Step daughter as bridesmaid

[weddingissues99]

Hi,

Just after a little advice really as I'm not sure if I'm being a bit of a cow.

Getting married in Dec to DP. I'll try and keep as vague as possible as DSD is on Mumsnet also.

I didn't really want a harem of bridesmaids, simply my oldest friend to be MOH and two nieces (both under 8) to be little bridesmaids/flower girls. We are also trying to keep costs low and the flower girls will just have quite basic childrens dresses.

DP sort of assumed today that I will be asking his DD to be a bridesmaid and if I'm honest I'm very thrown by it, she's an adult herself with her own children but quite princess like and I know it will throw off the balance on the day getting ready and leading up to it (MOH is extremely relaxed and happy to wear whatever - likely an ASOS dress under £50).

I'm sort of hoping I ask and she doesn't fancy it? Is this normal to expect a grown up step child to do? I sort of thought it was the "brides side" who would be in the bridal party or am I just being a bit nasty?

I think it would be a lovely thing to do as marriage is (IMO) about joining families as well as the couple. I had DH’s sisters as my bridesmaids as well as two of my closest friends even though they probably wouldn’t have been my number one choice, but for me it was about making the effort for him.

Your wedding, your choice

Does she have a daughter you could ask? If you’ve got 3 one more isn’t a lot but you don’t sound like you’re close to her and an adult step child is different to a child. I have DSD as mine but she was young and desperately excited and she was the only one I wanted, it was a tiny wedding.

It’s up to you obviously, you wouldn’t dictate who he has in his party, but it’s interesting you’re on such different pages.

I was a bridesmaid for my dads second wedding, but I was about 6!

Tbh I wouldn't do it now in my 20s if asked.

If you don't want her as one, don't ask her - if your soon to be DH wants her involved, he can involve her on his side imo.

What other children do you each have and what roles do they have?
I think I'd expect adult children to be involved but not necessarily bridesmaids (perhaps doing a reading or being a witness). I would expect any grandchildren (so your DSD's children) to be bridesmaids/page boys if under 10 or so.
Surely it would be a bit odd if your DSD just turns up along with all of the other guests

I was an adult bridesmaid at my dad and step mum’s wedding too, SM only asked my sister and me and dad had my brothers as groomsmen. It was her idea I think, not sure dad would have thought they were having bridesmaids etc at all. I was happy to do it because they wanted us to but hadn’t expected it at all and would have been at least as happy to be a guest.

I would try to involve her children if you can eg bridesmaid, flower girl, page boy or something.

It would be nice to have the grandchildren if they are old enough.

Stepdaughter could be included in the grooms party (witness or usher)

None of my siblings was a bridesmaid at either of my parents second marriages (all of us over 20 at the time) My Dad did have the grand children as bridesmaids, my Mum didn’t, she choose to have none of us even attend (neither his children or us) but that was their choice as much as it did hurt at the time.

It seems a bit mean bit to ask her. I'd imagine people might think you are trying to snub her.
What about getting her to do a reading or something like that?

I have a DS, he hasn't got a role in the wedding, but would probably get ready with me and just sit down in the church before the ceremony alongside my mother etc. he's a child but not young enough to want to be a page boy or anything.

The grandchildren are babies, so wouldn't have a role either, I'd just assumed she would go to the church with her partner and the babies, or if they wanted to they could join DP before the ceremony and go up with them.

I obviously don't want to hurt anyones feelings or cause tension I just know it will completely change the vibe getting ready on the day and add to the tensions before hand having to consult her on things.

This would be much easier if you were having no bridesmaids tbh.

As it is I think you’re going to have to respect your new husbands family by asking her. Imagine what relations will be like long term if you don’t

Could she do a reading? At least be included in some way.

Dh was best man at a wedding and I was given a corsage to denote being part of the wedding party. It was the groom's Mum who suggested that, so that husbands and wives were all decorated with a simple button hole or corsage. It was really lovely.

Bin the adult MOH and just have the flower girls, them it's a blanket 'no adult bridesmaids' thing, not her specifically. Your MOH sounds chilled, so she'd be fine, I'm sure, and she can still get ready with you etc, she's just not going to be 'part of the wedding party'

If your son doesn’t have a role then surely your DSD doesn’t need to have one? Could you emphasis the equality in that??

Isn't your DP going to ask her to be his 'best woman'? If she is more likely to be a supportive, pleasurable part of his day, this would be a good option. She could always wear a bridesmaid style dress but wouldn't have to match.

The last two weddings I’ve been to have had “Groomsmaids” or Best Women (best mate and sister of each of the grooms.

The Groomsmaid (?) wore a black bridesmaid dress instead of the black tuxes the lads were in- it worked really well. It worked really well and was clear they were part of the groom’s party, not the bride’s.

I think it should be your choice, and if you don't have that sort of relationship with her that should be fair enough.

By the sounds of things there are other children and grandchildren without roles.

I don't think you should ask her.

Imo suck it up and ask her.
My dp's ex was adamant their dd wasn't being a bm like my dd's. So we just bought 2 dresses.
Ex sent dsd in the whole bm caboodle and complained her dress didn't match my dd's...

Is there another role you could give her. Signing the register etc.?

Does he need to have her DS as his best man?

Presumably DH2b is going to respect OPs family by asking her son to have a high profile role?

Op I'd suggest either a reading or register sign if DH wants her included. Do the "I haven't asked you to be a bridesmaid as I'm only having the two little ones but we both want you to be a part of the day so would you like to do a reading?".

How old is DS? Could he do similar?

I think if you were just having your oldest friend to support you on the day in a relaxed wedding, that would be fine, but the fact you are having two nieces, makes it more into a formal / traditional / fancier type of a do.
So, at that point it does seem that you are excluding her, yes.

I would have still wanted to be a bridesmaid if asked as a young adult, yes. Not sure why you think she wouldn't.

I think it's fine not to have her. Whatever you do don't ask hoping she will say no though. She will probably say yes whether she wants to be involved or not as it's surely rude to say no so don't risk it unless you mean it.

I can’t think of anything more awkward for either of you than having a bridesmaid who you didn’t really want - and likely she didn’t really expect it. If she has two children who are v small (you mentioned babies) she will likely have her hands full at your wedding anyway without messing about being a bridesmaid for the sake of it.

If you were having a huge do with half a dozen other bridesmaids then maybe, but your not. If you own son isn’t having a role then there’s no issue of equality.