Adult DSC ignored toddler's birthday

[Notimportantbut]

On the grand scheme of things I know there are worst things in life but I feel conflicted.
Adult DSCs ignored my toddler, their half sibling's birthday. Not even a text to their dad to say anything. There was no drama ever, I was no other woman, we have been married for years, everything is amicable. We all are friendly. They just never show any interest. They would interact with my little person a bit when they are here, but it feels always with reluctance. It is starting to cause upset my little one.
There is a huge age gap, I get it. If they don't want any relationship it is fine with me. What I feel very angry about is this fake pretence of my little person actually having siblings. I get annoyed when their dad talks to my toddler mentioning 'big brother/sister'. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to stop? Just because he has other children it doesn't mean my toddler has sibling in reality. Would be nice if they had relationship, but I would rather not build any expectations for my little child. I don't want my toddler to think he did something wrong/ not good enough that his siblings completely ignore him.

😂😂😂

Ok fair enough.

FWIW I have been frustrated when older cousins or in-laws have shown little interest in my toddlers. Especially when the toddlers were excited about them visiting only to be brushed off. In a couple of cases the relationship did improve significantly when the toddlers were older.

The trick I found, to avoid upset, was not to raise the hopes of the toddler. Don’t get her too excited when the Dsiblings are due to visit, and ask your DH to cooperate. This way you will feel less angry (I do understand the anger!). The Dsiblings are being thoughtless rather than malicious. Their heads will be busy with work/study/peers/dating and you don’t really know what stresses they are under.

Stay calm and keep the door open. Plan nice (short!) days out that are suitable for all ages - eg lunch somewhere nice for a joint birthday celebration or maybe your DH birthday - something that can unite them.

And maybe see your DSteps as aunts/uncles/godparent type roles rather than usual siblings as the age gap is so great. When your toddler is older, maybe encourage a couple of days out where they take her off to the cinema or for a pizza, just them.

I think there's a balance.

Obviously they are her siblings so can't just be written off as something else entirely.

But you also don't need to bang on about them and the importance of them being brother/sister if that then sets an expectation in the young girl that her older siblings should care but don't if that makes any sense?

Like my DH will always encourage our DC to 'show your big brother what you drew', 'Ooo big brothers here today, are you excited to see him?' and so on... Thankfully my step son is brilliant with our DC and they adore each other but if he was disinterested and basically ignored them I wouldn't want DH constantly referring to them in that context either?

Don't know if I'm making any sense but it does in my head 🤣

They’re rude. Your DH should have pulled them up on it by now. They’re adults and should know how to behave.
I would just leave them to it. Don’t include them in future. Don’t mention them. Don’t get involved when it’s their birthdays.

@BahHumbug2
I think you just produced the most accurate summary of the situation and make perfect sense.
Is the same with my DS and DSD, there are 8 years between them but mutual adoration so the half sibling thing doesn't really come into it. DS gets very excited when his sister is coming, with good reason because she dotes on him.
I wouldn't want it shoved in his face constantly if she completely ignored him either.

It doesn't sound excruciating painful but I re-read your posts and it does seem like they spend a few minutes talking with her if they happen to be in the same space? This may improve as she becomes more interesting, or may not. Maybe just stick with the adult only interactions with dad outside the house if it's upsetting you that she's not more central to their visits? I don't see what there is to gain by denying that they are her siblings though. That's just your hurt feelings. 3 year olds don't over-think that way. They also don't need every adult relation to play with them or send birthday gifts.

Half sister? Or just sister? He doesn't feel connected to her as his sister, partly because you obviously see her as a half sister, not simply a sister. I think it's all about how you set up the relationship. No one's a "half" anything in our family. I found it weird at first but It creates a cohesion that labelling relationships as half of a real relationships doesn't.

