Adult DSC ignored toddler's birthday

[Notimportantbut]

On the grand scheme of things I know there are worst things in life but I feel conflicted.
Adult DSCs ignored my toddler, their half sibling's birthday. Not even a text to their dad to say anything. There was no drama ever, I was no other woman, we have been married for years, everything is amicable. We all are friendly. They just never show any interest. They would interact with my little person a bit when they are here, but it feels always with reluctance. It is starting to cause upset my little one.
There is a huge age gap, I get it. If they don't want any relationship it is fine with me. What I feel very angry about is this fake pretence of my little person actually having siblings. I get annoyed when their dad talks to my toddler mentioning 'big brother/sister'. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to stop? Just because he has other children it doesn't mean my toddler has sibling in reality. Would be nice if they had relationship, but I would rather not build any expectations for my little child. I don't want my toddler to think he did something wrong/ not good enough that his siblings completely ignore him.

The ops issue goes beyond birthdays

I agree it goes beyond birthdays.

But I think we don't always end up with the exact family we want, it's not an excuse to act like this though imo. You don't have to agree of course.

Maybe my life would have been better as an only child, it's not an excuse to be totally disinterested/ blank my sister though. She exists, she had no more say in the matter than I did and I don't think it's right for adults to use 'well I didn't ask for a little sister' as a justification for what appears to be hurting a little girls feelings.

It sounds as though they all get on reasonably well, not like the little girl was the result of an affair or something.

Each to their own, but I can't imagine acting that was as an adult and being told it was fine.

@Notimportantbut I haven't read through the full thread but I was your dc in that there is a huge age difference between me & the rest of my siblings. They all grew up together & I more or less grew up alone.
However, they were fantastic to me, never forgot a birthday, took me on holidays, took me to my first concerts etc. etc. It was like I had 6 parents instead of 2!
I don't agree with the whole 'teenagers and YAs are thoughtless so let them off the hook thing'. Thoughtlessness needs to be pointed out as does thoughtfulness.
Your oh is failing your small dc by not calling his other dc out on this. They are adults and your dc is their sibling - end of.
My eldest is almost 20 years older than his half siblings. He remembers birthdays, always treats them at Christmas, spends time playing Xbox with them etc. Their presence also means he now sleeps on a camp bed in his dads office when he visits.
Does he mind? No, because is mature & thoughtful & gets it.

Keep them separate. You can’t force a relationship. Even if YOU want to. Let it go. Maybe it’s not the happy little set-up you say it is

They are adults and your dc is their sibling - end of.

I beg to differ

Exactly. No one wants to think their child is just "a kid who I dislike cos they're not 18" to their immediate family. The fact you don't even think of him as your nephew, he's jist your sisters kid. Presumably you're not expecting a relationship with him when he's an adult.

Your oh is failing your small dc by not calling his other dc out on this.

Maybe the 19 year old still, quite rightly has no respect whatsoever for the lot of you? Or maybe I’m wrong. Who knows??

I personally don't crave any relationship between them. Let's make it clear. It would be nice, but not essential. I don't want my child to feel bad growing up because their brother and sister who are branded as 'big brother and sister' by their dad don't bother with her in any shape or form. As I mentioned before nobody forces her on DSC, they spend a lot of the time with just their dad.
I found the feedback useful. First of all I am glad most people think that what I would consider basic manners is indeed should be expected, but also how to approach it with my DH. It is up to him if he pulls them up on their behaviour, I see I was wrong suggesting not using brother /sister language. But I will definitely ask him to tone it down.
To people suggesting it is their way to show they are not happy with our 'happy little set up' by ignoring their sister's birthday.. You know, adults should be able to express their opinion /concerns in a better, more constructive way.

Im not a step parent but my DS has a half sibling n our house and multiple at his Dad's. He is 19 and away at uni. I drop him a message to remind him of my DDs bday and if I see on fb it is one of his other half siblings birthday so he can give them a call. Im not sure if he would remember otherwise.

Do they buy Christmas presents for your DC? Obviously my DS does this without prompting as everyone knows when Christmas is

The ops issue goes beyond birthdays and is possibly because the adult stepchildren are less than impressed with a new step family. They may wish just a relationship with their father. then he needs to see them in their home or elsewhere. No one deserves to be ignored and dismissed by rude adults in their own home. If they can't extend some basic courtesy to the child that can conduct their relationships away from her. And as adults, they have no claim on their fathers home.

Bit embarrassing if nothing else when you're in your twenties and dad has started breeding all over again. If they are not that keen right now, it's probably mostly because toddlers are pretty unimpressive to most young twenty-somethings.

I'm sorry @lassof but this is a ridiculous comment on many levels. If you're in your twenties & still embarrassed by the fact that your parent has sex then you are being massively childish & repressed.
And, if you're taking this embarrassment out on a small child who has done nothing 'wrong' then quite frankly you're an immature ass.
Also - Many young twenty-somethings choose to have their own babies/toddlers and are pretty impressed by them!

You again .🙄 You’re really invested in my life aren’t you? Let it go.

Why should his kids have no respect for their Dad and OP? Because he dared to meet someone else a d have another child?

Well if you insist on talking about it on a chat forum it'll get talked about. Crazy hey.

No, no Christmas presents either. I think this birthday was just a final drop for me

@P00rKids sounds like you have issues😊

This. Just because people are family it doesn’t mean everyone will get along or want to be a part of it. Maybe when your dc gets older there might be more interest.

Yes I would agree with that. Does the father make steps to do that or do they have to visit at home because that's where he is? It's unusual, just in my experience, for adult father-son interactions to be mainly home based - usually pub, footie, cycling, holidays or weekends away. Not too much 'nice cup of yea and play with some toddlers' time.

oh of course ... there's an adult daughter as well ... yes, wheel out the toddler then, no going out for a pint, what was I thinking!

@lassof he does! Plenty of pubs, sports activities, holidays with neither me or my daughter included. There is a big difference when someone forcing a toddler on you all the time vs spending literally 5-10 min per weekend visit talking to the little girl. I don't think it sounds so excruciatingly painful..

Are you one of the adult kids? You're certainly seeming very angry at the op

Hmmm. Several posters have asked what your relationship was with the SCs before your own child was born. Did you buy them birthday presents? Welcome them to your home? Show an interest in their lives?

You haven’t answered that one.

And now you’re trying to stop your DH from using the term brother/sister.

Lot of history here I’m sure.

@Thereisnolight of course I did. They get a wide variety of thoughtful, expensive presents for all the occasions. I do provide input in all of them and they know it. I know all their favourite food, likes/dislikes, music, books etc. This is the thing.. They were consistently friendly to me since the day we met. I get Xmas presents from them. I wouldn't say it is a perfect set up, no post divorce set up for any kids is ever perfect, but there was no drama. Their parents divorced a while before their dad and I met. Our introductions happened sufficiently slowly. Their sibling appeared well after we got married, granted there was no excitement about new sibling news (nor it was expected), but neither DSD nor DSD expressed any concerns, there was no refusal to visit etc.

God there are some vile comments on this thread. Sorry OP, you came here looking for advice not abuse.

FWIW, it’s basic decency to give a card to a little one on their birthday, not to mention family. I’d be fed up too.

Sounds like a tough one, I'm sorry you're finding this distressing.

For me, you could of course ask your DH to not refer to the toddler's brother and sister but ultimately, they are her siblings and always will be. We can't just decide that our relatives are no longer related to us because they're a bit shit.

If I was DH, I think I'd get offended that you wanted to effectively write them out of the family too. What are you going to call them? Friends? Cousins?