Daughters wedding sadness

[Piddlypants]

My dd (31)is getting married, my husband has bought her up and fully supported us since she was 12, she has a daughter who calls him grandad, she has no contact with her birth father. My daughter is not asking my husband to give her away as she doesn’t want to upset her Nan (dads mum) but my husband is so upset and sad, so am I. I’ve not said anything but feel really torn. What should I do?

You just sympathise with him up to a point but also point out that
wedding decision to have ”giving away” is optional
she isn’t really being given away and so quite reasonable to change this

Wedding day plans do not change their relationship before or after. Don’t make it difficult for her. She is not rejecting him with this choice, as she wouldn’t be rejecting him if he was her biological father. She has explained her thinking, don’t make it harder for her.

Ofgs what over-egged nonsense.
How do people cope with life being so bloody thin skinned?

Hmm. Wrong AND patronising.
Not a good look.

I don't think most independent young women would want to be "given away" by a man - it's 2022. So it's not necessarily a slight against your husband. Just enjoy the day

My dd got married recently, quite a big wedding.150 guests with all the trimmings. Big Mansion house etc, Cost us quite a bit for the food and drinks bill. The rest they paid for themselves.

Bride and Groom walked down the aisle together. A chapel not a church. Chosen purely for its age and peace and beauty and dignity and gravitas. Not religious.
Our dd didn't want to be "given away" by her father.

I'm sure my husband would have loved to walk his daughter down the aisle, but it wasn't what she wanted.

I was a bit gutted for her Dad in the moment, with all the family there. I think he might have had dreams of walking his daughter down the aisle. I know he did. And I think some guests were surprised that he didn't.

I still feel for him, although I know it's daft.

He's her dad. And he feels this way because he's the dad. He's her dad. And she is doing this because he's her dad. Her dad in her views gets her, not Nan. What does she want. This trumps the ideal wedding picture from dad and Nan. So make sure what she wants. Not all get to have fathers who have pride in them, no all girls get to have their dads at their weddings. He can have a special moment even if it's not the one he's envisioned. Whatever works for your family. To life. Congrats to the bride and groom.

My daughter is not asking my husband to give her away

My daughter did not even have her own biological father give her away at a 150 guest wedding. Bride and Groom walked down the aisle together.

Daughter objected to be "given away". Even by her own biological father.

Dad had no part to play at all, at our daughter's wedding. Apart from a banging long speech!
I did because I signed the register as a witness alongside the Groom's mother.

It's just that times have changed and you have to accept it.
She loves her Dad just the same. But he can't just give her away like she belongs to him somehow.l

Well if he can’t talk to her about it are they really that close?

Or perhaps he accepts it and doesn't want to upset her. He's still allowed to feel a little sad if he was looking forward to it but its her day, she can include who she wants.

You do nothing. It's her wedding. She chooses. Get over it.

It's rare that there's any mention of 'giving away' these days. Only the most traditional of churches will include those words.
It's now a family member, traditionally the dad, falling their daughter up the aisle, supporting her, and yes, feeling massively proud.

But it's another of those things that it's hard to understand or empathise with until you are that parent. Much as I had no idea how it feels a mother until I was one, or to be a grandparent until I was one, I'm pretty sure I had no idea how much it meant to my parents playing a part in my wedding, at the time.

As I said, I the absence of her late father, I'd love to have walked with my daughter. I 100% supported her choice to walk alone, and she never knew that I was sad not to.

@BigFatLiar yes I’m sure that would be the rationale but I think sharing the “bad” bits is often a sign of real commitment to a relationship.

Ha, yes I often see people stoop to patronising remarks when they realise they have no legitimate points to make. Clearly try to provoke a reaction to save face, poor form.

Fortunately the OP hasn’t told us anything to make us think her husband is a melodramatic narcissist or her daughter an ungrateful user so it’s unlikely to pan out this way.

Hopefully he’ll see that she’s trying to balance different people’s feelings and make the right choice, just as he’s presumably modeled for her for years.