I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

I’m thinking more things where you just have to keep doing them the SC’s usual way and that means your children have to fall in to this. Lots of things about Christmas fall into this category. Or more every day things like norms and rules for eating, the way bedtimes are organised, etc.

You have to actually say no. We are not doing things that way any more. We are going to do it this way because it really matters to me that my children hang stockings on the mantelpiece and open them downstairs with everyone, rather than putting them on beds and them opening them alone before getting up. Especially when your husband also grew up doing it more your way and would have chose. That for the SC but ended up deferring to their mother.

And the shit you get when you do decide to do it the way you want can be a real stress. Having to fight against the SC’s mother just to do basic things with your own children is exhausting and demoralising.

Fortunately never had to deal with much of that but I can see how frustrating that would be.

Personally I've thankfully been left alone to parent our children how I want (and how DH would ideally like to parent DSC too if so much of it wasn't shrouded in guilt). I'm sure it will become more apparent as my children get older though but I think by the time they really start to notice any discrepancies, DSC will be too old to be coming as regularly as they do now.

Christmas is definitely a huge one. Everyone does it differently and wants to do it their way. Your dc want to do it your way and his dc want to do it their mums way. I don't think these things are really thought about till you're stuck in a step family and it's Christmas time.

Christmas has a different annoyance for me though.

The constant arguing over who gets DSC at which part of the day. Any ability to actually put their children first just goes completely out of the window at Christmas. It spoils the run up every single year. Just alternate it for goodness sake!;

Yes. And it very often is ‘mum’s way’ in most families because women so often do all the work to make these things happen and men less so.

There’s another part of it. Your enjoyment of Christmas is diminished because of the bullshit negotiations going on around the SC. It detracts from things in so many ways.

Your dc want to do it your way and his dc want to do it their mums way.

It takes some imagination. Make a new way, that combines the best bits of both and something new and a bit out of the box. It helps to create some brand new celebrations and make up your own traditions around them. Few people mind have extra fun stuff! Celebrate Santa returning home to the North Pole and putting his feet up - anything really, however daft.

Yep. And the implication that it’s a ‘lesser’ or sad Christmas if they aren’t there

Isn't that essentially just the same thing as doing it your own way, though? Because the way SM wants to do it with younger kids will be new to SC.

Personally I can't say we've ever felt or succumbed to pressure to do things SC's mum's way at Christmas, thankfully! We incorporate basic things like him liking to drink hot chocolate but that's about it. It's unbelievable how controlling and enmeshed some ex's can be!

My DSS is now 18 and funnily enough DH and I were talking last night about how much less stressful it is now that we have nothing to do with his mother.

She was an absolute nightmare for years.

The nightmare controlling ex stage does pass.

But I agree when you are in the minefield of it all it is very draining and not very rewarding.

Its tiring always having to be the bigger person.

I think things for me definitely got harder when I had my own dc.

My advice to my own children will be to avoid having step children at all costs and don't get involved with someone who has younf kids with someone else.

@Hmmmmmm1 the Christmas comment suggests to me that the real problem is the bad relationship and ongoing power battles between your DH and his ex, which they use the kids to prosecute.

that sounds like it sucks, but is hardly the kids fault.

but they’ll sense it and it will show up in their behaviour

Is there anything to be done there? I’d consider encouraging my DH to go back to court and get the contact pattern and approach (as you say, alternating) for dates like Xmas and birthdays and holidays legally set out. And then stick to that and not a thing more.

less arguments, no more of his ex dictating your life.

This is a sore point for me!

I remember when DSD (her mum’s only child) was 9 and my DCs were 2 and 4 and it was DSD’s year to spend Christmas Day with her mum. She told DH and me that her mum had said we were being boring and spoilsports by not doing an early Christmas with her at our house (because this is what her mum does on years when it’s our turn to have DSD for Xmas).

I was shocked/yet not shocked by the lack of consideration for the fact that we have two young DCs and so if we had Christmas early, that would mean our experience of actual Christmas Day with them would be diluted by the fact we’d already done it a few days before.

Like, just no awareness at all.

So yeah, I see where you’re coming from.

What would I expect to be added to your partner's life by having your children in it?
This is an easy question for me to answer as of course I know what my stepdaughter has added to my life. So some but by no mean all things:

• fun of being with children/young people and as a big bonus, not necessarily being the person who is responsible for discipline
• building a relationship with a young person and being a person in their lives - gives me a sense of satisfaction
• despite not being related the DC may have similar interests or one big interest that you don't share with your own DC
• getting to see the world through the eyes of a young personwho may have a different perspective
• the pride of seeing them do something well because you're proud of that young person doing something well and 'growing'
• the joy of knowing you are supporting the person you love by being a unit with them and their children
• the potential relationships and friendships and love between my DC and any my new DP has or our children together have. My DC ADORE my DSD who is a fair bit older, and vice versa and seeing them together is wonderful.

