Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

the fact that she's rebuffed every compromise including the offer of paid childcare (which would allow her to keep to whatever she was planning to do with the time, whether work or personal)

agsin, he’s offered to pay. He’s not doing the leg work, is he? He’s not actually sourcing that childcare, or doing the dropping off and picking up? He’s just paying for it. And no, just because there might be childcare, you can’t assume it would automatically cover the hours that the ex needs it to because you have no idea what she might be doing! You are filling in the gaps and joining the dots to suit your version of potential events. There are very few actual facts here, other than a father who expects his ex to pick up his parenting slack for an indefinite period.

The op works in law not her partner. And she didn't say she was a lawyer, just that she worked in law

when my ex was in hospital said don't worry about it and even worse I moved contact around when he needed to for his work. You know why, I love my Dd more than I want to prove a point to my ex but mostly I did it out of the kindness of my heart ☺️

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

out of interest
if you couldn’t help out and change the agreed arrangement to help him out for work reasons. You really genuinely couldn’t. You didn’t want to tell your ex why because…. Well, he is you ex and it was for a personal reason.
Would he have judged you and harangued you?

If you say “you work in law”
you’re not a lawyer
if you were, you would say “I’m a barrister / solicitor / lawyer”

And quite honestly if he did refuse to have them 'because he can and it's not his time to be responsible for them' I imagine he'd be being called all the names under the sun by most on here
The issue here is not so much the request but the fact that he took it for granted. He did tell work that he needed to see if he could make arrangements for his childcare responsibilities first, he agreed to the nightshifts (worse if he actually put himself forward for it) and then expected you or his ex to find solutions for him.

You might benefit from this arrangement too if he gets paid extra for the nightshifts, or it puts him in a good position for a promotion soon and increase in salary. The ex gets no benefits from it at all.

Personally, if my OH had acted as yours did, I'd be majorly pissed off with him. He acted totally selfishly.

@Ohthatsexciting tbh I don't have that type of relationship with my ex so I can't related tbh, I would be honest. Before anyone says it 🙄 me and him split up on incredibly bad terms but we have gotten to the stage that actually we have put anything like that aside and communicate for the welfare of our child. He saw me at my weakest so I don't pretend that I have any vanity in terms of topics that are off limits.

But since that's not exactly what you asked I will play ball. I would be expecting him to sort it and if he couldn't I would obviously be the next person in line to help and reach out to my network to help (which on certain days I did in the past) or looking at childcare options which I would expect him to contribute too. If say he was putting it on my Dd sm to help and she couldn't for whatever reason (I would also be judging him to).

We made Dd the buck ultimately stops with us. I don't understand how you can make a kid with someone and then not able to be Frank and honest with them (abuse aside obviously)

But when you lose a child your perspective changes iMO

It's not really about who has the most time and the least pressured life, it's about the message it could send out to the kids that they are not wanted there. They may be thinking that they are not a particular burden and that they could help OP by reading stories to the little ones. Surely they can help by reading to their tiny siblings and bathing them?

Not all preteens act like that, at all, many would be mardy and demanding.

Precisely

Your ex would respect your response if you said that you could not help if he has work logistical issues (and you didn’t tell him why because for whatever reason, personal or otherwise, you didn’t want to) - he would not harangue you as is the case here it would seem

Whereas this ex was asked
She said no
and has been harangued by the sounds of it ever since

the fact she hasn’t given what the op regards as a valid reason doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one but she doesn’t want to reveal to her ex and his wife!

@Ohthatsexciting not quite that actually sorry maybe I wasn't clear.

I would work with my ex as a the other parent to find a solution from my side and his. And I would communicate with him and I would tell him the reason (and maybe that's unusual but as I said he's seen me at my worst so I have nothing to hide and recongise this is a quirk of situation).

But we would come up with a plan together as a joint unit for our DC. We didn't stop being a team in that regarded when we divorced as we committed to DC life for as long as we live. We just stopped being married, doesn't absolve me from that responsibility.

I certainly wouldn't be saying as op has said multiple times oh sm can do it as you married her or go your problem, your issue.

I'm not sure where the haranguing thing has come from tbh. Op hasn't mentioned that and that would be a assumption. That said there is a issue that needs to be addressed that that is regarding their joint child so I don't doubt it's been spoken about.

But Sm is pretty much in nicest sense irrelevant. Sure you can ask step mum, much like you can ask grandparents or friends for childcare on both sides. No one is more duty bound to give it because of their position because they are not the parents, they are family but not replacement or defacto parents . The buck then ultimately lies with the parents.

Sm are in my view more like a kindly aunt. I can ask for a favour but I'm not owed one. And if I treated my aunt like she had to do it regardless of how she was feeling, I would expect all flexibility to be off the table.

The only thing you are owed in this life is death. The rest of it is sheer sodding luck.

OP - so what is happening now? Have you gone to your parents? Are the SC at yours?

not sure where the haranguing has come from

He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home etc

it sounds like he’s harangued her to me

That’s a quote from the op btw @pitchforksandflamethrowers

@Ohthatsexciting to be honest that sounds like a dad trying to work out a situation with mum and mum saying no and keeps mentioning op (which to me is trying to drag in someone else and pass the buck)

That said both are speculations. However I disagree with the point which is - this is something dad and mum need to communicate and sort out as parents. He's coming up with suggestions and she's come up with one.

