Find my husband's babying of DSC unbearable.

[BahHumbug2]

Can I have a rant here because I know technically he can do what he likes with his child but God I find it so annoying, it makes me eye roll.

DSS is 13, 14 this year and my husband does absolutely everything for him.

He runs his baths, making sure they are the right temperature ect, he'll make his breakfast, he'll take him to school two mins away, he'll tidy his room for him, never makes him lift a finger to do anything at all in the house and the list goes on.

He's completely babied and I can't stand it.

Tonight DSS sat downstairs on his phone whilst my husband ran his bath for him, staying there until it was not too hot/ not too cold and them called him up like a little child. Let him run his own bath for godsake!

Sounds terrible OP, I wonder if all the people who think it’s “sweet” would be saying the same if, in ten years’ time, your DSC’s then-partner posts on MN about how exhausted they are because their partner does nothing around the house and doesn’t know how to do basic stuff like vacuuming, tidying up, cooking a simple meal etc This kind of treatment sets up your DSC for a lifetime of expecting people who love him to demonstrate that by waiting on him and also teaches him that he doesn’t have to do anything for them in return.

@Walserwasstrange - also spot on!

Sometimes is the key word with things like this.

Sometimes I run baths for my teen DS because I know that’s his ultimate luxury thing. Same as I sometimes bake banana bread for DD1 or sometimes pick up a bundle of trashy mags for DD2 if they’ve had a rotten day.

Its the expectation that’s the issue. Constant babying isn’t good for any teen. They need space to grow, learn and make mistakes in a safe environment so they know how they’ll react and how to fix things when they go wrong later.

Infantilising teens does them no favours

So, you make them breakfast. Escort then 2 mins away to school, make their lunch. Run their baths. Clea a their rooms.
That's not loving. That's stunting

You sound like a lovely SM and I wish more were like you.

Ididanamechange

My dh was like this with dss and I remember thinking at the start why are you doing this! Hes old enough to do it himself. Then I realised it wasn't about him being old enough it was about my dh wanting to do the little things parents do day in day out that become precious when you're not doing them every day.

Whilst this might be the reason your / OP's DH do this with their sons, it doesn't mean that it's in their best interest.

My step-brother was hopelessly babied by both his parents and it really screwed him over. He got progressively more isolated through secondary school because he didn't have the social/emotional skills to cope with things not going totally his way. He finds it hard to keep a job because he can't cope with being asked to do things by his boss. He has no cooking/cleaning skills beyond microwave meals and still lives with his mum, who does all this for him. He lives like a 15-year old but is in his mid-30s. It's really very sad.

Parenting isn't just about assuaging your own guilt or making sure your kids are "happy" right now. It's about helping them develop the emotional and practical skills to be healthy, resilient, independent adults. Treating a 14-year old like he is 5 is not that.

The people saying when such children go to uni they suddenly sort themselves out are incorrect.

Most of the boys at uni who couldn't cook when they arrived lived off pot noodles, microwave ready meals and kebabs the whole time.

As for getting on with flatmates suddenly forcing them to stop being so selfish - nope. I once spent the day scrubbing caked off mould of a flat mate's pans and utensils they'd left all over the sides for weeks and flat out refused to clean, for an inspection. In hindsight, I wish I'd thrown them all in the bin after they refused to sort them out.

People are kidding themselves if they think these kids just sort themselves out and it doesn't remain a problem into adulthood.

If dss leaves his rubbish, why don’t you call dss out on it? Ask him to pick it up. It’s both of your house, so he needs to respect your rules, not just his dads.

I wonder if those saying it's sweet are saying this because you are a step parent. Regardless, if this is how people are with their grown and teen children then no wonder MN is full of complaints about man babies and no wonder there are so many floppy handed princesses around. Grief!

I also experienced useless male flatmates as above, they don't suddenly become domesticated when they sign up for their first flat share.

Also underwhelmed by the idea that we should be so grateful the dad is still parenting, that he should be allowed to do whatever he wants.

With a bar that low, there's no point in having one.

Just smiling at some of the comments. I know I baby my children, which is funny as they are both taller and stronger than me. They have good life skills and are independent thinkers, but its important to me that they feel loved and safe. My father used to fussed over by my grandmother until the day she died, it was sweet and her way of showing she loved him. If my children didn't live with me the very least I would do is run them an occasional bath.

Do they throw strops and shout at you when asked to do basic things for themselves?

There is clearly a deeper issue here. Do you resent and dislike his son? Sone folks do this, they’d rather there were no other kids and resent the step child.

Yes, the deeper issue is clearly an adult's childish jealousy, not that the child is growing up to be rude and shout at people when asked to do basic things for themselves.

Such expert analysis 🙄

🤣🤣 for godsake.

I'm not even going to answer this.

I'd resent the fuck out of a situation where a child who spent a significant amount of time in my home was ending raised to be a rude, lazy and disrespectful pain in the arse to be perfectly honest.

Even more so where I had younger children who were growing up seeing their father treat his elder son this way and with that behaviour around them.

Its not jealousy to think this is a problem.

Your husband is doing his son no favours at all. It sounds like he is already spoilt rotten and this is not going to change. I actually feel sorry for the son because when he has to deal with life in the real world as an independent person it will really hit him like a ton of bricks.

Treating your child once in a while is a lovely thing to do but him expecting this 24/7 is absolutely insane. Also, this happening in front of your children is not going to do them any favours as they will want to know "why do I have to clean my room (or whatever)" when "Jack" does fuck all and Dad does everything for him??

YANBU OP

My other half does this. It’s known as “Operation Red Carpet” in our house when the SC arrive. He falls over himself to do everything for them - even the most basic of things. In short, SC are 16 and 18 and can do very little for themselves. The 18 year old is hopefully off to Uni in September - that will be a HUGE shock for her as she’ll actually have to do things for herself. 😱

Your DH is doing his kid no favours babying him so much.

But this isn't just running a bath. It's not letting him walk alone to a school 2 mins away. It's cleaning his room. It's doing everything for him. Every time

Genuinely, I think the way society frames SC as victims needing to be compensated and confuses parents acting in ways that are motivated by what’s easiest in terms of their own guilt and feelings as ‘putting the kids first’ produces parenting that is enormously detrimental to the children and everyone around them!

Even the ‘oh they can learn that at any point’ argument misses the point. It’s building in an attitude and expectation that they shouldn’t have to. That other people should be doing these things for them. And that people don’t care if they aren’t serving them and prioritising their wants and whims.

Very well said

I agree fishcakes.

It's not about the literal task. It's about doing something to contribute toward your home and family, it's about recognising others are slaves and living with others involves give and take, it's about self care, independence and respecting your space. I know he could literally turn the taps on if made to but that's not the point.

Aren't they all things we as parents are supposed to be teaching kids?

Others are NOT slaves 🤣🤣🤣

Yep I'm with you @BahHumbug2

My DP puts toothpaste on my SCs toothbrushes and then calls them in to do their teeth......they are 12 and 8!!

I think it's unfair tbh because sometimes he will snap at the oldest for not being able/not thinking to do something himself, but how is he meant to learn to do anything for himself when he's never had to?

Imagine growing up with the background assumption that you are inherently unreliable and don’t really love your parent because everyone is acting like you just won’t come any more if it isn’t entertaining enough or you are expected to do anything.

how horrible and destabilising for a child. what a way to make it clear that they aren’t really part of the family (given that a key assumption of family is that people are just there and all live together) - they’re guests who everyone, deep down, thinks won’t want to be there.

That’s what the red carpet treatment is telling kids. That and how much they are wanted and cared about is measured in how much they get.