Left DSC home alone

[Work1]

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

The really bizarre word in the above statement is any other.

Really bizarre because sm aren't childcare or any other type.

How timid are your 9 year old's that they'd be terrified of being in their own house for half an hour?

You and a lot of other posters seem to harbouring under the false assumption that OP should crave the mother's approval and be devastated by the loss of her permission to look after her kids. I would see this as a bonus personally, I'd have no desire to impress her OR be called upon for childcare. Quite a weak stick to beat OP with.

Isn't the issue that DSC isn't OP's child so she couldn't use the same method as she would her own e.g. withdrawing privileges ?

@Goldbar

I've found that very few children, however recalcitrant, can withstand a simple instruction uttered loudly in their face over and over again - 'Get in the car'. 'Get in the car now'. 'Get in the car'. Eventually, most of them break.

Well that's fucking chilling I must say.

Why are you defending OP's choice to spend more of her precious time on this shit show. Can you really not see how none of this would have happened if the phone call had been 45 mins earlier?

He gets up half an hour before we leave (his choice, if I wake him earlier than that he just lies in bed anyway).

I have other shit to be doing myself, getting my own child up and ready (toddler so can't do it themselves), getting ready myself etc.. I don't have 45 mins to keep going back and forth to check on him all the time, making sure he's doing what he's told and ringing his dad every 5 mins to tell on him.

I told him after asking multiple times for him to get up and dressed and finally being told to 'make him' that if he didn't get up I would be going without him in 10 mins and contacting his dad and he could explain to him why I'd had to do that.

This is the crux of it really. This applies even to the OP's huffing "well I'll never look after him again so that's that sorted!" I mean how practical is that in a family situation with other similar age children that the OP does look after? It's exclusionary and ridiculous and will not give this child what he so desperately needs and hasn't thus far been given - a stable home environment.

Perfectly practical thanks, it works for a great many of us! Lying down and taking "getting it in the neck" from the SC and/or their parents is of no interest to many step parents, we're not auditioning to be carers of "traumatised" (broad assumption) children, we're simply in a relationship with their parent while they crack on with raising them.

Parallel parenting is a very constructive and recognised form of child rearing when the relationship between parents vreaks down.

It may be the best way to deal with a bad situation. But responsible adults (in the absence of abusive behaviour) shouldn't allow the relationship to 'break down'. They should do the painful work of reaching an agreement about what is acceptable parenting. Because that's what adults with their child's best interests at heart do.

@aSofaNearYou its not to do with being timid its various things and each child will be different
Read the NSPCC guidelines they don't recommend it either for the majority of kids, they are professionals but obviously randoms on mumsnet know better

You are in the right OP, my kid would be getting in the car one way or another, but you don't have that luxury with other people's children. The parents and child owe you an apology as they didn't appreciate you were doing them a favour. Maybe less favours and let them work out their own childcare.

I don't blame you at all, OP.

He's 9, not 5.

He's learnt that you won't be messed around. Good lesson, in my opinion.

"well I'll never look after him again so that's that sorted!" I mean how practical is that in a family situation with other similar age children that the OP does look after? It's exclusionary and ridiculous and will not give this child what he so desperately needs and hasn't thus far been given - a stable home environment.

Teach your child to behave properly rather than excusing piss poor behaviour and maybe I'd be willing to do so. But, practical or not, why on earth would I be willing to look after a child who's been shown by his parents that it's acceptable to disrespect and ignore me? Step parent or not, you cannot expect someone to carry on being willing to take care of your child if that's how you deal with their shitty behaviour.

@Yousee

OP is not a childcare provider. She left to go to her own work. Who pay her to be there, not pandering to some other woman's child bratty behaviour.

She agreed to take care of a child, ergo at that point she was the carer of that child. She didn't take care of the child.

If my partner was with me because they needed me for childcare they would not be with me anymore, I'd have no interest in their forgiveness.

@aSofaNearYou but you do have to work together still as your the adults
The kids have zero choice in what happens
I know no step parent or parent with a dp as a step parent who feels like this and doesn't work together

@Work1 when you called your DH, would you say that he was in agreement that you should leave knowing that his son would be on his own til he got back? And entirely aware that he was in charge as an adult with parental responsibility?

He didn’t, for example, tell you that you must stay because his poor 9 year old couldn’t possibly be on his own until he got there? (because some people seem to think that you and your DH won’t have actually worked together here).

Exactly "I don't have 45 mins to keep going back and forth to check on him all the time, making sure he's doing what he's told and ringing his dad every 5 mins to tell on him."

Then don't, call dad earlier and tell him you're not doing it.

Instead of doing this shit:
"I told him after asking multiple times for him to get up and dressed and finally being told to 'make him' that if he didn't get up I would be going without him in 10 mins"

You should have made one quick call at the first refusal: your kid is refusing to go, I don't have time to argue with him, I'm leaving in half an hour.

@aSofaNearYou they are not just with you for childcare but obviously many work together to make it work and the OP ip until now had obviously agreed to do drop off and childcare so took on that responsibility

Well, pp have been asking how the OP could have handled the situation without resorting to physical force.

Sometimes you need children to do as they're told and there isn't time to endlessly cajole and explain.

I've seldom had to do this with my own DC but it's always worked.

OP has clearly said he got what he wanted and was not scared. The blanket assumption by that poster that all 9 year old's would be terrified is just silly.

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

I like your username 😁

I don't think you'll be able to repair the relationship, with the boy or with his mum. As with PP I'd have to have assurances from his dad that you would never, ever have care or responsibility for him again if he was my son - and that sort of makes a mockery of your family life, doesn't it, if you can't look after one of the kids in your family?

I mean if one of my kids acted like this to any adult. I would be thinking my child was making a mockery of my parenting, for however many years I had spent raising him. The child's bad behaviour wouldn't be a reflection on my parenting skills as a sm.

Judgement can go both ways and personally if someone held that attitude with me as a mum I would be judging right back. That's assuming op cares about mum having a paddy given what's out here I certainly wouldn't.

But I'm sure op would be very grateful to not be treated like unpaid childcare by mum as mum isn't her boss in OPs house. So mum will have to pick up the slack.

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you and all that.

@Work1

Then pay a professional childcare provider. I'm not a paid babysitter thank you.

But you did agree to look after the child. I don't suppose this was understood to mean "I'll take care of him unless he annoys me, if he does that I'll leave him to fend for himself." In the same way that i doubt when your partner made the arrangement with holiday club to look after them, he assumed they meant 'unless he misbehaves in which case we'll chuck him out of the setting - but don't worry we'll call you so you can come and collect him off the street."

YANBU. Let the parents deal with him in future.

Not sure what the big issue is with him being alone for 40mins... my DC walked home alone from school that age

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters well as they didn't say in the OP and they never answered when I asked them direct we don't know for sure do we
Originally it said they told him they were leaving and he needed to come home, not called and discussed

@pitchforksandflamethrowers how is mum relying on OP its dad that is , he is on dads contact time

@Pumpcake OP said he gets up half an hour before they need to leave. So given his dad was half an hour away, there was no way of contacting him before needing to leave him alone. And obviously you would try for at least a few minutes before giving up.