I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

IMO potentially, yes. Depends on ages and how much "muddling through" needs to be done.

But I don't think it's fair on anyone to continue to "muddle through" a situation where the OP feels she hasn't gained anything positive or even that she views it as such. This is her DH's kids, I would hate to think that my spouse felt like that if he was a step-parent to my kids. I wouldn't have continued in a relationship with my DH if I felt that way about my DSD. DSC are a non-negotiable part of being with their father and brings so many potential complications. So if I felt having DSC brought me only negatives and therefore depleted my life rather than added to it, I'd consider moving on.

I'm not a step mum and have never been but I feel the same thing I feel for my in-laws. It's unnatural for me to see my mil as my own mother and FIL as my own father and I don't and I just can't feel the same love I would feel towards my own dm and df. I know my in-laws would never feel the love they have for DH towards me ever because they didn't give birth to me and we don't have that bond. With each relationship, you have to be careful and diplomatic as there isn't love that naturally glues you. Okay, it's different for some people who adore their in laws just like they adore their sc but for people like me, I can only adore my own. Obviously whats being talked about in this thread has very different dynamics with what I'm trying to say but I would struggle too. I struggle to parent my own child which we very much wanted him and the only thing that glues us is the unconditional love I have towards my child even when at my worse (mainly ds pushing my buttons) I'm still attached by that bond I have and unfortunately I would never have or feel same towards someone's child. I can adopt and foster but being a sm is a no no from me.

This is her DH's kids, I would hate to think that my spouse felt like that if he was a step-parent to my kids.

Can I ask, and this is a genuine question not being shitty, what is it you would expect to be added to your partner's life by having your children in it?

I agree I would hate to think of someone talking about my DC like this as well but I think that's because I / we find it hard to be objective about our children and that not everyone feels about them like we do. Really what is it you expect a partner to think has been brought to his life by having your children in it when there are so many complications and downsides?

The fact they are my husband's kids is really neither here nor there. Simply saying they are his kids doesn't make me feel any differently. I don't really subscribe to the 'you love him so therefore surely you love any child of his'. No, the fact they are my husband's children doesn't make me feel any differently. The only children of my husband's that I love are my own and that's nothing to do with the fact they simply came from him.

I'm not a step mum and have never been but I feel the same thing I feel for my in-laws

I suppose it's a similar thing in the sense that whilst I do like my MIL, I don't really feel like my life would be any worse off without her in it. But she doesn't really bring anything negative to my life either. Simply having a MIL doesn't make my life any more difficult than it otherwise would be like being a step parent does so never had any need to think about it.

I don’t really subscribe to the ‘you love him so surely you love any child of his’

Here you go again OP about how step parents are meant to ‘love’ their dsc’s. As I’ve already mentioned, people don’t expect step parents to love their dsc’s on the whole, but just expect their kids to be treated properly.
I asked you why you went on to marry your husband, considering you must’ve felt that there were no positives to having his dc’s in your life?

You must’ve lived together beforehand I assume, so, like I said, I think it was unfair of you to marry and have a child, when you had zero interest in his other kids.. (And once again, I don’t mean that you should have loved them at all, but you seem so cold to their very existence that I’m baffled as to why you married him, as you knew he came as a package) ….. genuine question.

Your logic didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now, though. You say "nobody expects you to love your DSC" yet you are clearly extracting from the fact she doesn't that she must treat them improperly and shouldn't have got into the relationship. It's contradictory.

@DuchessDarty Even though you are happily in love with your partner/husband and raising your own child together, whom you obviously want to have the benefit of parents that aren't separated? The drain of being a single parent and/or seeing your own kids become SC could deplete your happiness more than EoW being a bit of a drain. It's really drastic to think divorce would be the answer in those circumstances over the DSC just not bringing anything positive. Maybe if they were there full time, but usually they're not. It's a relatively small part of my life, really.

All of that significant downside for you and your children from separating would actually tip the SC from simply not bringing anything positive to your life go having an enormously negative, ongoing effect.

