, including my stepmum (who actually did do her best and try to parent me appropriately, I am actually very close to her now as an adult) think that by and large everything was fine and we were all happy. I was an anxious, lonely, miserable and insecure child and it has stayed with me. I don't tell them that because I don't want to hurt them. I didn't tell them that as a child because I wanted them all to love me.

Not saying you're wrong necessarily just that children who are struggling don't necessarily shout it from the rooftops, don't necessarily seek appropriate help, don't necessarily behave as an adult would in the same situation. And that no matter how well everyone is doing and how happy the kids may seem, it should always be borne in mind that they have undergone an ACE which puts them statistically at a disadvantage from their peers/siblings who haven't suffered that, and this should be considered when dealing with conflicts and issues as it may have a bearing.

RedWingBoots · 04/08/2022 15:23

Pumpcake · 04/08/2022 14:07

Doesn't matter to me what other people do or don't do with nspcc guidelines. OP is upset, OP has had mum moan about child being left unattended. OP could have not had that happen. There was a simple drama free solution and 4 of you don't want to hear it for some reason. Makes me think these defenders don't actually give a shit about the OP.

Show quote history

The OP isn't answerable to the child's mother.

She is only answerable to the child's father who was fine with her leaving his child on his own.

ImAvingOops · 04/08/2022 15:28

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen fair enough. Sorry things were difficult for you Flowers

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2022 15:29

ermagerdabear · 04/08/2022 10:39

you agreed to look after them and you've left a 9 year old alone in the house without supervision. If it was a similar situation with a babysitter or a childminder and they'd left my child alone unsupervised because they were naughty I'd also be horrified

He's 9, not 9 months. I don't blame you, OP. I would probably have done it with my own if they were playing up like that. A babysitter and a childminder also get paid for it. I assume the OP doesn't.

That's your child. You decide.

The OP could have said before that she wasn't going to do it anymore.

You don't leave someone else's child that you agreed to deal with, on their own.

Cameleongirl · 04/08/2022 15:30

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 13:44

@Yousee

OP is not a childcare provider. She left to go to her own work. Who pay her to be there, not pandering to some other woman's child bratty behaviour.

She agreed to take care of a child, ergo at that point she was the carer of that child. She didn't take care of the child.

Hmm, she didn't really agree to "take care" of the child, she agreed to drop him off at holiday club on her way to work. His refusal to get out of bed changed this - he wasn't ill and needing care, he was being difficult. She wasn't unreasonable to expect the parents to remedy the situation.

My DS has occasionally refused to carpool to school with our neighbours, because he was tired/grumpy, and it's up to me/DH to figure out an alternative way to get him to school. It's not my neighbour's responsibility.

And yes, I know this isn't quite the same, but it's the same principle. I think most NT 9 year olds who are lying in bed will be OK alone for 40 minutes in the morning while their Dad drives home.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 15:30

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2022 15:29

That's your child. You decide.

The OP could have said before that she wasn't going to do it anymore.

You don't leave someone else's child that you agreed to deal with, on their own.

Show quote history

You can with the parents permission

10HailMarys · 04/08/2022 15:33

NSPCC doesn't recommend leaving under 12s alone

Nobody ever seems to read that advice properly. The NSPCC does not say you should never leave an under-12 alone. What it actually says that is they don't recommend leaving under 12s alone for long periods. They mean you shouldn't leave them at home all day while you're at work, or that you shouldn't go out in the evening and come back at 4am. They don't mean you can't leave them at home while you pop to the shop for half an hour.

OP, YANBU. You are not a nanny or a childminder and being left alone for 30-40 minutes is not an issue for a nine-year-old. Your partner and his ex need to sort this behaviour with their child. If anyone's going to be late for work because a nine-year-old is behaving like a toddler, it shouldn't be you.

possiblypassable · 04/08/2022 15:33

You were put in a no-win situation, OP. I honestly wouldn't blame you for actively disliking this child. You're left with the responsibility for getting him where he needs to go, he rudely refuses, and... what? What were you supposed to do, since you had to get to work? Bribe him? And if that didn't work? Forcibly drag him to the car? Nothing you could have done would've been right.

