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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult DSC ignored toddler's birthday

143 replies

Notimportantbut · 12/06/2022 17:02

On the grand scheme of things I know there are worst things in life but I feel conflicted.
Adult DSCs ignored my toddler, their half sibling's birthday. Not even a text to their dad to say anything. There was no drama ever, I was no other woman, we have been married for years, everything is amicable. We all are friendly. They just never show any interest. They would interact with my little person a bit when they are here, but it feels always with reluctance. It is starting to cause upset my little one.
There is a huge age gap, I get it. If they don't want any relationship it is fine with me. What I feel very angry about is this fake pretence of my little person actually having siblings. I get annoyed when their dad talks to my toddler mentioning 'big brother/sister'. Would I be unreasonable to ask him to stop? Just because he has other children it doesn't mean my toddler has sibling in reality. Would be nice if they had relationship, but I would rather not build any expectations for my little child. I don't want my toddler to think he did something wrong/ not good enough that his siblings completely ignore him.

OP posts:
BaaCake · 12/06/2022 18:07

RichardsGear · 12/06/2022 17:56

You would not be unreasonable to say to your husband that if they aren't going to make any effort then he needs to not keep on referring to them as siblings to the little one as it is setting her up for unrealistic expectations.

Exactly. The toddler won't be a toddler forever.

I agree. They can just be called their names with the knowledge that they are half siblings. Its so important toddlers learn who their family are and who is close to trust.

Owlilac · 12/06/2022 18:08

They don't have to have a relationship with their half-sibling if they don't want to tbh. It's rude, yeah, but if they don't feel a bond or want a connection, what can you do? Force them to like the kid?

TabbyKat87 · 12/06/2022 18:09

Do the stepchildren have kids themselves?

Owlilac · 12/06/2022 18:10

Just call them byrheir names from now on

Original poster
Notimportantbut · 12/06/2022 18:14

To answer a few questions:
DSCs (both of them) in early 20s. Little girl is 3 and very aware of her birthday. Granted she will not notice there is no card etc, but she does notice when they don't want to interact with her whenever they visit. She would would bring her little toys to them to show they smile, nod and then move to another room, play on the phone or continue with their chat. They never play with her, not even for 5 min. She looks visibly upset and I have to distract her.
We have spent holidays together, they spent time together in a sense of being in the same place at the same time, but they won't bother with her.
Birthday itself wouldn't bother me that much if they expressed even mild interest or even politeness to her when they are around.
As I said I think it would be nice if they had relationship, but not essential. What I want to avoid of my girl growing up when her dad keeps telling her she has big brother/sister when they have no relationship whatsoever.

OP posts:
PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 12/06/2022 18:16

Do the DSC see their DF often and did they growing up?

BaaCake · 12/06/2022 18:17

What I want to avoid of my girl growing up when her dad keeps telling her she has big brother/sister when they have no relationship whatsoever. I think she needs to grow up with knowledge that they are her half siblings but yes I agree she doesn't need it drilled into her that these are her big brother/sister. Poor thing is going to get confused and upset when everyone with a close brother and sister explain what their relationship is like and hers is being ignored.

RichardsGear · 12/06/2022 18:21

Yep - rude. I couldn't be arsed with little kids when I was in my 20s tbh but I wouldn't have gone on like that. I wonder if people would still make excuses for these SC if it was their hypothetical 80 year old Great Aunt Mabel they were ignoring when she tried to make conversation with them. "Well, not everyone likes old people..."

It's pretty crap really.

ittakes2 · 12/06/2022 18:22

I think you might be projecting a toddler can’t understand an adult being their sibling.

BaaCake · 12/06/2022 18:22

RichardsGear · 12/06/2022 18:21

Yep - rude. I couldn't be arsed with little kids when I was in my 20s tbh but I wouldn't have gone on like that. I wonder if people would still make excuses for these SC if it was their hypothetical 80 year old Great Aunt Mabel they were ignoring when she tried to make conversation with them. "Well, not everyone likes old people..."

It's pretty crap really.

I agree. Just becuase someone is 3 doesn't mean it's ok to ignore them.

Bananarama21 · 12/06/2022 18:23

Its totally different to growing up with a sibling to have a sibling with such a big age gap. How did they react to their dad having a baby? Do they have children of there own?.It might be unsettling for them seeing there father starting over with the baby years when In theory he could be a grandparent. There's lots of things that could be at play here.

