I've realised what I find hard / unnatural about step parenting

[Hmmmmmm1]

I was thinking about this the other day, trying to decide what it actually is about being a step parent that I find so difficult and I basically came to the conclusion that I can't think of anything else in my life that I'm expected to love and think is great but which doesn't actually bring any positives to my life either if that makes sense?

There's nothing about being a step parent that brings anything positive or joyful to my life. I don't find any part of it fun or enjoyable. It's actually a minefield sometimes but with none of the payoff like, for example, with my own DC who drive me round the bend but who I love completely and bring so many positives to my life that it's worth it.

And yet you're expected to just never complain and be constantly in love with the whole thing. It feels like quite an unnatural thing when I think of it like that.

The kids are good kids but I don't love them like my own and I don't get excited to see them or have any sort of huge maternal bond with them, it wouldn't affect my life or happiness if they weren't here in the same way it would with my own children for example and yet I have to deal with his ex, helping out with X Y and Z etc...

Basically the whole thing is like one big chore but with not much in return to make it enjoyable, I can't really think of any other scenario in my life that is like it.

I know I'll get loads of replies along the lines of 'you knew he had kids' blah blah, I'm not interested in those tbh. It's pointless arguing with people of that train of thought.

Just wondering if any other step parents feel like this? Like step parenting is just one big thankless task that doesn't really bring any positives to their life?

@MalagaNights* Children who live in a home with an adult who is not biologically related to them are 100s of times more likely to experience abuse.
This is not surprising given the psychology of the relationship.*

Just so you know statically speaking a parent is by a large majority more likely to abuse or kill their own children, than a step parent.

Your static speaks not of step parents but anyone who biologically not related to them.

Also just because it's massively unfair to both children who may have been abused or anyone actually. There is no excuse for abuse.

Just because some step parents may not "love" their step children, it doesn't mean the next logical step is murdering them or abusing them for resources and it's highly offensive to sp who don't do this to suggest otherwise.

You don't say to a mum oh you have had a tricky time with the kids, I bet your next step is murder. Come on.

Recoupling of adults may not be a child's choice but neither is their parents divorcing. I have seen kids beg their parent to get back together even when they know one of their parents has repeatedly, not only battered them but their mum/dad.
It's our responsibility to help them move through emotions, not get stuck in them.

It sounds shite so not surprised you feel this way. I dated a man for a few months who I really did start to fall in love with but the thought of one day meeting his children and always having his ex in our relationship- no thanks. Before meeting DH I did wonder if it was a mistake as he was bloody brilliant, but couldn't be happier now.

@aSofaNearYou I think to be honest the good old phrase "you can't pick family" rings true esp in blended families, you aren't going to get on well with everyone and that's ok as long as your a decent human being to each other.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers
"Just so you know statically speaking a parent is by a large majority more likely to abuse or kill their own children, than a step parent."

This is not true. Look up the Cinderella effect and then all the studies.
Children are hugely at higher risk when an unrelated adult is in the home.

And I knew some numpty who has difficulties with logical reasoning and following: A is correlated to B and there is a good theory for why that might be, would attempt to argue 'are you saying A always leads to B?? That is outrageous!!!'

For clarity: I wasn't suggesting the OP or most step parents murder their step children, but I can't be arsed explaining why my argument does not lead to that silly conclusion.

Also, our job is not to put children in shitty situations and then help them manage their emotions. It's to put their needs first.
I think we've forgotten that.

For me the most revealing thing from the OP is her admitting that having experienced the natural feelings of being a step parent, she'd avoid ever putting her own children in that situation.

"Just so you know statically speaking a parent is by a large majority more likely to abuse or kill their own children, than a step parent."

One in 1000 women develop psychosis after the birth of a baby. 4% of those mothers go on to kill a child. (1 in 25,000 mothers). And even more make attempts to kill or harm a child under the influence of that psychosis, but are interrupted. That's why we have health visitors.

Fathers who kill tend to kill their children as revenge on the mother for leaving them/having an affair.

Step mothers are no more likely to kill a stepchild than a grandparent is. Stepfathers (lauded as they are) are rather more dangerous than stepmothers.

@MalagaNights I could but you know you can manipulate statics to back up whatever opinions you have want but statically parents are more likely to kill their children (for whatever reason) so I assume your gonna poodle over to the parenting board to tell parents not to kill their kids. Right ? 🙄

But sure not having warm and fuzzy feelings for SDC = abuse/death. Righty ho

job is not to put children in shitty situations and then help them manage their emotions

Your spot on, please go to relationship posts and advise everyone on brink of divorce with kids not to leave their partners because it will put them in a shitty position.
Because blended families exist because relationships breakdown and cause a world of pain.

Just because you view blended families as "shitty" doesn't make it fact.

Side question if you disagree with blended families (so I assume you aren't a step parent) so why are you lurking on the step parenting board ? Seems like a odd move to me.. but hey I'm just a numpty right 🤣

Thank you for turning what was a fairly reasonable and polite discussion into name calling.

Absolutely! I'm definitely at peace with this, I don't think it does anyone any good to insist all SC (or anyone else) will be easy to genuinely get along with.

I don't disagree with blended families, they're an inevitable part of life. I just think we should be honest about the difficulties within them (often) and what that means for children.

I'm not a step parent but I have a number of reasons these threads are relevant to me which I don't want to disclose.

