Left DSC home alone

[Work1]

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

So if you think it's a good idea to call earlier in general then why are any of you arguing against my advice of calling earlier. Just let it stand then. If OP changes her mind about dropping off and does it again, there's a simple solution, if there's someone else in a similar situation there's a simple solution.

Like I said this board is just always ready for a fight, so much so that when someone points out you don't have to respect a 9yos made up waking up time and you don't have to argue with a 9yo that isn't yours, you shoot it down to 'defend' OP.

Well I think you did the best under very trying circumstances. 30 min alone for a 9 year old staying in bed when his dad is on the way home is an acceptable risk in my view, and clearly yours too! The parents need to sort this out properly if there are any future shenanigans. I'd also be telling them: kid gets up x time, he refuses, you come home, no questions. Outrageous that you should be late to work when his parents are happily working away, having been on time thanks to you.

Honestly, I'd be angry if someone I trusted to take care of my child left them alone without my agreement...but in this situation I'd have to swallow my anger and accept that my child's other parent had consented to my child being left alone. The mother's reaction to Work1 is neither fair nor appropriate - if she's angry she needs to take it out on her ex, not her bratty child's stepmum.

As a secondary consideration, I'd be absolutely mortified if my 9 year old behaved like that with anyone and they'd be getting short shrift from me.

I am quite interested in what support you're getting from your husband Work1 with regards to this. Has your step son's behaviour been addressed properly and you've been apologised to as an absolute minimum for the situation you were placed in yesterday?

@aSofaNearYou

It's down to DSS's parents to prioritise whether they think having a step parent in their life is detrimental to them.

Yup. Agreed. But I'd say it was also incumbent on the person assuming the role of stepparent (clue is in the name, it's a version of parent) to consider whether they've got what it takes to discharge the role properly. Same as fair enough if I apply for a job it's on the employer to decide if I've got what it takes, but I should probably also have a think about if I will be any good at this job at all - or if I even want the job at all, or am only in it for the company car and have no intention of actually doing the work.

Personally I do fully take care of my DSD when she is in my care and her parents were never together so she doesn't know any different.
It is a bloody hard job being a step parent and I think that's why I am in defence of OP a little bit as she is getting shit on on this thread.
What has happened has happened and in order for it to not happen again, it is right that OP takes a step back and lets the parents sort out driving their DS to clubs.

Imagine any other childcare provider doing this

Then pay a professional childcare provider. I'm not a paid babysitter thank you.

It shouldn’t matter if you’re paid or not.
If you’re responsible for a child, you’re responsible for the child.

I’d be raging if my DD went to a sleep over at 9 and the parent had left her alone.

My DD would get in trouble for being difficult but I’d expect the adult to act like an adult and not a 9 year old.

When one of my students taxi’s don’t turn up I don’t just go home and leave them there because I’ve stopped being paid.

OP did you by any chance post about your DSC and their mum before? Honestly in this case, suck it up. You should have stayed until your DH got back home. No one gets sacked for being late once if their kid or even step kid is unwell etc. After that never look after them. However, if I was your DH - you'd be out of the door

I get he doesn't want to go to the club, but frankly 'tough shit'. His parents & you have to WORK to provide for him, it's not like you're all off on holiday without him

I agree with this. This child seems under the mistaken impression that he calls the shots. While I don't think the OP was right to leave him, this is clearly something his parents need to sort out. Starting with 'you don't have to like it, you just have to do it.' End of.

Genuinely what would you have liked her to do then? Miss work? Be late? Yes she could've called dad sooner but from her replies in this thread, there wasn't time to do it sooner.

YANBU sounds like your DSC has useless parents. There is only so much you can do as a stepmother and your DSC knows this.

I am quite surprised so many are perfectly fine with a 9 year old being left at home alone indefintely while parents go to work. Op had no way to know if or when her hsuband could get to the child. Seems in other threads, people don't think 9 is old enough to stay home alone, but this thread it seems the majority don't think a 9 year old needs any supervision or a responsible adult present.

At the end of the day, OP had duty of care until another adult takes over that responsibility. If something had happened, it would be on OP. Up to her DH to decide whether or not he is okay with a spouse who would leave the children home alone if they don't cooperate when she needs to go somewhere.

