Find my husband's babying of DSC unbearable.

[BahHumbug2]

Can I have a rant here because I know technically he can do what he likes with his child but God I find it so annoying, it makes me eye roll.

DSS is 13, 14 this year and my husband does absolutely everything for him.

He runs his baths, making sure they are the right temperature ect, he'll make his breakfast, he'll take him to school two mins away, he'll tidy his room for him, never makes him lift a finger to do anything at all in the house and the list goes on.

He's completely babied and I can't stand it.

Tonight DSS sat downstairs on his phone whilst my husband ran his bath for him, staying there until it was not too hot/ not too cold and them called him up like a little child. Let him run his own bath for godsake!

Our 6 and 7 year olds run their own baths 🙈

Yanbu

Baths are never the right temperature if someone else runs them. You all think you're being kind, actually you're condemning the recipient to messing around with the taps trying to fix your slightly too hot or too cold bath.

I get the whole 'its nice to do it every now and then' stuff. But every time? Like he's never ran his own bath or even put the shower on himself. Never washed a plate, never hoovered or cleaned anything or set the table, never made his own piece of toast or bowl of cereal when DH is around.

And no it doesn't extend to others, he just sits there waiting for you to do things for him. I refuse especially with stuff like the breakfast. He knows where the toaster is. If DH isn't about he either uses it or goes hungry.

We do have DC together yes.

That would give me the ick. It doesn’t bode well

Sounds terrible OP, I wonder if all the people who think it’s “sweet” would be saying the same if, in ten years’ time, your DSC’s then-partner posts on MN about how exhausted they are because their partner does nothing around the house and doesn’t know how to do basic stuff like vacuuming, tidying up, cooking a simple meal etc This kind of treatment sets up your DSC for a lifetime of expecting people who love him to demonstrate that by waiting on him and also teaches him that he doesn’t have to do anything for them in return.

Sometimes treating someone you care about by making a meal or running a bath because they’re tired or they’ve had a bad day is fine but setting up teenage boys to expect these things to be routinely done for them is unhealthy and doesn’t help them learn to be responsible or independent - and robs them of an opportunity to learn basic life skills. After his parents divorced my sister’s ex-husband was brought up in a similar way and expected everything to be done for him, even if he volunteered to do stuff he screwed up because he’d never learnt how to do anything around the house and she had to take over, she found him impossible to live with because of it, that’s why he’s now her ex.

🤣

He sounds like a great father!

Is the boy particularly rude to you? Is he unpleasant? Does DH try to make you run baths for him? If not, I couldn’t get worked up about it. Would I run a bath for a 13 year old? No, probably not. But if someone else wants to run a bath for their 13 year old, and the 13 year old doesn’t mind, let them crack on. I’ve never seen a 25 year old helplessly pawing at the taps because their dad always ran a bath for them and now they can’t figure out how to on their own.

Well its not harming you is it OP. Just leave the room, look away, find something else to do and leave them to it. He is babying his son but theres no reason for you to be driven mad. Just put your mind elsewhere

Never seen the bath thing but I have seen spoiled lads at uni helplessly pawing at ovens and washing machines because they didn’t know how to use them properly…

Doing absolutely everything for him is doing him no favours

Oh joy! Fucked up step-family dynamics. That’s exactly why I won’t be get myself one of these set-ups

Atleast they aren’t having a bath together? 🤣

Presumably they all find out how to use the oven at one point. Or when they discover they can’t they ask someone how to use it or look it up.

😂 Yeah! And putting it on Facebook 😂

My first thought was that DSS needs to learn these things but then I had more of a think.

He runs his baths, making sure they are the right temperature ect, if DSS was left to do it would it use loads of water? I think if this is just a once a week thing it's fine actually. Maybe it's the only way he can get DSS to have a bath so he doesn't stink?

he'll make his breakfast
Again I first thought this was OTT but if he's making his own breakfast maybe he thinks he might as well put some toast on?

he'll take him to school two mins away by car yes? I think this is a little over the top but maybe this is important time for them to have manly one to one chats?

he'll tidy his room for him, never makes him lift a finger to do anything at all in the house and the list goes on. nope no excuse for this one.

@BahHumbug2
You sound jealous tbh.

He sounds like he is overcompensating for (I assume) having him over to stay only part time?
Maybe he is worried his son will feel left out or less loved than your DC?

Yup, that's the core of it.

Nothing wrong with supporting so long as it's acknowledged.

Sending these teenager boys to uni to live in halls or residence or house shares often sorts them out. Usually they sheepishly ask someone on their floor/flat for help with the washing machine (when a boy on my floor asked me on our first week I laughed and told him the instructions with printed on the communal washing machines. He still insisted I come and help make sure he got it right. He was fine with laundry after that though). When it comes to cleaning inspection time your flatmates will hand you a mop whether or not your dad made you do chores at home.

The bigger question is how does his son respond? Is he grateful and loving? Or is he rude and demanding?

Well I once asked him to wash a cup out and it turned into a massive strop so...

Why on earth would I be jealous? 🤣

I get what you are saying @BahHumbug2. Developing independence and autonomy, pitching in and contributing to the household is really important. This would annoy me too.

Maybe, he needs to see teaching his son independence skills as a bonding moment. Like teaching how to cook etc.

. I’ve never seen a 25 year old helplessly pawing at the taps because their dad always ran a bath for them and now they can’t figure out how to on their own.

😂

Dss needs to learn independence. It's no good for him to have everything done for him. A child needs to grow up knowing how to do basic household chores otherwise they get to 18 and go to uni or move out and haven't got the faintest idea how to do these things for themselves.

My dh is similar with his ds. But after me repeatedly talking (nagging, essentially and i hate nagging) to dh about it, dss now runs his own bath. And he will take his plate to the kitchen side rather than leaving it on the table (but not into the dishwasher) He will get himself snacks and drinks (but if he can get his dad to get it for him, he will). And that. Is. It. His mum does literally everything for him at home. Everything.

It's not about acts of love and all that bollocks. It's about raising a child with the skills he needs to look after himself as he approaches adulthood. My dss has a chronic lack of confidence in achieving the most basic tasks. Even making some toast he feels he needs to ask if he's doing it right. If you asked him to do the hoovering or iron something he wouldn't have clue where to start. He's 15. It annoys me that dh has different expectations of his ds and our shared dc.