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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Daughters wedding sadness

138 replies

Piddlypants · 26/07/2022 20:00

My dd (31)is getting married, my husband has bought her up and fully supported us since she was 12, she has a daughter who calls him grandad, she has no contact with her birth father. My daughter is not asking my husband to give her away as she doesn’t want to upset her Nan (dads mum) but my husband is so upset and sad, so am I. I’ve not said anything but feel really torn. What should I do?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 26/07/2022 21:25

I think it’s very modern to walk down on her own or she could ask you to walk with her.

Ugzbugz · 26/07/2022 21:29

Its a ridiculous tradition that needs to end. Nobody owns her so nobody needs to give her away to her next owner.

bluenameblue · 26/07/2022 21:29

Going off half the men I know, it should be the mothers giving away their sons for their new wife to baby.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 21:29

everything to do with smoothing things over, keeping everyone happy etc… basically what women have been taught to do for millennia….

And how would introducing extra guilt tripping about her stepdad's feelings improve this? It wouldn't.

Whatever the reason for her choice, it is her choice. Whether she's choosing the option that she thinks will keep the most people happy, or maybe just using her nan as an excuse as she doesn't want to be walked down the aisle. Other people just need to support her decision and stay out of it.

User135792468 · 26/07/2022 21:31

I completely understand why your husband is upset. Those saying otherwise, I’m sure would feel the same in real life. It’s easy to tell you you’re being ridiculous from behind a screen. I think it’s pretty shitty of your daughter tbh. She’s happy for him to be her dad when he’s paid to bring her up and raised her as his own. I’m sure she’s happy to accept childcare for her daughter and presents from grandad. However, here is such a significant and poignant moment for her to show him that he’s her dad (like he has done countless times that she is his daughter), and she doesn’t want to. It’s a great excuse to use the nans feelings as a reason why. I hope you’re not expecting to have him contribute financially to the wedding. If you put any money that is his towards it, then you’re as much of a cf as she is.

Babyroobs · 26/07/2022 21:33

I think it's a pretty horrible thing to do but she clearly feels strongly about it so there's nothing you can do.

MissyCooperismyShero · 26/07/2022 21:34

Sunfriedegg · 26/07/2022 20:45

How does she know her Nan would be upset. Nan has clearly said something. And your daughter should be told how upset your husband is. I think your husband’s feelings count for more, he’s done the parenting and your daughter should know how he feels. You could both walk her down the aisle, I’ve seen that done a few times and it looks lovely.

I agree. There is nothing wrong with your DH saying how he feels. Up to to daughter if she acts on it. At the moment it seems to be a case of she who shouts loudest (Nan) getting what she wants.

Threelittlelambs · 26/07/2022 21:36

I think it's a pretty horrible thing to do but she clearly feels strongly about it so there's nothing you can do

Why is it horrible? Why can’t a woman state what she wants without someone jumping on her decision? I wasn’t given away, neither were my other two sisters. Parents didn’t actually care. Rocked up had a good time and left!!

DarkShade · 26/07/2022 21:37

@User135792468 I think this is very unfair. He isn't her dad, supporting her from when she was 12 isn't even the majority of her childhood. It's great that she has a strong bond with him but especially if she feels unhappy about the practice anyway it's a good reason not to. I personally really hate the idea of being given away but will do it because of pressure from other people.

What's mad is the OP is upset at the husband not being asked, rather than the OP herself - the person who actually raised the daughter - not being asked.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 21:42

I think it is absolutely batshit to think that engaging in emotional manipulation is going to do anything positive for a relatoonship with an adult child.

And as for the transactional view above ("well we raised you/provide occasional childcare so we deserve to dictate aspects of your wedding whether you like it or not") .... words fail me.

User135792468 · 26/07/2022 21:44

@DarkShade There’s a lot of life that takes place between 12 and 31. Dealing with and loving another persons teenager takes a lot. With an extra income, I’m sure her lifestyle improved. It sounds like he took on the dad role emotionally too. Then there’s holidays, evenings and weekends, mundane running of the house, exam seasons, heartbreaks, support getting on their feet when job hunting, having a child as the Op said the child calls him grandad and everything else that life throws at you between 12 and 31. I’m sure she’s happily accepted his money and support and help over the years. I would also bet money that Op and stepdad have made a contribution to the wedding also. It’s a symbolic way of showing him love and acceptance. She’s making a big statement by not asking him. I don’t think I was unfair at all tbh.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 21:45

I am of course starting from the assumption that the OP wants to maintain a healthy, happy relationship with her adult daughter for years to come, rather than a relationship tinged with obligation, guilt and resentment.

HolidayCountdownIsOn · 26/07/2022 21:47

Many women dont want any man to walk them down the aisle, not even their dad. He isn't the her dad anyway, so he shouldn't have assumed he would be, it's her and her husband's day, he should keep quiet about this.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 21:47

My dad didn't walk me down the aisle. It wasn't a big statement in the slightest, or any slight on my relationship with him, I just preferred to walk in with DH.

