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Step-parenting

Adult DSC ignored toddler's birthday

143 replies

Notimportantbut · 12/06/2022 17:02

On the grand scheme of things I know there are worst things in life but I feel conflicted.
Adult DSCs ignored my toddler, their half sibling's birthday. Not even a text to their dad to say anything. There was no drama ever, I was no other woman, we have been married for years, everything is amicable. We all are friendly. They just never show any interest. They would interact with my little person a bit when they are here, but it feels always with reluctance. It is starting to cause upset my little one.
There is a huge age gap, I get it. If they don't want any relationship it is fine with me. What I feel very angry about is this fake pretence of my little person actually having siblings. I get annoyed when their dad talks to my toddler mentioning 'big brother/sister'. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to stop? Just because he has other children it doesn't mean my toddler has sibling in reality. Would be nice if they had relationship, but I would rather not build any expectations for my little child. I don't want my toddler to think he did something wrong/ not good enough that his siblings completely ignore him.

OP posts:
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Whoatealltheminieggs · 12/06/2022 20:33

We have this but I can’t get excited about it tbh. Their dad gets more upset than me

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BaaCake · 12/06/2022 20:33

Notimportantbut · 12/06/2022 20:22

He had them very young and there is not such a big age gap between us (<8 years). My problem is not a lack of picture perfect sibling relationship, to be honest I was happy we didn't have any drama and she was born.. I have seen much more serious issues on this forum.
They are not even remotely interested in any shape or form and don't bother to fake minimal pleasantries out of politeness. Their dad still spends plenty of adult time with them. They are within their rights, nobody has any obligations to have relationships with anyone they don't want. I want an acknowledgement that it is what it is. Perhaps it will be different later on, but at the moment let us stop shoving 'big brother or big sister' to my daughter. Let's use their names only. Does it make sense?

Yes I hear you. Its too much pressure if he keeps going on about it.

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lassof · 12/06/2022 20:34

It's a bit like not calling him their dad because he's left and started a new family. I guess you can, but it doesn't change facts and would be mostly just hurtful.
They didn't ask for their dad to start a new family. Bit embarrassing if nothing else when you're in your twenties and dad has started breeding all over again. If they are not that keen right now, it's probably mostly because toddlers are pretty unimpressive to most young twenty-somethings. Who knows, that may change, or it may very much stay 'first family' 'second family'. They are always biologically related though.

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TheNeverEndingSt0ry · 12/06/2022 20:39

If he had them really young and you’re 8 years younger than your DP then surely that must mean there’s less than 10 years between you and them?

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aSofaNearYou · 12/06/2022 20:46

I think you are right to discuss it with your DH and ask him to tone it down because it's breeding disappointment.

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Hardbackwriter · 12/06/2022 21:04

I think if he's waxing lyrical about them/how much their big sister loves her or whatever to the toddler then you could ask him to stop, but that saying they can't be referred to as her brother and sister is weird - they are, and it's weirder to refer to them as if they were just random adults. She'll realise that family names don't mean the same relationship in every case, in the same way that 'auntie' can mean anything from 'second mother' to 'stranger' but still get called 'aunt whatever'.

I also think that their dad could ask them to make more effort, but it depends a bit on how much effort he makes with them - do they see him on his own sometimes? If these are the only times they see their dad then I can see why they don't spend it playing with a toddler. If they generally have a good and active relationship with him, though, then I think he can ask they try a bit harder. It might well just be thoughtless on their behalf, or they may not really know how to interact with her. I was really awkward with little children at that age, but I wasn't deliberately being nasty, I just didn't know what to do/say - toddlers are quite weird little creatures if you're not used to them! I also used to struggle to understand little children speaking (which would really offend their parents, who would invariably crisply inform me that their child's speech was amazingly advanced), whereas now I'm tuned into it and fluent!

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Sunnytwobridges · 12/06/2022 21:11

R1408 · 12/06/2022 17:42

Probably forgot rather than ignored.

Lots of adults aren't particularly interested in toddlers!

This. My sister has a son and honestly I just forget his bday. I’m not a bday person and Im not really interested in children so I would never remember any child’s bday.

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erinaceus · 12/06/2022 21:23

I just don't want them to be reffered as big brother/sister if they don't have brother/sister relationship.

