Would rather bedshare with son :(

[Anon221]

Am I being unreasonable to want my partner to sleep in bed with me? DP chooses to sleep in bed or next to SS (age 9) every weekend. He’s stayed a week this week for summer hols .he’s slept with him every night. We have a DC 9 months together who sleeps in her own room . & I have a DD age 7 who sleeps in her own bed. Am I right to feel sad we can’t share a bed when SS is here :(

What other stuff? OP wrote a very short, to the point opening post.

I agree with you @pitchforksandflamethrowers, in that there should be a conversation with the child. There is a lot of people putting their adult thoughts into a child’s head. He may well just want that 1:1 time with his dad, if he doesn’t get much at other times. He may also feel less secure in dads home if he spends less time there. It’s definitely not weird, I still haven’t seen anyone explain why it’s weird. If they want to work towards independence then the issues not to be addressed. 9 is still pretty young, I’m pretty confident in the next year or too he will grow more, start puberty and definitely not want to still be sharing a bed.

@adorablecat can you explain why?

It’s not ‘every night’ though, is it? It’s two nights out of every seven plus a measly week in the 6/7 week long summer holidays. A very small portion of the time really. There’s nothing ‘abnormal’ about it.

This. Ffs.

Nobody seems to have noticed that his DM isn't happy with it, maybe she needs to have a word with your DH, 10 is far too old imo

Nothing weird about it.

The OP doesn’t really care about whether it’s right or wrong, she is just jealous of a 9 year old.

I find this odd and potentially concerning from a safeguarding point of view, BUT it depends on whether the SS is happy with it and the reasons why.

I struggled with this as a step parent. My DH would allow his DD to sleep in with him every night she was with us until she was nearly 11 we rowed about it loads until one day, it just stopped and now I wonder what all the fuss was about. I think some kids like the comfort of sleeping next to a parent and to be fair it can’t be easy waking up in different houses etc

If you can let it go, it will pass.

Also if he can sleep alone at mums it's a weird thing to do it only at dads...

No it’s not necessarily weird, it makes sense in that Mum’s is his main home and probably what he views as his safe space. At Dad’s he is there only at the weekends or at holidays, where there’s also a family unit that is together 24/7.

@DuchessDarty , what would be your safeguarding concern?

This is batshit and not in the best interests of a nine year old boy.

Is your DP afraid to show his son that you and DP are a couple?

Is he feeling guilt about the end of the relationship with DSS's mother?

@mathanxiety , if the boy is feeling insecure and wants some 1:1 time with his dad and is instigating it, how is it not in his best interests to provide this? What exactly is wrong with it? What is different to spending 1:1 time alone in the day? Or is it that we are putting adult ideas in it? He is probably just seeking comfort and security.

Has your DP talked to his exW about this, and about any effects its having on the child?

Whose idea is this, the adult's or the child's?

Has there been any discussion about this at all between any of the parties involved?

If he is imposind a sleeping arrangement of his choice on his son and on the OP with no discussion of it then he is being very unreasonable.

If he has not discussed this with his exW then he is also being g very unreasonable. It's an important parenting decision which both parents should agree on.

Would he have something to say if he heard that his exW was sleeping with the child at her home?

If it’s not the child’s choice then of course it’s unreasonable but the OP has not suggested that at all.

But it’s not every night, is it. It’s on the weekends (and one random week of the holiday).

Italiandreams
From the OP's comments it looks as if the only person feeling insecure is the DP.

He is mollifying his own feelings here, using his own child to assuage his guilt.

The mother of the boy is not happy with it. The OP is not happy with it. His two children with her are sleeping in their own beds.

If the boy has expressed any insecurity or other feelings that indicate he needs special attention then that can be dealt with during daylight hours, by talking, by listening to anything the child says about the ending g of the relationship between his mum and dad, time spent together, plenty of affectionate gestures.

Quality time together this is not. This is a grown man using someone else to make his feel less guilty.

He's thumbing his nose at the child's mother and at his current partner too. And we do not know if the child has asked for this sleeping arrangement or if it has been imposed on him.

If this is a decision made by the DP on his own then he needs to stop it immediately. It's a very serious breach of everyone's rights and an indication that this man is deeply selfish. He's a man who does not honour other people's boundaries.

Where did you read that @mathanxiety ?

@Italiandreams my generic safeguarding concern in any such situation would be coercion and sexual abuse. I worked in the criminal justice system and have had safeguarding training so this thought process is automatic for me.

HOWEVER since the OP posted about feeling sad she can’t sleep with the husband rather than about feeling concern for the DSS, I’m assuming there is no real safeguarding issue.

@DuchessDarty

Jfc, a father can't bedshare with his child without people jumping to conclusions about sexual abuse.
You realise in some cultures this is the norm right?

There is nothing to suggest this is not child led. If it was adult led then yes could be, but at the moment from the information we have, it would not be a safeguarding issue. OP has not said that the father instigated and everyone I know who bed-shares is on the instigation of the child. Many cultures bed share, it’s less common in our culture but not that unusual. If my children got comfort from sleeping with a parent I would have absolutely no issue, and there would no issue. How is it different from sitting alone in the house watching a film in the sofa?

Read the whole of my posts.

I was talking generically about a concern I would have as per safeguarding training. That doesn’t mean I think abuse is going on here - I DO NOT.

Obviously everything is context dependent. But an adult sleeping in the same bed as a 9 year old child every night they’re together is a potential red flag and most teachers, social workers and HCP will tell you so. Doesn’t automatically mean abuse is going on when it’s a parent, that would be ridiculous as there’s also the normal explanation of a child and parent co-sleeping. But combined with other concerns - eg parent seems controlling child is unusually withdrawn or shows potential signs of abuse - then yes it’s a red flag. The parent being a man does raise the risk as men are far more likely to sexually abuse then women. Does not mean all fathers are suspects.

I have known cases where children were forced to sleep with their parents and abuse has occurred. I have also known numerous examples of people sleeping with their children where I would not consider abuse. There was a period when I’ve slept with my own 12 year old child for specific reasons.

Unfortunately life is such that safeguarding means having to consider the worst case scenario. You’re naive if you don’t understand this.

I presume if the op was concerned her husband may be a paedophile who was sexually abusing his son she wouldn’t have led with ‘it makes me sad to sleep by myself for two nights a week.’

And as a childcare practitioner who has worked in many schools/nurseries a child telling me ‘I slept in mum/dad’s bed at the weekend’ wouldn’t raise concerns with me if I otherwise had absolutely no concerns for that child’s welfare. A child saying ‘my stepmum says dad can’t lie next to me any more when I visit since it makes her too sad’ would possibly concern me more to be honest.