Page 5 | Daughters wedding sadness

Piddlypants · 2022-07-26T19:00:42+00:00

My dd (31)is getting married, my husband has bought her up and fully supported us since she was 12, she has a daughter who calls him grandad, she has no contact with her birth father. My daughter is not asking my husband to give her away as she doesn’t want to upset her Nan (dads mum) but my husband is so upset and sad, so am I. I’ve not said anything but feel really torn. What should I do?

HangOnToYourself · 26/07/2022 22:47

The idea of being "given away" by a man to another man is rank and completely out of date.

gingergato · 26/07/2022 22:47

Curiosity101 · 26/07/2022 21:59

I agreed to let my father (technically stepfather but I don't differentiate) walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I didn't want him to, I didn't want anyone to walk me down the aisle. I'm still slightly annoyed that I agreed to it to spare his feelings.

I made lots of little allowances like that on my wedding day to ensure other people were happy and accommodated - it resulted in me being anxious, stressed and unhappy after having had probably less than 4 hours of broken sleep. I was having horrible stomach pains and spent a good portion of time in tears in a back room, I didn't eat anything, didn't drink anything etc.

Personally, I don't think you should do anything except ask your DD how you can help her and her partner on their special day.

This exactly.

When I think of my wedding I remember how stressed I was due to pressure from family members to do things I didn't want.

Jewel7 · 26/07/2022 22:48

I think weddings often become about what other people want rather than the bride and groom. She has given her reason. Maybe try and respect that. I wonder what the situation is with her natural father but she is obviously thinking of others by not wanting to upset her Nan.

gingergato · 26/07/2022 22:48

Zeus44 · 26/07/2022 22:25

Kick in the f teeth, beyond a joke and clearly your daughter has her priorities wrong. Her brother father is a waste of space and his mum should also be kicked out of the wedding because of that.

🤨

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 26/07/2022 22:52

Some really harsh responses to OP who feels empathy for her DH.

Some of you need to give your head a wobble.

bellac11 · 26/07/2022 23:09

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 26/07/2022 22:52

Some really harsh responses to OP who feels empathy for her DH.

Some of you need to give your head a wobble.

Empathy for what?

Its not his wedding day

Howappropriate · 26/07/2022 23:11

Don't feed your husband's offence and sadness. Tell him it's old fashioned, doesn't really work because she is 31 and presumably not leaving the family house to move in with her new husband, and that lots of brides don't do this. Be excited with your daughter and ask if there are a jobs or role on the day that your husband could do so he feels he is helping and supporting her.
You can help make this less of a big deal for your husband in your reactions.
My step dad lived with us since I was 8- no fucking way would he, or anyone else, be walking me anywhere- I'm a grown woman!

Wombat100 · 26/07/2022 23:28

I don’t know why people have to get on their high horse about the concept of a bride being given away - some people like it, some people don’t. Neither is wrong and there’s no need to say it’s “rank” or the like. It’s an individual choice - my dad gave me away because I wanted him to, but I completely understand why others wouldn’t want that. No need to sling insults either way.

To the OP - I can understand why your husband is upset, I think my dad would have been disappointed too. However, it’s your daughter’s wedding and your daughter’s choice, so I think you need to just leave it and not try to change her mind xx

enjoy the wedding, I’m sure it’ll be fabulous xx

HangOnToYourself · 26/07/2022 23:31

Wombat100 · 26/07/2022 23:28

I don’t know why people have to get on their high horse about the concept of a bride being given away - some people like it, some people don’t. Neither is wrong and there’s no need to say it’s “rank” or the like. It’s an individual choice - my dad gave me away because I wanted him to, but I completely understand why others wouldn’t want that. No need to sling insults either way.

To the OP - I can understand why your husband is upset, I think my dad would have been disappointed too. However, it’s your daughter’s wedding and your daughter’s choice, so I think you need to just leave it and not try to change her mind xx

enjoy the wedding, I’m sure it’ll be fabulous xx

Some people find it misogynistic and offensive and are entitled to have a strong opinion on it. You are entitled to disagree but not to police other peoples opinions on it.

Wombat100 · 26/07/2022 23:35

@HangOnToYourself As I’ve said in my previous comment, I can understand the choices on both sides of the equation. I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle but understand why others wouldn’t want to be given away by their dad (or anyone for that matter).

So I’m clearing not policing opinions…..I’m just saying that comments along the lines of “the idea of being given away by a man to another man is rank” are a bit strong…..why not just respect that some people might want to be given away?

greatblueheron · 26/07/2022 23:39

You should do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And the idea that a woman needs to be 'given away' is a ridiculous notion that needs to be stamped out. They're not property, which is what the 'tradition' is founded on.

HangOnToYourself · 26/07/2022 23:43

Wombat100 · 26/07/2022 23:35

@HangOnToYourself As I’ve said in my previous comment, I can understand the choices on both sides of the equation. I wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle but understand why others wouldn’t want to be given away by their dad (or anyone for that matter).

So I’m clearing not policing opinions…..I’m just saying that comments along the lines of “the idea of being given away by a man to another man is rank” are a bit strong…..why not just respect that some people might want to be given away?

Because in my opinion the idea that a woman is property to be given away from one man to another man is, quite frankly, rank. I cant understand why any women would want to perpetuate this idea tbh. So yes you think this opinion is "a bit strong", as well.it should because it is a strong opinion that I hold.

Wombat100 · 26/07/2022 23:45

@HangOnToYourself okie dokie

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2022 23:59

Empathy for her DH? It's got bloody nothing to do with him!