That’s just bizarre. Many, many sibling (and other) relationships do not involve birthday cards nor much attention paid. If you start policing how your DH refers to his own children, you are reducing the chances of a more involved relationship when your DC is older for example.

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LaFloristaCalista · 12/06/2022 21:32

They are still siblings so not referring them by "brother" or "sister" is odd. Fair enough that the adult DC are not interested in a relationship with the toddler but they are still related, and in 30 years time, when their dad is in a nursing home, they might decide they do enjoy each other's company. I spent many years without seeing my own sister as we had nothing in common. But now that we are older, we quite enjoy each other's company

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Nanny0gg · 12/06/2022 21:34

Sunnytwobridges · 12/06/2022 21:11

This. My sister has a son and honestly I just forget his bday. I’m not a bday person and Im not really interested in children so I would never remember any child’s bday.

So presumably you don't see him that often?

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Naan32 · 12/06/2022 21:40

@Notimportantbut I think the mention of birthday in your title has distracted away from the real issue, which is the obvious indifference they show to your DC. Of course leaving the room when your DC tries to interact with them is going to be hurtful.

As other posters have said, it's true that older siblings might not want much to do with new babies from a new partner, although this is often exacerbated by some cheating, which does not apply in this case.

I don't think stopping references to them being your DC's siblings will help, but you should definitely talk to your partner in direct terms about the behaviour you have picked up on and that it has reached a point where your DC is old enough to notice and be hurt by it.

He can then discuss things with his older DC and see where they stand, e.g. if they are willing to make the effort to engage more with your DC or if they just are not comfortable/ready for that. Then you can make a decision together as to what will be the best way to handle future interactions and conversations in front of your DC about her older siblings (although never mentioning them in front of her would be too extreme).

In an ideal world your DSC would happily have the same closeness with your DC as with each other/other immediate relatives. In the real world you often just have to choose the least bad option, which might end up being that your DH spends time with his older DC without your DC and vice versa.

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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2022 23:07

ImAvingOops · 12/06/2022 20:31

I was 15 when my parents had twins. They are my full siblings so maybe that makes a difference, but there was still a big age gap and I was away at university by the time they were 3. I still loved them and showed interest in them. Age and distance isn't an excuse - they would do it if they wanted to and if they are making no effort it's because they don't want to. This is a horrible attitude to take towards a child. Okay, they may not be happy about the second family situation, but none of this is the baby's fault. They need to grow the fuck up and address any gripes with their dad and stop being so mean to an innocent child.

Well said.

Tbh if I was in my twenties and my dad shacked up with someone and produced a sprog I would be a bit 🤢. I don’t think you can blame them for not wanting a relationship with her uh, yeah I can. They're adults, they should be able to manage some basic good manners. If they have kids and the Dad ignores them because he never asked for Grandkids, is that OK? If he goes to their house and basically blanks the kids? He hasn't SHACKED up, he's married and OP said they've been together a good while. There's 8 years age gap so he hasn't married someone his kids age. And he hasn't produced a sprog, he's fathered a baby, just like he did with their Mom.

If they can't even be polite to the child in her own home, they should see their father elsewhere. We're not talking kids who are entitled to shared custody at Dad's.

@Notimportantbut I think I'd point out to DH that she needs to learn their names, not their blood ties. He's labouring the big sis / bro out of guilt. There's no benefit to your child to have that relationship shoved in her face when she'll soon understand everyone else's brother and sister talk to them. However it is a relationship, so I wouldn't lie either. Birthday cards etc get to Sister etc, family tree at school on they go on, but he doesn't need to keep bleating on.

I'd also either start planning fun out activities for when they visit or ask DH to go to theirs to visit.

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SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2022 23:09

Sunnytwobridges · 12/06/2022 21:11

This. My sister has a son and honestly I just forget his bday. I’m not a bday person and Im not really interested in children so I would never remember any child’s bday.

If you can remember your sisters or your friends, you can remember your nephews. Its a choice to not do so. If you forget everyone's birthday then that's different.

Do yo u also ignore your nephew when he tries to talk to you, leave the room when he's trying to connect to you etc?

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Sunnytwobridges · 13/06/2022 00:13

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2022 23:09

If you can remember your sisters or your friends, you can remember your nephews. Its a choice to not do so. If you forget everyone's birthday then that's different.

