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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Teenagers room

36 replies

Xpel · 15/05/2022 19:59

Argument between me and H this evening, need a rant!

I have joint DC with DH and he has two teenagers (13 & 15) who share a room here (a room which is always a tip but part and parcel of teens I know!).

Anyway, he's rubbish at enforcing rules regarding their room. I'd prefer it if they could keep rubbish, glasses etc... out of there and open the window for a bit in the mornings as it gets really smelly but it's never enforced and I hate always being the one to nag so I've gotten to the point where I just leave them to it and don't go in there at all other than to occasionally air it out when they go to their mum's. I don't strip the beds anymore or anything so they don't get done for long periods of time either, something which when I asked about on here previously I was told I shouldn't be going in their room anyway without permission so..

On Friday I had a day off work and DC was in nursery and my plan was to clean the house (we have a toddler DC so...!). Spent all day doing it, cleaning and mopping the kitchen, scrubbing skirting boards, dusting, hoovering, tidying, moving crap to the attic out of the way ect!

DSC due to stay that night and were moaning (not much, they have a few moans every now and then but they are generally pretty good kids) their room hadn't been done, DH then questions me on why I haven't tidied their room when I was doing the rest of the house!

Erm because it's a pig sty and they are old enough to look after it themselves!? Even my toddler helps me put their own toys away.

I completely get that teens are messy, I accept they aren't going to have an immaculate room and that mine will also likely be the same at their age, but not sure why that means I need to go in and tidy it when it's gross! I'm not a slave.

Anyway .. rant over. Pissed me off that instead of saying 'well tidy it then' to them he made it out like I was being unreasonable for not doing it for them.

OP posts:

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Googlecanthelpme · 15/05/2022 20:09

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

It’s a matter of respect - if they can’t at least bring their rubbish out or pick crap up off the floor why would you be expected to go in and clean it?

I only clean my DSC room if they have cleared the floor and it’s not a total shit tip. If it’s a shit hole then I just go in, open the curtains and window then close the door and leave it.

You’re right in that you’re not a slave. They are old enough to clean up after themselves anf they’re cheeky fuckers to think you should go in and pick up their shit after them? They must get their attitude and entitlement from their dad.

one time when my DSC have stuffed a load of clean clothes in the wash bin rather than put them away I asked them directly why did they think it was OK to expect me to clean their mess? Why was it my job to pick up their dirty knickers and make their beds and bring down chocolate wrappers? They both stood there like idiots mouth open, didn’t know what to say. They haven’t been half as bad since.

Googlecanthelpme · 15/05/2022 20:12

I should add that I would be the same for DSC or my own children. The “step” is irrelevant. It’s a matter of teaching children to respect themselves and their own space as well as respecting others - just laid there like little piglets throwing shite on the floor and expecting others to clean up after them. Ugh!

BungleandGeorge · 15/05/2022 20:15

Does your husband do his share of the tidying and cleaning? If he’s bothered by the mess why hasn’t be cleaned it up?

BungleandGeorge · 15/05/2022 20:18

The thing with teens is that they’re not expecting or wanting anyone to tidy up after them, they just genuinely don’t care! Which makes it difficult to find leverage to get them to tidy up!

Babyghirl · 15/05/2022 20:19

@Xpel
There big enough to tidy it up themselves, but with my ss room i go in when he goes home and clean it but i have ocd so i have to lol.

But when he comes and stays i sent him up with a plasic bag to put his rubbish in to and he brings it down next morning on his way out, have also told him that juat because hes allowed to do it in his mums does not mean hes allowed to do it here different house different rules. Would be different if his dad cleaned it but he doesnt so im not going to stand fpr him to make a mess and walk out and leave it like that.

Tigertealeaves · 15/05/2022 20:21

I feel your pain - my DSC throw their clean and dirty clothes on the floor of their room (and the bathroom) - when DP has said to me before why haven't I put those clothes in the wash I'm doing, I said I have no idea which are clean. His response - "just smell them".

Yep, that's definitely what's unreasonable, my refusal to sniff someone else's 14 year old son's used trousers...

My rule for hoovering, FWIW, is "I don't hoover any floors I can't see". My room was a shit tip as a teenager, so my parents told the cleaner she didn't have to do my room and I'd have to do it myself. She was being paid to clean the house and it was still unreasonable for her to tidy up a bomb site 15yo's room in order to find the floor.

RandomMess · 15/05/2022 20:24

I would be fuming with your DH and tell him if he wants to clean up after his teenagers he is more than welcome but you won't be and the same for your joint child too when they are that age.

HandshakesInTheHamptons · 15/05/2022 20:25

You have a husband problem. Why isn’t he doing housework? Or enforcing basic rules like bringing down glasses/plates/rubbish and either getting them to change their beds or doing it for them? If he did more, or actually parented his children and got them to do some basics, you may not mind doing things in their room. I couldn’t be with someone that didn’t do their fair share in the house, treated me like that and doesn’t parent their children. He’d have to change or he’d be out.

MadMadMadamMim · 15/05/2022 20:25

I'd have raised an eyebrow and said Because it's their room and I did them the courtesy of not invading their privacy.

I don't do my own teen's room. I'm not cleaning other people's bedrooms for them - and in return I don't expect them to do mine.

