Find my husband's babying of DSC unbearable.

[BahHumbug2]

Can I have a rant here because I know technically he can do what he likes with his child but God I find it so annoying, it makes me eye roll.

DSS is 13, 14 this year and my husband does absolutely everything for him.

He runs his baths, making sure they are the right temperature ect, he'll make his breakfast, he'll take him to school two mins away, he'll tidy his room for him, never makes him lift a finger to do anything at all in the house and the list goes on.

He's completely babied and I can't stand it.

Tonight DSS sat downstairs on his phone whilst my husband ran his bath for him, staying there until it was not too hot/ not too cold and them called him up like a little child. Let him run his own bath for godsake!

I'm not suggesting he'll reach adulthood unable to run a bath or run a hoover around. I'm sure these are tasks that can be learnt at any age regardless whether you were made to do them as a child or not.

To me, chores are more about learning you aren't the only person in the home who matters, it's not about the task itself but doing something which contributes toward your wider family that I think it's important to learn.

And whilst I don't think not doing chores leads to adults being unable to run a tap, I don't think it's that much of a stretch to imagine it could potentially lead to a person, especially a man, who expects to go from mummy and daddy doing everything to their wife/partner doing everything. Society already gives men enough free passes.

I think the heart of this is that a step parenting situation is really the only one where you get such a good seat to watch someone else's child being subjected to car crash parenting, and you just know that a) you can't do anything about it and b) you will probably suffer the consequences of it too.
It's aggravating. All you can do is look the other way and care a little less. And refuse to indulge it yourself, of course.

What a loving father. Far better than being an absent dad and a knob, let him love his child. In the blink of an eye he will be grown and flown

Is parenting not about teaching our children things? Independence, respecting your home/space and so on... it can't all just be about showing love.

And I think it goes a bit beyond that when it results in tantrum throwing because they are asked to wash a dish.

My youngest daughter is 13,14 this year. She cooks a meal for all the family one evening a week. She does her own washing, drying and puts her own clothes away. She decorates her own bedroom as I've taught her to wall paper, builds her own flat pack and can even lay laminate flooring and confidently use power tools.

All of my older children can do the same things as an absolute minimum.

It's called parenting. Our job is to produce fully functioning members of society that can confidently stand on their own two feet. We are supposed to teach them how to be adults, not baby them into permanent dependence .

Sounds exactly like my ex husband. No, him and the girlfriend have taught MY children NOTHING other than how to be complete, disrespectful selfish bastards. Luckily my kids will turn out ok in the long run. They are being shown an example of exactly how NOT to behave. Do you all live together then? What’s the set-up?

It's called parenting. Our job is to produce fully functioning members of society that can confidently stand on their own two feet. We are supposed to teach them how to be adults, not baby them into permanent dependence

I agree.

There's no use comparing it to a husband making his wife a brew or running her a bath because she's had a hard day.

Firstly, my husband may do these things occasionally for me out if love but not all the time and I don't rely on my husband doing them in order for me to wash / ever have a cup of tea. I don't need him to teach me independence or doing these things myself because my parents did that. Doing these things out of love occasionally and relying on someone else doing them for you or you'd never do it are two different things.

Also no point comparing a spouse relationship with a parent child one. It's completely different.

My mother was the “princess” in her family and had her parents and siblings dancing attendance on her. When she married my father, she expected him to do the same - she would cook but expected him to do the cleaning etc. She bought a sewing machine and he used to make her clothes. Once I was six, I was also expected to do the dusting, hoovering and wash my own socks, and iron bedding (not my Dad’s shirts, he did those - and my Mum’s clothes - himself). My Dad used to run her bath, and when she had finished, she would shout for him to dry her. Unfortunately for her, he died relatively young, and she had to do all of these things herself - once I had made it crystal clear that I wasn’t going to move in and do everything for her. One of her brothers took pity on her and stayed for a couple of weeks to help her with some chores, but said it was the worst thing he’d done as she would phone him and ask him to come and change a lightbulb rather than trying it herself. My Dad’s been dead over 20 years now, and she is finally realising that she either pays someone to do her odd jobs or she learns to do them herself.

@BahHumbug2 Who asked them to wash the dish?

