Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

None of us know the details of what is going on in the ex's life nor what she is doing on the four days a week she doesn't have a job. So we have no idea what she does with her me time - just that there does appear to be some.

What we do know is that the OP has no me time, and insufficient time for sleeping, eating or exercise.

I, personally, would refuse sole, simultaneous responsibility for a baby, a toddler, and an 11 and 13 year old that were not mine. And so, I suspect, would many childminders!

Wow she sounds like a PITA. I couldn't imagine trying to try and force this on @Nights11 I could understand if she needed a break one night or had pre arranged plans and asked you nicely if you would take them for just one evening (but still your prerogative to say no) but a flat out refusal would piss me off.

I sincerely hope your DH stops paying maintenance this instant, as well as no longer providing her extra (unless he charges her for the additional nights at maintenance rates). Then maybe she will be more amenable to helping each other out.

@Ohthatsexciting There will be a valid reason rather than just this rather pathetic sounding Dh giving extra out of the goodness of his heart.

Know plenty of dad/and mums that have their kids 50/50 and give regular maintenance to the primary carer giver and were never married or been in court.

It's called putting your child first and your feelings about your ex second. The money is for the children. Period.

Just because you have set your bar on the floor for all men, doesn't mean it's the rule for the rest of us,

The fact that you think a dad paying for his children, just by the fact it's the right thing to do and calling it pathetic says more about you than you could ever know.

It's a hint to raise your standards .

My ex is a very high Earner and gives me way over the CMS

why? For the specific reason that otherwise the children will have a very different standard of living whilst with their mother

my Point is that for no good reason other than out of the goodness of his heart, the dh gives extra money to the ex… bull shit.

if he does - there will be a reason and not just he’s lovely

why? For the specific reason that otherwise the children will have a very different standard of living whilst with their mother

Actually, that's a lovely reason for giving more than basic. I don't know why you dismiss it as nothing. It shows he really cares about his kids, and hasn't lost all respect for their mother.

But he doesn’t give a hoot about his ex.

otherwise he would have let it go when she said she was unable to change contact to accommodate him. But no - clearly he and the op have been leaning very heavily on her.

stand firm ex! The children are under their father’s care. You have nothing to worry about in terms of their care (unless of course you did before this shit show)

@SpaceshiptoMars I’m not suggesting for a moment the Op should look after four kids simultaneously. I think she’s absolutely right to say it’s too much for her if that’s how she feels.
It’s still not the Ex’s fault. She has a 50/50 arrangement and is happy to stick to it. She is not to blame for Dad’s change in circumstance.
If he asked to swap a day here or there she may well have accommodated that. Asking her to indefinitely take on his parenting commitments is not fair to her or the kids.
If he’s so flat out he can’t even help with the kids he lives with full time, when is he job hunting?
This is more long term if he is relying on a change of job. So not fair to compare the odd day and not fair to bash the Ex.
The kids also deserve consistent time with their Dad.

ex is a very high Earner and gives me way over the CMS why? For the specific reason that otherwise the children will have a very different standard of living whilst with their mother

my Point is that for no good reason other than out of the goodness of his heart, the dh gives extra money to the ex… bull shit.

Only a severely entitled person thinks that ex trying to maintain equal standards across houses for the children and paying way over the amount could discount this not as a good thing.

I mean theoretically actually it's both parents responsibility to maintain a child's standard of living across houses (not just the rnp). Maybe if you don't think it's a good thing or anything special he should just give you the CMS amount and you up your earnings ?

No shocker. Maybe when you speak from a place of privilege you should check your own bullshit before you come calling out others. Again though raise your bar ?

I say this as a mum who gets the basic amount of CMS and when my ex was in hospital said don't worry about it and even worse I moved contact around when he needed to for his work. You know why, I love my Dd more than I want to prove a point to my ex but mostly I did it out of the kindness of my heart ☺️

@Heatwavenotify It's nobody's fault that the Dad's work has suddenly become incompatible with family life. We don't know what he does. Imagine if he were a fireman - do you think he could refuse to work away in this hot summer? Sometimes jobs are such that they have to take priority, and you have to give a minimum of 3/6 months notice. Military stuff ties you in for even longer.

What appears to be Dad's fault is piling more and more onto OP's lap as his responsibilities increase. I suspect he volunteered the OP's time to the ex without any consultation, and the ex bit his hand off for it! I also suspect the children are a bit of a handful and that's why the ex wants time off.

The end result being that OP flees to her Mum's for the summer and who knows what happens to the DSCs. Some exciting residential courses would be win-win, but the best ones are probably booked solid by now.

In this situation, I'd be mighty pissed off if I was the OP, and the proposed solution was my Mum taking my baby and toddler for the duration, and me minding the ex's kids single handed!

@SpaceshiptoMars I’m not about to start imagining the Dad is in the emergency services or military to excuse his inability to find childcare. The Op made it clear his work were short staffed. That is all.

Not about to imagine that he’s at risk of losing his job because he’s not been there two years either. That would have been mentioned if that was a possibility.

Not about to assume that the kids have behavioural problems. Or the mother is selfish and doesn’t care about her kids.

Don’t agree the majority of the people are piling on the Op expecting her to suck up his childcare, poor stepmom. Typical mumsnet thrown around.

All the above suggested and more on this thread.

Nobody should be bashing the mum though and I hate to see women slagging other women off because a man won’t sort out his responsibilities. The problem is in the Dad’s household. I do agree with you that there are other solutions. He just needs to think outside the box, like camps as you suggested.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The older children view your place as their home, one they are at for half the week. It will be like being barred from their home. I expect that they think that they have built up a relationship with you, over what must be at least three and, more like six years, of knowing you, and they will feel hurt and aghast that you can't tolerate them in the house. Because that's what it is: 'its tolerating them in the house: which they see as their home. You don't really have to care for kids if that age. They probably sometimes go to the park on their own, together. You just need to be the responsible adult in the home. Saying 'No' will hurt them, and after so many years of knowing them - again, it must surely by at least five years, going on the ages of your kids - they must be found of you and think you like to have them around.

