Would rather bedshare with son :(

[Anon221]

Am I being unreasonable to want my partner to sleep in bed with me? DP chooses to sleep in bed or next to SS (age 9) every weekend. He’s stayed a week this week for summer hols .he’s slept with him every night. We have a DC 9 months together who sleeps in her own room . & I have a DD age 7 who sleeps in her own bed. Am I right to feel sad we can’t share a bed when SS is here :(

Completely agree @Kanaloa

Also totally agree with @Kanaloa

My husband and I both co-sleep with our kids. It's musical beds in our house most nights with kids wanting one of us.

They are a little younger, granted, but 9 doesn't seem too old at all.

Why the fuck do people think it's weird or abnormal for a child to want comfort from their parents in the night??!!

It's totally natural and perhaps even more so for a child that is away from their parent for days at a time!

OP is jealous and needs to get a fucking grip

I agree with this.

Which is why I made exactly those points bar your last one (which I also agree with if the child worded it like that).

There is nothing to suggest this is not child led. If it was adult led then yes could be, but at the moment from the information we have, it would not be a safeguarding issue. OP has not said that the father instigated and everyone I know who bed-shares is on the instigation of the child.

@Italiandreams
There is nothing to suggest this is child led. Nothing.

The OP has not said who instigated this, but she has said that the child sleeps happily in his own bed on his own when he is living with his mother.

Of course, if everyone you know who bed shares does so on the instigation of the child then of course it must be so in this case.

Also, let's assume - again with no evidence whatsoever - that this is a cultural thing. The DP here clearly shares a culture with his son, but doesn't share this culture with either of the women he has had children with. Is that what is implied by the reference to culture?

The difference between happy times on the couch watching a film and sleeping in bed together is that in one case both are awake and can talk about any issue that requires all the comforting the DP is providing, whereas at night, in bed, both are sleeping so no conversation is possible, no issues are sorted out. How long does the DP intend to keep this up? What's his plan here?

@mathanxiety , he spends more at his mums house so completely normal to feel that he needs more comfort in an environment he is less familiar with. The long term plan would be to increase his confidence and independence, which comes from feeling secure. If he gets some of that security from sleeping next to his dad there is nothing wrong with that. The step mum wants the comfort of sleeping next to another person, why would a child not want the same thing? Comfort comes in different forms, it’s common for children to seek comfort at night when it’s dark. It’s not all about talking, what a strange thing to say. A hug provides huge comfort and reassurance, just having someone next to you if you wake in the night.

Why on earth aren't people suggesting to ask the DSC what they want rather thank making assumptions about how they do or don't feel and arguing over bed sharing.

I don’t think anyone thinks the child’s voice isn’t the most important thing here, everyone has acknowledged that, and agrees that all of this is dependent on what the child wants.

YANBU. That is just all kinds of weird. Different if the child was 3 or 4 but at 9 that’s not the norm in the UK surely.

Nothing wrong with bedsharing at 9 but is this something your DSS actively wants or is your DH pushing it because he misses his son? Because 9 year olds need their space sometimes too, and if DSS never sleeps by himself at yours he won't learn to, which won't help him feel at home there.

Your DP should be combining helping DS feel secure with at least some nights sleeping alone, l am all pro-bedsharing but it seems like he is taking some of your DSS's empowerment and independence away here.

(Potentially, I should say. For all we know it is DSS leading this in which case fair enough.. for me I would appreciate the extra bed space though I know you don't feel that way OP. But, as others say, this is unlikely to last much longer.)

My DH bed shares with a teen and it just gives me the ick. I’m with you OP.

There are 10 posts in the first two pages alone on this thread where PP specifically asked the OP who instigated the arrangement and why or whether it’s the DSC driving it, The OP didn’t answer these questions, and all her subsequent posts have focused on how she feels.

This comment is weird!

By nature of mn of course op is gonna post about how she feels. She's asking for advice. That's what this area is for.

People on both side of the fence have turned into a debate on bedsharing and basically giving reasons why the bedsharing is occurring/shouldn't be happening with neither side having the information and there's a lot of assuming the reasons why. Op probably won't be returning because of the usual amount of unsubtle and subtle shaming going on.

It's fine for people to agree-disagree on bedsharing. It's not for everyone, that said implying that it's normal (in this specific situation ) is imo detrimental to the DSC. Assuming how kids think is harmful, putting adult feelings on to children never goes well.

