I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

Really? Do you think this is the thread to post that on?

Please not not equate all step mother's to murderers. It's revolting.

@aSofaNearYou love that point.

Any advice for the SC bad habits not impacting your children? My SC are really bad at eating and table manners. Very picky, has to pick what they want for dinner, really bad with cutlery. We have tried to make them eat the same as us but they just refuse and it ends up in a war. I'm worried for the day my children ask why they can't eat something completely different too. 🙄

Biological parents hurt and murder their dc in far more numbers than steo parents. Step mums, ironically, harm step dc far less then any other group of parent.

How old are your dc and your sc? You sound so judgemental about your poor sc. Maybe they have dyspraxia or are just not ready yet, it's possible to teach them good table manners with a bit of patience. You can't make children eat food, please have some compassion. They may not feel able to eat the food served in your household because they feel deeply emotionally conflicted and torn. Having a blended family enforced on you as a child can scar dc for life. Try and accommodate their tastes and include them. When they visit, ask them what they would eat, sometime seven a different brand of mil will be unpalatable to some dc have difficulties around food. For god's sake, their lives arena your hands, have some compassion and try and understand. These children do not chose to come to yours for dinner but you have chosen to have them in your family. It's your choice now to be kind and loving or cold and judgemental.

I'm not a step parent so I have no horse in this race so to speak HOWEVER I do feel like I would struggle to really, truly, unconditionally love children other than my own, I know how I feel about my own and cannot imagine feeling that for a non biological child, so I think your feelings are perfectly valid and are probably more common than people like to think.

Having said all that, do you treat the step kids the same as your own? At the end of the day we are the adults, the children are left with no choice in which adults come into their lives and all children deserve to be treated with kindness and fairness, I have seen many of my friends relationships with their step kids go horribly wrong because of how they were treated by them. I would be devastated if anyone I was in a relationship with described their relationship with my child in the terms you describe yours, I would end a relationship in those circumstances because my child deserves better than to be thought of that way. Are you still invested in your relationship with your partner?

I feel your pain, we used to have much the same, though in fairness these days DSS has gone the other way and wants to eat way too much rather than needing coaxing into every mouthful!

Honestly if their behaviour was really bad around food I would just feed them separately, using the excuse that the younger DC needed to eat earlier.

@NataliesSuitcase
We don't have enough time to create any impact of SC before they go home and everything is completely undone. So we aren't going to spend our days with the SC going to war with children to make them eat proper food.

We get them food they like and we make them separate meals each time to ensure they eat. My children will eat what we eat day to day. I do not want them questioning why we eat one meal and they eat crap that they get to decide on. So what's your issue ? 😂

@NataliesSuitcase
Ps they are not emotionally torn or whatever bullshit you've just made up 😂 They will happily eat crap food and eat snacks all evening. It's not that deep.

Suit yourself @user3346315

We get them food they like
Good, then you are doing your job. I hope you are hiding your obvious negativity about your dc well. 💔

My children will eat what we eat day to day.
Good for you and your dc 👏. It's not due to your superior parenting mind, it's just luck of the draw. Sounds like your dc are still young, let's hope they remain as easy and superior to your sc as you feel they are now 😂.

they are not emotionally torn or whatever bullshit you've just made up
I don't know your sc so can't say if they have emotional issues around food. But it's common knowledge that food is intrinsically linked with emotions and wellbeing. They are not in their home when the stay with you. It's a lot to expect that sc just slot in with their dad's and new partner's family and household. It can work amazingly well in some cases and be enriching for everyone. 🙂

@NataliesSuitcase
Oops I have obviously touched a nerve. Your children don't eat well do they ?

I have never said it's my superior parenting skills (even though I am an amazing mother)
I have asked tips on how to stop my children changing their good eating habits when they see SC eating different meals. I think that's a pretty normal question ?! Step children or bio children. If one child is being catered for whilst the other is easy going, you wouldn't want that to rub off.

