Left DSC home alone

[Work1]

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

@ImAvingOops no doubt not at all but much of that will depend on how parents co parents and step parents as well they will all be a big feature obviously in a childs lie
I have several friends that won't move a partner in as their kids are not ready or happy about it ( partner not done anything wrong ) but they know their kids just won't accept another adult at the moment or step parent

I think you did the right thing, I'm a bit confused that people are saying under 12's can't be left.
My childs school lets children leave alone from 8 if they have a letter from parents stating they have agreed the child can walk home, our local swimming pool allows children to swim without parents from 8 as long as they can swim. I'm pretty sure that registered childminders can release an 8 year old to play out with parents written permission.
I'm pretty sure the guidelines refer to extended periods and over nights, like of course you wouldn't pull an 8 hour shift and tell the kid that dinner is in the fridge when he's hungry, but you can go to Tesco or like you did, tell dh to come home because you are leaving now.

I'd be very concerned about the kid reporting on his parents to the other, that is manipulative behaviour and the Mother is undermining the Father by acting on that. If my child called me from his dads to do that then I'd be pissed off with my Son, and if he did that to me reporting me to his Dad then I'd take his phone away. These things are parenting style issues, not mistreatment issues. This is a kid with too much power.

YANBU. You called your DH who is ultimately responsible for the child and told him the situation, as you say its his problem to solve. That is a practical thing to do as far as I am concerned, nothing to do with feelings for the children - not every decision is laden with emotion and likes and dislikes, sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done to make ends meet. Some posters seem a bit immature or fond of hyperbole, suggesting that you obviously dislike them - you obviously needed to make a practical decision in order to arrive at work on time.

I have 2 DSCs and my own DC have a SM. I would have done the same and DSCs know it - likewise I would support my DC's DSM if she did same (fortunately they are old enough to take care of themselves now).
If your DH & DSC's mum wants the stream of free child care and drop offs from you to continue then they should back off and teach their children that they don't get a choice in some things i.e. whether or not adults need to go to work. .

It doesn't matter now
Nothing happened thankfully.
Just make sure you're not in that position again.
The lazy t**s can look after their own kid.
Kid sounds like he's been dragged up.
Make sure your own child doesn't turn out like that as your husband will have a helping hand.

DSS is playing each parent against each other. I hope that when he calls your h that he tells dss that he's allowed to feel it's unfair but to behave the right way. Dss got what he wanted (to stay in bed uninterrupted) so calling his mum to get into trouble is shit stirring for the sake of it. Sounds like dss might have too much power because the parents feel guilty about divorcing. Not a healthy dynamic at all.

I hope your DH and his ex have agreed on a suitable punishment for the kids rude disobedient behaviour he knew would inconvenience you and work on how to prevent this crap from happening again.

For those saying the OP was BU to leave a 9 year old for half an hour to prevent being late for work;be fair here;thé OP shouldn't be putting her job at risk because her SC chose to use the situation where his dad wasn't there to behave like a nasty little turd for his SM;his behaviour was completely out of order.

The OP has the right to step back and let the SC's actually parents do the parenting

I know that it's the summer holidays but it sounds like the parents need a tighter control over bedtime if he's tired in the mornings. Presumably he was woken up at a similar time to school days so shouldn't be so tired (it it was more a "I'd rather stay in bed on my phone" then that's a different problem for the parents )

Well done op and good for you. I agree with all your posts.

You mean three adults who have jobs to go to.
Judging the kids whole life on the morning routine is just silly.

A professional childcare provider would have stayed with a child who refused to move when required and waited until a parent arrived. Then they would immediately sack the family and refuse to work for them any longer because it’s unsafe having a 9 year old child in your care refuse to obey basic instructions like this. Where older children are unable to follow instructions due to SEN the ratios for adult to child care are completely different and carers are trained to physically restrain the kids when needed.

She already did that too, why are you deciding the arbitrary hindsight line?

Because that decision was the subject of the thread. You're trying to imply people don't care about OP if they don't just say she should have rung him earlier, which makes no difference to the situation because it's too late for that.