The fact they are my husband's kids is really neither here nor there. Simply saying they are his kids doesn't make me feel any differently. I don't really subscribe to the 'you love him so therefore surely you love any child of his'.

You completely misunderstood me. I wasn't saying you should feel differently about them because they're his, I'm saying that as they are a package with him then it's not great for HIM and THEM to be in a situation where you don't feel that way. This is after I'd said it's not great for you obviously. Or indeed your DC. This is my personal take.

I completely agree just because you love him doesn't mean you surely will love his children. Wasn't saying that at all. What I was saying was that it is a shame for ALL of you that you feel that way about such a big unmovable part of him/his life.

@DuchessDarty I think the majority (well all really) of what you've listed there is only really likely to come from the most pleasant and engaging of kids, because being around my DSS is just not like that at all. Even my DP would struggle to get experiences like that out of being with him!

all of those bullet points do not necessarily follow though.

fun of being with children/young people and as a big bonus, not necessarily being the person who is responsible for discipline

There has to be some fun. Being with children who just aren’t nice or fun (because that’s how their parents have allowed them to be) is pretty thankless. And not being able to do anything about their behaviour - which affects your home and your children - doesn’t feel freeing. It can feel like being entirely out of control and unable to enjoy anything.

building a relationship with a young person and being a person in their lives - gives me a sense of satisfaction

You have to feel you can build a relationship with them. That’s not so easy with a child afflicted by an enormous loyalty bind, for example. Or one whose parents do all sorts of things to undermine your ability to build any kind of positive relationship with the child.

despite not being related the DC may have similar interests or one big interest that you don't share with your own DC

not a given by an stretch of the imagination.

getting to see the world through the eyes of a young personwho may have a different perspective

Depends on the perspective really. The perspective of someone intent on telling you how shit you and everything is, doesn’t being much joy.

the pride of seeing them do something well because you're proud of that young person doing something well and 'growing'

often SM’s don’t get the nice bits. Just the shit. Their real family get to go to the show; she gets to pick up the laundry.

the joy of knowing you are supporting the person you love by being a unit with them and their children

only if there is a sense of being a unit. Too often stepmothers are positioned as outsiders and scapegoats by the SC and their parents.

the potential relationships and friendships and love between my DC and any my new DP has or our children together have. My DC ADORE my DSD who is a fair bit older, and vice versa and seeing them together is wonderful

again, depends on the children really. It’s hard to feel positive about this when mostly you are deeply worried about the SC being a negative influence on or being horrible to their younger half sibling. Feeling like you need to protect your small child from older children isn’t fun.

In general, it very much depends on the tone your husband sets, how he parents them, and the boundaries he had in place with his ex.

Yep.

it is just true that some children are less likeable and engaging than others. Like people of any age.

Which is also to say: some people do have really lovely, engaging SC. And supportive partners.

but even then, it’s still much harder than not being a stepparent. I can imagine the obvious positives do help a lot.

other people really are dealing with a world of trying to focus on the least worst aspects of it.

I'm sure this saying is Russian but it applies here

The same water that boils the potato and makes it soft is the same water that hardens the egg.

I don't get warm and fuzzies from DSD but I do find her interesting. I can't love her as my own but I can treat her as my own (when she's in my house and that swings from the positive and the negative). In my house which I paid for, I don't be used a puppet to parent by proxy from another. All children have equal equity in our house.
That said I have the support of a supportive DH, a mum who even though we have had our disagreements I rather like, and the ability to talk frankly and honestly about stuff. All of the above makes the situation much much easier than it could be, but it's still very hard.

Lower your expectations in terms of your feelings,

whenever I have been told in the past I have to feel x because of a situation, if I did have a ounce of x in my bones.. as soon as I'm told I have to feel x, I'm sure it exits my bones pronto.

I think it's bad etiquette for you to go through my points criticising them when the OP "genuinely" asked for my opinion and I gave it clearly as my opinion. OBViOUSLY there are variables and no guarantees (does that really need to be spelt out? ) and not all will necessarily apply - I was giving a smorgasbord.

I could counter to reply to your points but I'm not going to waste my time.

