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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Daughters wedding sadness

138 replies

Piddlypants · 26/07/2022 20:00

My dd (31)is getting married, my husband has bought her up and fully supported us since she was 12, she has a daughter who calls him grandad, she has no contact with her birth father. My daughter is not asking my husband to give her away as she doesn’t want to upset her Nan (dads mum) but my husband is so upset and sad, so am I. I’ve not said anything but feel really torn. What should I do?

OP posts:
Sunfriedegg · 26/07/2022 20:45

How does she know her Nan would be upset. Nan has clearly said something. And your daughter should be told how upset your husband is. I think your husband’s feelings count for more, he’s done the parenting and your daughter should know how he feels. You could both walk her down the aisle, I’ve seen that done a few times and it looks lovely.

Kangaruby · 26/07/2022 20:47

Say nothing, my step father "gave me away" (father died when I was a child) I felt forced to do it and wish I hadn't, which is not a reflection on him and we are close.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 20:47

Sunfriedegg · 26/07/2022 20:45

How does she know her Nan would be upset. Nan has clearly said something. And your daughter should be told how upset your husband is. I think your husband’s feelings count for more, he’s done the parenting and your daughter should know how he feels. You could both walk her down the aisle, I’ve seen that done a few times and it looks lovely.

So because nan has (possibly) unpleasantly guilt tripped her, her mum should do the same? So then she's torn between two childish relatives behaving badly rather than just one?

Give the poor woman a break! How about some of her family members prioritise her happiness over their own feelings?

Teddeh · 26/07/2022 20:48

She doesn't need anyone to "give her away"; she's 31 and has a child! She's already away. But even if she were an 18yo virgin, it's an archaic, patriarchal tradition.

Has she asked someone else besides you (or her bio dad, if he's in the picture) to walk her down the aisle? You'd get better advice if you gave details in that case. If she's opted for no one, then that's not unusual. She's an adult; let her do it her way, unless there's something really strange going on.

CantaloupeMelon · 26/07/2022 20:48

I agree with everyone else, it’s absolutely fine for your daughter to not want to be “given away” for whatever reason she likes. It’s quite an old fashioned idea anyway.

MrsTimRiggins · 26/07/2022 20:49

Octomore · 26/07/2022 20:47

So because nan has (possibly) unpleasantly guilt tripped her, her mum should do the same? So then she's torn between two childish relatives behaving badly rather than just one?

Give the poor woman a break! How about some of her family members prioritise her happiness over their own feelings?

Show quote history

Exactly!! Let’s not be daft now, let the years of a good, close, loving relationship speak for themselves over a stupid old-fashioned tradition on one day.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 26/07/2022 20:51

I think being "given away" is a dreadful concept. I loved my dad incredibly, but there was no way he was "giving me away" when I got married 28 years ago.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 26/07/2022 20:52

You don’t do anything except smile and be enthusiastic and supportive when she’s talking about her wedding plans, and you expect your husband to do exactly the same.

Maybe she’s using her Nan as an excuse and just doesn’t want your husband to give her away.

Etinoxaurus · 26/07/2022 20:52

Is she being given away by anyone? It’s a given but I’ve seen both parents walking the bride down arm in arm which was lovely!

Octomore · 26/07/2022 20:53

Everyone making suggestions about who should walk the DD down the aisle are totally ignoring the fact that she is a grown woman and she has obviously already made her choice. No-one should be trying to guilt trip her about her choices or dictate what they think should happen, because it is no one else's choice!

She might walk in alone, with her fiance, with her bio dad, her best friend.... It doesn't matter as long as she is free to choose.

chopc · 26/07/2022 21:00

I can understand how you and your husband are feeling @Piddlypants. I think weddings are a family affair and not just about the couple. Giving someone away should be done by someone who had responsibility for her and now you are "passing the baton" if you believe in tradition. She could have asked you in ahead of her step dad .....

I feel you need to explain how you feel so she has the opportunity to reflect and put it right. She may regret it in the future

CafeCremeMerci · 26/07/2022 21:06

I think it's very hurtful to a man that's raised her and been her Dad since she was 12. Presumably done all the running around & making her life a good one.

it's a shame her Nan's Son has been non existent in her life, but that's HIS decision & it's a bit like hard luck if that reality upsets her Nan.

its one thing if she decided she didn't value the tradition, and wanted to walk down alone or with her fiancé, it's quite another to tell the man that has been her Dad, that her Nan's feelings are more important that her (step) Dads.

id be having words. It's hurtful & she needs asking why her Nan's feeling are more important than her (step) Dads.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 21:07

Giving someone away should be done by someone who had responsibility for her and now you are "passing the baton" if you believe in tradition.

