Who the hell does this to their child?!

[Lismoa]

I'm fuming and just need to vent!

We have been through an awful time with DSC's mum - crazy accusations, extreme parental alienation to the point that they've eventually been removed from her and now live with me and DH.
We wanted to take the DSC on holiday and knew she might try to block it in some way so we got a court order saying we could take them abroad and essentially forcing her permission to get the youngest a passport as he didn't have one. Initially she tried to delay things by repeatedly sending blurry photos of her own passport meaning her passport number was blurred (this was required for the application and the court had ordered she send her passport details) or photos that were so dark you couldn't read it or had the light shining brightly onto the passport number so you couldn't see. However eventually DH asked her for the passport number in person while collecting DSC and she gave him it, I'd guess because DSC were there and she didn't want to appear the bad guy blocking their holiday. The delay meant we had to pay extra to have the passport fast-tracked to make sure we had it in time but that's fine, at least we got it. After this she seemed to be starting to play ball and we thought maybe she was starting to mellow and realise that good relations were in the best interests of the children. She seemed to be being positive about the holiday to the children so we thought we were starting to make steps forward. We were so wrong!

We got away to our destination fine. She sent an unusual text on the first day saying - I'll assume you're all happy then- we thought it was her trying to make a point about DH not having told her we'd arrived (they have bare minimum contact with one another so it wouldn't have occurred to message her, DSC live full time with us and there's no contact between DH and his ex unless necessary). DH just replied saying DSC were very happy and having a great time and that was that.

On coming back into the country we were stopped at border control. She had reported oldest DSC's passport as being stolen. Apparently this was done just prior to our trip but it wasn't checked on the system on the way out the country (just checked visually rather than scanned) so they didn't clock it, nor did the country we were entering as they just did the same. Border control told us that if they had scanned his passport on the way out then he wouldn't have been allowed to leave the country and we couldn't have gone away.
We tried not to let the kids hear anything when the border control guy was telling us what was going on but the oldest kept trying to listen in and picked up on what was happening. His wee face when he realised what was going on and said to me - I know what's happened, my mum reported it as lost. She said the other week that she couldn't find my passport and would need to report it- it actually broke my heart for him. He looked absolutely broken, just devastated as the realisation hit him.
His mum has never had his passport in her possession. She has never taken him away anywhere, DH got DSS his passport after they had split up and has been the only one to ever take him away (which was only once so this holiday was a big deal to him) and has always had the passport.

Five minutes later, after literally saying - I know who it was, my mum did it- (we had been making out like it was a mistake that it had been reported stolen and he was saying - no, mum did it) he then started saying - I wonder who could have reported my passport as being stolen? That's so strange? Who would report a random person's passport as lost or stolen? -
It's obviously his way of dealing with it, by pretending to himself that she didn't do it even when he knows and was the one to say himself it was her. We went along with this, agreeing that it was all really strange and not mentioning his mum despite us all knowing fine well it was her. It feels like we're always doing this. We never say negative things about their mum and it's like we're constantly having to hide her behaviour from DSC to protect them from it so they don't get hurt or affected by it.

But I just can't get over how someone can be so bitter and twisted that they would do this to their own child in an attempt to stop them from having a nice holiday with their dad. It's so fucked up. She was prepared for her children to be all excited for going away, and she was adding to their excitement by being encouraging about the holiday, and then be turned away at the airport. I'm so so glad that the passports weren't scanned on the way out because the kids would have been completely devastated.

What I find hard sometimes though is that the kids will so easily convince themselves that she's an angel. I know it's the right thing for us to cover for her behaviour if it means they're less affected by it. It's to protect them and shield them from it but it's hard when for example even after what happened today they are talking about how they are going to show their mum their holiday photos and teach her the new words they've learned, like she's done nothing, and my mind is just screaming at her. It's better for them to see her that way though, I know, but it's just so frustrating. I felt so much anger towards her today, seeing them sitting there all anxious waiting at border control for ages while it all got sorted (which it thankfully did as DH had brought all the court documents with us just incase although DSS's passport was impounded and we'll likely need to go to court again to get another one).

I hate having such a toxic person in our lives.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro You may well be the better parent but tbh you haven't done the hard stuff have you? I think you need to read all my comments though. I don't think the 'other person' just sitting back and letting it happen is necessarily something you're just entitled to.