I'd refuse to be responsible for him again until his parents impress upon him that he has to do as you ask and treat you with a modicum of respect. You husband needs to take his role as father a bit more seriously, because it sounds like he's failing his child.

Thesunisoutout3 · 04/08/2022 15:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Pumpcake · 04/08/2022 15:40

aSofaNearYou · 04/08/2022 15:02

She already did that too, why are you deciding the arbitrary hindsight line?

Because that decision was the subject of the thread. You're trying to imply people don't care about OP if they don't just say she should have rung him earlier, which makes no difference to the situation because it's too late for that.

None of your pestering me makes a difference either. I'm saying people don't care when they're trying to argue against advice that could help OP in the future. She says she's not doing it again and I'm sure we've all said that about things we end up doing again. I went through OP's posts before I posted, nobody seemed to have thought of just calling earlier. Through OP's reply to me we find out that 9yo is deciding his own wake up time on the days she has to drop him off and get to work. That's ridiculous. All your replies to me have achieved sweet fa. You can get on with your unconditional blowing smoke up stepmums arse approach and leave my practical advice alone now. I haven't attacked OP so there's no reason to defend her from me.

aSofaNearYou · 04/08/2022 15:47

@Pumpcake Bloody hell. Nobody's pestering you, YOU keep making comments about other people clearly not caring about OP, people are defending themselves against you. How odd.

MugginsOverEre · 04/08/2022 15:59

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 04/08/2022 13:57

Bet you wouldn’t left them at home on their own if they were your own flesh and blood 🙄

Plenty of people on here have already said they're more than happy to leave their own 9yo children on home alone, walking home from school or outside playing for half an hour unattended. The only reason I wouldn't have left my own in this situation would be because I would have dragged their badly behaved, rude arses out of bed, given them a good bollocking and dragged them to the sodding club in plenty of time. Something which the OP would not have been able to do, seeing that it is not her child.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/08/2022 16:00

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2022 15:29

That's your child. You decide.

The OP could have said before that she wasn't going to do it anymore.

You don't leave someone else's child that you agreed to deal with, on their own.

Show quote history

She did tell the childs father that's what she planned to do and he was OK with it so......

GoanVolkov · 04/08/2022 16:01

babba2014 · 04/08/2022 11:44

The poor kid. I never ever comment on this board but honestly it's the summer holidays, he probably just wants to be at home. This is not your fault at all by the way. His parents can't work something out between them and the child is suffering. Instead they conveniently leave it to you and blame it on you.
The kid is in the middle of this all. He isn't naughty. I'd hate to go to any summer holiday club at that age. He's obviously feeling the brunt of his parents just fobbing him off to you which is why he stood his ground. Please don't call him naughty.
You've done a lot for him it seems. Here, it's the parents to blame. Not you or the child. He is not naughty and nor are you to blame. Perhaps they should parent themselves and get their child to any club themselves.

Totally agree with this.

LilacPoppy · 04/08/2022 16:02

This reply has been deleted

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Skodacool · 04/08/2022 16:05

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 04/08/2022 10:30

If something had happened to the child when you funked off and left them to it, then as the actual adult, or babysitter the child was left in the care of you would be the one responsible. How did it get this far, had you previously refused to take them?

OP rang DSC’s father. His child, it’s up to him to take responsibility.

itwasntmetho · 04/08/2022 16:09

This reply has been deleted

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Plenty would. It's a normal thing to do.

ElevenSmiles · 04/08/2022 16:09

Surely you knew she would be furious, I didn't get why you were fuming until now, reading your latest posts are you jealous of the influence his ex still has.

ChristinaXYZ · 04/08/2022 16:12

I would not have left the kid alone just because I am an adult and in that situation the only one there. I'd have rung parents to come and take over from me and rung work and said childcare emergency be a bit late.

OP you seem very fixated on not being a paid childminder - so what - I would not have left a neighbour's child, a friend's child, nor any child, in those circumstances. Whilst being 9 is a bit of grey area for leaving for around an hour I would not have left a child without the explicit permission of the parents.

If you came across a child wandering the street would you walk past and go to work? A traffic accident? A elderly lady fallen over? There are often things we have to attend to ahead of getting to work on time (I've had two of those three happen to me). Are your employers so unreasonable for a one off?