I did think 'some numpty will twist this logic to suggest I'm saying something awful which I'm not'. You obliged.

‘The Cinderella effect describes the statistical pattern where stepfathers are more dangerous than biological fathers.

theconversation.com/amp/the-cinderella-effect-are-stepfathers-dangerous-103707

It is quite widely disputed whether the statistical correlation actually exists at all. And the theoretical explanation for the pattern is even more widely disputed.

And to be clear, the evidence for an Cinderella effect in children over 4 is dubious. Mothers are considerably more dangerous (statistically) to young children than stepmothers.

But, let’s keep telling everyone that stepmothers are dangerous.

That’s not me being ‘some numpty’ who cannot understand an (apparent) correlation (in US data) and an evolutionary theory (that lots of academics do not accept) is really a long, long way from any evidence of causation.

In fact, lets describe it as a theory that reinforces and appears to confirm a range of assumptions and stereotypes that are pretty dominant in society.

That’s the level of evidence we are working with here. A correlation that isn’t as clear cut as is presented as by the people peddling who’ve been their simplistic evolutionary biological theory since 1994.

And where the aim seems to be to keep propping up that theory (because good careers have been built on it) rather than any genuine spirit of scientific enquiry where new evidence is to be explored.

rede.ecu.edu/2021/05/06/not-so-wicked/

“stepchildren are not at a disadvantage compared to their peers from single-parent households and actually experience better outcomes than their halfsiblings”

“In particular, the introduction of stepparents did not increase child mortality“

@aSofaNearYou right ? It could just be me and I'm a contrary so and so but I personally feel that telling people how they should feel often makes it less likely (not more likely) to feel the way they are being shamed into. Sm and DSC alike.

I said to DSD she was welcome to dislike me if she wanted and I wouldn't mind (because i truly wouldn't, I'm not everyone's cup of tea and I know I like me and that's enough for me) but I expected her to be polite and kind like I expect her to be with all other humans and via versa. We rub along ok in that regard as I have no expectations of her emotions, only her behaviours. If I had said you must like me and danced around her like a performing monkey, I can imagine she would have gone the other way entirely.

That said it's not been a smooth ride.

As a sm in rather grateful for another person (her sm) my Dd life to teach her things I can (it takes a village and all that).

Now would I get together with a man with kids again if hubby died. Probably not just because a lot of chances of points for failures, not because I don't like DSC. It's actually the society pressure I dislike. That said on balance I'm glad I ended up with DH keeps things "ahem" lively (those who know what I'm referring to will get my lively comment.

I think when you split up with your child's other parent you just have to hope and pray they get with someone who they would want around their children.

Mine hasn't. Well she seems unbalanced to me. One minute telling me he's been abusive to her kids ,his step children then back tracking and having a child with him. So who knows.

@limitededitionbarbie I hate to ask but real victims of abuse often do come across really rather unhinged (iMO) because of the gas lighting that goes with it ? Their heads been messed with so at first they can be very erratic.

The circle of abuse doesn't mean they abuse all the time, and sadly men and women can get stuck in it and make unfortunate choices when their partner is in the "good" phase. Anyway you probably better placed to know which way it is.
Thought I would mention it though.

Obviously maybe she's a nut but maybe not.

Stop twisting my words, and stop trying to put down my opinion by claiming I make no sense. If you actually read properly what I wrote you might grasp what I meant, although I think you cherry pick certain parts of what you read and deliberately twist the meaning behind them to try and make people look as if they’re being nasty or stupid. Not a very nice thing to do.

Also, I haven’t implied that she shouldn’t have got into the relationship at all. I HAVE said that I understand her being in a relationship with her then partner, but I do think the OP was unfair to then marry the man whose kids she knew she had zero interest in.
In other words, yes I can see she’d want to live with him, but she still got married and had kids AFTER she knew there was nothing positive to her being a stepmum.

The OP never said she had or had zero interest in the kids.

she experiences no positives from being their stepmum. It’s like a big chore. and

It isn’t nice to come on a thread painting the OP as some awful woman who shouldn’t have married her husband because it turns out that stepparenting is a big chore with little (sometimes nothing) to balance it. And then complain other people are cherry picking bits of your posts to be mean to you.

Just because I’ve said I think it’s unfair of you to have married a man whose kids you’ve no interest in, it doesn’t mean I’m implying that you must treat them terribly at all.
I imagine you do treat them with kindness when they’re in your company, but there’s a difference to putting up with a situation (you having other kids in your life because they’re your husband’s) that you don’t enjoy, instead of being with a man without ‘baggage’.
And again, whilst I don’t doubt that you’re kind to your dsc’s, you’re still finding it difficult to be a SM, even though they’re there 50% of the time, and you don’t want your own dc’s lives to be impacted by your dsc’s.

What I’ve tried to say from my point of view is, when living with your partner, did you not consider that you may have his children living with you full time one day if something happened to their mum? …. You’ve no enjoyment now that his kids are in your life as much as they are, so how do you think you would feel IF they lived with you everyday?.

It’s like a ‘big chore’

say no more.

Haven’t read all the thread so it may have already been mentioned - you said something about not seeing enough upside for the effort. Surely the upside is that you have the relationship with their father? Even if there is no bond with the SC that you have with your children?

I haven’t painted the OP as some awful woman at all. You’re another poster who obviously twists what someone writes.

Why not read my posts PROPERLY.