Slightlystressedbride · 26/07/2022 21:47

SingingInParadise · 26/07/2022 21:22

Btw I’m quite Shock at most if the answers on this thread.

The whole ‘but women are not given away anymore - she is a strong modern woman’ brigade ales no sense at all, apart from trying to make the OP feel bad tbh.

Whilst many women might well decide to not be given away, this is NOT THE REASON THE DD GAVE for her choice.
She chose to do that as to not upset her Nan, which is a very different take on things. And has nothing to do with being strong, independent and modern. But everything to do with smoothing things over, keeping everyone happy etc… basically what women have been taught to do for millennia….

100% this!!

Without more context it's difficult to judge, so OP needs to either share more to get better advice or gently probe herself as to DD's wishes if she isn't sure.

A scenario that many PPs seem to be ruling out is that DD perhaps would like DSD to walk her down the aisle (that doesn't have to be the same as "giving away" along with a promise to obey and a dowry for goodness sake) but doesn't feel able to because of emotional manipulation by her nan.

In which case OP should definitely speak up and support DD to do what she wants on her wedding day, not make decisions that aren't her first choice purely to "keep the peace" which she might later regret!!

Surprised others don't see it like this!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2022 21:48

What should I do?

Nothing.

It's her decision and her choice. Sounds like she loves your husband but it's up to her who walks her down the aisle. If anyone.

She and her husband to be might walk in together?

Ruthietuthie · 26/07/2022 21:48

As the bride, I would like to know. There are times when I've hurt someone, honestly not meaning to, just because I hadn't realized how much something meant to them. If you approached it gently, saying that you completely respect whichever decision she makes, but that, yes, you are sad that she didn't ask step-Dad, I think that would be ok.
I say this coming from a family that tends to communicate in rather passive agressive ways - you can tell someone is hurt, but they don't say why. I would rather know, particularly if the information was presented gently.

Quartz2208 · 26/07/2022 21:48

I didnt want my Dad who has raised me to give me away because I wasnt been given away - it is an unnecessary old fashioned thing.

And she has every right to want to make sure everyone is happy.

So you both get over and enjoy your DD day

SingingInParadise · 26/07/2022 21:50

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2022 21:23

The Nan thing may be an excuse. Maybe she’s not keen on being given away and feels she has to have a reason. We walked in together. No one was offended.

It’s great he’s been a good father figure but it doesn’t entitle him to take part in a tradition a lot of people now reject.

An excuse?

From looking at my own family, this would have been the PERFECT reason to start a fight between people/upsetting people etc….

Whereas a ‘I’m a modern woman who doesn’t abide to those crappy outdated rules’ would have been a well known fact and wouldn’t have caused as many issues.

StClare101 · 26/07/2022 21:52

It’s such an outdated tradition. Your husband needs to get over it and so do you.

PurpleVioletBlue · 26/07/2022 21:53

It's a really tricky situation and I imagine she'll want to keep everyone happy and ensure the day isn't stressful. Your job is to support her. It's her day and it's not about you. When I got married my stepdad gave the 'father of the bride ' speech and my actual dad did a reading during the ceremony. No one 'gave me away' - mainly because I think it's an outdated and unpleasant tradition, but I also didn't want to choose. It's not a nice position to be in. So, I know that you and your husband are upset, but please try to put yourself in her shoes and give her a break - organising a wedding is stressful enough without having to deal with family politics on top. It won't be a reflection on how she feels about your husband, try not to see it that way.

Curiosity101 · 26/07/2022 21:59

I agreed to let my father (technically stepfather but I don't differentiate) walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. I didn't want him to, I didn't want anyone to walk me down the aisle. I'm still slightly annoyed that I agreed to it to spare his feelings.

I made lots of little allowances like that on my wedding day to ensure other people were happy and accommodated - it resulted in me being anxious, stressed and unhappy after having had probably less than 4 hours of broken sleep. I was having horrible stomach pains and spent a good portion of time in tears in a back room, I didn't eat anything, didn't drink anything etc.

Personally, I don't think you should do anything except ask your DD how you can help her and her partner on their special day.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2022 22:02

Actually @StClare101 you're totally right.

It is such an outdated a tradition. The idea that a woman needs to be 'given away' from her father to another man. Another discussion I know, but I think you've got it spot on.

maddiemookins16mum · 26/07/2022 22:03

YANBU, I can understand why he’s upset.

bakewellbride · 26/07/2022 22:03

Your daughter is free to do exactly as she wishes. If she wanted no guests and strangers as witnesses then that would be ok and her choice! I have a daughter and dh is her dad. He adores her but has zero expectation of 'walking her down the aisle' in the future or anything like that as we get that she might not even want that if she were to ever get married!

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