Anyway. I hope you deal with whatever issues you are randomly projecting onto me.

What if it is bad though? Sometimes it genuinely IS bad in the other home.

Or where, you end up having religion forced upon you and your children because of what happens in the other house? It’s always you compromising for the sake of harmony and that becomes more difficult when it’s affecting the choices you have for your own children.

Sure, I might be willing to put up with grace before meals. Even though I really am not religious and had a childhood where things like grace were a form of weaponised religion. But I am fundamentally opposed to indoctrinating my children into someone else’s faith and bringing them up to say grace before every meal.

A million trade offs for harmony can leave you with nothing that matters to you and you have to live as if you are part of the SC’s mother’s household. In lots of ways stepfamilies are like death by a thousand cuts for stepmothers.

@Mooshamoo The vast majority of child murders in the news lately were carried out by step parents.

I'm gonna stop you right there as just because you see in the news more about step parents murdering their step kids, actually a child statically more likely to be killed by their parents than step parents.

Let that sink in, in terms of the social narrative your buying into and why it sells more newspapers when it's a step parent opposed to a parent murdering a child.

I think people shouldn't be allowed to have kids if they are a danger, and that includes parents. Most of abuse and killings happen because parents allow it to happen by the partner they chose. That's their child, they allowed to bring harm to.

But yes evil step parents ect

Poor step dc my arse. All their needs met, two parents, step parents and both parents bending over backwards to the detriment of everyone else to give them everything.

I save my sympathy for looked after children in foster care and residential homes. Almost 30% of those children move placement (and most likely school) up to three times a year.

Step dc with everyone and their granny running round after them to make them feel better about a split that happened 10 years ago - jog on, it's pretty normal now. And I was a step child!

This is exactly the sort of thing people dismiss as trivial. But mealtimes and food are not trivial. They are almost constant events and hugely cultural. How and what we eat is enormously tied to our senses of self.

So having the results of another woman’s choices negatively impacting on the eating culture in your household and for your children is a very big deal indeed. Over time, it can absolutely destroy you. Feeling you hate constantly fighting against a lifestyle you do not want. And where there’s nothing you can do about the dominant influence in the SC’s life.

It all seems so simple to just tell stepmums to ‘be the bigger person’ or to ‘see the bigger picture’. But the bigger picture is the result of all this stuff. And you can end up as a boiled frog.

Christ didn't take long for the comments to arrive.

Firstly to all that have said this topic is done to death and aren't step parents. Question why are you lurking on a board you have no skin in the game for ? Also why don't you just say what your implying I don't want read what you have put and shut up. Or even better maybe just stop looking at things on the internet if they are upsetting you.

Op and sm every person here deserves a place to speak about these things without people coming along and effectively telling them to shut up. It's also useful for people to read about what it's actually like, and read not only from how would they feel if their children had a step parent but also what it would feel like in sm shoes.

Just because you have the 20/20 vision on hindsight re your ex doesn't mean sm does and step mum are very like mums in the sense we are not mystic Meg . He wouldn't be your ex if you had known right... the problem is people can split up for many reasons and having a ex doesn't mean they are a crap human being but crap human beings can also have ex's they don't have a sign.

This board has taught me as a mum to be a better mum and how I definitely do not want to treat my Dd sm. You may not want a sm in your children's life but it's not your choice. That is something you have up when you split up with your ex.

Children get caught in cross fires between mums and step mums because people think they have control over another house, which when you split is something you give up. Better to work towards having a good relationship for the better of your child.
A good step mum may love your child, but a great one will be able to help your child in ways you may never think without the lense of "love" and still be kind caring and a decent human being to your child.
This board is filled with sc who have been negatively effected by their parents "love" - loyality binds, Disney parenting and sometimes blind ignorance to issues that love prevents the parents from seeing (I have experience here as my DSD was undiagnosed asd for years before I came on to the scene struggling at school) it wasn't the parents were trying to be unkind it's just love can cloud your judgment. You know that saying about the wood and the trees.