And what if the DD doesn't believe in that tradition? Her opinion doesn't count?

Octomore · 26/07/2022 21:10

Just a tip to those who say they'd "have words" - managing relationships with adult parents /adult children in a divorced family is really hard.

Some parents accept that their child is having to balance the two sides of the family, and accept the compromises that have to be made with good grace.

Some parents don't, and constantly complain to their child that they are being somehow short changed. They tally up who got what at every occasion, and are first kick up a fuss if they perceive themselves to be slighted.

Guess which parents the adult children end up wanting to spend most time with?

thegreylady · 26/07/2022 21:12

Don’t say anything. My dd’s father is dead and she asked her older brother to give her away rather than her stepfather. She asked my dh to make a speech at the reception and to sit at the top table. Her brother, my ds ,sat with his wife, the bridesmaids and the best man.

Peoniesandcats · 26/07/2022 21:14

Has he offered and said how he feels?

I wasn’t going to have my dad walk me down the aisle, but then he said he would really like to. I didn’t feel strongly about it either way at the time and didn’t think he would care, but now I know I would have regretted it if he didn’t.

YoYoLife · 26/07/2022 21:14

So are you saying she is asking her birth dad? Or that she has not having anyone at all give her away? Your post is not clear.

If it's the latter, you shouldn't be hurt about it and neither should he because it's 2022 and women aren't property to be given away.

WeAreBob · 26/07/2022 21:15

I don't think women need to be given away anymore. Isn't it time we just let that tradition die?

HorribleHerstory · 26/07/2022 21:18

Be thankful you have raised a strong independent woman and mother who doesn’t consent to be handed from male to male like a piece of property. Related or unrelated, it’s archaic and offensive.

SingingInParadise · 26/07/2022 21:18

If the reason why the dd didn’t want her step father to walk her down the aisle was that she didn’t need to be ‘given away’ or because it’s too old fashion. For her, I’m pretty sure she would have said it.

But what she said is that she doesn’t want to upset her Nan. Basically she has been put between a rock and a hard place, knowing that she had to chose who to upset - her step father or her Nan. It’s a crap place to be in and a legacy of her bio dad unfortunately.
For example, a question is: how much a fuss is the Nan likely to do if her step dad is walking her down the aisle?
If her birth father learns about it, would he turn up ‘just to make a point’?
Im wondering how much if balancing act it is for her

i can see why her step father is sad. I also don’t think there is a lot to say (and probably nothing you can tell her) but to remember she has tried to juggle things so she has the best day whilst keeping as many people as possible ‘happy’.

HollaHolla · 26/07/2022 21:19

The whole 'being given away' thing is an antiquated hideous practice. We are not possessions to be passed from one man to another.
Why can't she just walk in herself, and acknowledge you both as her parents, in her speech? (Please don't say it's only the menfolk who are getting to speak?!)

SingingInParadise · 26/07/2022 21:22

Btw I’m quite Shock at most if the answers on this thread.

The whole ‘but women are not given away anymore - she is a strong modern woman’ brigade ales no sense at all, apart from trying to make the OP feel bad tbh.

Whilst many women might well decide to not be given away, this is NOT THE REASON THE DD GAVE for her choice.
She chose to do that as to not upset her Nan, which is a very different take on things. And has nothing to do with being strong, independent and modern. But everything to do with smoothing things over, keeping everyone happy etc… basically what women have been taught to do for millennia….

FrecklesMalone · 26/07/2022 21:23

I would celebrate that she doesn't feel the need to be "given away". She is not a possession. It's old fashioned.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2022 21:23

The Nan thing may be an excuse. Maybe she’s not keen on being given away and feels she has to have a reason. We walked in together. No one was offended.

It’s great he’s been a good father figure but it doesn’t entitle him to take part in a tradition a lot of people now reject.

gingergato · 26/07/2022 21:24

HollaHolla · 26/07/2022 21:19

The whole 'being given away' thing is an antiquated hideous practice. We are not possessions to be passed from one man to another.
Why can't she just walk in herself, and acknowledge you both as her parents, in her speech? (Please don't say it's only the menfolk who are getting to speak?!)

This.

OP, please don't "have a word" with your DD.

As someone who got married recently I can't tell you how enormously stressed I was by requests by other people to do certain things that they thought "would be nice". If your DD wanted him to walk her in she would ask.

Honestly it completely ruined the run up to my wedding, having our parents push things we didn't want. I was so stressed.

The wedding is about your DD and her spouse. Please don't make it about what you/your DH want.

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