Adult DSC ignored toddler's birthday

[Notimportantbut]

On the grand scheme of things I know there are worst things in life but I feel conflicted.
Adult DSCs ignored my toddler, their half sibling's birthday. Not even a text to their dad to say anything. There was no drama ever, I was no other woman, we have been married for years, everything is amicable. We all are friendly. They just never show any interest. They would interact with my little person a bit when they are here, but it feels always with reluctance. It is starting to cause upset my little one.
There is a huge age gap, I get it. If they don't want any relationship it is fine with me. What I feel very angry about is this fake pretence of my little person actually having siblings. I get annoyed when their dad talks to my toddler mentioning 'big brother/sister'. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to stop? Just because he has other children it doesn't mean my toddler has sibling in reality. Would be nice if they had relationship, but I would rather not build any expectations for my little child. I don't want my toddler to think he did something wrong/ not good enough that his siblings completely ignore him.

It doesn’t sound malicious. It just sounds like they’re not a part of your DD’s life. I think you’re right to ask your DH to stop with the ‘big brother/sister’ talk when they’re not involved with her.

I would say early 20's is quite a selfish time in your life usually and they probably have no interest in small children especially if they don't live with you.

Having said that I would expect them to send a card. I would ask their dad to have a char with them about it.it may not even have crossed their minds.

My dd are early 20's and they make a fuss of their younger half siblings. Saying that it may not be on their radar to do birthdays etc they might assume dh includes their names on gifts? As for not playing with her maybe they are not use to children? They will probably change when/if they have children of their own. It's important your dd knows they are her siblings but yes her relationship will be different more like aunts/uncles.

A sibling is someone you share one or both parents with. That’s all it is.

If you try to tell your spouse not to refer to his children as brothers/sisters you’re only going to hurt him. Imagine yourself in his shoes.

It might be more productive to ask him to encourage interaction between his children. Lots of young people now haven’t had dealing with small children and don’t really know how to deal with them.

What is your DH's relationship with the adult children like? Do they feel safe expressing their own crappy feelings to your DH, or is the MO just "smile and keep the grownups happy"?

The two older teens in my life who have given baby half-siblings the arms length treatment had really strained relationships with their bio parents in question. The bio parents are none the wiser, because these kids just slap a smile on and just tell the grownups what they want to hear.

But even if your adult DSC feel psychologically safe enough with their dad... some people just really, really aren't into babies or toddlers. Which can be hard not to take personally, because we all think the sun shines out of our own kids' butts. But in that scenario, the adult DSC may be more likely to shine and respond when your toddler is 10+.

If they were teenagers it would be different, but how hard is it for an adult in thier 20s to chuck a cheap card and some sweeties in the trolly when shopping? It's very cold and immature of them.

He encouraged interreaction, they are not keen. They are aware of the birthday, but again and it is not the forgetting the birthday is the issues. It is a general pattern of ignoring her existence and lack of basic politeness. Fair enough, I can't make them interested, big age gap, different mums etc. I don't want them not to be mentioned, I just don't want them to be reffered as big brother/sister if they don't have brother/sister relationship.
I am capable of explaining to her when she is a bit older this is all nothing to do with her, it is just they have different interests because they are older, but I need their dad to be on the same page.
The point of this post is to ask for opinions if I should approach it with my DH or just suck it up (I am talking her about his behavior, not DSCs) as it is one of those things we suffer through as a part of being in step setup

Half-sibling relationships with such huge age differences can be really difficult and uncomfortable. They have to come over and see their dad with his ‘new family’ plus little ones change the dynamics of a situation. They probably want to come over and have adult conversations with their dad not play with a baby/toddler. It will probably get better when they’re all older and more relatable

I think its worth speaking to DH. If he keeps banging on about it it's probably doing the older kids heads in too. They know their relationship.

Who are you to say what a brother/sister relationship should be though?

I'm pretty close with my siblings, talk most days etc. but there's plenty out there who dont talk for months..do you think they're not real siblings?

There's every chance once your daughter is a bit older they may find it easier to interact with her.

Yabu I grew up in the same house as my siblings and we had a big age gap. I paid them NO interest at all. I was older and didn't care about them, they were annoying. Doesn't mean they weren't my siblings. The older they got the closer we become.

