I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

This thread is so interesting. I feel like there's a big difference between people who like kids and people who like their own kids... Personally I think of being a kid myself, when you had "aunties" who would be involved in your life. One of my friends lives next door to a woman with young kids and she is basically in that role, but I think it's more rare nowadays and families think of themselves as very separate from others, not part of a wider community. So it's harder for stepparents to find a comfortable role.

I think if you're someone who likes and enjoys children in general, being a step mum is probably going to be okay. Otherwise, it sounds like it's really too hard to do. I guess there's a reason why fairytales are full of evil stepmothers!

I think if you're someone who likes and enjoys children in general, being a step mum is probably going to be okay. Otherwise, it sounds like it's really too hard to do

I think there are outside factors (a big one being the ex) that can still make it not okay even for someone who likes kids.

But I agree that you're probably going to just generally enjoy DSC themselves being in your life if you particularly enjoy children. I've always felt pretty meh about other people's kids. I don't dislike them, I don't particularly enjoy them either. The odd one may come along every now and then that I really do like, my friends daughter for example is just very funny and sweet and I genuinely do like her more than most other kids, but on the whole never had a strong pull towards kids.

You’re right that you’ve not mentioned you should be obsessed with your dsc’s, but you have said that you’re expected to love them. That’s a massive assumption, and one I don’t think people would really expect of any step parent realistically.

I think all most parents want is for their dc’s it be treated with kindness and consideration, with step parents respecting the fact that their dsc’s should be made to feel welcome to visit/see their absent parent when they and their parent wish to.

You say you don’t want to discuss the ‘but you knew he had kids’ debate, but I’m interested to know why you actually married your partner after knowing you were indifferent towards his kids, (It’s obvious from your posts that you’ve not had any warmth for them or interest in them from day one) or did you assume that they’d ‘disappear’ once you had that ring on your finger?

Did you not consider that there’s (although unlikely) a possibility that something could happen unfortunately to your dsc’s mum, and that they could end up living with you full time?
I understand that you may have wanted to live with your partner before marrying, and could not have foreseen you weren’t ever going to be interested in his kids, however, it was unfair, and poor judgement of you to then get married when you felt how you did about his kids.

I have to agree that being a stepparent is kind of unnatural, depending on many factors. Even though I love my SS and would do anything for them there are two main things that really cause issues:

loyalty to their mum- they feel like they have to hate me and call me names and be horrible to me in order to stay loyal to their mum especially now they are getting older, it doesn’t help that their mum bad mouths me any chance she gets to my SS and ofcourse it gets repeated; unfortunately she is bitter.

different rules in different houses- their mum lets them do what they like at hers but that doesn’t happen at ours so they are resentful of that.

I think it depends on the type of children too, all of my SS have ASD/ADHD and it is so so hard to see to all their completely different needs and diets and have a 6 month old to look after too.

it also makes a complete difference on whether you are a stepparent to resident or non resident children.

I'd never be a step parent again. Thankless and it's always assumed you're the monster.

Had an awful time of it, I know dc shouldn't have to feel grateful for basics and being looked after but when they manipulate everyone and situations it's pretty fucking shit. I remember making pancakes, exss said he didn't want them, I carried on making pancakes for my dc after sorting him the cereal he said wanted only to be verbally attacked by exh for not including his kid... the ss had gone to his dad and made out he wanted pancakes and I had said no. I hated being thought of as a monster all the time. No matter how many times ss was caught out lying about me/my dc/exh/his mum he was always assumed to be telling the truth by exh and I was the monster. I actually quite like dc and would have said before that I'd be happy to be a step mum, I like a busy house, I work with dc, my dd is a teenager with her mates over and I like it. Don't like the step family dynamics though and I'll never do it again.

Now dating a man without dc. Loving being single and if I do enter another serious relationship it won't be with someone who has dc.

You are being very honest and articulate OP . You were excruciatingly young when you married into an existing set up and became a blended family. How old are you now and how old is your dh?

What could you realistically do to prevent your dc form becoming someone else's SC if you and your dh broke up?

Your situation is different to a 40 + year old woman marrying a man with dc, it sounds like you've not had much time to live YOUR life no strings attached? to someone much older Id's say why doe there have to be a benefit in it for you? Like is not all about benefits, arguably your dh is your benefit and he comes with a complicated set up, with an ex and kids. It's not like a mobile phone package where all aspects have to bring you some benefit?

