Left DSC home alone

[Work1]

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

And at that point, her course of action was to call the child’s parent and agree a course of action. Even if the conversation started with ‘I need to leave, now’, it produced the agreement that it was now her husband’s problem and he was satisfied with his son being left alone while he made his way home to tell him off and make him go to the childcare provision.

There was absolutely no abandoning of a child involved. Even if that child called his mum to claim there was.

The most alarming thing about the whole scenario is that the child is very clearly trying to play his parents off against one another. And his mother is enabling it.

This.

Whether you like it or not you agreed to be responsible for your dsc. You can't literally just walk away because you have had enough.

The responsible thing to have done was to ring your husband tell him to come home. Wait for him, then go to work. This may have made you late on one occasion but it also means that you can have the discussion that you will not be looking after him in the future again.

By doing what you did you potentially endangered your step son, ruined any relationship you may have with him and made the relationship between all parties worse.

Personally I would have waited the 30 mins for your DH to got home, called in late to work but made them aware you had made other arrangements for the future (e.g. you are never doing this again) and that therefore its an isolated incident.

However, as you DH was aware and fine with you leaving his child alone for 30 minutes whatever you thought you should do is irrelevant. The father of the child was okay with this, so if the mother of the child has any issues with that parental decision she needs to take it up with the father. As the child's DH he has the right to make decisions on behalf of his son, and unless actually illegal, she doesn't actually have that much right to complain. Mums decisions don't trump dads decisions automatically.

Tbh from what you say about the child ringing up the other parent to 'report' it sounds like there is some bad parenting going on which is allowing the child to play their parents off against each other and leads to a 9 year old feeling empowered to say 'make me' in this situation.

Yup. Agreed. But I'd say it was also incumbent on the person assuming the role of stepparent (clue is in the name, it's a version of parent) to consider whether they've got what it takes to discharge the role properly. Same as fair enough if I apply for a job it's on the employer to decide if I've got what it takes, but I should probably also have a think about if I will be any good at this job at all - or if I even want the job at all, or am only in it for the company car and have no intention of actually doing the work.

Yes, but not everyone has the same definition of what being a step parent means. To me it just means being married to a parent. To you it means something different, but this is by no means an official definition. So I am perfectly able to do the "job" by my own standards.

Why is it irresponsible? This is a 9 year old child not a toddler. How do you expect children to learn independence, by age 11 they are expected to see themselves independently to and from school, this could involve journeys on public transport, crossing busy roads. How will they be ready for that if they haven't built up to it gradually, starting with being on their own for short periods in the safety of the family home?

You are irresponsible if you don't prepare your child for independence.

There's nothing to indicate the child is incapable of being left alone for half an hour. He rang his mum as he often does to complain, not because he was traumatised! Just as he rings his dad, while with his mum, to complain about her! Sounds like he plays one parent off against another and OP has been caught in the crossfire.

Little bugger was pushing boundaries (as kids do) and got his bluff called. He was likely pissed off, not scared or upset.

For the benefit of a pp upthread, not all children from 'broken homes' are traumatised . Many kids have 2 lovely families and are perfectly happy.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters is dad must be too as OP says he calls from mums to report soon
Both his mum and dad need to get this sorted as it will only get worse

Imagine if a mother-in-law ditched a grandchild because she had places to go and the child wasn't cooperating. Highly doubt so many would be oh so cool with it and say she had no responsibility at all as she wasn't a biological parent.

Oh I left Billy at the park - he didn't want to come home and I needed to go to an appointment. Ciao!

@aSofaNearYou

Yes, but not everyone has the same definition of what being a step parent means. To me it just means being married to a parent. To you it means something different, but this is by no means an official definition. So I am perfectly able to do the "job" by my own standards.

Yup, fair enough. I just know from personal experience it's very hard for kids when their parents separate and you have to live between homes, and even harder when they remarry and you have to live with their choice of partner as well, and harder still when you then have half-siblings who get to live with everything you've lost. To have that partner basically act like they have nothing to do with you, in spite of being married to your dad, mother to your siblings, and living in your home.... hard to see how that isn't going to be very very hard. But yeah, TECHNICALLY worrying about the impact on the kids is their parents' job, not yours. in the same way that while neighbours probably SHOULD report if they suspect child abuse, it's actually the job of the parents not to abuse their kids.

God I’d be furious alright but not with op with my child. Mortifying appalling behaviour. Obviously not been properly brought up.

YABU here. I get its not your child, and I get that you would have been late for work, however you were the responsible adult at that point. If you were early in a relationship and staying with a boyfriend with a child I would understand where you are coming from with the not my child approach, as its not you place or your concern.

However you are now married so you are a parent to the child whether you want to be or not. Its not easy being a step parent you get criticised by everyone regardless what you do, but that's part of the choice you make when you marry someone with children. My boss is also a step parent and she has been late to work due to step child, or called back because step child is ill, needs collecting from school etc. Her and her partner are a team and when its their week with her stepchild they don't call the mother to pick them up, they work together between them, and that could be her, could be him.

