Would rather bedshare with son :(

[Anon221]

Am I being unreasonable to want my partner to sleep in bed with me? DP chooses to sleep in bed or next to SS (age 9) every weekend. He’s stayed a week this week for summer hols .he’s slept with him every night. We have a DC 9 months together who sleeps in her own room . & I have a DD age 7 who sleeps in her own bed. Am I right to feel sad we can’t share a bed when SS is here :(

My DS aged 8 sleeps with me. He has additional needs. TBH DH can just do one if he thinks he's more important - he doesn't, he knows DS needs this at the minute.

You do sound jealous, it's bizarre. Presume your partner sleeps with you the other 5 days of the week? What does it matter for 2 days at the weekend?

Very unhealthy for the chid.
What happens when yous go on holiday are u expected to sleep on ur own?

Where would DSS sleep if he wasn't with his Dad? Where do you sleep when DSS is with DP?

My DD9 sleeps with me (single parent).

Her choice - she has her own room / bed and can sleep there if she chooses.

I want it to be her decision to go and not one that has been forced.

She'll make it ..... eventually.

There isn't a right or wrong answer.

That's a different story then. Shouldn't be happening if anyone is uncomfortable in any way

Originally when I met my EXDSS, my EXDP used to allow him to get into bed with us, as they used to share a bed before I was with EXDP.

After about 6 months of me dropping hints of not being ok with this, and finding it odd that a 6 year old needed to be accompanied to sleep every night, EXDP then took to sleeping in DSS's bed, leaving me on my own.

I was not ok with that, however just left EXDP to it. I could hardly tell him not to get into his DS bed.

Now I have DC (with said EXDP) myself, I still don't allow them to regularly sleep in my bed. They are younger than EXDSS was when this all started, and one has additional needs. Bar illness, I would expect my DC to sleep in their own beds. Even my DC with additional needs sleeps on their own.

As far as I'm aware, EXDP still sleeps with his DS (who is now 12), while our 2 DC have their own beds at his flat. While it's up to him, I do think it's odd. I'd expect my DP (if I had one!) to be in bed with me.

The step son relationship is irrelevant, especially as neither mum is happy about this.

No 9 - 10 year old should need to sleep with a parent & vice versa. Just weird & a big unhealthy tbh

It's not normal for a 9 year old to sleep in the same bed with his parent. I would not be happy with this either.

No, that poster said their DSD didn't want to share a bed with her dad and he was insistent she did so for his own comfort! Which is, I'm sure you'll agree, massively fucked up.

OP you haven’t actually said whether it’s DSS who is driving this. But anyway, what’s the harm? He’ll grow out of it. Not sure why you think it’s important that a 9 year old sleeps alone yet you, a grown adult don’t like sleeping alone.

I know lots of parents who have movie night and sleepover in the parents room on a weekend night. It’s really not that unusual.

Very unhealthy for the chid.

Why?

@NewYorkLassie sure but that's not what op is talking about.

100% of the time when DSC is there he sleeps with dad. It's not about op really so much as the kid needs reassurance, mums not happy about it (and DSC doesn't do it at her house) and no one is asking why is he doing this ?

Every single night? At 9 years old? Doubt it.

It’s unusual, I think. But not a huge deal?

I'd be very suprised if this is being lead by the 9 year old. At that age they want privacy not the chance of waking up to his or Dad's morning erection.

I think it’s a bit weird and can understand why you find it odd. If the 9 has had a nightmare/isn’t feeling well etc and wants to get in with dad for a cuddle then that’s completely different but sleeping together every night isn’t great for independence in my opinion.

A couple of people have asked and no one has answered, if instigated by the child, why is it weird?

My dc are with me most time and with ex similar amount to your dp. Their relationship with their dad is now more favourite uncle than parent /child. It quickly changes and becomes distant when you don’t see their ups and downs every day. I imagine your dp feels that separation and is trying to compensate for it. If dss is ok with it then I would just let it naturally end as dss gets older. I know my dc feel low down dads priority list with gf, work, etc so I can see the benefit to dss who is getting the message that while he doesn’t see dad daily he’s still a high priority. Have you asked your dp why he does it. If he decided instead to set aside a large chunk of the weekend doing stuff with dss 1:1 would you prefer that?

@Italiandreams if instated by DsS (which we don't know which way it is) there will be a reason.

We can all speculate that it's because he's from a broken home but actually it might not be and I don't think it's to much effort to ask DsS why ? (he could be being bullied, scared of dark, hates picture in his room ect)

Also at this age he should want independence and be working towards it, not going backwards at dads (when he copes at home with mum fine)

So it's quite clearly something. Instead of people assuming why he's doing it (because it's the least effort and is their adult view on the situation)

why not ask try to help the child ?

How is this a hard concept ?

DP CHOOSES to. - how does ss feel about this.? That would be the first issue.
have you discussed it with dp ..what s his reasoning.surely start there?

I agree that it's weird, and disrespectful to his partner.

to be fair im afraid your being shot down like that because of the way you have written your post, You should have just asked the question and left out all the other stuff.

" Is it strange for a man to share the bed with his 9 year old son every weekend instead of being in HIS bed with HIS partner/wife etc "

In which case the answer is that it isn't abnormal but it also isn't normal and i would be at least wanting the reason why from him, Does he feel guilty that he doesnt see his son as much as he feels he should? does he want his son to feel like he is really part of this new family dynamic.

Its only a weekend, or extra if holidays, Im sure you can go a few days without having a man beside you in bed. Stop being so needy.

Its more abnormal for a 9 year old boy to want his father in his bed everynight...