Who the hell does this to their child?!

[Lismoa]

I'm fuming and just need to vent!

We have been through an awful time with DSC's mum - crazy accusations, extreme parental alienation to the point that they've eventually been removed from her and now live with me and DH.
We wanted to take the DSC on holiday and knew she might try to block it in some way so we got a court order saying we could take them abroad and essentially forcing her permission to get the youngest a passport as he didn't have one. Initially she tried to delay things by repeatedly sending blurry photos of her own passport meaning her passport number was blurred (this was required for the application and the court had ordered she send her passport details) or photos that were so dark you couldn't read it or had the light shining brightly onto the passport number so you couldn't see. However eventually DH asked her for the passport number in person while collecting DSC and she gave him it, I'd guess because DSC were there and she didn't want to appear the bad guy blocking their holiday. The delay meant we had to pay extra to have the passport fast-tracked to make sure we had it in time but that's fine, at least we got it. After this she seemed to be starting to play ball and we thought maybe she was starting to mellow and realise that good relations were in the best interests of the children. She seemed to be being positive about the holiday to the children so we thought we were starting to make steps forward. We were so wrong!

We got away to our destination fine. She sent an unusual text on the first day saying - I'll assume you're all happy then- we thought it was her trying to make a point about DH not having told her we'd arrived (they have bare minimum contact with one another so it wouldn't have occurred to message her, DSC live full time with us and there's no contact between DH and his ex unless necessary). DH just replied saying DSC were very happy and having a great time and that was that.

On coming back into the country we were stopped at border control. She had reported oldest DSC's passport as being stolen. Apparently this was done just prior to our trip but it wasn't checked on the system on the way out the country (just checked visually rather than scanned) so they didn't clock it, nor did the country we were entering as they just did the same. Border control told us that if they had scanned his passport on the way out then he wouldn't have been allowed to leave the country and we couldn't have gone away.
We tried not to let the kids hear anything when the border control guy was telling us what was going on but the oldest kept trying to listen in and picked up on what was happening. His wee face when he realised what was going on and said to me - I know what's happened, my mum reported it as lost. She said the other week that she couldn't find my passport and would need to report it- it actually broke my heart for him. He looked absolutely broken, just devastated as the realisation hit him.
His mum has never had his passport in her possession. She has never taken him away anywhere, DH got DSS his passport after they had split up and has been the only one to ever take him away (which was only once so this holiday was a big deal to him) and has always had the passport.

Five minutes later, after literally saying - I know who it was, my mum did it- (we had been making out like it was a mistake that it had been reported stolen and he was saying - no, mum did it) he then started saying - I wonder who could have reported my passport as being stolen? That's so strange? Who would report a random person's passport as lost or stolen? -
It's obviously his way of dealing with it, by pretending to himself that she didn't do it even when he knows and was the one to say himself it was her. We went along with this, agreeing that it was all really strange and not mentioning his mum despite us all knowing fine well it was her. It feels like we're always doing this. We never say negative things about their mum and it's like we're constantly having to hide her behaviour from DSC to protect them from it so they don't get hurt or affected by it.

But I just can't get over how someone can be so bitter and twisted that they would do this to their own child in an attempt to stop them from having a nice holiday with their dad. It's so fucked up. She was prepared for her children to be all excited for going away, and she was adding to their excitement by being encouraging about the holiday, and then be turned away at the airport. I'm so so glad that the passports weren't scanned on the way out because the kids would have been completely devastated.

What I find hard sometimes though is that the kids will so easily convince themselves that she's an angel. I know it's the right thing for us to cover for her behaviour if it means they're less affected by it. It's to protect them and shield them from it but it's hard when for example even after what happened today they are talking about how they are going to show their mum their holiday photos and teach her the new words they've learned, like she's done nothing, and my mind is just screaming at her. It's better for them to see her that way though, I know, but it's just so frustrating. I felt so much anger towards her today, seeing them sitting there all anxious waiting at border control for ages while it all got sorted (which it thankfully did as DH had brought all the court documents with us just incase although DSS's passport was impounded and we'll likely need to go to court again to get another one).

I hate having such a toxic person in our lives.

I'd definitely be more open with the kids. Covering things up will just make everything more difficult and confusing for them. If you minimise things then your step-kids will do the same snd will think they have to put up with abusive behaviour.

Will he speak to her about it?

No, they have minimal contact.

Trickier for the Mum to do this, in this situation, as she never had it in the first place but someone who is this vindictive is likely to try and find excuses that could wash with some officials.

I can't go into details because it would be very outing if she were to somehow come across this thread but we have now realised that we have messages that we believe are from when she reported the passport stolen that basically confirm she knew DH had the passport. We didn't understand what they meant at the time and thought it was just her trying to goad DH but it makes total sense now and would hopefully confirm to officials that this was entirely malicious.

Thank you all for all the helpful and supportive advice and comments.

And thank you for sharing your experiences from the perspective of a SC, @polynomials. I'm really sorry you have had to go through that. I would absolutely not feel any anger towards DSC for minimising her actions, but I hadn't considered it from the perspective of them being potentially embarrassed by it.

@WhereWasThatFrom

I'd definitely be more open with the kids. Covering things up will just make everything more difficult and confusing for them. If you minimise things then your step-kids will do the same snd will think they have to put up with abusive behaviour.