If you are still quite young. you really have my sympathy I can't imagine taking on an ex + sc at the young age of 22 . Maybe this thread and questioning things is your first step to emancipate yourself. Because I find it quite shocking that a man would marry a 22 year old and expect that person to part raise his kids.

My SM would have fully agreed with you when I was a kid. She found it hard in many different ways and we didn't get along at all. As a matter of fact, at times, I can say I hated her. Her own daughter was of course perfect and she wished I was more like her.

Life is so unpredictable though. When my sister turned 14, she became very rebellious and their relationship took a bad turn. As for ne, I'd moved away so we only saw each other occasionally and as such, our relationship became less tense.

Add 20 years, kids, moving in with life and I'm much more closely to my SM than she is with her own daughter. She considers me a daughter 100%. We get along great. I think we would have both been aghast if someone had told us that would be our future.

Relationships are often full of ups and downs.they are investments. Sometimes our efforts pay off, sometimes they don't.

I do like kids! It was never the child that was the actual issue for me. The only trouble he ever caused me was normal teenage things which was fine. It was his mother who made me want to throw myself off a cliff. I couldn't win with her. She got him to move back in with her by basically saying there were no rules at her house and he obviously jumped at the chance. I feel years of my life were wasted because he's very much taken his mums side now and has little to do with us, which massively upsets my child who doesn't understand why. He spends much of his time with his gf which is completely understandable but as a result of being able to do exactly as he pleases he is no longer the kind, pleasant teenager he used to be.

I feel like there's a big difference between people who like kids and people who like their own kids...

i really like kids. I think they’re great. Not just my own.

but still… the reality of other peoples children (and you are constantly reminded that this is what they are in big and small ways) who come to stay in your house and where key aspects of your life are determined by the preferences of people you fundamentally disagree with and with no way of changing that is a very different thing.

You find yourself always being the one who has to compromise and give up things that might really matter to you for yourself and your children because you have to do things the way the SC’s mother chose. Things like having to accept that your child will refer to Santa not Father Christmas (or vice versa) because your husband compromised on this (having grown up with the same preference as you) with his ex years ago and now things have to be done consistently for her children.

When life turns out to be mostly a set of losses like that, it’s hard to like stepparenting even if you like the children.

I disagree that it's harder for people that don't like dc. If you know you don't like dc then you can start your relationship in a disengaged way with no expectations and be happy within yourself and relationship. I went into it thinking we'd be the fucking Waltons and made loads of effort that got thrown back in my face by them all.

I’m in a blended family. It’s more complex with lots of layers. I don’t feel the same way about my SC as I do my DC. That’s probably the same for my partner. However, what all the children get out of it is a sibling relationship they really enjoy, happy parents and a stable, committed family unit with extra parental support compared to the years I spent as a single parent. Step dad may not love my DC in the same way I do but he does love and care for her and support her and I do the same for his DC. Lots of families have something complicated they have to manage. For us it’s being a blended family. It’s a lot of work but that’s ok. I try my best to ignore others’ expectations and opinions.

Surely their father should be picking up most of the slack in dealing with his own kids, and not leave the pita bits for you? He should take them out, he should make school sandwiches and he should give up his time to entertain them.

to someone much older Id's say why doe there have to be a benefit in it for you? Like is not all about benefits, arguably your dh is your benefit and he comes with a complicated set up, with an ex and kids. It's not like a mobile phone package where all aspects have to bring you some benefit?

Glad someone said this, it's what I was thinking all the way through. It's weird how you keep going on about them not "bringing you joy" or "positives". I think that's an oddly transactional and entitled way of looking at things. It's not their job to add value to your life in a way you deem sufficient. You're an adult who made choices that led to this situation, they are children who didn't.

I don't disagree that it's not their job to do any of that, and I have said as such in previous posts. They are children so obviously I don't expect that from them.

I just can't think of another scenario in my life that's so present that has so many downsides and no upsides yet you're supposed to be happy about the whole thing. Again, not suggesting there has to be benefits to me, but it is what I find so unnatural about it (can you think of anything else people expect you to like but that doesn't actually bring anything good to your life?) and why I think it's so difficult for a lot of people.

And you can say people don't expect you to like it or be happy with the situation but I do disagree. How many people who's partners are step parents would be happy to hear that your children don't add anything to their life other than negatives? I'm assuming most people would hope that their partners don't feel like that about their kids and would be hurt/upset/not with their partner if they knew that.

I prefer the Aunt approach and it works most but not all of the time.