Delectable · 27/07/2022 00:02

@Piddlypants so sorry that this is how your daughter has decided to ~not~ honour a man who has stood as a father for her for so long. My mum passed away when I was six and I've 3 women in my life (my sister, my aunt and our former neighbour) who have played a motherly role in my life since. I honoured them at my wedding including my dad's wife in an identifiable way as in my culture. Life is fuller with reciprocity, respect and appreciation.

I understand your husband is hurt; appreciate him and support him. If he wants to prevent further hurt he needs to take the signal/message for what it is and protect himself from further hurt. Not every man would've done what he did; let him feel appreciated. Your daughter hasn't made a wise decision. I'll suggest you have a conversation with her so she knows how you feel and you can understand her feeling and reasoning. It's a teaching and learning moment. That she is becoming a wife does not mean she's devoid of error. Perhaps she will reveal some other reason that will shed some light.

bellac11 · 27/07/2022 00:04

Delectable · 27/07/2022 00:02

@Piddlypants so sorry that this is how your daughter has decided to ~not~ honour a man who has stood as a father for her for so long. My mum passed away when I was six and I've 3 women in my life (my sister, my aunt and our former neighbour) who have played a motherly role in my life since. I honoured them at my wedding including my dad's wife in an identifiable way as in my culture. Life is fuller with reciprocity, respect and appreciation.

I understand your husband is hurt; appreciate him and support him. If he wants to prevent further hurt he needs to take the signal/message for what it is and protect himself from further hurt. Not every man would've done what he did; let him feel appreciated. Your daughter hasn't made a wise decision. I'll suggest you have a conversation with her so she knows how you feel and you can understand her feeling and reasoning. It's a teaching and learning moment. That she is becoming a wife does not mean she's devoid of error. Perhaps she will reveal some other reason that will shed some light.

Is this tongue in cheek?

saraclara · 27/07/2022 00:06

My DD walked down the aisle on her own. In her case, because her dad, my DH, had died.
Part of me was sad at her decision, because I'd like to have walked with her in his absence. I thought that she'd look sad or lonely walking by herself. But I didn't say anything because it was her wedding and her choice.
And actually she looked beautiful and almost ran down the aisle to her fiance with a huge grin of excitement on her face.

I understand his disappointment, but it's becoming quite common for the bride to walk alone or with her husband to be.

saraclara · 27/07/2022 00:15

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2022 23:59

Empathy for her DH? It's got bloody nothing to do with him!

Of course it's possible to have empathy for people other than the bride! He's basically her dad, he must care about her deeply, and the wedding means something to him because of that.

I'm one of the people saying that it's the bride's choice and OP shouldn't say anything. But it's not going to prevent his feeling a bit sad, and he's not undeserving of a bit of empathy.

BadLad · 27/07/2022 00:23

Your husband's disappointment is understandable, but some of the best support you can ever give someone is to recognise when they're in a situation where they can't please everybody, and are feeling the stress of trying to make the best of it, so you step back and make it easier for them.

StClare101 · 27/07/2022 00:29

Delectable · 27/07/2022 00:02

@Piddlypants so sorry that this is how your daughter has decided to ~not~ honour a man who has stood as a father for her for so long. My mum passed away when I was six and I've 3 women in my life (my sister, my aunt and our former neighbour) who have played a motherly role in my life since. I honoured them at my wedding including my dad's wife in an identifiable way as in my culture. Life is fuller with reciprocity, respect and appreciation.

I understand your husband is hurt; appreciate him and support him. If he wants to prevent further hurt he needs to take the signal/message for what it is and protect himself from further hurt. Not every man would've done what he did; let him feel appreciated. Your daughter hasn't made a wise decision. I'll suggest you have a conversation with her so she knows how you feel and you can understand her feeling and reasoning. It's a teaching and learning moment. That she is becoming a wife does not mean she's devoid of error. Perhaps she will reveal some other reason that will shed some light.

Of course the day is about honouring the man….. 🙄

saraclara · 27/07/2022 00:29

Has the nan said that she doesn't want your DH walking DD down the aisle, OP? Or is your DD just assuming that she'd not be happy?

Beebeebaby · 27/07/2022 00:41

Please don’t make this about you and your husband . Be the bigger people and let her have a lovely stress free wedding
She obviously loves your husband but is trying to please her Nan too which is probably hard enough without you kicking off
It really annoys me when families cause issues like this, try to be selfless and put your daughter first and accept and stand by her decision - I’m sure she will love you all the more for it .

WudYouSayItInRealLife · 27/07/2022 00:50

If the Nan has been a positive part of your daughters life I can understand why your daughter might want to try and not cause her any upset. I could imagine the Nan must feel very sad about how her son has essentially abandoned her grandchild. If I had a son that did that I would be devastated. Keeping the wedding simple might stir up less sadness for the Nan.

Will there be any speeches ?

lakeswimmer · 27/07/2022 01:06

You don't do anything. I can't see what possible good it would do to raise this. It will just make your DD feel stuck in the middle between her Nan and your DH and make her stressed. It's her day, not yours, she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. If I were your DD in this situation I'd feel like you were interfering.

I also agree with PP that being "given away" is a ridiculous concept in this day and age. DH and I married 20 years ago and walked in together even though both sets of parents were alive and at the wedding. It was no reflection on their parenting but a choice we made to travel to the wedding together and ditch any unnecessary traditions.

entropynow · 27/07/2022 01:18

Hbh17 · 26/07/2022 20:15

I don't think most independent young women would want to be "given away" by a man - it's 2022. So it's not necessarily a slight against your husband. Just enjoy the day.

I didn't want to be 'given away' in 1985 come to that.
So I wasn't.