How do you navigate weekend hobbies? Is this cheeky?

[Rosebella215]

Just that really...
DSD (10) has since Easter started up horse-riding when she is with us on a Sunday (every other weekend). It was originally booked by me as a little treat to her as she knew I did this when I was younger and she's an active kid so wanted to give it a try. This has developed into a little routine now when she's round, and my partner has recently bought her her own hat, boots etc.
My partner has had a msg from DSD's mum today saying that DSD wants to go horse-riding every week, not just when she's with us, but she cannot afford it, as it's £30 a week (so £60 a month) and the stables are too far away from her (about a 90 min round trip), so has stated (quite rudely I might add), that my partner needs to accommodate taking her every weekend and paying for all lessons.
I'm in two minds about this, as it would be nice for my DSD, however my partner pays his ex £500 a month already (calculated by CMS). She doesn't go to a child minders anymore so no expenses there, so is it unreasonable of me to think that his ex could take the £60 from this £500 to cover the costs, and find a stable near to her, of which there are plenty.
My partner has said 'no way' but I would appreciate some other people's opinions on the matter, and how hobbies etc are navigated in your households.
Thank you

I don't see the actual need for DSD to go horseriding every single week? Of course, it would be nice, but so would be owning her very own horse and stables at both locations! No is a complete sentence.

Dad needs to say "oh I'm really pleased that dd is enjoying it so much, it's lovely she's found another hobby she loves. Unfortunately we will only be able to facilitate it on the weekends she is based here."

End of conversation.

This

What JustALittleHelpSaid.

Don't get into a discussion about it. And don't mention about maintenance...

I feel very sorry for your husband's daughter here if I'm honest.

I wouldn't take my children for horse riding lessons and buy them equipment as it's a hobby I cannot afford to facilitate.

I think one taster is fine if they know it's just a fun day out, but he's bought her equipment, she probably just wants to be like the other children there and go regularly.

Mum is probably getting a hard time over something started in your home.

I think it's really harsh for children of separated parents when they are expected to divide their life in half like this.

If mum can't afford it then she can't afford it. You have no idea about her other outgoings so don't mention maintenance.

I don’t think it’s any of your business what she does with the CMS payment. It’s entirely reasonable that your partner says no to this request.
It hopefully goes without saying, that when this inevitably comes up in conversation with DSD, that it’s not made out to be mum’s fault she doesn’t go riding when she is there - that’s it’s just logistically too difficult.

DSD hasn't actually mentioned this to us since she started, but if she did of course we wouldn't go into the financials with her.

@lunar1 not sure I agree with you there. It is a hobby we can afford to facilitate, it's something we can afford to facilitate every two weeks, and I personally think it would be more 'harsh' as you put it if she never went horse riding :)

To be fair though she has only asked and not demanded and she could be feeling pressure from her daughter to go for more horse riding when actually it wasn't her that introduced it to her. If your partner doesn't want to do it then that's absolutely fine but don't paint the ex as the bad guy either, just say to dsd that it is only something she can do when it's her weekend with dad.

What a cf!!

Why not find a yard she can go and help at win win free riding and healthy activity

My ex wanted my DS1 to do a sport which has to happen every week he pays for all of it. I put DS1 into swimming lessons so i cover all of that. DS1 then wanted to do rugby so since he started on my time I pay for all that.

we both facilitate ds1 attending on our own time. I think it’s fair if it’s a hobby or sport you introduced them too or wanted them to do if they want to carry it on then it’s fair enough you cover it but that’s the happy medium my ex and I have reached. It means I pay more over all (ex earns 100k+ and pays no maintenance) but that’s fine because it was me that wanted ds1 to have regular swimming lessons and he wanted to do rugby on my time

What would you do if DSD said to you that she wanted to go riding on both Saturday and Sunday on the weekends she is with you? Wouldn't you just say 'that's a bit expensive, so no'?

Agree with PP, don't mention the maintenance just that you can't accommodate this every weekend. Don't need anymore than that.

Yes I'm sure it would be lovely every week but she's very lucky going even once a fortnight.

Please don't bang on about the CMS payments.

I used to teach at a riding school and plenty of people came fortnightly. It's not a cheap hobby!

It's not strange or unheard of to go to a hobby like this fortnightly. It's an expensive hobby and many families which aren't blended would go fortnightly too. So as previous posters have said, I would just get DH to reply saying he's unable to facilitate weekly lessons. And that's that. There's no need for anyone to make a song and dance of it, and no need for maintenance to be mentioned.

Some hobbies need to be done every week (eg team sports), but horse riding doesn't. It's absolutely fine to go once a fortnight - in fact my DD did this, even though we're not separated, for reasons of cost and convenience. Just say no.

You need to learn that as a SM and nrp dad you will always be in the wrong.
So many nrp dads get slated for not paying for their children to do anything.

I think £60 a month for her hobby is enough regardless of where she lives. You can afford and are happy to pay for that. Lots of children from non split families only get to ride every other week as it is so expensive.

Just because DD wants to do something, doesn't mean that she can. Just tell her she can only go every two weeks. When I had horse-riding lessons as a child, that's what I did, as it was so expensive. It's even more expensive now, so no, if I were you I would not be indulging that particular demand.

I know kids who do horse riding once a fortnight or once a month or even just as an occasional thing as it's expensive so I think it's fine as it is.

I’m with your DH, “no way”.

Of course you aren’t getting it in the neck because you take her on your weekends so she’s complaining to her mother that doesn’t take her her weekends.

You need to step up and say to the child that it isn’t possible to take her more often and her mum can’t get her there.

That’s what’s behind the mother asking - to get her DD to stop nagging about it and making her feel like the crap parent.

The only thing you need to text is that when you see DSD you’ll explain she can’t go more than every two weeks.

It's so lovely that you've shared your hobby with DSD and she's taken to it so well. Don't be disheartened - Her life is richer for it, even if only fortnightly 🙂

What? OP doesn’t need to do anything, least of all speak for the ex to the DSD. What happens on the ex’s time is up to her to organise and explain if needed to her own DD. OP is stepping up plenty by sorting the hobby on her DH’s time.