@itwasntmetho

This is a kid with too much power.

You say this like it's the child's fault. His parents have failed to coordinate with each other and agree on a parenting approach; he will be having very uneven care experiences in his two homes as a result. He is obviously also far too aware of this discord between his parents regarding him and is playing them off against each other.

This is a child with, as you say, too much power, with parents at odds so there are cracks and insecure boundaries he can manipulate. That is terrifying for a child. Children don't want to be in charge like this, whatever they may seem to be trying to do. The grownups here (all of them!) need to give their heads a wobble, get together and co-operate with one another to parent this kid in a coherent, consistent way. IMO. Although I see it's an unpopular one here, with most people preferring the idea that each parent should do exactly what they see fit in their time and the other parent to all intents and purposes ceases to exist in the interim, the stepparent's role is absolutely nothing, and the 9 year old child can just pivot on a dime every time they move houses and balance the competing boundaries and priorities of both households on his own. And if he doesn't manage this, he's the one who is naughty and manipulative and should be punished.

No nine-year year old should be given that amount of 'soft power' anyway, to be able to use a personal phone to 'tell on' the other adults in his or her life. These are loved adults who are instrumental in his life and security.

It's not healthy and needs sensible intervention, not a stupid blame game whereby the OP is where she is now, refusing (understandably) to be involved.

what i want to know is has your dh defended you?

Step mum phones dad, dad agrees with leaving son alone, step mum does as the child's father has agreed to, step mum is horrific.... Sure I can totally see where you came to that conclusion 🙄

I find the best sort of kindling for a witch burning is available through MisogynistsRUs.com.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen , I think the playing off parents against each other is perfectly normal childhood behaviour, where the parents don't have exactly the same rules. Children whose parents are not divorced do it too. Which is why I and my own folks had a rule that if one parent says no, you can't go and ask the other one, as they will uphold the first decision. Obviously that's harder to impose in separate households.

I also don't think that having a step parent is always a negative. Lots of step parents are loving, kind, influences and are positive contributors. A new sibling may or may not be considered good news, but again this is true generally.

Im not arguing that divorce is good for children or that there are no negatives for them. Especially if there's a lot of bad feeling and the parents don't handle it sensitively. And I would agree that too many parents think they have a right to their happiness at the expense of what is best for their children. But that doesn't seem like the case here. The OP sounds pissed off to me, not aggressive or hostile - she's had to deal with a stroppy kid while trying to get herself snd her child ready, been moaned at by the mum and she was just trying to do them all a favour and be helpful. The mum often relies on the OP to take DS to club so this doesn't sound like a hostile set up to me or a step mum who feels hostility. Few divorced people are completely amicable - hence the divorce!

My point is that while it's not optimal, it isn't always the case that kids are suffering. I know children who aren't - they do exist!

Yanbu you were doing them a favour. Don't do anymore.

None of this really has anything to do with OP though. It's all about the parents coparenting.

Ultimately OP signed off her approach today with the boy's dad, so it was his decision as much as hers. It's very little to do with her.

Oh I left Billy at the park - he didn't want to come home and I needed to go to an appointment

Yes that's entirely the same thing, being left in a public place outside possibly far away from home with roads and strangers around compared to being in their bed in their house. Yes totally the same.

Anyway, have you never seen children at the park by themselves? I see plenty of them especially over the school holidays. Are you going round and reporting all their parents?

My husband wasn't pissed off himself but he's a bit wet when it comes to his ex so can now 'see where she is coming from'. Didn't have a problem before she started though. He's just very agreeable when it comes to her because she's vile when she wants to be.

He's not mad at me though and yes he's mad at DSS. They had a brief conversation yesterday but mum picked him up from club. He's due here tomorrow so he's going to sit him down again then.

Plus it's more comparable to the GP calling from the park saying "He's being difficult and I need to go, can you come get him yourself?" and then the Father agreeing and the grandparent leaving as arranged.

This was an interim thing agreed by the father.