@aSofaNearYou I wonder how many DC of the SMs here, including mine, would be "engaging and delightful" all the time if they suddenly found themselves in a step-parent situation. I suspect many of these wonderfully brought up DC may show different sides when faced with circumstances where they have Step parents. Which IMO is natural and to be expected and why personally I was prepared in the beginning to "give" to DSD (who was young) despite how they or their mother responded.

Personally I would never have married DH or had DC with him unless I was prepared to accept DSD unconditionally, which was just as well as her mother died. Were DH and I to split up, I wouldn't have a serious relationship with anyone until my DC were grown up. Up to DH what he did but I hope and am pretty sure from experience that he would not get seriously involved with anyone unless they were prepared to accept his kids unconditionally too, which does not mean love them like your own, but means accepting them with all that involves.

I suspect the OP may well accept her DSC unconditionally. I hope that alone gives the OP a positive, in that she's selflessly doing a good job.

@DuchessDarty I don't want to make to finer point of it as it's rather a grim/dark topic but i have wondered in the past of having DSC full time or mum not being in the picture makes it's easier for step children to accept a sm therefore elevating the pressure of who's allowed to feel what for both DSC and sms alike.

By logic and practically it must be slightly easier in some respects although I can only imagine the damage it's done to your DSC and I'm not minimising that in any way.

But it seems so many posts link back to sm not having a role or different roles depending on personal opinion . Which historically sm would have filled only when mum died. A role which is pretty close to a nuclear family set up which doesn't have half the complications a blended one does IMO.

I think it's bad etiquette for you to go through my points criticising them when the OP "genuinely" asked for my opinion and I gave it clearly as my opinion.

1. it’s a discussion board and you were outlining opinions. Opinions are up for discussion.
2. I wasn’t criticising the individual points. Just outlining various circumstances in which they wouldn’t be a positive because stepfamilies are all different and some SMs get shittier circumstances than others.

being willing to accept SC unconditionally doesn’t mean the experience is positive for you. Just that you recognise it came as part of the package.

No one has a crystal ball. They assume things will settle. The SC will warm up or their behaviour will improve. The SC’s personalities will develop and there’ll be things to bond over. Some of them find that, actually, the toddler tantrum phase doesn’t pass, the personalities turn out to be difficult, and nothing improves because the SC’s parents are making an arse of being divorced parents.

It’s great your circumstances panned out better than that.

I think this is actually a really important admission OP.

I think we've gone along with the idea societally that step families are just an alternative set up and fine for kids.

We've done this because we want to justify adults decisions.

But the reality is adults do not feel the same about unrelated children as they do their own, and worse than that they can hugely resent them if they judge they may be taking resources away from their own children.

Children who live in a home with an adult who is not biologically related to them are 100s of times more likely to experience abuse.
This is not surprising given the psychology of the relationship.

You are just admitting the reality that won't be talked about because adults feel their decisions (to have step families) are then judged.

Obviously shit happens in life people do get divorced and remarry, and you have to deal with the situation you're in, but we need to stop pretending this is all fine for kids.

It's not and I think you've explained really well why.

I wonder how many DC of the SMs here, including mine, would be "engaging and delightful" all the time if they suddenly found themselves in a step-parent situation. I suspect many of these wonderfully brought up DC may show different sides when faced with circumstances where they have Step parents. Which IMO is natural and to be expected and why personally I was prepared in the beginning to "give" to DSD (who was young) despite how they or their mother responded.

I think there's a tendency to attribute anything that is not a shining report of a SC's behaviour or personality to the fact that they are in a step family, whereas really it's often just what they're like. My DSS is not difficult and does not fall short of the list you provided because of having me as a step parent, none of it is targeted at me. The "flaws" from my perspective often come when objectively he is very happy in himself. He's just not really a joy to be around, he's interested in 8 year old boy things - no potential shared interests with adults - being given things, and not being challenged to grow (striking out much option for pride in his growth.) He's very self focused as an individual. He's like this with everybody. It's hard to describe fully without just sounding like you're insulting him, but those feelings you describe having with your DSD are just hard to get from being around him. Even his dad struggles.

Personally I would never have married DH or had DC with him unless I was prepared to accept DSD unconditionally, which was just as well as her mother died. Were DH and I to split up, I wouldn't have a serious relationship with anyone until my DC were grown up. Up to DH what he did but I hope and am pretty sure from experience that he would not get seriously involved with anyone unless they were prepared to accept his kids unconditionally too, which does not mean love them like your own, but means accepting them with all that involves.

As PP said, none of this equates to not accepting them. I accept that he exists and is the person he is, and will always be a part of things. I don't think that's really the same thing as getting positives out of being with him.