Expect for your children from a step parent the level you would be able to give a sc, not some Disneyfied version of it. Don't step the bar higher for someone you would set yourself. You will only damage your own children in the process.

Having come from a step/blended family. I know what I'm talking about.

That's ok, no point arguing with frustrated step mothers on the internet. I hope you will resolve your mealtime issues and develop kindness, patience and understanding along the way otherwise your dc and sc will pick up on the tensions in your household. It must be really hard and stressful for all involved including you and your dh

@NataliesSuitcase your arguing with humans on the internet.

Frustrated humans. Imagine if I say I'm arguing with bitter ex's wives all day on here.

We are more than our titles, and some of us don't like to be lumped into one homologous group with a negative verb stuck on the prefix

Let's not 🛎 ends to each other. Not every ex wife on here has been unreasonable not ever sm on here is frustrated.

This was a lovely thread until the usual let's get into our camps and fight started. Ffs.

I have a stepDD and two DC of my own. DSD's mum isn't involved but was when DH and I were first together, and there were lots of challenges there. But even when things are very stressful, I still got positives from being with DSD.

Maybe it's because I've always liked kids. I'm a teacher and Brownieleader. I enjoyed whenever a Brownie I only saw for an hour a week lit up because she'd just discovered a new skill. So of course I enjoy when DSD who lives with us did the same! I can't really imagine not ending up with a close bond with a child I lived with, even part time.

That said, there was and is a lot of stress. I love DSD, but if DH and I were to split up I think I'd avoid getting any more stepDC.

I think the issue is the undefined role of a step mother. I'm not their mother, I'm repeatedly told this, yet I'm responsible for them and expected to perform the mother role without the label. And performing the mother role is difficult when they aren't your own, the feelings just aren't the same. That doesn't mean I don't care for them. Each interaction is a minefield due to this.

Then on top of all that family politics is a factor. I don't know one person who doesn't struggle with this dynamic.

In answer to your Q OP, I absolutely get something 'back' from being a stepmother. DSD has enriched my life and that of my children's in a myriad of ways. That doesn't mean that having a SC hasn't come with its frustrations and difficulties and extra complications.

I do think it's sad that you look at it at getting "nothing" back and think it may be helpful to think about it in a wider way. Perhaps the pleasure of knowing that you are supporting your DH/DP? The sense of knowing you are helping support a couple of young people? Even parenting one's own children can be a thankless task for some but it can change over the years.

If you really feel you get nothing from the relationship I'd consider leaving your DH/DP.

It's not getting nothing from the relationship with DP/DH, though, it's getting nothing positive from being a step parent.

Yes true, my wording wasn't clear. I meant the relationship with the DSC.

I don't think it benefits anyone involved to stay in an arrangement where one feels as the OP does. To not get any sense of positives from it can't be a nice position to be in.

Yes but it doesn't negate all the positives she gets out of being with her DH. I feel similarly to OP and not getting anything positive out of step parenting EOW doesn't mean I need to chuck the whole relationship out, most of the time DSS isn't even around!

Not to mention joint DC to consider etc, I wouldn't leave the relationship just because of not getting anything out of step parenting at this point.

so it’s better to leave her husband and have her children have divorced parents than to keep muddling through despite things?

I think it is unnatural to be a step mum, it goes against human nature
I find your OP refreshing, most of the replies too.
I find the way being a step mum is portrayed in the media a bit bloody patronising, the podcast 'blended' for example is bloody awful
That Kate Ferdinand gushing about her SC in such an over the top way.
Also I listen to 'made by mammas' one of them is also a step mum and she goes on about how wonderful it all is, even though she complains about her own kids she wouldn't dare mention how crap being a ste p mum is... that's what's so hard, no ne is willing to stand up and say that it's unpleasant and a shit situation, maybe being married to a multi millionaire footballer irons out all those problems