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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Left DSC home alone

775 replies

Work1 · 04/08/2022 10:24

This happened yesterday but I'm still fuming about it to be honest.

I was due in work at 9am, husband starts at 7am so I've been dropping DSC at their holiday club on my way to work a few times when they've been at ours and we've had to go into work. They don't particularly like going but it is what it is.

Anyway yesterday morning DSC (9) was in a foul mood, refusing to get up, point blank refusing to go to club, saying 'make me', saying they were too tired and so on...

Anyway, it got to the point where I was going to be seriously late for work and I had to drop our child off too so I just fucked off and left. I rang DH and told him he'd need to come home from work and deal with it and I left and went to work.

DSC rang his mum and she's furious he was left alone but I am passed caring. They will now need to sort holiday clubs out or time off themselves as I won't be helping with it again (she's dropped them off with me beforehand too to take them to clubs as she starts work earlier than me). No way was I being late for work because of a 9 year olds tantrum and I wasn't dragging him out to the car either. Instead of being furious with me how about being cross with your child for being so naughty?!

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 04/08/2022 13:27

You were wrong to leave them alone and phoning work saying you’re going to be late is one of the downsides of being responsible for a child.

But you are not wrong to decide that you don’t want to take them to the holiday club anymore and their dad will have to sort it out with his work or pay a nanny or something in future.

What would you have done if your child refused to get in the car?

TheOrigRights · 04/08/2022 13:27

What would you have done if it had been your own child?
Saying it would never happen doesn't count - you just don't know.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 13:27

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 13:24

@Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim

She doesn't have more power than him.
A parenting decision was made on his time. She doesn't get any say in it.

Just a quick reminder that these are supposed to be adults jointly responsible for the care of their joint child here, not contestants on the Jeremy Kyle show. Dad being aggressive and trying to pretend it is reasonable for their child to live two completely separate lives depending in whose house they are in at any given time is hardly conducive to harmony is it. Are you suggesting it is never legitimate for one parent to question the another's parenting choices? Even ifit arguably is unsafe?

However, assuming other people are indeed as immature as you and are in the habit of telling their co-parent to 'shove' their legitimate safety concerns, then I as that mum would not be sending my child to him again unless it was ordered by the court.

Our children should be precious to us, and left in safe, qualified care, not in the care of a stroppy woman-child who flounces off when things aren't going her way just because its free and convenient. Imagine any other childcare provider doing this.

Parallel parenting is a very constructive and recognised form of child rearing when the relationship between parents vreaks down.

Posters suggesting that the mother has the ability to dictate of withhold access is laughable and where I would start telling her to shove it

She has no say in what went on.
The OP did not flounce. She left for work at the designated time to her planned destination s

Our children are precious to us and so we should instill correct moralls and discipline to ensure their behaviour and conduct is appropriate in our absence

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 13:29

Just to add, poster's keep insisting I left an 'upset' child at home. He wasn't upset. He was in bed pretending to still be asleep. He wasn't crying, he wasn't having a meltdown, he wasn't traumatised. He got exactly what he wanted actually which was to be left alone in bed. Well until his dad got back and he was in trouble.

OP posts:
Yousee · 04/08/2022 13:29

Our children should be precious to us, and left in safe, qualified care, not in the care of a stroppy woman-child who flounces off when things aren't going her way just because its free and convenient. Imagine any other childcare provider doing this
The cheek of this comment!
OP is not a childcare provider. She left to go to her own work. Who pay her to be there, not pandering to some other woman's child bratty behaviour.

Poppyblush · 04/08/2022 13:29

Did his dad make him go to club?

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 13:30

TheOrigRights · 04/08/2022 13:27

What would you have done if it had been your own child?
Saying it would never happen doesn't count - you just don't know.

Personally grab them by their clothes rip them from their bed tell them their choices are to leave of their own free will in clothing of their choice or get dragged there in the clothes they are wearing.

TheGreatATuin · 04/08/2022 13:31

Half an hour at home for a nine year old with a means of contacting adults isn't such a big deal, but a nine year old point blank refusing to get out of bed is a big deal.
They're not five. More than old enough to know that its extremely selfish to make everyone else late in the morning. If my DC had done that at nine, he'd know he'd be in serious trouble.