OP are you interested in forming a relationship with this child or not?

I'd have left the little bugger too, won't hurt him to be on his own for 40 minutes.

Oh, FFS. The replies defending this poor, poor badly-behaved child being left all alone at home for 30 minutes.

It's much more dangerous to leave a child in a park than in bed at home.

This

Well yes. They are both culpable if they are encouraging this stuff. It’s not good for the child at all.

If my son complained to me about his dad (who is a perfectly good parent, even if he sometimes makes different decisions to me), I certainly wouldn’t support him and intervene. I’d either dismiss it entirely as ‘well these things are up to your dad at his house’ or I’d suggest he talks to his dad about it if he’s got a problem.

I am not the senior parent. My opinions do not trump his father’s. And, even if I were in charge, I certainly wouldn’t be allowing DS to play me off against his father. I’d be trying to address the source of the dysfunction that made him try to use me in that way.

YANBU OP.

I was in a similar situation years ago. Mum and dad were at work and my own job was affected by my having to look after SC. I got a massive blocking from my boss and my client at the time, which was mortifying. Then, about a year later when the company was going through redundancies, it was brought up again as a one of the reasons to make me redundant.

Pulled DH right up when I explained to him that part of the reason I'd been made redundant was because of my picking up the slack for him and his ex was making me late.

But I guess lots of posters on here think it's the price I should be willing to pay for having married someone with children.

She already did that too, why are you deciding the arbitrary hindsight line?

As I said in my OP, I also take him on mum's time too and she drops him off with me before she goes to work.

Imagine mum's tune is going to change very quickly when OP tells her she'll have to be sorting out his delivery to his club in the morning going forward. And rightfully so.

I've been working with 8/9/10 year old children for the last 15 years or so, and I've three teens of my own. Most are perfectly capable of being left home for short periods of time, such as the one described here. Yes, most. Not all. But most.

This is one of those children, hence dad not making a peep, instead just going home to deal with his child's bratty behaviour.

Mum is being ridiculous here, but it's a stick she clearly wants to beat the OP with instead of acknowledging that her ability to deal with her child's poor choices will differ from the OP's options with said child. I've no doubt that she'll regret her gross overreaction when she realises that OP won't be helping her out for the rest of the summer months, though.

you don’t need to put ´behaving’ in quotes. A child refusing to go to a planned holiday club organized by their parents as childcare so that all parents and step parents can go to work is misbehaving.

I agree.

And as for 'read the NSPCC guidelines' - what, those grifters? The same NSPCC who thinks kids can change sex or 'gender identity'? No thanks.

At 9 years old a child can lie in bed for 30 minutes. He was perfectly capable of making a phone call - as he did.

And it would be no more favours from me, precisely because of the unfair work disparity. Mum and Dad have their careers unaffected while OP has hers detrimentally impacted? Nope, desperately unfair.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen its why many people are very careful with who they settle down when they had kids
I know my brother was very wary of who became as such stepmum to his children, but as the parent if your happy with it i guess thats all the matters , but kids will make there own mind up when they are older

Then their parents should have tried harder, or had children with the right people. Or, as the case is usually, they are just better off apart.

But whatever the cause, it’s their parents job to get them through it, not DSP’s. And it’s a moot point in most cases anyway; DSM’s are not allowed to have a say, but are still expected to shoulder the responsibility. Case in point here, DSS has been raised by his parents to think he calls the shots, and DSM is left with the consequences.

@ImAvingOops

For the benefit of a pp upthread, not all children from 'broken homes' are traumatised Hmm. Many kids have 2 lovely families and are perfectly happy.

Separation and divorce is considered to be an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) which correlate with future mental health and other problems. No not every child will be adversely affected in the long run, but it is inevitably a trauma and upheaval, and is a risk factor for long term issues. Adults like to pretend this isn't the case because they want to believe what's best for them is ergo good for everyone else. And certainly it is better for a child to experience parental separation than it is to live in a loveless, unharmonious or abusive home. But that doesn't undo the fact that losing the family unit is an ACE in its own right.

The fact this child's parents clearly do not get along and see eye to eye; the fact his father has remarried and he has recently acquired a step-sibling; the fact his is acting up, playing the parents off each other etc; all these are indicators that he is struggling, with a situation which is acknowledged by experts to be a difficult one.

Do you think the situation described (high levels of aggression and frustration from the OP towards the parents and the child, disagreement between the two parents about what constitutes acceptable care, the child acting as go-between and intervening and provoking disagreements between his parents) sound like a child with 2 lovely families who is perfectly happy?

If not your Pollyanna viewpoint is a bit irrelevant really.

You did what you could in the time available!

what was the other option you forcibly put him in your car? That would’ve been more of an issue. You did the right thing, got his parents to well..parent!