Would rather bedshare with son :(

[Anon221]

Am I being unreasonable to want my partner to sleep in bed with me? DP chooses to sleep in bed or next to SS (age 9) every weekend. He’s stayed a week this week for summer hols .he’s slept with him every night. We have a DC 9 months together who sleeps in her own room . & I have a DD age 7 who sleeps in her own bed. Am I right to feel sad we can’t share a bed when SS is here :(

Exactly this.

I think it's a bit odd generally any parent sleeping with their child in the same bed regularly but I think quite a few parents do it tbh. Talk to him and ask your partner. Ultimately its up to your OH and DSS.

9 may seem a bit old but it is a lot easier and less tiring to climb into bed next to a small child who is having trouble sleeping or who is lonely than the alternatives of having your evening and night's sleep constantly disturbed or a tired, grumpy child in the morning.

It might help if you actually answered the question people are asking.

Is it SS or OH driving this arrangement?

I'd feel the same as you OP. If dss sleeps in his own bed at home I'm not sure why he needs to sleep with your dp when he's with you. If there weren't any other children in the house to consider then it might be different but what kind of message is it sending to them when they sleep in their own beds but dss doesn't.

I'm gonna buck the trend and say it's odd iMO. Has anyone slept next to a kid at night, I have had better sleep on a bed of nails tbh.

Blended families have this nasty game of pick a side by guilt left over from their parents splitting.

The odd night sure. But every night he's there and doesn't do it at mums ? At his age you would hope he can self sooth to fall asleep alone. We see it expected on mn of babies as young as 4months...

Anyway ignore the people tripping over to say your being unreasonable because DSC is from a split family, that line of thought often causes damage in the long term for everyone in the house including DSC.

Also before anyone @ me I am from a step family and was a step child ect.

Nobody has shot
You down. Very OTT response to some people disagreeing with you. It's two nights a week and your stepson obviously misses his dad and vice Versa and wants as much time and cuddles with him as possible. Really don't understand why you think you right to sleep next to your DH is more important than his child's. It's two nights a week get over yourself

When you've asked your husband about it, what does he say?

My DP does this (not every night his boys stay with us-maybe half). Often because he has been chatting to them in their rooms before bed and they all fall asleep. I miss him sleeping with me but I think it's sweet and he misses them so much when they are with their Mum so I totally get it. It won't be forever as they will soon be to old for it so I'd just let it go.

I can’t believe peoples responses to this!

There was a post not too long ago about a Dad sharing a bed with his daughter of a similar age and understandably people thought this behaviour was weird & totally not normal! Just because his child is a boy this makes it ok?

OP when did this arrangement start, who instigated it and why? Knowing the answers to these questions would definitely influence my response.

Whose idea is it? Does the boy actually want this? Or is it about meeting dad’s emotional needs?

YABU, when I met my now husband my son was still sleeping in my bed, if he’d had a problem with that he wouldn’t have become my husband.

If you’re a bit jealous that a child gets one night a week while you get the rest, is that not a bit hypocritical?

I think it's odd for anyone to sleep with a nine year old, unless the child is ill or had a nightmare.
And as they are asleep I don't get the 'spend time with' excuse. If they want that then he can go in for a private chat before bedtime, and of course there's the day when if they feel the need can do stuff just the two of them (right? You don't insist all the kids all together all the time)?

I mean if he can self soothe to sleep at 9 then I’m sure op can manage it too? Especially since she only has to do it at weekends.

^ this. I was going to say exactly the same thing.

I think it's very weird to be honest! I would be making it very clear you do not like it and you think it's weird! The child isn't 2 or 3 - he's 9 nearly 10. Can't imagine the child wants to sleep with his dad

@Kanaloa I mean not being rude but if we replace DSS, with DSD (which there was a thread about this a while back) a lot more people would be saying it's weird.

Also if he can sleep alone at mums it's a weird thing to do it only at dads...

Let's not pretend that being married and wanting to sleep next to your partner is a weird flex for op. However at DSD age (boy or girl) it is odd, younger sure but still

If this was my DSC I would be finding out why they felt unsafe or what was underlying it and addressing the issue opposed to letting my DSD think this was normal.

If this was a nuclear family and mum was saying my DH has to sleep with our son and leave me alone at night regularly aged 9 people wouldn't be like omg op your jealous of your son.

I say this as a mum. Come on

Why is it odd? I sleep next to my children if they need me. My DH would sleep next to them if they wanted him to. All our kids are secure and comfortable because they know we’re always there if they want us.

Nobody is saying it’s a ‘weird flex’ for her to want to sleep next to her husband. It’s also not odd for a child who only sees their own father at weekends to want to sleep next to him. And the point is people are saying it’s odd that a little boy is saying ‘I want to sleep by dad since I only see my own dad at weekends even though he sees these other kids every single day’ but it’s absolutely fine for a grown up to say ‘I need my husband to sleep next to me every single night, it makes me sad that he sleeps with his son at weekends.’

And it doesn’t mean he feels ‘unsafe.’ But it’s very likely his connection with his father feels fragile to him given that he sees him a tiny proportion of the time and is aware that his father spends all that time with his half and step sibling instead. And now his stepmother wants to stop them sleeping next to each other two nights a week.

Not weird for a parent to sleep with their child

@clpsmum that post was actually as the DSD didn't want to share a bed with her dad... and dad insisted... poor girl.

Sm was trying to help in that situation. It was odd.

Of course it's not normal - it's weird if you ask me. My husband has never done this with either of his kids.

Yet another SM post where the OP gets a bashing for no reason. I know admin have had to step in on another Step-parenting post - too many people commenting who aren't even step parents and know nothing of the situation, but just want to come on to stick the boot in. Unacceptable behaviour - what's wrong with people.

@HandbagsnGladrags I know I think mn has noticed tbh and I'm glad.

@clpsmum I missed your previous tag but of course every now and again when they are younger.. maybe once or twice when they are older.

Every single night he's with dad. No not normal. You can't compare blended families to nuclear families because they are different.

It annoys me when people say abnormal behaviour is normal and stick head in the sand and ignore and not help DSC obvious needing help.