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 13:32

TheOrigRights · 04/08/2022 13:27

What would you have done if it had been your own child?
Saying it would never happen doesn't count - you just don't know.

If it was a case of get to work on time and leave them for half an hour whilst their dad gets home I'd have left them.

But as is always the case on this subject, what I'd be able to do with my own child is very different. With my own child I'd likely have a better ability to get them to behave, I have more authority over my own child than the child of someone else.

Asking what someone would do with their own child is often irrelevant because the two situations are rarely comparable.

OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:32

@Work1 so when did he ring his mum then ? After the event or whilst he was in bed still after you left

I6344 · 04/08/2022 13:32

OP refuse to do absolutely anything with DSC in future. See how quickly mum changes her tune.
Step parents are not baby sitters and chauffeurs to other peoples children. If you want us to treat your children the same as we would our own, then you can't be annoyed when we do something you wouldn't have done.

Merrygoroundtoo · 04/08/2022 13:33

Yanbu, unless there are known reasons, it should be perfectly safe to leave a 9 year old alone in bed for half an hour!
Trying to drag the child out to the car would probably have been worse for everyone and it sounds like OP would have been told off for doing that as well.
By the time my DSC was 10 they were almost as heavy as me and I wouldn't have been able to physically make them go anywhere anyway!
Definitely one for the parents to sort out

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 13:33

Imagine any other childcare provider doing this

Then pay a professional childcare provider. I'm not a paid babysitter thank you.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 04/08/2022 13:33

Macaroni1924 · 04/08/2022 13:23

At the end of the day you are the adult and were responsible for a child in your care. You have the right to be pissed off however if you stormed off to work leaving my child alone I would not be letting them be anywhere near you again. This is your partners child, you knew this getting into a relationship and I’m sure he expects you to treat his child with love and respect. Should the child do the same, absolutely, but you are also a role model here. If this was a first time occurrence you should have waited until your DH returned and called work stating a family problem and be in asap. If it wasn’t you should have called your DH sooner so that he was back in time for your work. Leaving a 9 year old home alone because you have popped to the shops is a far cry from this situation. No matter how much you have the right to be pissed off you are in the wrong here. As a mother id be so angry with you it would overshadow my child’s behaviour and as a partner I would look at you differently for treating my child that way.

How is leaving them to pop to the shops significantly different? It would take about the same amount of time.

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 13:33

I6344 · 04/08/2022 13:32

OP refuse to do absolutely anything with DSC in future. See how quickly mum changes her tune.
Step parents are not baby sitters and chauffeurs to other peoples children. If you want us to treat your children the same as we would our own, then you can't be annoyed when we do something you wouldn't have done.

Honestly knowing her I give it a week before she's asking for my help again because she's got her own work to be getting to. The answer will be a resounding no.

OP posts:
worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:34

@I6344 she already has but the mum has the right to be annoyed as well its her child
In one breath people say the mum cannot dictate what happens at the dads house , so its not mum who is expecting the OP to babysit its the dad as this is obviously on his contact
It says the mum is furious doesn't state if that is with just OP or both or just at the dad
But the mum also has every right to be cross

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 13:34

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:32

@Work1 so when did he ring his mum then ? After the event or whilst he was in bed still after you left

After I left. It's not unusual for him to ring his mum or his dad when he's at hers to 'report' things.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 04/08/2022 13:34

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 13:30

Personally grab them by their clothes rip them from their bed tell them their choices are to leave of their own free will in clothing of their choice or get dragged there in the clothes they are wearing.

Show quote history

Yes, something like this. Draw the curtains, remove the duvet and haul them out of bed.

Though I'd hope it wouldn't get to that stage. I've found that very few children, however recalcitrant, can withstand a simple instruction uttered loudly in their face over and over again - 'Get in the car'. 'Get in the car now'. 'Get in the car'. Eventually, most of them break.