I totally agree OP. Love is not just acts of service for our children, it’s about teaching them independence and self-sufficiency. It’s also infantilising to a teenager to treat them like they are 5 years old. I totally think it’s sweet that your partner wants to do nice things for his son, and i’m sure he means well and cares very much for his son. But I would say it’s time to upgrade his parenting so he is parenting a teen not a little boy.

Yes that is extreme and not going to be a helpful response when he's in a houseshare or has a girl/boyfriend.

And it's often (or it should be) reciprocal in a spouse relationship. My husband does things occasionally for me out of love, but so do I for him. If I cook him a nice dinner one night when he's had a bad day, I don't expect him to throw a strop at having to cook the next day as normal for example, or wash up, or whatever else.

Next time he asks you to do something have a similar tantrum to show him how ridiculous it is?

But I would say it’s time to upgrade his parenting so he is parenting a teen not a little boy.

We've had similar conversations in the past because I think he tries to be his friend rather than parent sometimes. Its tough, he doesn't want to risk him not wanting to come (that wouldn't happen anyway as he has to because mum works and he's a good lad really - we have him 50% of the time) but it means he won't want to discipline him for things he really should be etc.

But I would say it’s time to upgrade his parenting so he is parenting a teen not a little boy.

We've had similar conversations in the past because I think he tries to be his friend rather than parent sometimes. Its tough, he doesn't want to risk him not wanting to come (that wouldn't happen anyway as he has to because mum works and he's a good lad really - we have him 50% of the time) but it means he won't want to discipline him for things he really should be etc.

Really??

Running his bath is a red herring. What's more concerning is that DSS lives with you 50% of the time, is aged 13 and has younger half siblings your DCs and yet his dad doesn't expect him to lift a finger to even wash a cup up or tidy up after himself.

Your DH is letting DSS down and giving poor message to your joint DCs who presumably do clear up after themselves and are expected to do chores.

That's what I'd address, that parenting is teaching DCs to be fully functioning members of a household.

Gosh a 13 year old who shouts at you?? And tantrums when asked to clean a cup up he has used is not a fully functioning teenager.

That's 50% of his home time... DH is ruining his own child who will be shocked in 5 years time when he's acting entitled and his gf (or bf) and friends call him out on it that he's a big baby.

Absolutely failing his child.

I used to think my DH did similarly with my DSC but I realise now I sometimes indulge my own DC and I can see how I felt differently about SC vs own C.

Surely you can see that sometimes is the important word there?

I'm sure most parents sometimes indulge their children, I do! But not every time to the extent they never do anything for themselves.

My DC are very young, even they help me put their toys away and do small age appropriate things for themselves.

Another example is if he eats something in the living room he'll just get up leaving his rubbish on the sofa and go out/u

Woops posted too soon.

Go out / up to his room. Rather than DH saying 'come back down here and put your rubbish in the bin' he'll just go round collecting it up and doing it for him.

Baths are never the right temperature if someone else runs them. You all think you're being kind, actually you're condemning the recipient to messing around with the taps trying to fix your slightly too hot or too cold bath

I came to say this. I wouldn't thank anyone for running a bath for me. It's a very personalised skill. And if I'd done it for any of my children at the advanced age of 14 they'd have raised their eyebrows.

*I am increasingly convinced that the most destructive thing about divorce for children is that the way their parents treat them afterwards. So many ways in which parents putting their own needs to feel positive about the situation over the children’s needs for boundaries and normal expectations and such like.

It’s generally made worse because everyone acts like it’s so nice that a NRP treats the child like visiting royalty.*

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander I couldn't agree more! The way nrc are expected to be treated by the nrp is quite frankly ridiculous & very detrimental to the kids & I'm saying that as a mum who's dc are nrc at their dads.
It's also very difficult for the dc & the rp when the the dc come back to the resident house and are thrown because the rp isn't treating them like royalty! It makes consistent, secure parenting very difficult.
@Ididanamechange I do get your point re the precious moments & missing out on the small day to day things is very hard on nrps but in such a context doing everything for a child is actually fulfilling a need in the parent & is not actually in the child's best interests. I know so many people (friends of my older YA dc) who were treated like this as kids and who now, as adults, expect others to constantly prioritise them & then cannot understand why that doesn't happen.
All children deserve to feel special & loved but there is a HUGE difference between ensuring a child feels cherished and putting a child on a pedestal.