But that said, I'd be surprised if, once the emergency is explained reasonably, their mum couldn't stretch a point, maybe, with a compromise built in: for one day, say or they get to you later. If you indicate that this DH work emergency is going to go on for two months, then she will think 'No'. And that you are altering a formal and defining custody arrangement .50:50 means the kids feel that they have 2 homes.

A lot of conclusions being jumped to here, both in terms of how the children will feel and how easy they will be to look after.

Why is the Ex to blame here?

Put it this way: if the OP's DH was single, do you think she'd have been so rigid about refusing offers of paid childcare as an alternative while he's working?

Of course she wouldn't, because that would have been the only available option.

She's sending a message about her expectations of the OP.

@feistyoneyouare Put it any way you like. Your comment is ridiculous. You have absolutely no idea what the Ex would do in a hypothetical situation which you have just created. 😂

What's your theory on why the ex won't budge, then?

@feistyoneyouare I wouldn’t know. Perhaps she knows ‘short term’ could end up being months, a year. Maybe she is fed up being expected to drop everything because the Ex has decided she must and doesn’t want her life controlled like that. Maybe she has struggles of her own. She could have commitments she can’t get out of. She may just need the Dad to be a Dad and prioritise their kids for once.

My point is there are many reasons why she may have said no. You hear one side and make assumptions about a woman who no doubt made the best decision for her family unit based on her circumstances. Just like the Op needs to make a decision that is best for her and her family unit.

The Ex isn’t in the wrong here. She is the one sticking to their childcare agreement. There is a problem to solve but that problem lies with the Dad. I’m sure he’s more than capable if he has four children to raise, to sort childcare without requiring the women in his life to fix it for him.

You hear one side and make assumptions

To be fair @Heatwavenotify it could be argued that this is what you've been doing over the fact that the dad has to work. As pps have pointed out, he might be in a position of losing his job if he doesn't. He might be trying to earn more to be a better provider and better able to afford maintenance, which is surely something his ex should be able to get behind. You referred to it a few posts back as 'boosting his income' which makes it sound optional, in the current economic climate it may simply be a matter of making ends meet.

Despite your unwillingness to speculate on the mother's reasons in this scenario, I think you've formed a pretty rigid view of the father's.

@feistyoneyouare Absolutely not. The Op said they were short staffed. Never mentioned his job was at risk. All of those points would have been mentioned in the Op’s original post had that been the case. Bottom line is, it is boosting his income. Hence why he is offering to throw money at the situation.

It’s not really the point though. Everyone is suffering a cost of living crisis and a lot more people are struggling mentally over the last couple of years. Peoples lives are complicated and some people manage what they expect to manage and can do no more for their own reasons.

I just stick to the facts that are laid out. I don’t start imagining scenarios. Sometimes you have to just look at it practically and work out what options are available to solve the problem. Not start pointing fingers at the mother for something that wasn’t her responsibility in the first place.

@Heatwavenotify I hate to break it to you but op said exactly this in her posts...

I don’t start imagining scenarios

I hate to say it as it could have been a oversight on your part, but given what you put below that's exactly what you just did.

You referred to it a few posts back as 'boosting his income' which makes it sound optional, in the current economic climate it may simply be a matter of making ends meet

and why would that be any different for the ex? Why are you so sure she doesn’t have to make ends meet?that she isn’t using this time to just relax?

It's not really about who has the most time and the least pressured life, it's about the message it could send out to the kids that they are not wanted there. They may be thinking that they are not a particular burden and that they could help OP by reading stories to the little ones. Surely they can help by reading to their tiny siblings and bathing them?

When I read some posts relating to: ' Who is the mega-busiest?', I always think that the descriptions have been carefully loaded with factors which make the circumstance seem absolutely choc-a-bloc with existing commitment....but I sometimes, think: " Surely it can't be that busy - surely there must be a bit of give". . OP's home life sounds ridiculously busy, and her husband's.

Sure, if it really is unavoidable, all this extra work, then speak to the ex-wife again, and ask to do it face-to-face to explain all the permutations, and to assure her that this is a temporary situation. Offering more involvement later on, should appease ex W, but it has to be discussed properly, I guess

@pitchforksandflamethrowers By all means you shout out where I have said something that’s so out of order you feel the need to pull me up about it and I’ll happily work through it with you.

Agree it may be the same for the ex. However, the fact that she's rebuffed every compromise including the offer of paid childcare (which would allow her to keep to whatever she was planning to do with the time, whether work or personal) suggests to me that she's just dug her heels in on some so-called principle or other.

OP also mentioned that the ex is always asking why the OP can't have the kids. To me this reads as though the 'principle' is that she sees the OP as an additional childcare resource that she's entitled to access when it suits. Personal experience has taught me that some exes do indeed think this way. (I'm talking about experiences from years ago btw - I'm not a sock puppet or anything like that.)

I can understand that you don't want to look after your stepchildren, it's really not your responsibility but your husband's. It's also not their mother's as it's a day that is already setup for him to look after the kids. I can understand he's busy at work BUT you are saying he's a lawyer, right? So, WHY isn't he paying for a BABYSITTER rather than expecting YOU to do it? You both work, you are both exhausted, it's not your fault he has to work, but these are HIS kids, have a babysitter, if the babysitter needs to stay for the weekend then so be it.