I try to take a bigger picture approach - things are not bad in their other home just different. If you approach as Charlieand toomany does as small things being a loss then it is easy to become resentful.

I am very agnostic/atheist but SDCS go to church and say grace before a meal. We now say grace before a meal - personally find it slightly too much but seriously a small compromise for harmony.

It is tough but I think people read too much of the hype and then make their lives fit it. Too many people blame the Ex for eveyrthing and in reality there is a middle ground to be negotiated.

How many of us would struggle that much more with parenting for example if we didn't have the parental love for our children, if they weren't endearing to us or we didn't find joy in the things they do and the little moments, their achievements etc... That's not to say our children are responsible for making our lives better obviously. But they do just the same (generally). And that makes the hard parts of parenting easier and feel worth it, generally. Parenting without any of that would be a slog. Which is what step parenting feels like to me, a bit if a slog with not many upsides. It's just a realisation I've had about why I find it so tedious a lot of the time, because there isn't really anything to offset it.

What's missing is the love in the relationship.

I think being a stepparent is a really hard job. In the cases I know that seem to be happy, one parent is pretty much out of the picture and the stepparent has taken on that role, with everything that entails.

Children that are feeling anger and sadness about the break up of their family, jealousy about this stranger their father has put first, and of new half siblings arriving... that could certainly result in some difficult behaviour, which will make it challenging to manage.

But I feel really sad for the stepchildren. It must be awful to have to live with someone who doesn't love you and sees you as a chore and who wouldn't care if they never saw you again.

My home was such a safe refuge for me growing up; a place where I could be totally myself and I knew that no matter what the world threw at me, home was a place where everyone was on my team, where I was loved unconditionally. I feel sorry that these stepchildren don't have a safe nest like that to grow up in. They have an Indifferent stranger in their home and they have no choice about it.

I see that you wouldn't want your own children to have the life that your stepchildren have. I wonder if there is anything you could do at this stage to try to build a better relationship with them, that would be a source of mutual joy.

However, if your DH got remarried again, you wouldn't have any choice about them becoming stepchildren.

What do you expect to "benefit from" children?

However, if your DH got remarried again, you wouldn't have any choice about them becoming stepchildren

No obviously not. I'd do want I could from my side is what I meant.

I don't "expect" to benefit anything from them as I've already said.

But the realisation that the situation doesn't benefit me in anyway has helped me understand why I find it hard. As I say, parenting would be a slog too if it weren't for any of the little joys we get from our children. That isn't the same as saying we expect our children to benefit us or bring joy to your lives. But they do, a lot of the time, and that makes the whole thing easier and more worthwhile.

Acknowledging something doesn't bring anything to my life isn't necessarily the same as saying I expect it to. It's just an explanation as to why I find the whole thing so unnatural/hard.

My DC do love DSC yes, that is a benefit for my children. For me, it means I'm unlikely to have the opportunity for anymore DC because DH already has more than me. And it is quite different, in my experience anyway, having a half sibling there some of the time compared to there all of the time.

This is a really key point that I think deserves to be highlighted, because people are forever saying "doesn't it fill you with joy that they have older siblings?" It's really common for SPs to end up having less children than they would like themselves due to having SC so why people expect them to be happy about that I have no idea.

My DD does like my DSS and look forward to him coming, and they do play together, but they also wind each other up a lot. She's stroppier when he is there. They also have little in common and want to do different things due to age (and sex to an extent). DSS also teaches her all of his annoying habits that I've been actively trying not to instil in her, which is incredibly frustrating as a parent. Two weeks of raising her to be a great kid followed by three days of unravelling that, every fortnight.

Meanwhile, I don't get the kind of dewy eyed joy from seeing their bond that I assume parents with more than one kid get. It's just watching her play with another kid. So yes, I see it as good that she's getting to play with someone and learning a bit about compromise, but it's no more a source of joy than the rest of it is.

The thing is you are the adult and they are the child. They are vulnerable. I want to post from the other side. I think there should be very strict rules about who is allowed around Children.

The vast majority of child murders in the news lately were carried out by step parents.

If a man has a child, and then meets a new woman, i don't think that woman should be allowed around that child at all.

Of course she is going to rewnt a child that is not hers, that is a child of his former love.

It is so open to abuse. You see so many women on here talking about how much they resent their stepchild. It is all me, me, me. You are the adult and they are the child.

Yes you are allowed to vent, but OP if I asked you to write one thing about how you think your SC is feeling, could you do it?

*of course she is going to resent a child that is not hers