Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

But people seem to think she should not be able to say no. It’s somehow their right to be there so her duty to look after them.

Yet, not doing this duty is framed as being unwilling to do her husband a ‘favour’. It’s clearly not a favour when it’s an expectation and duty.

@feistyoneyouare if you read my messages to which @aSofaNearYou replied you will clearly see me state (numerous ) times that it's a massive favour.
The only person in this scenario that should be moving mountains to deal with this is the man who seems happy to lump it on the two women in his life.

Of those only one of them loves him.

It's Firmly his problem. I make the point his ex wife owes him fuck all.

Equally I could say if your ex and you aren't dedicated enough to your kids to do what's best for them even if it means doing each other favours, that's fine. But most are.

But the other woman is the children’s mother. she might not love their father. But she is their mother. And she feels maternal love for them.

all the stuff about duty and responsibility applies very differently to a mother than to another woman.

@aSofaNearYou

Nah. Most women don't help out their abusers. So I'm calling bs on your silly comment. 👍🏻

Also @aSofaNearYou the mother in this situation is doing the absolute right thing by her kids.
As per the 50/50 agreement they re with their father on those days. You know their other parent.

His problem.

@beachcitygirl right but if your approaching it from from lens of abuse with every post (whether the situation is similar or not) and applying that logic to every situation your gonna end up with a very warped logic that doesn't make sense.

I'm with sofa though , esp with abuse victims most mothers would put their child first and would jump at the chance to keep their children away from the abuser. Not be like nah I like my time off off you go ... obviously different strokes different folks.

Probably shouldn't be throwing rocks at other posters.

See how your logic doesn't fit.

You have been pretty unreasonable on a few threads now threads.

Also just to be really care - this is a DH and Dm issue. Period

Also @aSofaNearYou the mother in this situation is doing the absolute right thing by her kids.

Not sure about that. If the mother's actions split this marriage, her ex may no longer have a roof to put over her childrens' heads. A court will not expect Dad to maintain 50/50 from a room in a shared house.

It’s amazing how much ‘poor kids’ gets thrown around in relation to stepfamilies where SMs have boundaries. Yet, apparently it’s not ‘poor kids‘ when their parents are saying ‘not my time; not my problem’.

It’s totally OK to view your motherhood as part time, and not feel any sense of responsibility towards your own children when it’s their father’s time. Apparently. 🤯

Typical mumsnet expecting fathers to be equal parents when they want 50/50

It’s totally OK to view your motherhood as part time, and not feel any sense of responsibility towards your own children when it’s their father’s time. Apparently.

Apparently it's also fine for a father not to feel any sense of responsibility towards his own children even when it's his own parenting time, let alone the mother's, and to try to palm them off onto someone else (either mum or step-mum).

Why go for 50/50 parenting if you don't actually want 50/50 responsibility and you see your children as optional depending on your work commitments?

I mean, it’s some parallel universe where the SM is told that the ‘not my monkeys; not my circus’ attitude is abhorrent. But apparently their mother can take that view if it’s not her half of the week. They are her monkeys. Literally. Her children.

And, whatever the circumstances of the break up, the ongoing co-parenting issues with her ex is her circus.

@beachcitygirl Your opinion is clearly coloured by the fact your situation involves abuse but I am not talking about your situation specifically.

You don't seem to be willing to think about the point I'm making beyond that.

I'm not arguing that this isn't primarily his problem to solve. But beyond him, put bluntly, the main person with any reason to care that the situation be solved is the ex. These sort of things are not just HIS problem, they are also the kids problem.

It's disingenuous to say that the only person that should and could be "motivated by love" to do this favour is his partner, out of love for him. The ex could also be motivated by love for her kids, regardless of whether it's HIS problem. She is the secondary person with a reason to be bothered about this.

The husband/dad is this case is NOT an abuser though.
He has 50/50

My kids don't see their dad at all. A lot of people feel no responsibility to their ex if he can't arrange childcare
Especially one who fought for 50/50

This excuse of a dad is expecting both women in his life to carry the can

Only one is married to him.

You're perfectly within your rights to think his ex wife should still be responsible for his bad planning/disorganisation/irresponsibility

I disagree

Not quite sure why you think that makes me unreasonable.

Some posters on here are SO anti-first wife's they can't help themselves.

I'm both an ex wife & a step mother. So can see both sides

As so often on here OP has a dh problem.

Because when your flexible like dad has clearly been there is a understanding that it goes two ways. It's not permanent solution but.a temporary one

He doesn't have to pay maintenance but he is, shit does sometimes happen. If you can't be reciprocal to the person you chose to make children with, maybe you should rethink your life choices and stop acting like the world owes you a favour when your choice got you here ?

Personally if people can't work together, all favours, maintenance stops. Then let's see how flexible people can be.

That’s not OK either. Loads of us have suggested that the OP bugger off to her parents’ house.

It’s not 50-50 parenting. It’s 50-50 contact time. They are both still the children’s parents 100% of the time. It is always their monkeys and their circus. Always.

If he is letting her down and she’s having to pick up the slack, then the children’s mother can be annoyed with him and seek to alter the contact arrangement.

Actually, if he’s been in his job less than 2 years he can be let go without reason

I did read them, but comments like 'I just personally think a current partner more likely to help', 'I would want to make his life easier if I could' and 'I wouldn't want to cause him a moments stress because he gives so much more than he asks' are imho at odds with what you say elsewhere about childcare being for the father and only the father to sort out. Because you seem to be implying a good wife/partner will willingly shoulder part of the load.

A lot of people feel no responsibility to their ex if he can't arrange childcare

do they feel no responsibility towards their children? Or to mitigate the problems the children experience as a result of them choosing a shit father?

Another woman being married to him doesn’t change that.

I am so surprised that some parents would rather their children were with literally anyone else as long as they don't have to have them.

I do agree it's OP's DH's problem though - if he didn't think he could leave his children with OP, he presumably would have had to insist on not doing these extra night shifts as many others would have to in his shoes.

It is a shame the ex is not more flexible but that is something for OP's DP to remember going forward - no more favours for her.

My whole point is that the father (mostly) isn't the one being scapegoated on this thread, the OP is the one coming in for the most criticism. It's Mumsnet misogyny at its finest.

All these posters arguing if it's the OP or Ex being unreasonable and not giving the kids dad a second thought. Beggers belief. Not only is he expecting the women in his life to organise his time (chucking money at the problem isn't sorting it out. He needs to make the arrangements), he's got random strangers ignoring the fact it's his responsibility to sort childcare on his time.

I think you and your dh need to work together as a team on this. It is his problem, but as his wife, you can help him in the short term. I would play the ex at her own game. If both parties can’t be reasonable and work together, then any maintenance that isn’t required needs to stop immediately. He has them 50/50 so in theory shouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I would tell dh that you will step in and help but on the condition that he is to stop paying voluntary maintenance immediately. Any money that is court ordered or that he is obliged to pay must be paid. I would also make very clear to the ex, that you will not be stepping in if she ever needs any help with holidays etc.

At what point do some posters think: you know, I love my children much more than I hate my ex?

i can’t imagine deciding that the most important thing was ensuring I didn’t do my ex a favour. Even if he’s utterly useless and couldn’t be arsed to arrange childcare, I’d always choose to make sure my kids were fine. In fact, I’d be more keen to look after them, given I couldn’t be confident he was making acceptable arrangements.