Of course it would be easier if your dps's mother didn't exist and didn't cause trouble for you, like I say you could then live your disneyland existence absolved of it all. But people are not disposable like that. His mother exists and you have infiltrated a family dynamic. So there are consequences.

@apricotlane no but if my ex partner did acquire a new partner, well, I'd just have to deal. But my kids are older, at 10.and 12.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro You may well be the better parent but tbh you haven't done the hard stuff have you? I think you need to read all my comments though. I don't think the 'other person' just sitting back and letting it happen is necessarily something you're just entitled to.

Of course it would be easier if your dps's mother didn't exist and didn't cause trouble for you, like I say you could then live your disneyland existence absolved of it all. But people are not disposable like that. His mother exists and you have infiltrated a family dynamic. So there are consequences.[/quote]
I really don't think the step parenting board is the right place for you with this attitude.

Step mothers have done nothing to the mother by existing, they do not need to accept "consequences"

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro You may well be the better parent but tbh you haven't done the hard stuff have you? I think you need to read all my comments though. I don't think the 'other person' just sitting back and letting it happen is necessarily something you're just entitled to.

Of course it would be easier if your dps's mother didn't exist and didn't cause trouble for you, like I say you could then live your disneyland existence absolved of it all. But people are not disposable like that. His mother exists and you have infiltrated a family dynamic. So there are consequences.[/quote]
What hard stuff? I quite literally mothered her child when she kicked him out, just as he turned into a teenager. I may not have given birth to him but fuck me I have done some hard stuff.

Sitting back and letting what happen? Her ex move on? What do you suggest she should have done?

I haven't infiltrated a family dynamic at all. They weren't a together family when I came on the scene. They were very much a separated unit. I cannot believe you're essentially blaming her abusing her child on my presence.

That's pretty disgusting actually. Basically a mother can abuse her own child and it's the step mothers fault. That's a pretty fucked up way of looking at it!

@Goawayangryman but you've split prior. I don't know what the situation is for the OP but I would say that's slightly different to being traded in or affair etc and then somewhat supplanted. Either way the reality might raise things you didn't initially think you'd find difficult.

It's not the trouble she causes for me I have an issue with, I'm a grown adult and I think she's a silly twat, but her child needs a decent mother. She doesn't care about him enough to be that, she hates me and dp more than she loves him. That's on her, not me.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro This is an adult discussion and I'm sure you can cope with it. All stepmothers should be able to cope with the notion that they may not be a welcome prospect to the actual mother. It's hardly a new issue.

I had no real idea of your individual set-up. So I am not remotely implying it is your fault, but just that people shouldn't expect an easy ride when a child is involved. I only have your say that she is an 'abuser' and that word is thrown around here for sure. You may have provided sanctuary for her child when he behaved completely unacceptably for her. That's fine. Goodo. Well played. Different scenario.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro She sounds dreadful. I'm glad you're there to help him. I'm simply offering another perspective as an able and loving parent that might be presented with the prospect of another woman having say over my kids.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro This is an adult discussion and I'm sure you can cope with it. All stepmothers should be able to cope with the notion that they may not be a welcome prospect to the actual mother. It's hardly a new issue.

I had no real idea of your individual set-up. So I am not remotely implying it is your fault, but just that people shouldn't expect an easy ride when a child is involved. I only have your say that she is an 'abuser' and that word is thrown around here for sure. You may have provided sanctuary for her child when he behaved completely unacceptably for her. That's fine. Goodo. Well played. Different scenario.[/quote]
Well there's world's between a welcome prospect and abusing your own child and blaming it on the sheet existence of another woman, no? That's what you're suggesting is okay.

I didn't expect an easy ride, what I also didn't expect was someone to hate me more than they love their child.

You do only have my word for it, but you've clearly implied what you think, and seemingly that is oh it's hard so if mummy acts like a total abusive shit that fine and it's all the younger models fault.

Sorry, but no. You model behaviour for your children. We all have to be civil with people we don't like. You deal with it. You have a child knowing this is a possibility.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro She sounds dreadful. I'm glad you're there to help him. I'm simply offering another perspective as an able and loving parent that might be presented with the prospect of another woman having say over my kids.[/quote]
It's a very selfish view. I am also a mother and there is no way in hell I'd behave like a twat because I didn't like the fact my ex husband had moved on. Do you know why? Because I've seen what that does to a child.

Also this is a bizarre choice of thread to start airing your views about this, one where the mother is clearly in the wrong and hurting her children.

It's ok, I will never split with my partner. So the scenario cannot occur.