BaaCake · 12/06/2022 18:23

ittakes2 · 12/06/2022 18:22

I think you might be projecting a toddler can’t understand an adult being their sibling.

How do you think they learn this though? They don't just wake up one day.

Herejustforthisone · 12/06/2022 18:39

Of course it’s rude. They’re functioning adults. How hard is it to buy a card for fuck’s sake?

Riapia · 12/06/2022 19:00

“My little person”.
FFS

RedWingBoots · 12/06/2022 19:04

BaaCake · 12/06/2022 18:17

What I want to avoid of my girl growing up when her dad keeps telling her she has big brother/sister when they have no relationship whatsoever. I think she needs to grow up with knowledge that they are her half siblings but yes I agree she doesn't need it drilled into her that these are her big brother/sister. Poor thing is going to get confused and upset when everyone with a close brother and sister explain what their relationship is like and hers is being ignored.

At 3 she doesn't know what a brother or sister actually means.

My 3 year old doesn't understand that concept and there is a smaller age gap.

When the 3 year old goes to school they will understand by then

RedWingBoots · 12/06/2022 19:06

BaaCake · 12/06/2022 18:23

How do you think they learn this though? They don't just wake up one day.

Show quote history

It takes until they are at school.

I use to have fun telling my nephews and nieces that my mum or dad was my brother or sister.

Most of them would just look blank. While the others would ask questions then tell me I was wrong.

This is because I was still studying while their parents were working.

erinaceus · 12/06/2022 19:08

Before you start throwing your toys out of the pram and ask your DH to stop mentioning them, are you able to have a calm conversation with all of the adults, explain how important it is to you that your child receive a birthday card from them each year, and that they pay attention to your toddler when they are around him. Some people are just not that great with birthday cards and not all young adults are interested in toddlers. It sounds more like mismatched expectations than active ignoring.

blugray · 12/06/2022 19:10

Omg you are overreacting

they probably are unaware of the birthday as they have their own life to lead, being a fully grown adult that doesn’t like with you and all…

beyond that, it’s not like the toddler would receive the message or understand it. The birthday text would basically be for your enjoyment

blugray · 12/06/2022 19:10

Like = live

MichelleScarn · 12/06/2022 19:12

What do you and your dh and dc do for their birthday @Notimportantbut? Have you been in their lives long before dc was born?

Do you generally get on well with them?

Original poster
Notimportantbut · 12/06/2022 19:15

They somehow manage to buy cards for other relatives. I don't care about a card, it would be nice to get some sort of acknowledgement. A text would be great.
I am fully aware she doesn't fully understand what sibling is yet. She will soon though.

OP posts:
SupernaturalHamster · 12/06/2022 19:18

They never asked for their dad to have a second family. Some kids, especially older ones, aren't v interested in the second family kids understandably so. Especially as there is such a big age gap.

I agree it would be the polite/kind/adult thing for them to recognise her but you can't force it. You might find as she gets older they pay more interest.

ChocolateHippo · 12/06/2022 19:18

OP, I think you're being a little unreasonable on the birthday (maybe their dad should remind them in advance...), but not on the failure to interact when you're all together.

My younger DBro is not fond of small children and doesn't ever intend to have any himself, but even he manages to show a little bit of interest in my DS when we are visiting parents at the same time and will play with him while I have a shower.

Nanny0gg · 12/06/2022 19:19

Sounds a similar age gap to the one I had with my nieces and nephews

They lived close by, I saw a lot of them and I was expected to (and did anyway) show an interest.

I think your DSC should too

RedWingBoots · 12/06/2022 19:22

Notimportantbut · 12/06/2022 19:15

They somehow manage to buy cards for other relatives. I don't care about a card, it would be nice to get some sort of acknowledgement. A text would be great.
I am fully aware she doesn't fully understand what sibling is yet. She will soon though.

OP you making the birthday an issue but the actual issue is their shitty behaviour when they see their younger sibling.

Your DH needs to pull them up on it. He needs to tell them to stay off their phones and actually interact with their sibling. He needs to suggest things for them to do.

Many young adults don't know how to interact with young children so need to be clearly told.