How do you navigate weekend hobbies? Is this cheeky?

[Rosebella215]

Just that really...
DSD (10) has since Easter started up horse-riding when she is with us on a Sunday (every other weekend). It was originally booked by me as a little treat to her as she knew I did this when I was younger and she's an active kid so wanted to give it a try. This has developed into a little routine now when she's round, and my partner has recently bought her her own hat, boots etc.
My partner has had a msg from DSD's mum today saying that DSD wants to go horse-riding every week, not just when she's with us, but she cannot afford it, as it's £30 a week (so £60 a month) and the stables are too far away from her (about a 90 min round trip), so has stated (quite rudely I might add), that my partner needs to accommodate taking her every weekend and paying for all lessons.
I'm in two minds about this, as it would be nice for my DSD, however my partner pays his ex £500 a month already (calculated by CMS). She doesn't go to a child minders anymore so no expenses there, so is it unreasonable of me to think that his ex could take the £60 from this £500 to cover the costs, and find a stable near to her, of which there are plenty.
My partner has said 'no way' but I would appreciate some other people's opinions on the matter, and how hobbies etc are navigated in your households.
Thank you

that my partner needs to accommodate taking her every weekend and paying for all lessons

How exactly was that phrased?!

The message from Mum is basically "You've given my daughter a taste for the high life, now you deal with the consequences!"

Nope!

Go back and say "we can fund and facilitate horseriding while she is here with us. If you would like to sort out extra lessons that's lovely, but up to you to pay for and facilitate those"

CF!

Can he afford the lessons?

That's actually bonkers agree with DH no way. Before anyone gets on my case - I have done exactly the same thing with DSD and because I ride and am fortunate to have two horses so we go riding. I foot the bill in the entirety because I chose to not because I was instructed to and I am in the financial position to do this. It's incredibly nightmarishly expensive and a privilege.

@lunar1 for the first time ever I really disagree with you tbh and so would by DSD. Without me it my DSD would never have been able to do it and horses are her fav animal. Even if her parents had stayed together she would have never gotten to do this.

Every two weeks is more than enough tbh. Don't be guilted into paying because mum feels like a shit parent. Plenty of people can't afford lessons period and are incredibly good parents, regardless of finances.

Saying no doesn't make you a bad person it means you every now and then you have to say no to a kid step or not. It's not the end of the world.

Yep agree with this.

Aside from the financial aspect, it sounds like your DP would be on the hook for 3hrs in the car for picks up and drop offs on those Sundays she's not with you, it's just not practical. Presumably the stable is close to you so it's only practical for SD to go when she's staying at yours, otherwise it's too far.

Yeah like it’s in any way a ‘good’ thing

its the barest of minimums and you know it.

say no to the ex, it’s no biggie. You’re not inflicting any plans on her, she’s not going to inflict any on dsd’s time with dad.

You could take this a few ways and all would be legitimate:

Follow the rules: the child is the financial and other responsibility of the parent who has care of them, that includes all costs and time spent. If mum can't afford or get to the lessons then child cannot go, just like if no other parent were involved.

Tell her to use the £500: even ask where that all goes as that's a lot for a month and it should be going to the child specifically.

Take and pay for the child each week because you want to for the child's benefit.

Pick one and do it, but it's hardly the end of the world if child doesn't get to ride horses every single week. Children need to learn how to take "no" just as much as they need enrichment.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers, I'm normally in complete agreement with you too!

This may very well be me projecting, I experienced both the very best and very worst of step parents as a child.

I just hate that childrens lives can be seen as two parts dependent on which parent they are with. They have a whole life and shouldn't have to compartmentalised.

I think that horse riding is probably different-my children have never done it. All the activities they have done have required a regular, weekly commitment and to only do half the time would hold them back. If she isn't in a group lesson it probably doesn't matter.

@lunar1 if I can remember you had a fairly unhappy step parenting experience which I can totally get can colour things. It certainly did with me for a very long long time. You are always balanced on posts.

I think the essence of what you said is true of most parents children and even step parents in blended families. It's so far from the ideal sometimes separated families are better separate but it's still brutal in terms of the impact it has to the kids and people in the family to a degree.

