Refusing to have DSC

[Nights11]

I'll keep it short!

My husband works in a high pressure job which is under a lot of straight from lack of staff. As such he's having to work emergency night shifts which he doesn't usually do, sometimes staying away from home. It's all a bit of a mess at the moment.

We are struggling to work this around when we have DSC which is 50:50 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

I work long days too in another high pressure environment (law) and at the moment I'm also doing 99% of most things at home with this situation at my husband's work. We share nursery aged children so they are in nursery in the day but I'm collecting after work and then it's home typically as DH is leaving and I'm responsible for everything then on. I'm also having to fit in bits of extra work in the evening once they are in bed just to get things done and basically I'm flat out exhausted too!

Basically the issue is my husband's ex is refusing anything which isn't DSC coming as normal whilst DH is working. He's offered to pay for childcare, he's offered to pay more maintenance, he's offered to have them more when he does get home ect... She works 3 days a week and doesn't do nights so there is no reason they can't stay at her home during the night.

I appreciate its annoying and it means it may be harder for her to make plans but I don't feel the responsibility is mine to then take DSC on the nights / days DH is away.

They are 11&13.

I'm basically flat out refusing, which may sound unreasonable but I am so exhausted and the last thing I want is 2 more children to care for half the week when DH isn't even around most of the time.

Basically I've said if DH isn't here then DSC will need to stay with mum or at her house. It's the holidays, DH has offered to pay for clubs, she works from home 3 days a week and they are old enough not to disturb her if they stay there, as I say he's also offered to pay more maintenance too but she wants them to come here like normal even if DH isn't here.

It’s weird how many replies are trying to make other people’s kids be your issue to solve.

Your husband chose to have a lot of kids, he needs to arrange his life in a way that he can provide for, and parent them all. His other kids have two parents who can between the two of them, arrange to parent them. No one else’s problem. No maintenance money required.

@feistyoneyouare nope.

I said those things about MY partner because he's bloody ace.
My child has special needs and I work & doing a degree. I would move heaven & earth to help him. This one person. He doesn't presume, he doesn't lump me with his shit. He takes responsibility.

For him I would do any favour whenever, however massive.

However IN GENERAL a stepmum has no parental responsibility towards her husbands kids. She can help if she wants to - it's her perogative.

For my ex I wouldn't do any favours but IN GENERAL good coparenting involves come and go. But if the father is 50:50 it's his issue to solve.

IF his ex wife offers a favour that's her perogative to do or not do.

The ONLY person here fucking up is the father. Useless twat.

For my ex I wouldn't do any favours but IN GENERAL good coparenting involves come and go. But if the father is 50:50 it's his issue to solve.

Why is there no come and go if he’s 50-50?

Is it that the mother should be spiteful
because she’s not the senior parent in that arrangement? Or because he isn’t paying her maintenance?

Do the children matter less because you are angry at men who have sought to maximise their contact time?

To be fair, the issue seems to be the evenings and overnights, there isn't much childcare available for that.

OP has said he has offered to sort and pay for childcare if their mum would have them overnight but she won't, and so it doesn't sort OP's problem of being solo with 4 children overnight for half of the week.

Quite honestly I don't think I could manage working full time, 2 toddlers AND ferrying 2 older children to and from clubs. If it were me, I'd either refuse completely or say if SCs will be with me then there can be no afterschool activities until DH has finished this crazy work schedule and is able to muck in. There is only so much one person can do.

But again, I do agree in the first instance it's an issue for DH to take up with his work. It's not sustainable for him to continue this way.

The issue here is that it is being made your problem. It’s not your problem - at all. It’s also not the ex wife’s problem - at all. It’s your DH problem. He is doing extra shifts so he can use the $$ to have someone cover his responsibilities. I would think the CM could stop as well and he could also use they if he needs to cover it. He needs to come up with a solution that doesn’t involve either you or his ex-wife.

If it were me, I'd either refuse completely or say if SCs will be with me then there can be no afterschool activities until DH has finished this crazy work schedule and is able to muck in. There is only so much one person can do.

Easily solved by the DH paying for someone else to cart his kids around to activities, do whatever needs to be done with them. He is doing extra shifts which is why he can’t do it. I imagine he is getting paid for these extra shifts, so he can use that money to cover his responsibilities. It may well be cost neutral but this is his choice if he wants to do the extra work vs his childcare responsibilities.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@Ohthatsexciting regardless of how she views her dsc it doesn't mean the op has to agree to increased parenting responsibility. The point I was making is dads current options seem to be either hire a nanny or quit the job. Both those options will impact on the op and their home life so surely she should get a say in what happens.

Why is it such a horrible idea that the bio parents just help each other out when they can to benefit the children?

Why do you have to refuse and make everything awkward and hard work just to prove some point to the DH?

This is one of the biggest problems in blended families is when the parents can't just grow up and adapt to the new style of parenting. You work TOGETHER to ensure your children are safe and cared for and they have the best life.

Getting a random nanny to look after them (when it isn't necessary) is just ridiculous just as a point scoring exercise because the dad has asked for some flexibility.

My SC mum has been a nightmare at times. However, we are always flexible and will swap things so the SC don't miss out on birthdays, days out etc. If DH has to work, SC get dropped home early and access date is changed to fit around the mum. She has never refused to have her children back.

It's just not that difficult to support each other and create a happier life for the children. Surely that's the main priority at the end of the day ???!