I think many on here would be pretty pissed with their DH if DH was responsible for getting kid to camp and DH just drove off to work and left kid at home because he didn't want to go to camp. Although now that so many are fine with 9 year olds home alone indefinitely, many most woudn't care and tell DH that they made a goood call to just ditch the kid and head to work.

It was irresponsible to leave a child of 9 home alone, regardless of how bad the behaviour. Shit happens. You were the adult in charge at that point in time. You should have stayed until the Dad returned.

I am quite surprised so many are perfectly fine with a 9 year old being left at home alone indefinitely while parents go to work

On most threads a great many wont leave their 9 year olds home alone for 5 minutes or even out to play.

@I6344 if it was my child called earlier , that was possible realistically or waited until dh was home, yes she would of been late for work but shit happens
I have been late for work taking a cat to the vets that wasn't mine that had been hit
Because i wouldn't of left mine at 9
If the mum does leave him alone then I would say she cannot be furious

I agree with OP that going forward I would not take responsibility for taking him to clubs etc before work as he cannot be trusted to do as he is told
I only left mine with people who I trusted though

DH took over when OP rang him. He didn't tell OP to get back in the house, he agreed to come home. He has left dss before to go to the shop. This wasn't a frightened child being bullied and abused by his evil step mum, he wasn't crying and asking OP not to leave him. He was acting very defiantly and OP dealt with it as best she could. Like I said, I'm a SW and would have no further actioned this if a report came through.

I bet the kid led in bed on youtube in delight thinking he had gotten step mum into trouble.

@I6344

It is a bloody hard job being a step parent and I think that's why I am in defence of OP a little bit as she is getting shit on on this thread.

It is a bloody hard job. And yeah, maybe the parents were asking too much and taking the piss. But what the OP did was not OK. That's why she's getting shit. Because she said she'd look after the child and then left him alone.

Doesn't matter to me what other people do or don't do with nspcc guidelines. OP is upset, OP has had mum moan about child being left unattended. OP could have not had that happen. There was a simple drama free solution and 4 of you don't want to hear it for some reason. Makes me think these defenders don't actually give a shit about the OP.

Oh come off it. It's just not overly useful advice in hindsight. Yes she could have rung immediately but she didn't. She's not looking after him going forward so it's not even useful going forward.

The question is about what she should have done when it was too late, at the point she was due to leave.

Fwiw op I think you did the right thing. And if a 9 y/o can't cope on their own for 30/40 minutes there's something wrong (assuming no additional needs).

I am quite surprised so many are perfectly fine with a 9 year old being left at home alone indefintely while parents go to work. Op had no way to know if or when her hsuband could get to the child.

Yes she did, she'd spoken to him on the phone and they'd agreed she would leave and he would come home.

I don't believe this. I've worked with these services and there would have to be additional needs /more to it for social services to involve themselves about a 10 year old being left on their own for 30 minutes. There has to be a risk to the child and a normally developing 9 year old left in a safe family home for 30 mins with access to means to contact family members is not particularly at risk.

Social services are not accountable to NSPCC and NSPCC are not law or policy makers they are a charity. They offer guidance to help those unsure. Lots of people are confident that at age 9/10 their child is fine to be left for this length of time and that's absolutely fine, there's no law that states an age.

Absolutely baffled that my post has been removed. I wasn't abusive to anybody at all.

It's a shame that you couldn't have waited until his dad got back.

Has either parent looked at altering their hours so that they can take him?

Or just let you do it Op?

It’s a nightmare tightrope as an SM. I’ve been in similar situations where there is an issue fundamentally caused by the DSC’s behaviour, but the usual bunfight between SM, DF and DM ensues, with the actual offending behaviour of the DSC conveniently forgotten and unaddressed; and thus the cycle continues. It’s very frustrating when it’s not behaviour you would tolerate in your own DC.

A child who most probably did not seriously believe the OP would walk out on him

He knows better now, though, doesn't he?

If OP is good enough to offer to have him stay again, or drop him off again on his mum's behalf, he will know better than to call her bluff.

Like any kid, he pushes boundaries. He now knows EXACTLY where the line is.

If my DS did this he’d be in massive trouble. He’s not a 4 year old, for crying out loud, he probably loved every minute of it. The boy’s mum needs to be apologising to OP.