How do you know they will never leave you though?

Your thinking seems quite messed up and unhealthy to me.

@apricotlane

I'm not really sure where to start in terms of responding to your posts. This behaviour from their mum started long before I even met DH so it has nothing to do with her not being able to cope with them having a step-parent in their lives. And even if she was struggling with the idea of a step-parent, it in no way can excuse her behaving in a way that's detrimental to her children. That's just not okay.

I would love more than anything for us all to have a good relationship but we are way way beyond any kind of discussion to understand each other. It would make everyone's lives so much easier but instead we are at the point of minimal contact between her and DH and zero her and me in order to protect ourselves.
I am not an angry or combative person. I prefer to avoid conflict and drama in my life. I met and fell in love with a man who had children already with his ex-partner. I would never have chosen to be a step-parent but over time I am falling in love with his children more and more. We aren't a traditional family unit but we are a positive and happy household. I'm proud of how much DSC have thrived since coming to live with us, before signing them off the social worker said they were like different children. We're not perfect and some of the advice on this thread has made me realise that there's things we need to be doing differently and DH and I have already been discussing and agreeing on this today as a result and will be taking a different approach moving forward. But his ex and her feelings are not our priority, his children and their wellbeing is. It may be hurtful for her that her children live elsewhere and that we take them to do things they enjoy but the children were removed from her for very real reasons and she was given countless opportunities and 'second chances' by the court before the decision was finally made for them to come live with us.

You can refer to it as 'Disneylanding' but the holiday wasn't just a getaway. It was our first family holiday and in all honesty it was hard-going finding our feet and the dynamics of it all. But it was such a positive experience for the children as individuals in terms of learning and experiencing another culture and also for us as a family. At dinner tonight we were talking about what was our favourite things about the holiday and oldest DSS said that his favourite thing was just us all being together and the others agreed. I feel like in the space of a week our bond as a family has really solidified and I'm so glad that it happened.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I didn't know the thread was a specific subject. I came to it through the main page because it interested me. I didn't know that all things in the stepmother forum must only support stepmothering and never offer another perspective. I originally was trying to think how it could be resolved, perhaps with more empathy. She sounds batty.

You don't need to be insecure and angry about your position. You seem to know you're doing a good job. But the abusive mother is not always the scenario either is it. I was just interested in it as a person who would struggle with someone else being involved. Glad you can overcome it and make your family-life interchangeable with anyone. Not everyone can do that easily.

And actually, I'd bet the best thing that OP's husband ever did was be apart from that toxic woman and introduce a sane and caring maternal figure into his children's life. Sometimes there are good reasons that marriages fail. There are definitely strong reasons when a father is awarded full custody of his children.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I didn't know the thread was a specific subject. I came to it through the main page because it interested me. I didn't know that all things in the stepmother forum must only support stepmothering and never offer another perspective. I originally was trying to think how it could be resolved, perhaps with more empathy. She sounds batty.

You don't need to be insecure and angry about your position. You seem to know you're doing a good job. But the abusive mother is not always the scenario either is it. I was just interested in it as a person who would struggle with someone else being involved. Glad you can overcome it and make your family-life interchangeable with anyone. Not everyone can do that easily.[/quote]
That's not at all what anyone is saying. I appreciate your perspective, I'm entitled to believe that it's incredibly selfish.

I'm not saying you have to relish the idea of your children having a step parent. Nobody gets married with the intent of divorcing do they? But it is a distinct possibility.

I'm not insecure in the slightest, but thanks for that little dig.

Again, nobody has claimed the abusive mother is always the scenario. It's not, of course. Most women are capable of behaving civilly and love their children enough to let their ex move on. You've stated you basically wouldn't let it happen. You've not really explained how, though.

Again, thanks for another dig there about making my life interchangeable with anyone. That's frankly not what I have said but there is absolutely no shame in people moving on.

To say you wanted an adult discussion you're not doing very well at it. You're being incredibly rude and frankly childish.

@lismoa You sound like a wonderful stepmother. But you are essentially supplanting this woman who yes sounds like a nightmare. The children are obviously better off, my interest and curiosity was how to deal with this awful and jealous behaviour from a woman who is clearly struggling with the situation. With more context she is clearly an abusive person who cannot be reasoned with so you are doing the right things. I initially felt a pang of pain for her as someone who would struggle with another woman involved, but I can see that she is clearly irrational to the point of wrongdoing. If she cannot be helped that's all there is to it.