They are technically my half siblings.

I just don't want them to be reffered as big brother/sister if they don't have brother/sister relationship.

They do have a brother/sister relationship it is just not the one you think it should be.

However you do need to tell your DH to tell his older children how to interact with the younger one, to help them do it for a couple of hours each time and that he needs to repeat it.

Also you need to tell him that he needs to allow all the children to form their own relationships with each other and not shove the big brother/big sister/little sister thing down all his children's throats.

Defo suck it up OP!! Yabvu.

how old are you and their dad? I’m guessing there is an age gap of he has 20 somethings and you are young enough to have a three year old. Tbh if I was in my twenties and my dad shacked up with someone and produced a sprog I would be a bit 🤢. I don’t think you can blame them for not wanting a relationship with her.

Suck it up?! These are adults they should act like them.

A sibling relationship is for life and it’s natural there will be times where it is more distance than others. I think YABU to want your DP to stop referring to them as your DC’s siblings, just because at the moment they aren’t interested doesn’t mean it won’t be different in 10, 20, 30 or 40 years. When you and DH are both dead and gone they will be a link to her past, not referring to them as her siblings automatically starts to make that relationship even more distant than it needs to be. Just because they’re not good at interacting with your DD now at age 3 doesn’t mean they won’t find it easier when she’s 13 or 23; some people just aren’t good with toddlers.

Your child has switched from a boy to a girl 🧐

I suspect there's alot of back story here and they never been accepting of your relationship or there df new family unit. Are you closer in age by any chance? Lower your expectations you can't force a relationship just keep it seperate.

I had a strained relationship with my dad, then aged 19 he got married and had a baby with wife 2 while we were trying to repair our own bond.
Visits after that revolved around dad and wife encouraging me to hold and care for the baby, with zero interaction with me on a personal level.

we no longer speak and he has no relationship with my grandson as when he did see us he just went on about my half-sister all the time. We were also always expected to travel to them with no reciprocation.

Your step DCs may be young adults but they are still entitled to a relationship with their parent of their own, as lovely as your toddler must be they aren’t visiting to play with teddies and do baby talk. Maybe when she is older she will be more relatable.

As for the card however YANBU, they ought to have remembered but again you don’t talk about whether the relationship with their father is strained. It may be that they are making a point by “forgetting”?

There are many adults who just aren’t particularly interested in children. It’s irrelevant that they are siblings to your dc. When mine were young I had friends and family who were very invested with hem when they came to visit, and others who just did the bare minimum of interaction because they just weren’t interested. And that’s absolutely fine - no judgement from me. Your little one might be the centre of your universe right now, but not everyone else will feel the same. We also don’t know your relationship with your DSC prior to the baby coming along. Maybe you didn’t invest time and energy in their lives too, so they don’t really have a relationship with you and now you’re expecting their undivided attention for your Dc. They spend time around you because you’re with their father, and that’s the reality.

He had them very young and there is not such a big age gap between us (<8 years). My problem is not a lack of picture perfect sibling relationship, to be honest I was happy we didn't have any drama and she was born.. I have seen much more serious issues on this forum.
They are not even remotely interested in any shape or form and don't bother to fake minimal pleasantries out of politeness. Their dad still spends plenty of adult time with them. They are within their rights, nobody has any obligations to have relationships with anyone they don't want. I want an acknowledgement that it is what it is. Perhaps it will be different later on, but at the moment let us stop shoving 'big brother or big sister' to my daughter. Let's use their names only. Does it make sense?

Your suggestion that they are not referred to as brother and sister because they don’t currently have a relationship that you consider good enough is utterly ridiculous.

I was 15 when my parents had twins. They are my full siblings so maybe that makes a difference, but there was still a big age gap and I was away at university by the time they were 3. I still loved them and showed interest in them. Age and distance isn't an excuse - they would do it if they wanted to and if they are making no effort it's because they don't want to. This is a horrible attitude to take towards a child. Okay, they may not be happy about the second family situation, but none of this is the baby's fault. They need to grow the fuck up and address any gripes with their dad and stop being so mean to an innocent child.

he had them very young and there is not such a big age gap between us (<8 years).

Between you and dh or you and them?