It is then from my perspective since they were the cause of the pain due to splitting up to mum and dad to make sure they lessen the load for the kids.

I'm on a thread where the parent is furious that the other has booked in their child on weekend to regular activity on a weekend day and complaining it's their time with their child. Lots of people saying no don't do and so what in response to the child but you know with things like clubs parents should work together to keep it consistent if they can (money allowing). Not just refusing to take a kid to club because it's not convenient.

This is the other side of the coin iMO, horse riding is bastardly expensive, also iMO again every week for a learner would and could cause issues with hips of a youngish child. This isn't the other parent is refusing to take DSC to hobby it's just finances don't allow it every week which is fair. Mum could in theory offer to contribute but money may not allow it. And that's ok too. But she can't dictate that op has to pay for it more regularly because DSC wants it. My toddler wants to eat sweets all day but again alas she has to eat balanced meals. Saying no won't hurt.

It's often sad that the second family tends to have a higher income as it seems from this board sms tend to bring their own assets to the marriage/higher incomes and it can feel terribly unfair. It is unfair but life isn't fair and although there are posts like op who are trying their best to give their DSC experiences they wouldn't have otherwise we have to as step mums be respectful that mums time is mums time and she nor sm can dictate what happens on each other's time and the weight put on on families shoulders.

Creating a them vs is damaging ultimately to the kids and that's what mums doing here and honestly as a mum (not a sm hate on atm) im judging her hard. Not for wanting DSD to do horse riding but from not setting reasonable expectations with her child and passing the buck.
If you think about it that passing the buck isn't going to bring more for DSD, quite the reverse if she makes it hard enough.

All just my opinion obviously. It's hard. It's all bloody hard

I would like to be Kate moss but alas I am not.

Yup this.

If mum wants her to do it on her time she needs to cough up.

Oh come on. Its just the same as if she lived with dad full time and went every other week.

Mum can do this if she wants to on her own time

To put another perspective in, perhaps the DM doesn't realise that it's quite common for DCs to only have fortnightly riding classes because of the costs and isn't aware of the possibility of hip issues from going too often.

She maybe just thinks it's a deliberate measure to make her cough up the other weeks and spend time engaging with a sport she finds pointless.

If she brings it up again, it may be worth mentioning that there is no expectation that DD goes more than once a fortnight.

Please don't mention the CMS amount though - that's a dickish move.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers such a thoughtful and balanced post. You've nailed it - as you always do!

Why not find a yard she can go and help at win win free riding and healthy activity

I saw this and had to jump in again (sorry all) because it's good advice but careful, if you don't know the stables these places can get cliquey. Some stables aren't a environment I would jump into without knowing the people well. It's not to say horsey people aren't friendly (we are a lovely bunch on the whole) but I do know of some places I absolutely wouldn't send my Dd to because of what they are like. Really you need a in with someone who knows someone and can speak frankly about the stables to go to avoid.

Only saying this in case anyone thinks Brillant I will suggest to Dc and it be one of the less friendly places or worse ones who don't treat the horses well.. it can be a rather cut throat brutal industry and the way some speak of horse would be harming to young ears. For example my horse was a ex race horse that I took in because his owner was going to shoot in the head due to "being lame" or send to the glue factory (he isn't lame he just can't race he can hack out ect) and they will put it as bluntly as that.

@harriethoyle your fair to kind and honestly been at the coal face for what feels far far to long. What's that Russian saying "the same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg".

I think that horse riding is probably different-my children have never done it

I did horse riding throughout my childhood. It's very common to go once a fortnight rather than every week due to the expense. Or as PP said, work at the stables instead if you're old enough.

I think horse riding is either a once every now and then hobby or a lifestyle really. That's how it tended to be at the stables I went to. You had two groups, the ones who came every other week as a hobby and then the others who owned their own or worked at the stables. I knew very few who saw it just as a hobby and came religiously every week like you would with football practice for example.

Totally doesn’t need to be every weekend and DH did the right thing by not imposing it on his ex. So if it’s a request from DD then a simple no is all that’s required.

If the ex is keen to extend the hobby and is trying to get DH to pay then that’s just a simple no, too.