If a mum had said this about her DH and her kids I doubt she would be being called selfish. I also think the op would have stuck around to answer some of these questions, but considering the vile she got, don't blame her for hopping it tbh. Action = result.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers yes of course the OP is going to post about how she feels. It’s quite clear from my post that my point was the OP did not answer questions about whether her DSC wants the arrangement and by only responding with how she feels, ergo she did not say how HE feels about it.

but considering the vile she got, don't blame her for hopping it tbh.

I don’t see any vile responses, although to ge fair there are 3 posts on this thread that have been deleted by MNHQ. One of which is by you.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers even if both parents are bio it's still not appropriate to be bed sharing with your child at 9. Your bedroom is your down time place, personal space and its where your children have been conceived!

It's a bit much sharing a bed with your child each night come on.

Why? Is it because I have an opinion that is different to yours? Do you sleep with your older children? Suspect not.

@DuchessDarty I don’t see any vile responses, although to ge fair there are 3 posts on this thread that have been deleted by MNHQ. One of which is by you.

If you think this comment was clever and subtle it wasn't. Again. It's clear you didn't see it before hand was because I responded in quote form which includes the "original quote" and when you do that it includes the original quote and the other persons gets deleted. Call it a lovely mn quirk.

While your implying I have commented something nasty which I didn't - I'm not sure you are one to talk about vile comments ? ..

I had kinda hoped that after the last time we played nice and made up water under the bridge ect that would be the end of it (on that completely separate thread) but I keep getting that deeply ironic feeling every you @ me, what is starting to feel every post you see.

This is becoming a pattern and derailing too many treads. I'm not commenting @ you, my comments are nothing but my opinion. Dislike them fine but give it a rest please.

OP did not answer questions about whether her DSC wants the arrangement and by only responding with how she feels, ergo she did not say how HE feels about it.

I feel like banging my head against a brick wall, you know that I can think (iMO) people are being over the top nasty to op and also think that OPs/other commentors focus isn't in the right place right ?

I can also see why she didn't come back to give a response,given others peoples comments given how she was feeling about it. It wouldn't feel welcoming to me and I wouldn't come back to answer either.

I was commenting that this whole bedshare thing may be a red flag because iMO it's not normal (in this situation) and signifies something may be up and it's unhelpful for everyone to assume why. Which there have been so many comments suggesting this and is unhelpful made up narrative that can't be and looking unlikely to be confirmed either way or not.

@Palg68 I don't disagree and we are agreeing. If you see my previous posts you will see I don't think it's normal and signifies if it is child lead (which we don't know if it is) there's something up. Bedsharing for me and my family DSC or not would be not normal esp given age.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers A lot of what you said in response to me isn’t accurate and doesn’t make sense.
I saw your deleted post, it called someone vile. If it was just a case of you quoting a deleted post, the deletion of your post should state that. Which is on MNHQ and is something worth raising when them if that’s the case.
Don’t imply that I’m not one to talk about being vile - I haven’t said anything vile on this thread or any other.

Op, If I were your boyfriend I would see you as a big red flag. Not being able to do without your boyfriend in bed for a couple of nights a week, assuming you live together, is odd.

I also don't get, if by the same token, you wouldn't want to sleep with your own children if that is what they wanted a couple of nights a week.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers no you’re not bringing specifics into it but you’re consciously bringing over an issue that was resolved on the other thread inti this one. I apologised for my comment twice and agreed it was unnecessary. However You’re implying I made a vile or nasty comment - I didn’t. It was a comment that was inconsiderate of you but considerate of others. If you think it was vile please report it for deletion.

It’s also an exaggeration to say I’m @ ing you on every comment you name on this board. Not true.

That’s my last word on this.

I'm going to quote this message from MN from another thread, because there is a heavy dose here of non-stepparents muscling in and telling SM's how they should be parenting, despite not understanding at all the complicated nuances of SF life.....

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · Yesterday 10:54
Hello all. This is a reminder that, while we welcome a range of views on Mumsnet, the Stepparents board is intended as a supportive space for MNers who may be finding things tough or need advice in navigating delicate situations, and who, frankly, may just need to let off steam.
Posts suggesting that the OP should not have got together with someone with children are pretty unhelpful in these scenarios and we ask that posters keep that in mind when posting on this board. Others are welcome to post, but this is primarily a board for stepparents. Thanks.