@lismoa You sound like a wonderful stepmother. But you are essentially supplanting this woman who yes sounds like a nightmare. The children are obviously better off, my interest and curiosity was how to deal with this awful and jealous behaviour from a woman who is clearly struggling with the situation. With more context she is clearly an abusive person who cannot be reasoned with so you are doing the right things. I initially felt a pang of pain for her as someone who would struggle with another woman involved, but I can see that she is clearly irrational to the point of wrongdoing. If she cannot be helped that's all there is to it.

Thank you and I get that. I know it must be difficult having another woman in your children's lives, but like I say, this all started well before me. In the past I have felt sorry for her because there must be some kind of emotional damage or, as someone said in a previous post, trauma, to behave the way she does, however seeing the impact of it on her children, you start to lose sympathy over time.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro tbh I fail to see how I could have been more patient with you given your kneejerk hostility and personal attacks...

I already acknowledged my own difficulties with control and letting go if it were my own child - those are psychological responses and they may not be entirely healthy but I challenge the notion that the normal mother just has to put up with the new partner scenario just because that's how it is. I didn't say I wouldn't essentially overcome it, I said I would struggle and didn't think it was entirely something stepmothers should just feel entitled to.

In your own situation however you sound like the best person for the job. Some people are great at that open-house stuff. Blended life and all that. Sounds good.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro tbh I fail to see how I could have been more patient with you given your kneejerk hostility and personal attacks...

I already acknowledged my own difficulties with control and letting go if it were my own child - those are psychological responses and they may not be entirely healthy but I challenge the notion that the normal mother just has to put up with the new partner scenario just because that's how it is. I didn't say I wouldn't essentially overcome it, I said I would struggle and didn't think it was entirely something stepmothers should just feel entitled to.

In your own situation however you sound like the best person for the job. Some people are great at that open-house stuff. Blended life and all that. Sounds good.[/quote]
I haven't made any personal attacks. You've made several not very well disguised digs so let's not pretend you're the innocent one here.

Again, what should people do if not put up with their ex moving on?

Again, more digs with "open house stuff"

There is absolutely no need to be so condescending.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I just sense a lot of projection tbh. You should feel secure in your position. You don't need to constantly defend yourself in a general discussion. You just need to present your argument without upset.

People will do what they do - they may in fact not put up with their partner moving on and you can't always expect that. People are not disposable nor interchangeable and it comes with the territory. I made a choice after my husband died to not have partners with children, one to prioritise my own and two because I don't do well with the blended family stuff. A bit like adopting I suppose. Some people can't do it.

We all get you wouldn't like it, that's fine. What's not fine is being so condescending and rude to those of us in the situation. I never set out to parent someone elses child. I did so because she couldn't be arsed to.

You've assumed I'm insecure. I'm not. You've assumed I am "great at all that open house stuff". No, I had to pick up the slack, I had no choice. I either parented the child or abandoned him. Presumably that's not particularly palatable to you either.

Your attitude is offensive, condescending and dismissive. I frankly don't think you've a bloody clue. You see step mothers as people who've pushed the mother out. It's not the case for most of us.

Perhaps that's the issue. You're assuming it's some kind of personal insult.

@Lismoa Well thanks for your thoughtful and patient reply. I hope that life improves. Maybe my input as a woman who would struggle immensely with this scenario might help extend your sympathy for the crazed one that little longer, though I can see that that would be very difficult.

[quote apricotlane]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I just sense a lot of projection tbh. You should feel secure in your position. You don't need to constantly defend yourself in a general discussion. You just need to present your argument without upset.

People will do what they do - they may in fact not put up with their partner moving on and you can't always expect that. People are not disposable nor interchangeable and it comes with the territory. I made a choice after my husband died to not have partners with children, one to prioritise my own and two because I don't do well with the blended family stuff. A bit like adopting I suppose. Some people can't do it.[/quote]
I really don't appreciate you telling me I'm insecure. I'm obviously going to defend my position against an ignorant and frankly offensive argument.

I'm not upset, I just think you're being rude, which you are.

But what does not putting up with it actually mean? Like practically?

Stopping contact? Being abusive to your own children? What?

Nobody has even insinuated that people are interchangeable. The only person who has, in fact, was you.

You're well within your right to not enter into a blended family. I sure as hell wouldn't do it again, because of attitudes like yours.

I think you should tell the DSS the truth, covering up her behaviour is like gaslighting him