The joy the OP gets from her marriage and children is important. That brings huge positives to her life. Being a stepparent doesn’t (that it’s an inevitable consequence of her having a husband with children from a previous relationship doesn’t make it positive). But throwing away a relationship with a man she loves (and who loves her) and having her children grow up with separated parents is an even more negative situation.

Aha! There we go. That's why your not screaming for the exit. If I went by MN, I'd assume everybody else's MIL made their life a living hell. (I've been pretty lucky with mine).

Seriously, there are clearly some plusses in your setup, DSC or not. I suppose most people have areas of their lives that are a bit grim. Could be health, work, caring responsibilities, fears for our children, grinding poverty, dodgy men, whatever. You stay sane by being thankful for the good stuff.

suppose most people have areas of their lives that are a bit grim. Could be health, work, caring responsibilities, fears for our children, grinding poverty, dodgy men, whatever. You stay sane by being thankful for the good stuff.

Yes this is true. But then not many of those are you expected to actively enjoy having if you see what I mean? Not everyone may expect you to love DSC like you're own (although some certainly do) but you're definitely expected by most to at least enjoy having the kids in your life. I'm not sure how many people would be expected to like and not complain about health issues or grinding poverty affecting their lives.

You must’ve lived together beforehand I assume, so, like I said, I think it was unfair of you to marry and have a child, when you had zero interest in his other kids.. (And once again, I don’t mean that you should have loved them at all, but you seem so cold to their very existence that I’m baffled as to why you married him, as you knew he came as a package) ….. genuine question

I guess like ASofa said, you may not think people have to love DSC but your question sort of implies that by me not doing so I must treat them terribly. I don't. I'm actually very nice to them, as I am any child and they get on well with me. But no I don't feel like my life would be in any way negatively impacted by them not being in it but would instead be much easier. That is something I'm willing to put up with to be with my husband and have my DC but it's definitely a reason why I find SPing very unnatural and often difficult.

I guess you could describe it as cold and maybe it does seem that way, I admit I don't really have any sort of lovey feelings toward my DSC. They are good kids but I don't particularly enjoy their company to the point I'd rather them be here than not although I don't hate them being here either. And PPs saying 'but these are your husbands kids' doesn't change that. I don't see why them being my husband's kids should automatically invoke some sort of lovey / positive feeling from me personally.

But to answer your question, as I say, I married him because I am able to get on with his kids and I am able to be kind and whatever else is needed even if I do not enjoy it and I am willing to have this aspect of my life be something I don't really like so that I can be with my husband and children.

And I do think the 'nobody expects you to feel X Y and Z' is rubbish. How many parents would be fine hearing their partner felt like this so long as they were kind to their kids?

I imagine most would be upset that their partner didn't feel X Y or Z for their kids.

The 'upsetness' over step parents not liking sdc is a complete red herring and a huge deflection.

If you don't raise your dc to be likeable, if you don't teach your dc basic table manners, if you don't tell them off and teach them (because that's what we do as parents when our dc misbehave as all dc do at times) what's okay and what's not okay - then you won't have likeable dc. You can't expect someone to like your dc, let alone love them, if you don't raise them and let them rule the roost.

In the vast majority of families there is love, boundaries and different needs are met at different times. In step families the nr dcs needs have to always be met, at the expense of resident dc and the step parent. This causes conflict, when the nr dc are especially rude, entitled, manipulative and unlikeable. An outsider looking in will of course be thinking poor sdc - until they have lived with that dynamic... it's true that the dc who need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving of ways, and it's true that behaviour is communication in children, it's also true that it becomes increasingly frustrating to live with a nrp who doesn't deal with the needs of the child and instead panders through guilt. That's not love and parenting, it's guilt and putting themselves first - because then they'd have to admit where they've gone wrong and do something about it. I feel very sorry for sdc, not because of them being in a step family but because they have parents who don't raise them so they become increasingly more unhappy.