Karwomannghia · 15/05/2022 20:37

I do my ds’s room sometimes. It’s just clothes pots and rubbish (clean clothes go in a huge basket). It doesn’t take long. He’s chronically disorganised and forgets to clean his teeth etc. his mess bothers me so I’ll sort it or get him to help me but I have to direct him. He ends up focusing on one area far too much.
dd on other hand her room is at a level of tidiness I could never reach!
I think for your sdc if they’ve said don’t go in their room then they can’t expect you to tidy it. I’m used to giving specific instructions (I know) so I’d maybe say to dh just get the kids to put their rubbish in a bin bag and bring down all the pots in the 5 mins before tea or whatever. If he wants to tidy their rooms I wouldn’t stop him.

EL8888 · 15/05/2022 20:38

What did their last slave die off? They sound entitled and obnoxious. I wouldn’t give this any head space or air time. As is often the case, you have a husband problem

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 15/05/2022 20:40

Tell him those with a penis are also perfectly capable of tidying.. And that if he parented his dc they would be doing it themselves.

SoggyPaper · 15/05/2022 20:50

If he wants to clean their room, he can knock himself out. Or they can clean their own room.

I hope he’s not trying to pull some bonkers double standard argument as if it would be in any way reasonable to treat toddlers and teens in the same way.

Original poster

Xpel · 15/05/2022 21:33

I think for your sdc if they’ve said don’t go in their room then they can’t expect you to tidy it

They never said this sorry (they'd be quite happy for me to go in and tidy I'm sure), it was posters on here who told me I shouldn't go in when I mentioned their bed sheets not being changed for months because I refuse to do it now.

Apparently because I did the other DCs it would have been nice. Lol the other kids rooms weren't disgusting so...

OP posts:

Houseplantmad · 15/05/2022 21:37

I'm with you. I won't clean my own teens' rooms unless the floor is clear and all glasses/plates are returned to the kitchen. They also strip their beds when the sheets need washing.

SoggyPaper · 15/05/2022 21:42

I make my 12 year old dort his own sheets and bring out washing etc. I don’t let him have cups and plates up there at all.

He’s learning life skills. 😁

custardbear · 15/05/2022 21:48

Nope, my kids 13&10 have to do their rooms too, we occasionally help with particularly deep cleans

GarlicGnocchi · 16/05/2022 06:06

Apparently because I did the other DCs it would have been nice well yes it would have been nice wouldn't it. But it also would have been nice if the teens had kept their room in such a condition that showed they wanted their room tidy. They clearly don't so you're giving them what they want. If they want their room a smelly tip you are simply respecting that. They might have anything hidden in there they don't want you to see. Booze, embarrassing love letters to their latest crush, etc. I think all kids need to grow up learning if they don't respect their own surroundings they can't expect anyone else to.

GarlicGnocchi · 16/05/2022 06:08

And yes at that age they are perfectly capable of taking their sheets off their bed and asking you how the washing machine works.

Flatandhappy · 16/05/2022 06:11

I would be furious with your DH. Tell him that if he wants their room tidied then that can be part of his share of the housework - because he is responsible for half of the housework isn’t he …..

HandbagsnGladrags · 16/05/2022 08:14

I'd be making them clean their own room and keep it tidy. My SS's room gets cleaned by our cleaner but only if he leaves it tidy when he goes to his mum's. His sheets and towels don't get changed for months on end - not my job.

KangarooKenny · 16/05/2022 08:18

It’s not your job to clean up after them. They should respect that it is your home too, and should keep it clean/tidy. If they can’t/won’t then their dad needs to.
And I think you have every right to go into that room, you own the house,

ilovemyboys3 · 16/05/2022 08:50

Like I always say to my children and step children... this isn't a hotel or a restaurant and I'm not a slave. They all need to pitch in with their own personal spaces. Not saying they need to start cleaning the house but keeping their own rooms tidy, putting their shoes away as they come in, school bags away etc. Before my step children leave to go back to their mums, I ask them to make their beds and tidy up their room. It's not a lot to ask of them - why shouldn't they tidy up after themselves? Tell your husband that if he doesn't ensure his children keep their room tidy or help enforce the issue; then it's down to him to do it for them!

KylieKoKo · 16/05/2022 13:20

Dsd's bedroom door stays firmly shut when they are not here. They don't take plates/glasses in there so that's not an issue. They found out to their detriment that I don't hunt through their room looking for dirty washing and that they need to put things in the washing basket if they want it to he clean.

DP deals with their bedding and periodically asks them to strip their beds so they be washed.

I don't mind putting their stuff in the machine when we're washing anyway but I refuse to do the thinking behind what clothing they might need or going through their room to find stuff.

Youseethethingis1 · 16/05/2022 14:01

I had to chuckle at DHs "it would have been nice" comment. How about it would have been nice if he had backed you up and make sure his kids put their rubbish in the bin and brought dirty dishes back downstairs? I'm sure that would have been very nice indeed!
However, I was once told on here I should end my marriage as I obviously don't like my DSD because I handed her a plastic bag and asked her to pick up the rubbish that she had artfully strewn around her room so there's no accounting for how highly strung some people can be about these things where DSC are involved 😆

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