I've not had SC however after going through a family trauma, letting them know that things aren't okay is acceptable. We did not lead too much but let them ask their own questions. Children don't deserve to be gaslighted as it adds to the confusion

You have no choice but to report her malicious false reporting of it being lost as she will attempt to do the same again with any one of their passports.

One thing I'd like to pick up on though is this use of the term gaslighting that some posters have written. I realise we need to be more open with the children, but we will be doing this moving forward with the advice and support of a professional. Those that are suggesting we are gaslighting them either are misinterpreting my post or misunderstand what gaslighting is. These are not things that the children are seeing that we are pretending haven't happened, they are not coming to us and telling us something happened at their mum's or that their mum has done or said something which we then minimise. We effectively just don't share with them the things that their mum has done that they're not aware of. We are not encouraging them to see these things as being okay, we were almost just trying to protect them from knowing that they were happening.

It's not easy to know exactly how to approach it all, particularly when things crop up in the moment, and we just want to do it in the way that is best for them. What we've been doing up until now may not have been perfect, but to suggest that we are gaslighting them suggests that we're intentionally damaging them and it's quite upsetting to read that.

@apricotlane

@Goawayangryman I consider it to be a problem with control and I am aware of it but I would not be able to allow another woman to exert influence over my child without great pain and suffering and I daresay it would lead me to some kind of emotional meltdown.

I get what you're saying actually. I think as much as stepparents and stepmums imparticular talk of their unique struggles.....there doesn't seem to be any empathy for how a mum feels or what she goes through.

The OPs situation is a bit different, as there is absolutely no excuse for the kids mum to have been so vindictive. What she did is diabolical and I truly question a mum who would do something that would hurt her own kids. That's not love.

She can be upset if she wants, but to do this is disgraceful behaviour. No matter how upset I may have been internally, I would have my kids as the top priority and I couldn't imagine their disappointment of being all packed at the airport, all excited and not being able to enjoy a holiday they were looking forward to.

Her behaviour is not normal. No normal person would do what she did.

One thing I'd like to pick up on though is this use of the term gaslighting that some posters have written

Gaslighting is one of the words used so inappropriately these days and gets thrown out like anyhow.

It really does annoy me, because I've seen it on so many forums in recent years...it just shows those using the word don't truly know the meaning... and have clung on to it.

You're not gaslighting the kids.
You're not convincing them that something they believe to be true is false.

You've not done anything wrong and have handled that side of things well. The kids will see her for what she is, if she doesn't stop this nonsense.

Of course they want to believe she great. It's a loyalty bind and even when kids are being overtly abused by a parent, they often still protect them.

The word GASLIGHTING is so misused...people really need to educate themselves before saying it.

I find the same with the term narcissistic. It's thrown out at the drop of a hat.

What an awful situation.

I'm not a step parent, but I am a parent who has spent years minimising and covering up for my children's father. I bought presents from him, hid the awful things he did, I was nothing but nice about him and made excuses for his shitty behaviour.

Only now that my oldest 2 are into adulthood have I realised that I fucked up.

They now realise that he is a shit father, out for himself, and this image I presented of him is completely false.

Instead of getting through that realisation, with my support, as children, they have discovered the truth as adults and I severely regret it, although I felt I was doing it in the best interests of my kids.

Don't cover up for their mum, tell them the truth and support them, she won't become a better parent, and they should know that in an age appropriate way.

I asked my kids "and what do you think?" Rather than supplying them with an answer. I never lied to the kids, or varnished the truth.

We are having a similar problem in the fact that our DSD mum won't let her come on holiday with us next year and I don't think there is anything we can do about it.
My partner has a court order in order to see her but I'm not sure if that covers taking her out of the country. Her mum calls the shots over everything, school and what activities she does etc. we have to ask her permission. She has said no we can't take her so guess she will be missing out on a family holiday, her dad is really upset.

You have plenty of time to take it to court to take her with you? The ex would have to have very compelling reasons to stop the courts agreeing.

Can you take someone to court to allow to take them on holiday.
We just know on the day of the holiday she will say she is unwell and can't go etc
Her reason for saying no is because of what is going on in the world at the minute. We are only going to Spain

I guess you ask to have her for the week before as well.

@Lorddenning1

Can you take someone to court to allow to take them on holiday. We just know on the day of the holiday she will say she is unwell and can't go etc Her reason for saying no is because of what is going on in the world at the minute. We are only going to Spain

Yes, we had a court order stating that we could take the children abroad on holiday from x date to y date.

We were pushing it for 10 days to be fair, she changes her mind all the time, when she is seeing someone she tries to palm her off on anyone who will have her but when she is single she keeps her close, im guessing she is going through a hard time as she won't even allow him to have her for a full weekend this week.
I know we are going to have so many battles, we are currently dealing with her pushing her own anxiety on her so when she is with us she rings all the time and asks is she missing mummy, which in the past has resulted in the little one breaking down and says she wants her mummy. It's not fair!
I also have 2 boys and I have always worked with my ex to put the boys first regardless of how I feel, it's the child that loses out and I don't know how people can't see that.

@Lismoa thank you for that, I will speak to my other half about this.
I know he is scared to death of the courts due to his experience last time and he thinks in the interim she will take her away again, this is why he hasn't pushed for more days with her. She made up lies and made the courts issue a drug test and all sorts, which of course he passed. Things we have to put up with.