If you don't raise your dc to be likeable, if you don't teach your dc basic table manners, if you don't tell them off and teach them (because that's what we do as parents when our dc misbehave as all dc do at times) what's okay and what's not okay - then you won't have likeable dc. You can't expect someone to like your dc, let alone love them, if you don't raise them and let them rule the roost.

A thousand times this!!!

I agree, you can't expect someone to like your kids simply because they are married to you if they aren't likeable.

I think I'm a little different to that in the sense that I don't particularly like many kids, they have to be especially funny, kind, or whatever to invoke a genuine like in me. Don't know if that makes sense but never been hugely fussed by other people's kids in general. Not dislike but just indifference other than the odd few. Again, not the same as saying I'm unkind. I am always kind to any child I meet even if I don't possess any particular strong feelings for them.

I would say I definitely prefer one of my DSC over the other. One is likeable whereas the other is less so for a few reasons. Sometimes I've even thought I'd probably enjoy step parenting a bit more if it were only DSC1.

In step families the nr dcs needs have to always be met, at the expense of resident dc and the step parent

I DEFINITELY think there is things like this at play in a lot of step families and I believe it's actively encouraged a lot of the time in places like MN too.

It's one of the things I said earlier in the thread disadvantages my own children because they have half siblings.

There seems to be a constant guilt surrounding DSC that becomes absolutely tedious in reality. It's one thing I do absolutely refuse to live by myself or force my children to and something which absolutely has changed since I had them. I refuse to limit their life because of guilt their dad feels because of his older children but I know he feels it and there's definitely an undercurrent of 'poor DSC' all the time for unnecessary things.

I think being a step parent is hard because inevitably DSC take away time and attention from your own DC. They are competitors for resources within your home and family.

Plus they link your SO to a previous love and are a constant reminder, which is a bit awkward.

Plus they link your SO to a previous love and are a constant reminder, which is a bit awkward.

I don't know, I'm sure this is a factor for some, but I don't think it is for me. At least not on a conscious level, perhaps subconsciously/ instinctive level.

But it's never really bothered me that the children are his exes or a reminder of them being together. We've all got exes. It bothers me much more the fact that she's constantly in the peripheral of my life.

Yes I see what you mean. The fact that the ex will be in your life or at least on your radar for as long as you’re in contact with the DSC. I would find that very hard to tolerate. And most of the time they’re she-devils 😂

Yeah, it's one of the worst parts tbh. My husband's ex isn't the worst but she is very selfish at times. It's hard to sort of let things go to keep the peace or live with things you aren't happy with when it's not even your ex! I often feel like a woman who has nothing to do with me has some element of control over my life and it does drive you mad if you think about it too much.

Also the inherited routines - this is what we do at birthdays/this is what we do at Christmas etc and the inevitable stress and aggravation when you dare decide what to do for your own DC yourself not follow the SDC’s traditions

The inherited routines are a big problem. You aren’t able to negotiate important events (christmas) and every day stuff (bedtimes) as a mix of stuff you and your husband want because you have to do things the way another woman does for the SC.

You assume there will be renegotiation when you have children. But too often it turns out that you just have to suck it up.

you have to do things the way another woman does for the SC.

I'd just never agree to this, I refuse to have my children's lives limited because they have siblings with a different mother. Frankly I don't care if DSC didn't get to do X Y or Z. If my children have the opportunity to do it then they can do it and if my husband's only objection to it was 'but my older kids never did it', then I'd be raising hell.

I've seen a lot of it suggested on here a few times though. A couple of examples being your DC can't have a big party if DSC only had a sleepover. Erm no, my DC can have whatever type of party they like (within reason obviously ha) and that won't be affected by what DSCs parents chose to do for them. If DSCs mum and DH think a sleepover is enough of a celebration for their children then that is absolutely their choice as parents. But it won't stop my child having the type of party they want.

I saw one as well where the OP could afford private school for her child but her husband was saying no because his much older son never went. Fuck that.

I do make my own routines, but we’ve been accused by ex of ‘trashing the SDC’s memories’. It’s exhausting tbh. SDC are older and don’t come to stay now and it’s glorious, which is sad really.