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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Daughters wedding sadness

138 replies

Piddlypants · 26/07/2022 20:00

My dd (31)is getting married, my husband has bought her up and fully supported us since she was 12, she has a daughter who calls him grandad, she has no contact with her birth father. My daughter is not asking my husband to give her away as she doesn’t want to upset her Nan (dads mum) but my husband is so upset and sad, so am I. I’ve not said anything but feel really torn. What should I do?

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 26/07/2022 20:11

I wouldn't say or think anything really. I don't think it's a slight on your husband or a reflection on how your daughter feels. More likely it's just a day of happiness for her and if she feels less stressed out with her nan this way then so be it. Is her father walking her down the aisle or is she going solo?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 26/07/2022 20:13

You do nothing. It’s your daughter’s day - she can have whomever she wants to walk her done the aisle or no one.

Hbh17 · 26/07/2022 20:15

I don't think most independent young women would want to be "given away" by a man - it's 2022. So it's not necessarily a slight against your husband. Just enjoy the day.

RandomMess · 26/07/2022 20:16

Is he getting to make a speech?

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/07/2022 20:16

Gently remind your husband that being walked down the isle is pretty optional now, and it doesn’t reflect on her love for him. Do not feed his sadness - it’s her day.

Gently tell her he’s really excited about the wedding, so if she can include him as she does you (when it’s bloke friendly) that would be great. Do not lay on any guilt - it’s her day.

Have a lovely day.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/07/2022 20:17

Nothing.

Who has she asked to walk her down the aisle?

Ultimately, it is up to her to decide and maybe she has other reasons and is trying to placate you with that answer. Perhaps she doesn't feel anyone needs to give her away as she is her own person? (I'm not being shitty saying that, it's a genuine reason I hear often).

I'd think about the bigger picture if you can, it's a really old fashioned tradition back when women were essentially traded. It isn't a reflection on who she sees as her family.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 26/07/2022 20:18

I wouldn't have had anyone give me away on any pretext. I wouldn't take this as any kind of slight against your husband. It's an antiquated, sexist custom and in this day and age many women are choosing not to follow it.

NerrSnerr · 26/07/2022 20:18

You do nothing. As someone who got married with divorced parents and step families it's a minefield. You can't please everyone and I still resent my mum for bringing up how terribly unfair the seating plan was for her (it wasn't- she was on the top table).

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 20:19

You do nothing. She's explained why she's made the decision she has. It'd be selfish to make it about you.

MrsTimRiggins · 26/07/2022 20:19

Oh for goodness sake 🙄 it’s not all about you and your husband. The fact she hasn’t asked him obviously isn’t a slight against him as she has clearly stated her reasoning. It’s her wedding, don’t let this cloud what should be a fantastic day.

Bonheurdupasse · 26/07/2022 20:19

If she knows how her Nan would be affected, she should also be told how sad her decision is making you and your DH.
I’m sorry, it does look like she values her Nan’s feelings more than your DH’s.

If I were him, I would think that the past years were a lie, and whatever closeness he thought there was between them was just a convenience for her at the time.

RandomMess · 26/07/2022 20:26

I would actually think she knows they love each other and that keeping her Nan happy is a small price to pay. At 31 she's had a life and doesn't need "giving away".

FabulouslyFab · 26/07/2022 20:27

My daughter didn’t have a step dad but still didn’t ask her father (divorced) to walk her down the aisle.
She and her husband already lived together so walked down the aisle together.
It was lovely

MeditationAndMusic · 26/07/2022 20:31

You don’t do anything. Just accept your daughters decision.

The whole passing of a daughter from father to another man like a piece of property is a bit shit anyway.

Don’t let it spoil things, the giving her away is nothing in comparison to years you’ve all had together.

fizzywat · 26/07/2022 20:32

In the circumstances, and IF she wants someone to walk her down, then maybe it should be YOU. No rules against it.

Has she chosen an alternative or is she going it alone?

Elsiebear90 · 26/07/2022 20:34

Please don’t say anything, my MIL made our entire wedding about her feelings and drama surrounding her ex husband and it really stressed us both out and ruined what should have been an exciting time. She has valid reasons and you should respect that.

TripleB32 · 26/07/2022 20:34

I had my dad walk me down the aisle, and my step dad as a witness. Perhaps something to suggest?

FarFarFarAndAway · 26/07/2022 20:36

I walked with my husband-to-be down the aisle, I don't like the idea of being 'given away'. It's a shame he's upset but it sounds like she's in a tricky position. If he wasn't invited at all that would be different. I think it would be a shame to create lasting problems over this if you can help it, wedding decisions often end up doing that which is against the whole idea of the family wedding.

CrowFriend · 26/07/2022 20:37

I agree with @Bonheurdupasse - She may be paying your DH the ultimate compliment of thinking that he really will understand without being hurt whereas her Nan may not. She may well regret it in due course.
I would gently let her know that whilst of course it is her decision and you’re not going to fall out over it, it is a cause of hurt to you and DH. But if that really is her decision, tell her not to worry you will get over it eventually.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 20:40

You do nothing. It's her and her fiance's day, and she doesn't deserve to be guilttripped over her choices.

She has made a reasonable decision and explained her reasoning. This isn't a slight on your DH, and it would be shitty to make it all about his feelings.

As a child of divorced parents, I know the minefield all too well. Every decision and every family event is barbed with the potential for slights and offence. Don't be the parent who makes everything shitty for her.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 20:41

Definitely do not tell her that her decision is hurtful. Because that is nothing but guilt tripping.

Ginger1982 · 26/07/2022 20:42

Is anyone walking her down the aisle? You could do it.

Ponderingwindow · 26/07/2022 20:43

I didn’t have my father walk me down the aisle. It’s a tradition that many brides just aren’t comfortable with even in intact families.

the best thing your husband can do is tell your daughter that he would like to do what he can to support her wedding and marriage and let this particular issue go.

LightDrizzle · 26/07/2022 20:44

I agree with everyone else, you do nothing and you reassure your husband that it doesn’t make their closeness any less real or valued.

Octomore · 26/07/2022 20:44

Ginger1982 · 26/07/2022 20:42

Is anyone walking her down the aisle? You could do it.

It's getting more common these days for the couple to walk in together. DH and I did.

I found that far more fitting than being "given away" by someone.

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