Can't believe I'm gonna say this here but SM in this situation means diddly fuck all.

I am confused

do you agree or disagree that

SM is irrelevant
DH had a right to ask
Ex has a right to answer and not elaborate why

because that is my view

Going back some posts but @pitchforksandflamethrowers you’re not correct according to the OP’s posts that the mother rejected the father’s offer of having them at his house with an overnight sitter.

That would be a reasonable solution. What the father has proposed all involves the SDC being at the mother’s house at times when they should be at their father’s.

We also know that the OP has said the SDC can’t be at the house when their father isn’t there. This sounds like a blanket ban and maybe the father took it as such, but perhaps the OP would be fine with them being there is a sitter was also there for them. We don’t know, the OP hasn’t said.

One more thing.

The OP wants the ex wife to have the kids on their fathers days

Whilst

She &'the father enjoy the extra money from the extra shifts.

Unless I missed the part where he is "actually" obliged to do this work & the money isn't needed or wanted & he's offered it all to his ex wife to facilitate.

I would be willing to bet everything I own that the OP wouldn't agree to an overnight sitter in her house with the kids.

She's blanket refusing. (Her perogative)

Her & the father will benefit from the money &'ex wife is STILL (despite divorce ) having to fix his shit.

The internalised misogyny on this thread is something to be seen. 🤮

The internalised misogyny on this thread is something to be seen

Agreed.

The willingness to bash the ex and not the DH is depressing.

I would work with my ex as a the other parent to find a solution from my side and his. And I would communicate with him and I would tell him the reason (and maybe that's unusual but as I said he's seen me at my worst so I have nothing to hide

Unfortunately, I learnt early on in my separation that any information - good, bad or indifferent - my ex had about me was twisted and turned at some point to hurt me or used as a means by which to control my movements, my ability to work, to pursue a relationship or even friendship. Like many others, I suspect, my social media is locked down, my life is a closed book and he has sod all knowledge of anything at all that can be used against me in some way. I am tight-lipped with my children also about what is going on, where I'm going, who with etc.

My life has precisely fuck all to do with him and.thr latest partner. And he hates it, which is just how I like it. There is no need to share anything at all with an ex.

This is the children's home. Seems like the best solution would be hire a nanny for the hours the kids are home and dad isn't so they can stay and sleep in their own home and dad can pay for a live in nanny to meet their needs. Dad has the duty of care for them even when he isn't home. I assume Op will be fine with a childcare provider living in the home with them given she doesn't want anything to do with his kids or to even have them sleeping in their own home in their own beds if dad isn't home. You bring a child care provider in, you don't boot the kids out of the house over night. A live in nanny could work out well. She would 100% only be for his two kids.

I'm sure I did a prefix and say (although may have not been clear) - if abuse happens whether bodily or emotionally obviously you can't communicate neither should you (iMO) with a abuser. Sounds like you are in that camp.

My ex DH although a questionable partner to me, was never abusive in anyway. Which is why we are able to do what we do.

If not abusive then I do think still communicating is the best option for the sake of the kids. But this doesn't mean Mum becomes default childcare.

Btw I'm sorry for your ex being a 🛎 end for what it's worth.

@DuchessDarty then I stand corrected. There's been to many posts on this thread and I cannot be arsed to scrolll so will take your word for it

I think this could be solved by a dammed nanny or some holiday clubs or something. Something that doesn't involve either women being the only available bloody people to look after children if DP isn't available.

Mum doesn't/can't do it fine, sm can't do it fine DH can't do it fine - accept all of these are true (and fair and true) and look at other options. No one gets anywhere by polarising on these topics.

Yabu op.

Not for refusing yourself but expecting the ex to pick up the slack. It's your OH problem and instead of chucking money at the situation he needs to do the donkey work and sort overnight childcare himself.

I hope the OP has packed up her children and gone to her parents for the duration of her husbands working nights.

She is not his childcare.

Clearly the flexibility is one way.

I would be revisiting all flexibility on your behalf OP and focus on minding your very young children and FT job.

You have a lot on your shoulders.

Your husband needs to revisit his arrangements with HIS ex as they are clearly not working.

Stop being in any way involved.

If the dad is supposed to have the kids during the time in question, then the Ex
is in the right to expect him to have them.
I agree both the Ex and the OP should not be expected to sort his issue. What’s complicating the situation is that the Ex has asked many previous favors of flexibility, which have been granted, but is not being flexible in return She set a precedent that she is not herself following.

Perhaps the Ex foresees a slippery slope of being asked to do more than 50%, and doesn’t want to set a precedent of this, lest the situation not revert back and this become a routine expectation?

I can understand why the Ex doesn’t want to reveal information about “why” she can’t accommodate and have the children.
The information/justification will be (and has been on this forum already) sliced and diced, argued against, used to her disfavor in the argument to make her “no” invalid (“what kind of mother would…”). It is truly better often to just say “no” without adding further information. “No” can be a complete sentence especially when said to people who want to change it to “yes.” The OP also has the right to use “no” as a complete sentence to protect her rights!