Find my husband's babying of DSC unbearable.

[BahHumbug2]

Can I have a rant here because I know technically he can do what he likes with his child but God I find it so annoying, it makes me eye roll.

DSS is 13, 14 this year and my husband does absolutely everything for him.

He runs his baths, making sure they are the right temperature ect, he'll make his breakfast, he'll take him to school two mins away, he'll tidy his room for him, never makes him lift a finger to do anything at all in the house and the list goes on.

He's completely babied and I can't stand it.

Tonight DSS sat downstairs on his phone whilst my husband ran his bath for him, staying there until it was not too hot/ not too cold and them called him up like a little child. Let him run his own bath for godsake!

Wow I am in shock at the amount of parents running round for their kids. I do basics, cook a family meal, change beds (though sometimes the 15 yr old is asked to do her own) do their washing and put away for the younger ones though they are about to start doing this themselves too.

Kids need to learn how to do things but also to be responsible for doing things and also sorting themselves out.

I can't imagine doing things for mine to the extent some do on here. Kids these days have hardly any resilience because we make sure they never fail, and they have very little responsibility because everything is easy access out there, and parents are parenting like this. No wonder.

What bullshitfuckyery have I just read.

Some of you guys do this... into late teens 😅😅😅 I now know how my ex husband was created being unable to call the doctor telephone number himself.

Baffling truly baffling and it's bad for the kids developmentally . What happens when your not around and kids have no basic life skills.

Really weird comparisons being thrown around comparing a adult relationship to a parent and child relationship, they are not equal. It's weird some people are comparing them what a husband does for his wife to husband and 16 year old child.

Some of you need your head examined. Op your not being unreasonable if you hadn't mentioned the word sc, a lot more people would be saying the same tbh.

Oh the joys of parenting from a apologetic ideology. What a shock some of these kids gonna have.

I wonder if all the people who think it’s “sweet” would be saying the same if, in ten years’ time, your DSC’s then-partner posts on MN about how exhausted they are because their partner does nothing around the house and doesn’t know how to do basic stuff like vacuuming, tidying up, cooking a simple meal etc

One needs to make sure you marry a human with basic skills. It's one thing being lazy...but another not knowing how to.

I think the OPs DP missed out on doing these thing when his son was younger and doesn't quite realise how old he is

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander

😂😂😂
Your comment made me laugh, I don’t know why.
Just imagining that with my mind’s eye makes me almost fall down with hysterics. I just can’t picture either of my parents running me a “perfect temp” bath at age 25.
It makes me laugh just typing it.
My 90-yr-old mum sliced an apple for me once and I thought that was very sweet.
The bath thing is just, well… I wonder if they help them dry off too, or do they consider that excessive?🤔

I can totally imagine my partner doing this for SD - can see the signs already...

We have 2 our babies too but I will be teaching them to do this themselves as soon as age appropriate

For those saying it's weird to run a bath for your older teens, I think it depends i whether they do and can run their own baths usually.

On occasion I put the shower on for my teens when they're shattered and tucked up warm in bed not fancying getting up! Or returned home muddy from sports. I've even offered to run a bath but they rarely take me up on it. But it's at the occasional treat level I would do for a partner and what my teens do for me when I'm similarly worn out and barely crawling around as over tired and in pain.

It's not the running of bath or shower but the expectation that it is a parents job to always run it that is the issue here.

Of course a 14 year old can run their own baths and clean bath and bathroom after themselves.

But occasionally everyone likes a treat of an already warm shower or warm bubble bath to slide into without having to hang around to set it up! Same way I love a cup of tea brought up me.., as long as it's reciprocal care for each other not a babying thing.

It's a very destructive syndrome. I have seen it close up with my niece and nephew.

Their parents have never actually parented them. From the outset they tried to befriend them and both kids grew up totally unable to function in the world.

DNiece died from a situation that, had she been allowed to become an actual adult, would never have occurred.

Nephew is married and his DW will break any time soon and leave him and in reality, it's not his fault but he is a severe case of arrested development.

Even now his parents speak to him as if he is two years old. As soon as he steps into the room they start with a weird wheedling small voice to communicate with him. It's genuinely vomit inducing. He's 48 years old.

Both children looked to the parents to make every decision for them. The parents found the creatures they had created absolutely exhausting to be around but they were and are 100% to blame for wrecking the lives of their children.

Parents should raise their children. Everything being aimed at those children learning to be functioning adults. Animals can do it but a hell of a lot of humans can't.

My daughter is almost 12. She can be quite lazy saying she “can’t” do something...it’s too hard etc. Adjusting her own shower/bath water and putting away her own things being two past examples.
My husband (her dad) would always step in and do them for her, meaning she was years later than necessary accepting responsibility for doing them herself. Of course once she actually did the things a few times (after I had to step in), she learned she could do them after all.
What a surprise.

Once a kid has accepted personal responsibility for a task they need to do for themself, it’s fine to do it for them every once in a while to show love and helping.
Same as you would for an adult. But it’s not ok if doing it for them delays or blocks their appropriate development of independence and self-reliance.

Can the stepson run his own bath if asked?
Or would he moan and not take one if it wasn’t done for him?

My EXDP used to do similar with his DC.

Not for our DC though, that was my job.

How does he behave with your younger DC?

I think the fact that OP is a step-parent is irrelevant here - these differences can and do arise very easily between biological parents too. My daughter's father (my ex) infantilises her in just this way - she is 10, and at his house she would never be asked to do any kind of chore, even to the extent of not picking up her own laundry and bringing it downstairs. And yes he supervises her having baths etc (I don't mean he watches her actually in the bath, but runs the bath and all that stuff). He picks what she wears. He more or less does her homework for her he is so involved in it. Etc etc etc.

I have a very different approach and encourage as much independence as I can, obviously in what I hope and believe is an age appropriate way. Unusually that involves me and her doing chores TOGETHER - I rarely cook without her when she is here, for example (her choice actually-she loves it), and she will also actively offer to help me bring the washing in, put the laundry on the beds, things like that. She is amazingly helpful and I am very lucky and enjoy doing this stuff with her, and am so proud of how good she is at these things (cooking especially) and also how kind and helpful.

She tells me she likes having more independence - and I accept it's quite possible she tells her dad she loves him doing everything for her, too! In a way she gets the best of both worlds, I suppose.

But God, if I was still with him, the conflicts I think he and I would have had over this..... Because it really is such a fundamental difference in attitude.....