Having said that I would still have gone ballistic at the parents and said I can't be put in that situation again. You also need to ask them to look at the wider picture - why does the child think he can refuse to get up or get into the car when asked by an adult who he knows is responsible for him? Does he do that for other adults (worth asking gransparents/day care etc). Because if that's not nipped in the bud he'll be hell by the time he's 14/15.

HandbagAtDawn · 04/08/2022 16:13

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 15:23

My point is that while it's not optimal, it isn't always the case that kids are suffering. I know children who aren't - they do exist!

No-one thought I was suffering. My parents, including my stepmum (who actually did do her best and try to parent me appropriately, I am actually very close to her now as an adult) think that by and large everything was fine and we were all happy. I was an anxious, lonely, miserable and insecure child and it has stayed with me. I don't tell them that because I don't want to hurt them. I didn't tell them that as a child because I wanted them all to love me.

Not saying you're wrong necessarily just that children who are struggling don't necessarily shout it from the rooftops, don't necessarily seek appropriate help, don't necessarily behave as an adult would in the same situation. And that no matter how well everyone is doing and how happy the kids may seem, it should always be borne in mind that they have undergone an ACE which puts them statistically at a disadvantage from their peers/siblings who haven't suffered that, and this should be considered when dealing with conflicts and issues as it may have a bearing.

The thing is, the ACE was the parents divorcing. So I often feel like saying on these kind of threads that instead of telling step mothers they should have known when they married a man with kids, why is it never ‘don’t have kids with someone you don’t want to stay married to’?

Both statements are ludicrous for lack of a crystal ball, but only one of those statements is regularly hurled as an accusation on this board.

Parents get divorced and create distress in their kids lives but somehow the narrative gets twisted into it’s the step mother’s job to make it all better again and if she doesn’t, or can’t, then it’s all her fault.

ChristinaXYZ · 04/08/2022 16:18

GoanVolkov · 04/08/2022 16:01

Totally agree with this.

Show quote history

Of course he is flipping naughty! He is in the care of an adult, knows it and refuses a reasonable request - a 9 year old is old enough to understand treats come for the money earned by adults and adults have to work. Adults are supposed to be the ones in charge you know! It is incredible, eye-wateringly bad stick-two-fingers-up-at-authority behaviour and if you don't recognise it as such - well no wonder behaviour in schools is so bad. And no wonder there's a shortage of childminders and teachers.

billy1966 · 04/08/2022 16:21

OP,

I hope you have learned your lesson.

Leave your wet husband and his ex to it.

Don't involve yourself in their childcare again.

Ever.

UnicornsDoExist · 04/08/2022 16:25

babba2014 · 04/08/2022 11:44

The poor kid. I never ever comment on this board but honestly it's the summer holidays, he probably just wants to be at home. This is not your fault at all by the way. His parents can't work something out between them and the child is suffering. Instead they conveniently leave it to you and blame it on you.
The kid is in the middle of this all. He isn't naughty. I'd hate to go to any summer holiday club at that age. He's obviously feeling the brunt of his parents just fobbing him off to you which is why he stood his ground. Please don't call him naughty.
You've done a lot for him it seems. Here, it's the parents to blame. Not you or the child. He is not naughty and nor are you to blame. Perhaps they should parent themselves and get their child to any club themselves.

Totally agree. I understand the parents need to work, it just must be hard on the child, I’m sure he would like to just stay home sometimes.

CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 04/08/2022 16:29

UnicornsDoExist · 04/08/2022 16:25

Totally agree. I understand the parents need to work, it just must be hard on the child, I’m sure he would like to just stay home sometimes.

Show quote history

Millions of families have to work and put their 9 year olds in holiday clubs. A SAHP or having the school holidays off is a luxury that not everyone has.

can we stop painting children as victims of things like their parents actually working to pay for their lives?

Yousee · 04/08/2022 16:29

My 3 year old sometimes does this. He can't be bothered going to nursery, just wants to stay at home with mummy and daddy, doesn't need us to get him pennies anymore. So he huffs and refuses to get out of bed. I can sort that because I'm his mother and he's small enough for me to pick him up even if he protests.
I'm very hopeful be will have learned how things work by the grand old age of 9 and a bit shocked that expectations are so low for so many 9 year olds, apparently.