So you didn’t lose income your husband took on the less flexible job for higher pay to make up for the shortfall created by you having to give up your job.

if the father loses his job in this scenario as his ex wife won’t look after their shared children his during nights thereby helping him out to enable him to work.
She’ll be fine not receiving the child maintenance she shouldn’t be getting anyway.
Will the ex wife be able to support two kids for half the year and run a household on a part time job?

this isn’t misogynistic at all this is how joint parenting works. One or the other parent picks up the slack created if one parent has higher demands made on them by outside factors.

it evens out as both parents step up when needed at different times.

in this case the mum can agree to temporarily change up the night she has her DC, and the dad make up the nights for when he’s is available for the days he can pay for childcare/summer camps whatever.

not a single person here can honestly say they’d give up their job to honour childcare commitments, with no fallback of a partner then taking on the additional financial burden.

What is a senior parent?

Why are you presuming this mother/ any other mother spiteful when (as normal on here) we only here one side of a story. ?

Why don't you think men should make their own parenting/babysitting/childcare issues?

What a weird deep sense of internalised misogyny you have.

@frazzledasarock What on earth do you think single parents do? Not a single person on here? Are you joking?

Single parents do it everyday and have to find work arounds to survive.

It is not the Mum’s duty to facilitate Dad’s life. Perhaps if the approach had been…for this amount of time it’s tricky, she may have been amenable. That didn’t happen. It’s trying to put his responsibility onto the ex for an indefinite amount of time, offering to make it up when he sorts himself out. Whenever that may be. That’s not asking for flexibility. That’s getting out of being a parent with…in the future comments. Which may or may never happen.

The mum has organised her life around their childcare arrangements. The Dad needs to do this also. It’s really quite simple.

In court the judge would take a very dim view of the Dad and Op trying to blame the ex for not taking on the Dad’s contact time. So that should tell you.

Single parents also need to eat and feed their kids.

when I was a single parent, for over a decade with very young children I juggled work around my children's childcare needs and hired wrap around childcare.

what I couldn’t do was give up my job although thankfully back then we did get child tax credits. I have no idea what I would have done had I lost my job. I needed to work to feed and clothe my kids and put a roof over our heads and pay the bills.

The mother in this post is being asked to swap around her nights to accommodate her ex for a short while.
its wildly unreasonable to demand the father give his job up because the mother doesn’t want to have to swap around her nights.
shes being asked to temporarily swap around her nights without kids in the house to accommodate the fathers need to work, which also benefits her because if he didn’t have a job she would not have the child maintenance he’s paying her. It’s temporary, the father happily accommodated changes for her, it’s not eating into her essential working time it is asking her to swap her me time for a while.

i cannot imagine not wanting my dc.

@Heatwavenotify the father is looking for a new job as well, so this is not permanent.

he’s also paying child maintenance which he doesn’t have to.

he’s asking to swap contact times temporarily. It’s also nights only he is asking for as he is happy to organise daytime care for his children.

he is not asking the mother to give up work or anything essential he’s asking her to accommodate her ‘me time’ (for want of a better word), temporarily and is asking to swap the times around not for her to forgo the child free nights.

Why do you assume the mum doesn’t want her children. She hasn’t changed anything. It’s the dad that doesn’t want them. The Op doesn’t want them. At no point has the mum turned round and said she isn’t looking after the kids during her contact time.

Be factual, he hasn’t asked to swap. He’s asked her to take them on his contact time. That’s not swapping.
The mum has asked for flexibility for a day here or there. That is completely different to an indefinite amount of time.

As a single parent myself I refute your claim that not a single person on here has had to give up their job because of childcare. I am one for a start. Then I had to quickly set up something else to support myself and my kids. No benefit other than child benefit and I did it because they were my responsibility.

Acting like it’s impossible for the dad to sort out childcare for half the week because he’s agreed to do work he has no childcare for is making excuses for him. Blaming the Ex for not dropping her life to fix it for him is why people are saying it’s misogynistic.

And no court wouldn’t take a ‘very dim view’ the judge would think it a waste of court time,

@frazzledasarock And the Ex giving up ‘me time’? Seriously, the Dad nor the Op have any idea what is going on in the Ex’s life so I doubt you do to make such judgemental comments.

The OP has said it’s for a short time.and that the dad is searching for a new job.

she has said the dad has asked to switch his time with hers to accommodate his night shifts.

the mother has previously asked to leave her dc on her time with OP & their dad which the dad has agreed to.

the mother is refusing to have her children in her house temporarily overnights. The op says it’s for a short while.

the mother doesn’t want her children in her house for a few nights that aren’t her nights.

@frazzledasarock right. A judge would be applauding his parenting abilities. Trust me when I say, they really would take a dim view.

Why do you assume the mum doesn’t want her children.

Because she has stated she isn't having them and would prefer OP to have them.

She hasn’t said she won’t have them when she is supposed to have them. There is a big difference which I’m sure you can grasp.

No a judge wouldn’t.

I’ve been to family courts for child proceedings and the judge would be unimpressed that the parents had dragged this to court.

a judge could not force anyone to have the children if they didn’t want to.

i find it so odd people are falling over themselves to defend a parent refusing to have their children for a few nights out of synch of their normal nights.

I point blank refuse to believe that the DH hides the ex money despite being 50/50 unless this was agreed for a specific reason in the divorce agreement ie the mother will buy all school uniform or a huge imbalance in income that means the children lead a very different standard of living whilst with their mother for her 50%.

There will be a valid reason rather than just this rather pathetic sounding Dh giving extra out of the goodness of his heart.

in any event, even if he wanted to to give the ex money he wasn’t required to…. The OP would have started a thread on that

Hides should read “gives” his ex

@frazzledasarock I didn’t say they would force the dad. I said they’d take a dim view.

I find it odd that a dad taking on extra work when he has no childcare is a reason to bash his Ex for not dropping her life immediately. And why you are rushing to defend him.

Why is the Ex to blame here? The Op wants her children in her contact time. The Dad and the Op don’t want them in their contact time. And she’s the selfish parent who doesn’t want her kids. Blows my mind quite honestly.