Do yo u also ignore your nephew when he tries to talk to you, leave the room when he's trying to connect to you etc?

I remember a few peoples birthdays. I wouldn’t remember a kids bday as I don’t converse with children, any children. Bdays aren’t important to me as I said so I only remember those who I talk to regularly.

I would not ignore the kid if he tries to talk to me, that’s rude. I will listen to what he says even tho it’s painful as like I said I don’t really like kids. And I will respond back and hope he won’t talk to me anymore 😂

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OppsUpsSide · 13/06/2022 00:14

It happens with siblings, we usually make up for it along the way somewhere. You don’t really need to get involved

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SleepingStandingUp · 13/06/2022 00:21

Sunnytwobridges · 13/06/2022 00:13

I remember a few peoples birthdays. I wouldn’t remember a kids bday as I don’t converse with children, any children. Bdays aren’t important to me as I said so I only remember those who I talk to regularly.

I would not ignore the kid if he tries to talk to me, that’s rude. I will listen to what he says even tho it’s painful as like I said I don’t really like kids. And I will respond back and hope he won’t talk to me anymore 😂

He's not "the kid", he's your nephew. I'm sure your sister is heartened that you force yourself to carry out basic civility to her child whilst actively disliking him.

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Sunnytwobridges · 13/06/2022 00:23

SleepingStandingUp · 13/06/2022 00:21

He's not "the kid", he's your nephew. I'm sure your sister is heartened that you force yourself to carry out basic civility to her child whilst actively disliking him.

Oh let it go. I don’t like any kids and she knows this so she’s far from disheartened 😂

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ImAvingOops · 13/06/2022 06:34

She probably is hurt though, just not saying anything to you. Your sister will want her child to feel special to you, even if you don't really care for children generally, be a they aren't just any child.

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ForeverFleur · 13/06/2022 06:52

Your husband hadn’t done a very good job with his children is what I’d think.

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Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 13/06/2022 07:00

My stepson never sends dd a birthday card unless he sees her and then he normally gives her some money or something. Used to annoy me but now she has got a phone,their relationship is developing quite nicely without any intervention from me

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BahHumbug2 · 13/06/2022 08:44

Ragwort · 12/06/2022 17:17

I think you expectations aren't far too high. How old are adult DSC? Many young adults (my own DS included) are just not interested in birthdays, 'family' celebrations at all .. even their own.
I am sure your toddler doesn't know or care if he gets a birthday card from his half sister/brother.

I think this is just making excuses. I don't particularly care that much about, for example, my aunt's birthday but I send her a text message. It's called just being caring / a family. There's only so long that you can excuse this behaviour in adults.

I would expect any adult sibling to wish their brother / sister a happy birthday. I'd think they were actually really self centred if they didn't think to.

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BahHumbug2 · 13/06/2022 08:51

In fact looking back, my DSS (who's a child) manages to wish their younger sibling happy birthday. It's not difficult.

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rowkaza · 13/06/2022 08:56

Did the adult children have a good relationship with their dad growing up?

Do you have a good relationship with the adult children?

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lassof · 13/06/2022 09:18

BahHumbug2 · 13/06/2022 08:44

I think this is just making excuses. I don't particularly care that much about, for example, my aunt's birthday but I send her a text message. It's called just being caring / a family. There's only so long that you can excuse this behaviour in adults.

I would expect any adult sibling to wish their brother / sister a happy birthday. I'd think they were actually really self centred if they didn't think to.

That's your family expectation of caring, not universal. We don't do any birthdays beyond immediate family and I've noticed the kids, now they've left home, don't send birthday messages to each other either. They still chat loads and are close, we just aren't a birthday type family.
Imagine ... in some major religions, where family is central to everything,... birthdays aren't even celebrated at all.

The ops issue goes beyond birthdays and is possibly because the adult stepchildren are less than impressed with a new step family. They may wish just a relationship with their father.

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BahHumbug2 · 13/06/2022 09:23

Siblings are surely immediate family?

I guess it depends if it goes both way? Do they expect to be wished a happy birthday? If they aren't birthday people and that's their reason I assume they won't be bothered at all if OP and her husband stop wishing them a happy birthday 🤷‍♀️

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