It's not really about the birthday. It's about the whole situation that OP is upset that her DD's step siblings are not interested in her.
It sounds like the step siblings could do a bit more but it also sounds like OP has a bit of the PFBs ( my little one, my baby, my child, my little person...) and expects her own child to be closer to the centre of other people's worlds.
You cannot force a relationship between them but you can gently encourage one by providing enjoyable times together over the years.
Toddlers are hard going. As DD grows, I imagine her step siblings may take more interest- so long as it's not forced on them.
Speak to your DH- but don't complain about his kids or ask him to ask his kids to do more. It needs to evolve naturally to be sincere.

Don’t think it is unreasonable personally. They are young adults. Young adults (plus anyone not their parents or grandparents) don’t want anything to do with toddlers or young children. They are like farts, only their owners love them🤣.

I was out of home when my youngest sibling was 1yo. Went to a senior school boarding situation (by choice, in no way forced out of home, was a fantastic opportunity we were all excited by). Then straight onto uni from there. I would have had no idea when my siblings birthday even was at that age. When I went home to visit I wanted to hang out with my parents and similar age sibling doing ‘adult’ stuff, not playing with a toddler!

I really had nothing to do with my youngest sibling until they were around 15yo, then would spend time with them going out to the theatre, a movie, a meal etc as you can have a meaningful chat and do decent stuff with them once they get to that age. We have a good relationship as adults, so lack of playing with them as a toddler has meant zip.

When I went home to visit I wanted to hang out with my parents and similar age sibling doing ‘adult’ stuff, not playing with a toddler! if your sib was 1 when you went to boarding school, even assuming it was just sixth form, they'd have been 6 when you left Uni, not a toddler. And at that age I'd expect such a seemingly intelligent person to be able to use a bit of empathy and manners and not ignore their half sibling in their own home because "no one likes toddlers". I wouldn't go into anyone's home and act like that, let alone my parents home

They are still their DB/DSIS regardless of whether they are good enough OP. You'll just confuse your DC even more.

If I think about what I was like early 20s around toddlers I just wasn't interested - I guess the same is true here.

Talk to your DP about how you feel and lower your expectations of them because you're judging them by your own standards. Let your DP manage them and disengage for the sake of your own sanity.

Your DH needs to pull them up on it. He
needs to tell them to stay off their phones and actually interact with their sibling.

No, he doesn’t. As someone already mentioned the older children didn’t ask their father to start a second family. They don’t have to entertain a toddler.

I’d imagine things will improve when they are all older, but you can’t force it.

if your sib was 1 when you went to boarding school, even assuming it was just sixth form, they'd have been 6 when you left Uni, not a toddler. And at that age I'd expect such a seemingly intelligent person to be able to use a bit of empathy and manners and not ignore their half sibling in their own home because "no one likes toddlers". I wouldn't go into anyone's home and act like that, let alone my parents home

No idea what you are going on about, or your maths? They were 9yo when I ‘left uni’ as 2 years for senior school and then a degree that was 6 years back in the day. I did go back home to visit during those times, I didn’t leave when that sibling was 1yo and never return until they were 9yo? So, they were indeed a toddler at times when I visited home occasionally, then they progressed to a young child and then to an older child. Does that clarify for you?

And yes, I didn’t go home to see my youngest sibling. I went to see my parents. I wasn’t interested in playing with a toddler or young child and nor was this expected. Again, once they became older and were pleasant to converse with we then had a relationship and this strengthened and carried through to the present. As an adult you don’t have to play with a toddler or young sibling to develop a relationship, this happens organically at appropriate points.

They're probably irritated by the 20 ish years age gap. Dad having more kids even they were so old, so they can't be bothered. Your daughter could be their daughter, with that age gap.

I'm sure they're capable of being nice to little kids, but they just don't have the bond.

This is true.

@HoppingPavlova this -
"They are young adults. Young adults (plus anyone not their parents or grandparents) don’t want anything to do with toddlers or young children"

Isn't true.

No young adult in my family or friendship circle ignores toddlers or young children. They are actually given plenty of opportunity to escape but they don't take it and interact with them.

You may have been dragged up to not like toddlers or young children but it isn't universal.

@RedWingBoots I couldn't agree more. My three & my nieces and nephews are all great with little kids & my three are great with their much younger half siblings.