Lobelia123 · 04/08/2022 13:35

You don't sound like a monster to me. You sound like someone who's being taken advantage of and who has reached the end of their tether trying to juggle work, responsibilities, stepchildren, navigating the tightrope of the relationship of blended families etc. You sound like a bit of gratitude and acknowledgement for everything you do to accommodate your partner and his ex, and maybe a bit of consideration, would go a long way. If I were you I would absolutely agree with the parents that you are no longer fit to run around being their chauffeur and childcare. Step back and let them sort it out in the way they think best. Amazing how those high standards will bend when it inconvemiences them. The only thing I would insist on is that the SC must face some consequences for this bad behaviour and must treat you with respect as a human being and not as a skivvy.

Original poster
Work1 · 04/08/2022 13:35

Poppyblush · 04/08/2022 13:29

Did his dad make him go to club?

Yes.

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 04/08/2022 13:35

If my partner left my child alone I couldn’t forgive him.

I guess he needs you for childcare though.

Pumpcake · 04/08/2022 13:36

Becky6758 · 04/08/2022 13:24

She has other kids to attend too…. She didn’t have to do it earlier.

Show quote history

That's not an excuse obviously, it takes the same amount of time to tell the dad you're leaving. If you do it at the right time, it's fine, if you leave it until the last minute it's not fine. Instead of wasting time arguing with the child for longer just phone the dad and attend to your other children, leave difficult child in bed for dad to deal with.

Why are you defending OP's choice to spend more of her precious time on this shit show. Can you really not see how none of this would have happened if the phone call had been 45 mins earlier?

Does every shitty choice made by a step mum have to be defended just because stepmum vs first wives? Or can we not just say a simple practical solution would have been to quit at a more appropriate time? Stepmum doesn't have to deal with difficult kid, stepmum gives her own kids more attention, dad can deal with situation more quickly, mum isn't upset her child has been left alone, step kid isn't manhandled, stepmum isn't late for work, stepmum isn't stressed by a 45 minute battle and arrives at work in a better frame of mind, step kids mum isn't having a go.

Why do you want all those bad things to happen becky? Why don't you want stepmums to have an easier life? Do you just enjoy getting angry over nothing?

user1473878824 · 04/08/2022 13:37

“Someone else’s child” is also YOUR step child. I’m horrified by this and I am a step parent. It can be massively shit and difficult and thankless but YOU are the adult who chose to have this child in your life. Christ.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 04/08/2022 13:37

If you’ve taken up with a man with DC, you accept them as a complete package. You can’t just wash your hands of any involvement when the going gets tough and say NOT MY CHILD, NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Well, you can, but your relationship probably won’t survive!

This is the crux of it really. This applies even to the OP's huffing "well I'll never look after him again so that's that sorted!" I mean how practical is that in a family situation with other similar age children that the OP does look after? It's exclusionary and ridiculous and will not give this child what he so desperately needs and hasn't thus far been given - a stable home environment.

And yes fine maybe the OP would have had the resort to discipline her own children if they were likewise badly behaved (or to parent them in such a way that they don't do it in the first place) in a way she can't with a SC; but this is the whole point, being a step parent is HARD, much harder than being a parent, so why do people do it so thoughtlessly just because they fancy the kid's dad?

Unless you are prepared to deal with the sometimes unloveable behaviour of the traumatised, disregulated children of broken homes with selfless compassion and love, whilst observing their other parent's boundaries, and accept the fact that you'll probably get it in the neck sometimes from one or all other parties, fairly or unfairly - well frankly you're probably not cut out for what is the most incredibly difficult tightrope to walk.

Fortunately, there are plenty of men out there who DON'T already have children from a previous relationship, so why not take up with them instead if you're not cut out to be a stepparent (who actually parents)? It's not like he hid his existing child down the back of the sofa and then went "TADAAAA!" once you had a ring on your finger and a baby in your belly is it.

The idea you can be married to and have children with someone with existing young children and just sort of act like they're nothing to do with you - while they live in your house and are siblings to your children - is... just stupid. Immature and stupid. And irresponsible.

worriedatthistime · 04/08/2022 13:38

@Work1 sounds like you have bigger issues with your stepchild then if he is always ringing and his mum and dad aren't on the same page
That said I would still not be happy if my 9 year old had been left but at my ex more so , you asked for opinions and that would be mine as I would never of left mine home alone at that age .
But if mum does also leave him then that would make being cross irrlevant

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